Love's Ambition

Less than a month after returning from Beijing, Qiao Lin gave birth to a daughter. She was over a month early, but the baby was healthy. Qiao Lin sent a few photos—tiny and curled up, but with long limbs. Shen Haoming glanced at them and said, “She kind of looks like you.”

That month, Xu Yan was swamped. The TV station was preparing a new program set to air during the New Year. She recorded for over ten hours a day, repeating the same lines over and over. During that time, she visited Shen Haoming’s family once. Shen Jinsong wasn’t home, only Yu Lan and a few other ladies playing mahjong. Xu Yan took over for a few rounds and lost six thousand yuan. As she was leaving, Yu Lan said, “Let’s play again over the New Year.” Xu Yan thought this might be a good way to win Yu Lan’s favor, so she convinced Shen Haoming to skip their trip to Koh Samui and stay with his parents instead. Maybe she’d even run into Uncle Gao at the family banquet.

Xu Yan got the call in the evening. There were just three days left until the New Year. That afternoon, she and Shen Haoming had bought a pile of fireworks. On the way back, it started drizzling, and they said it would turn to snow by midnight, with temperatures dropping ten degrees. The days before had been unseasonably warm in Beijing, giving people the illusion that spring had arrived.

Her phone rang, flashing an unfamiliar number. She was standing in the greenhouse at Shen Haoming’s house, directing the housekeeper to move the orchids indoors. Shen Haochen had been roped into helping too. Xu Yan thought some manual labor would do him good—at least it would keep him from brooding too much. He curled his lip and said, “These flowers are so ugly.” She planted her hands on her hips and stared at him. “What kind of flowers do you think are pretty?” “Fake ones,” he answered. She told him to carry the pot in front of him to the living room, then picked up the call.

It was her mother, wailing loudly on the other end, telling her that Qiao Lin had killed herself—gone out alone at night and jumped into the river at the edge of town. “Is she still in critical care? Is she still in critical care?” Xu Yan asked several times. Her mother said it had happened the day before. She was already gone. Xu Yan hung up.

Everything around her was silent. She rubbed the dirt off her hands, picked up a pot of orchids, and walked out.

The air was damp, as if it had already started snowing. Something cold, almost claw-like, gripped her scalp tightly. She reached out, trying to touch the snowflakes in the air. With a thud, the flowerpot fell to the ground. The shards of porcelain spun on the floor. Humming, humming.

Shen Haochen walked over and looked at the shattered pot at her feet. “Hah,” he said, a little smugly, “fake flowers wouldn’t smash to pieces.” “Get lost,” she snapped at him, crouching to pick the orchids out of the broken shards. Shen Haochen froze, terrified. Xu Yan gathered the orchids, shook off the dirt, and carried them away.

She placed the flowers on the passenger seat and drove out of the gated villa area. Outside, the wind howled, and snowflakes hurled themselves at the windshield like desperate moths. Gripping the steering wheel, her whole body trembled. Tears welled in her eyes as she frowned, staring at the road ahead. Why had Qiao Lin done this? She felt furious. On their last night in Beijing, hadn’t Qiao Lin promised to wait for her news? Why couldn’t she have just waited a little longer?The car veered off the highway, narrowly missing a truck, swerved recklessly around several turns, and finally came to a stop in an empty parking lot. She pounded the steering wheel hard, the horn blaring sharply. Hadn’t she said she would find a way? Why didn’t they believe her? She slumped back in the seat and burst into loud sobs.

Her phone rang several times from the passenger seat—it was Shen Haoming. She sat in the darkness, waiting until the screen finally dimmed before murmuring to it, "My sister is dead."

She didn’t return for the funeral.

On New Year’s Eve, light snow fell. She stood at the gate of the courtyard, watching Shen Haoming light fireworks. She tilted her head back, gazing as the sparks bloomed and then fell. The sky darkened again. A few snowflakes landed on her face.

She called home. Her mother was crying uncontrollably, repeating, "Why was Qiao Lin so cruel to abandon us?" In the background, a baby wailed, and her father’s curses mingled with the clattering of dishes hitting the floor. Her mother asked, "When are you coming back?" It seemed like the first time she had ever expressed needing Xu Yan. "In a few days," she replied. "Don’t you ever come back!" her father roared before the call cut off.

Xu Yan never returned to Tai’an. A simmering anger refused to fade inside her. She felt Qiao Lin had never understood her, never trusted her, perhaps never even wanted her to be happy. This was her way of making sure Xu Yan would carry the guilt forever. For a long time, that anger effectively numbed her grief, allowing her to sleep normally.

One day in April, she went to Shen Haoming’s house for dinner. It was just their immediate family that evening, dining on oysters flown in from Paris and New Zealand lobster. Yu Lan complained the oysters weren’t as fresh as last time. "Aren’t you going to Paris next month?" Shen Jinsong said, flipping channels with the remote. A female host in a white suit appeared on screen. She glanced at her script, then looked up:

"In 1988, at a hospital in Tai’an, Wang Yazhen, suffering from rheumatic heart disease, gave birth to her second daughter. She felt no joy as a mother, only panic. Beside her, the baby girl, weighing just three pounds and eight ounces, opened her eyes and curiously observed the world. Did she know, in that moment, that what awaited her was not warm blessings but relentless punishment? Outside the operating room, Qiao Jianbin sat on a bench, not sleeping a wink all night. After months of shuttling between the family planning committee and the hospital, he was exhausted. Yet their family’s misfortune had only just begun..."

Xu Yan stared at the screen, one hand clutching her sweater collar, feeling as though she were suffocating.

"This 'Focus Moment' segment is occasionally worth watching," Shen Jinsong remarked. Yu Lan said, "What’s there to see? It’s always either about stubborn holdouts or over-quota births." "Mom, Mom," Shen Haochen asked, "did you have an over-quota birth?"

Yu Lan replied, "Sweetheart, the Canadian government gave me a reward for having you.""...The reporter arrived at Qiao Jianbin's home. After Qiao Jianbin was dismissed, the entire family had relied on this clinic for their livelihood. The signboard 'Ping'an Clinic' still hung at the entrance, but not a single patient had come for years. The examination bed on the first floor was piled high with various health supplements, some long past their expiration dates. Wang Yazhen kept them for family use. She picked up a bottle to show the reporter: 'This helps with sleep. My eldest daughter often can't sleep, so I give it to her...' Over the past twenty years, Qiao Jianbin and Wang Yazhen had sought help through every possible channel, hoping his former workplace would reinstate him..."

The camera panned across their home—the cobwebs in the corners, the greasy tablecloth, the yellow-stained toilet—before settling on a photograph on the wall. It was a family portrait, likely their only one. Xu Yan, around four or five years old at the time, stood at the far right, with Qiao Lin's hand resting on her shoulder.

Xu Yan felt as if everyone's gaze was surging toward her. She nearly bolted from her seat to flee the room.

The host then recounted the Qiao family's struggles over the years, mentioning the youngest daughter born in violation of the one-child policy, who became infertile due to premature birth and medication. Her current whereabouts weren't mentioned. Nor was Qiao Lin's daughter referenced—only that Qiao Lin had spent years fighting for justice, which cost her both a relationship and her job. Two months ago, one evening after putting her child to bed as usual, she left home, walked to the river, and jumped in.

The screen cut back to the studio. The hostess said that the day before her suicide, Qiao Lin had texted the show's producer: "Teacher Chen, I beg you to do an episode about us. This isn't just our family's problem—many face similar hardships. I believe broadcasting this would make a real impact. If you need any more materials, I'm available anytime. Wishing you an early Happy New Year!" The host lowered her eyes and paused for a few seconds. "We dedicate this belated episode to Qiao Lin. May she rest in peace. We also hope any compassionate lawyers will reach out to help the Qiao family. Thank you for watching. Until next time..."

Shen Haoming fumed, "This is so fucked up." Yu Lan shot him a look: "What do you think you can do? This isn't your kind of case." Shen Haoming said, "I can ask my classmates—maybe someone will take it." Shen Jinsong interjected, "No need for lawsuits. With the right connections, this could be resolved with one word." Yu Lan said, "Is there a donation hotline? Let's just send them some money."

The housekeeper brought out fruit. A drama was now playing on TV, but Xu Yan couldn't bring herself to look at the screen, afraid the earlier images might reappear at any moment. Hunched over, she stared at her plate until Shen Haoming said, "Let's go." She stood and followed him out the door.She clutched her bag and got into the car, her body trembling uncontrollably. "Where's your coat?" Shen Haoming asked. Only then did she realize she'd forgotten to wear it. "Don't go back for it," she pleaded, her voice almost desperate. The car stopped, and as she stepped out, she found herself in a vast courtyard surrounded by deep red brick walls. Shivering, she asked, "Where is this?" Shen Haoming replied, "Su Han's birthday party—didn't I tell you?"

The house was noisy, with a long table filled with people on either side. Apart from Su Han, she didn’t recognize anyone. Shen Haoming introduced them one by one, and she nodded along, unable to remember a single name. "This is Fang Lei," Shen Haoming said, pointing to a girl on the right. "She went to the same school as me in the UK, also studied law—kind of my junior." The girl laughed. "You transferred out after barely any time—how can you call yourself a senior?" Shen Haoming grinned. "Hey, I’m still in the alumni directory." The girl raised her eyebrows. "That’s just so they can ask you for donations." Shen Haoming chuckled. Xu Yan laughed along, but the smile faded from her face, and suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes.

Qiao Lin took her hand and led her up the mountain. "It’s about to rain," Xu Yan said. "Let’s go back." Qiao Lin replied, "You’re leaving for Beijing—I need to get you a protective charm." Xu Yan said, "But the stalls are all closed." Qiao Lin insisted, "Let’s go a little further."

The rain poured down, and they ran into a temple. Shaking off the water, Qiao Lin’s long hair sprayed droplets onto Xu Yan’s face, making her giggle. "Be serious," Xu Yan chided. "The Bodhisattva will get angry." Qiao Lin stifled her laughter and glanced around the hall, whispering, "What’s this temple for, anyway?"

Xu Yan propped her elbow on the table, resting her cheek in her palm as she discreetly wiped away tears. Shen Haoming was asking Fang Lei, "When did you move back?" Fang Lei arched her brows. "How do you know I moved back? Do I look like I’m just here on vacation?" Shen Haoming shook his head. "I don’t believe you could’ve lasted in the UK."

They stood side by side in the center of the hall. The Bodhisattva’s neck stretched into the darkness, her face unseen, but Xu Yan could sense a beam of white light shining down from above.

Qiao Lin whispered, "Do you think she can help everyone who comes to pray to her?" Xu Yan replied, "Only the ones she likes, probably." Qiao Lin smiled. "Then she must like me. Back then, I kept hoping Mom would give birth to you. And I even said I wanted a little sister. See? The Bodhisattva gave me you." Xu Yan said, "You were only two—how did you know to pray to her?" Qiao Lin answered, "I couldn’t say it, but the Bodhisattva must’ve known what was in my heart." Xu Yan murmured, "If you’d known what would happen later, you wouldn’t have wished for it." Qiao Lin squeezed her hand. "I still would’ve wished for you. I’ve never once regretted you—not for a single moment. I just often think… if only we could’ve been one person." Her palm was feverishly warm, as if heat were flowing from it."Can you take a photo for us?" Xu Yan heard someone calling her. It was Su Han, standing behind Fang Lei and Shen Haoming. Xu Yan took the phone. Su Han smiled and asked Shen Haoming, "Remember how the three of us used to drive out to the suburbs for BBQ every weekend? Then after one summer break, everyone got too busy, and we never gathered again. Or maybe you two met up without inviting me." Fang Lei shot her a sidelong glance, "You guessed right, we were secretly dating." Shen Haoming nodded, "Later, she dumped me. Heartbroken, I went back to China." Su Han laughed, "Careful, your girlfriend might take it seriously and start a fight with you." Shen Haoming said, "She wouldn’t."

A few cool wisps of wind drifted through the temple hall. The rain seemed to have stopped. Someone leaned against the doorway, watching them. The person wore a tattered padded jacket, and in the backlight, their feet were invisible—at first, it seemed they were sitting, but later it became clear the jacket covered their feet; they were a dwarf. Very old, their wrinkled face like a crumpled piece of scrap paper. As they walked out, the dwarf spoke up, "Do you want to know your fate?" They exchanged glances but didn’t stop. The dwarf said, "No charge. I’m just amusing myself."

He stepped in front of them, tilting his head up to stare at Qiao Lin. "Your early years were rough, with some obstacles, but after thirty, things get better and better." Qiao Lin asked, "How much better?" He replied, "A house full of children and grandchildren, someone to send you off." Qiao Lin laughed, "Is having someone send me off considered good?" The dwarf didn’t answer, turning to Xu Yan instead. "You—whatever you want, you’ll have to fight others for it." Xu Yan asked, "Will I win in the end?" He shook his head. "I don’t know." Xu Yan asked, "There are things you don’t know?" He nodded. "Some things."

Su Han poked Shen Haoming with a finger. "You should talk some sense into Fang Lei. She’s an angry young woman now, dissatisfied with everything, constantly criticizing society." Shen Haoming said, "It’s called reverse culture shock. She’ll get over it." Fang Lei asked, "Like you? Living your life openly as the young master of the Shen family?" Shen Haoming grew agitated. "Don’t make me out to be so heartless, okay? I’ve always wanted to do something meaningful..."

Then he started talking about a TV show he’d seen before leaving home: A couple accidentally got pregnant with a second child. By policy, they should’ve aborted it, but for some reason—not their fault—they delayed for months. At seven months, they went for an induced labor, but the baby was born alive... Su Han sighed. "What a tough little life." Shen Haoming said, "But it counts as an over-quota birth, and the husband lost his job..." When the topic turned to Qiao Lin’s suicide, Fang Lei shook her head. "That’s what I find most tragic—because of the parents’ problems, the child’s whole life is ruined." Su Han said, "The interesting part of this story is that the legally born older sister died, while the illegally born younger sister survived. Now they only have one child left—does that still count as over-quota?"

Xu Yan left her seat and walked into the restroom, locking the door behind her.Qiao Lin didn't distrust her—she had simply lost hope in the world. Xu Yan remembered the last time Qiao Lin had called, early one morning. She said, "My confinement period ends today." Xu Yan asked, "Is your milk supply enough? Are you able to sleep now?" Qiao Lin didn't answer, only saying, "Everything's fine. I just wanted to let you know. You can go back to what you were doing." Her voice was flat, neither happy nor sad, just carrying a sense of relief. It was as if she had been waiting for this day all along—for the baby to be born, for her to complete the month of postpartum recovery... Her urgency in resolving her parents' situation wasn't out of hope for a new life, but simply a desire for some peace of mind. If that couldn't be achieved, she couldn't wait any longer. She had already let go.

Someone outside knocked impatiently on the door. Xu Yan turned on the faucet and bent her face under the stream of water.

The noise outside faded away, as if sinking into a river. Only the gurgling of water filled her ears. "I just wanted to see you," Qiao Lin said, turning her head with a smile. Her slightly reddened eyes gazed at her from the dark depths of the water. Then they dimmed.

Xu Yan returned to her seat and told Shen Haoming she might have caught a chill and wanted to leave early. Shen Haoming said, "Let's go together." In the car, he said, "Fang Lei was also upset when I told her about that news story. She mentioned she has some lawyer friends who've returned from abroad—maybe one of them would take the case. I'll call Uncle Gao again later and have him talk to the people in Tai'an. This has caused a big stir—if they don't resolve it, they'll have trouble explaining themselves." Xu Yan stared blankly at him. This is what Qiao Lin gave her life for , she thought, tears falling.

Shen Haoming looked surprised. "What's wrong?" He took Xu Yan's hand. "You didn't actually believe that thing about Fang Lei and me, did you? We were just joking." Xu Yan shook her head. "No, no. I'm just... moved. You really have a good heart." She looked at Shen Haoming and reached out to touch his cheek. He rubbed his unshaven chin against her palm and smiled. "Forgot to shave."