Love's Ambition

In early May, Xu Yan returned to Tai'an once more. The school had reinstated Qiao Jianbin's position, paying him according to the retirement benefits for teachers. It was said that the episode of Focus Time had alarmed a high-ranking official in Beijing, who personally called the Family Planning Commission. However, Qiao Jianbin and Wang Yazhen were not satisfied with the outcome because the compensation issue remained unresolved. They were still petitioning.

Since the program aired, they had given numerous interviews. Qiao Jianbin had honed his eloquence, his eyes lighting up at the sight of a camera. He told Xu Yan with some pride, Those reporters really admire me. They think society needs stubborn people like me. Wang Yazhen had started a Weibo account, where she wrote about their family’s suffering over the years. Several well-known journalists and scholars had reposted her posts, and many people left comments. Wang Yazhen replied to every comment, even adding some like-minded people on QQ.

The outside attention kept them busy all day, temporarily easing the pain of losing their daughter. But once they returned to their immediate reality—realizing Qiao Lin was truly gone—their emotions would collapse again. The lights in the house were broken, and no one fixed them. The fridge reeked, still holding the cake and yogurt Qiao Lin had bought. The open can of infant formula on the table had hardened into clumps. At nightfall, cockroaches grew bold, crawling all over the table. Then Wang Yazhen would start crying again.

Qiao Jianbin’s emotions swung between extremes. Sometimes he sat quietly, staring blankly at the liquor bottle on the table. Other times, he would fly into a rage, cursing Qiao Lin for being ungrateful, for wasting all the years they had raised her.

Once Wang Yazhen finished crying, she would sit down at the old computer and start typing on Weibo:

You don’t know how wonderful my eldest daughter was—so beautiful, so sensible, so lively. Everyone loved her. When I was sad, she always comforted me, saying, “Mom, it’ll pass. Nothing in this world lasts forever…”

As she wrote, she began crying again. Xu Yan walked over and sat beside her. Wang Yazhen turned and hugged her. Xu Yan patted her back gently, soothing her. Then the computer chimed. Wang Yazhen pulled away from Xu Yan’s embrace, wiped her tears, and said, Someone replied to me. She quickly grabbed the mouse and clicked twice.For the first two days after returning, Xu Yan stayed at a nearby hotel. On the third night, Qiao Lin's child had a slight fever, so she stayed to look after her and slept in Qiao Lin's bed. The pillowcase hadn't been changed, still carrying the lingering scent of the shampoo Qiao Lin had left behind. Resting her head on it, Xu Yan recalled a childhood wish—one she had never admitted to—that she could sleep in this bed. No, not with Qiao Lin, but alone. This dilapidated home held a strange allure for her; she longed to live in this house as the rightful daughter. Throughout her long childhood and adolescence, she had met many outstanding girls—wealthy, beautiful, intelligent—but she had no desire to become any of them. She only wanted to be Qiao Lin. She wanted to replace her, to possess everything she had. Even if those things included pain and misfortune, it didn't matter. Because she believed they should have been hers all along. If only Qiao Lin weren't here... she had thought this countless times. As children, she and Qiao Lin had stood by the river together, bathed in the same sunlight, yet she always felt Qiao Lin stood in the light while she remained in the shadows. If only Qiao Lin weren't here... she could take two steps to the right and step into the sunlight.

That childhood wish had been so sincere and terrifying, carried secretly in her heart, slowly releasing its poison into the world. Many years later, it had come true. Qiao Lin was gone. Now she slept in Qiao Lin's bed, as her parents' only daughter. Xu Yan buried her face in the pillowcase and wept uncontrollably. Could she take back that wish? Would things have been different? Would Qiao Lin have been happier? Would she herself have grown into someone else? Qiao Lin was gone, but she could not step into the sunlight. She would remain in the shadows forever.

The baby let out a loud cry. Xu Yan picked her up. In the darkness, the child's pure face bore no trace of tears or sadness, as if her earlier cries had only been meant to pull Xu Yan out of her suffering. She gazed quietly at Xu Yan. Her tiny pupils seemed to hold an ocean of boundless depth. Xu Yan wanted to confess her sins to them, but even more, she wanted to pour all her blessings upon their owner. If only her blessings held the same power as her childhood wish. She hoped this child would find the happiness that she and Qiao Lin could never attain.

Xu Yan woke beside Yu Yiming at three in the morning. The hotel window didn't close properly, letting in the cold wind. Winter had begun, and Beijing was freezing. Xu Yan had invited Yu Yiming out for dinner, then drinks. Near the end, Qiao Lin had suddenly vanished from their conversation. Xu Yan remembered Yu Yiming staring at her blankly. After that, her memory blurred. She couldn't recall what she had said, or what Yu Yiming had said. Whether they had kissed. She thought she might have felt some pain, or maybe not—just that she felt she should have.

She woke Yu Yiming. He rolled out of bed and grabbed his clothes from the floor. His girlfriend was waiting for him at home—he had emphasized this before getting drunk. As he dressed, he said to Xu Yan, "I know it's because you just arrived in Beijing and are feeling homesick. It'll get better in a few days."At the doorway, Xu Yan called out to him, reaching into her backpack to search for something. He asked what was wrong. Xu Yan said, Qiao Lin asked me to bring you something. He stood there waiting for a while, but she still couldn't find it. He said, I really have to go now, we'll talk about it later, then opened the door and left.

The fountain pen had been sitting in the inner pocket of her bag. Xu Yan had forgotten to give it to Yu Yiming the last two times they met. Perhaps she wanted an excuse to see him again. But now, she desperately wanted to hand him that pen. She turned on the light and emptied the contents of her bag onto the floor.

Qiao Lin's baby was exceptionally quiet. After getting through the initial period of separation from her mother, she quickly adapted to her new life. She would fall asleep right after feeding and wake up only to cry softly a few times before waiting quietly. When Xu Yan picked her up, the baby would press her head against Xu Yan's chest as if listening to her heartbeat, a faint smile appearing on her face. Every time Xu Yan put her down, she would whimper softly, making Xu Yan's heart clench before picking her up again.

It was already quite warm outside. She carried the baby into the sunlight. The locust trees were in bloom, their petals covering the ground in thick layers, scattered by the wind before gathering together again. She walked to the river and sat down on the stone steps, hoping the baby would nap. But the baby stayed awake, gazing at the river with her. "Can you smell your mother's scent?" she asked the baby. The baby smiled.

The baby's name was Qiao Luoqi, chosen by Qiao Lin, but it seemed no one remembered her name. Her parents simply called her "the baby." Qiao Lin's baby. It was as if they still saw her as an extension of Qiao Lin. Her round eyes resembled Qiao Lin's. Sometimes, looking into them, Xu Yan would feel an overwhelming urge to speak to Qiao Lin. But she didn't know what to say—she believed Qiao Lin already knew everything she wanted to say. Now, Qiao Lin knew everything in the world. She knew Xu Yan had returned, knew she was with the baby, knew how much she missed her.

On the morning of her departure, Xu Yan took the baby out for another walk. Passing by the train station, she said to the baby, "There are trains inside. Choo-choo! The whistle blows, and then they rumble away."

"When you grow up, you can ride one to come find me, okay?" The baby didn't smile, just looked at her quietly. Xu Yan's heart tightened, and she squeezed the baby's hand. She couldn't imagine how the child would grow up in such a broken home.

Back at the house, Xu Yan folded the baby clothes drying by the door and put them in the cupboard. She spotted the cardboard box tucked at the very bottom, one corner peeking out. Opening it, she found the white dress inside wasn't as she remembered—the taffeta wasn't as stiff, the ruffles not as elaborate. She dressed the baby in it and carried her to the window. Sunlight glinted off the tiny pearls on the bodice, like lively musical notes. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" she whispered to the baby. The baby nestled softly against her shoulder, nuzzling her neck with her cheek.Xu Yan sat on the train, her heart skipping a beat at the sound of the whistle. She closed her eyes, trying to sleep, but the buzzing noise in her ears wouldn’t let her. Irritated, she twisted open a bottle of water, gulped it down, and stared out the window at the trees and houses flashing by. Gradually, she calmed down and made a decision. Once she got back, she would tell Shen Haoming everything. He would find out sooner or later anyway. She wanted to discuss with him the possibility of bringing the child to live with them in Beijing when she was older. If possible, she even wanted to adopt her.

The driver was waiting at the station to take her to dinner. Shen Haoming had reserved a Japanese restaurant. They had been there once when they first started dating. From the glass window of the tatami room, they could see a small Japanese-style garden, but now it was too dark, and the moss-covered stones had turned black. "Let’s have some wine," she said to Shen Haoming. "I was just about to suggest that," he replied, picking up the wine list.

The sake arrived in a round-bellied blue glass bottle. She clinked glasses with Shen Haoming. "When will your documentary air?" he asked. She hesitated. "The one you filmed on this trip," he added. "Oh, next month, I think," she said. "Not sure how the editing will turn out." Then she asked him, "Has your mom left for Paris yet?" "Not yet," he said. "She’s going next week. They insisted on taking Uncle Xu’s private jet." Xu Yan smiled. "That’s nice. The four of them can play mahjong on the plane." Shen Haoming curled his lip. "Sounds utterly boring."

Outside the window, the garden’s outline was swallowed by the night, leaving only a corner illuminated by lights, where the stones glowed faintly green. Xu Yan finished a glass of wine and looked up at Shen Haoming. "You know," she said, "I’ve always thought you have so many admirable qualities..." She smiled. "You know I’m not good with words, but I really think you’re incredibly kind and have a strong sense of justice..." Shen Haoming frowned. "Why are you saying this now?" "And you’ve been so patient with me," she continued. "Our family backgrounds are different, our habits too. There must be so many things about me that bother you..." Shen Haoming cut her off. "Can we not talk like this?" Xu Yan poured herself another glass and pressed her flushed cheek against the cool surface. "I came to Beijing when I was eighteen, knowing no one. Between classes, I tutored, worked as a salesgirl, even hosted weddings—anything to earn money for clothes and meals at Western restaurants. I just wanted a decent life, you understand? When I was little, we had nothing at home, not even a desk. I did my homework on the windowsill... I treasure the life I have now, and I treasure you. That’s why I’ve always..." Xu Yan began to cry. Shen Haoming watched her with a furrowed brow, and she faltered, unsure how to continue.The waiter brought in the dessert. The two ate in silence. Shen Haoming poured her some wine and refilled his own glass. Xu Yan took a sip, then mustered the courage to say, "My cousin, the one who came to Beijing in the winter..." Shen Haoming slammed his glass down on the table. Xu Yan froze. He exhaled deeply and said, "I spent the last couple of nights at Fang Lei's place. Hmm." He poured himself another glass of wine. "I was planning to tell you in a few days, but you spoke so highly of me just now, and it made me feel ashamed. I wasn't trying to hide it—you know how much I hate lying." Xu Yan nodded blankly. She gripped the wine bottle, wanting to pour herself another glass, but couldn't bring herself to lift it. Tiny droplets clung to the bottle's surface, like painful secretions. Staring at them, she asked softly, "Is this something new between you two, or has it already ended?" Shen Haoming didn't answer. He lit a cigarette, white smoke curling up between his fingers. Xu Yan braced her arms against the tatami and stood up. "I'll go first. When you've figured things out, let me know what you plan to do."

She pulled open the door and walked out. Shen Haoming chased after her, draping her coat over her shoulders. "You forgot your coat again," he said. Then he opened his arms and hugged her. Was this their final goodbye? Her heart ached. She pushed him away and ran to the roadside, hailing a taxi.

When she got home, she realized her whole body was burning up, as if she had a fever. She set an alarm, swallowed two pills, and lay down. "Help me," she whispered into the darkness. As the sky outside began to lighten, she felt Qiao Lin arrive, sitting with her back to the bed, turning her head to look at her. Her gaze didn't promise anything, yet it calmed Xu Yan.

The alarm rang repeatedly. She struggled to sit up and glanced at the other side of the bed—it was smooth, untouched. She took a shower and toasted two slices of bread. A text message popped up on her phone. She didn't look at it, instead walking over to draw the curtains. It was raining outside. She spread apricot jam on the bread and ate slowly. Only after finishing did she pick up her phone and open the message.

Shen Haoming: "Let's break up. I'm sorry."

She drained the glass of milk, grabbed an umbrella, and left the house.

After taking ten days off, she had a backlog of work. She recorded three episodes in one go. During a break, the director came in to discuss revamping the show. "Be more lively, okay? No more dead air. If the ratings stay this low, the show will be canceled." Xu Yan said, "Then I'll go host a news program." The director laughed heartily. "Something like 'Focus Time'? I never pegged you for someone with a sense of social responsibility."

Xu Yan changed outfits and sat in front of the mirror to touch up her makeup. She asked the makeup artist, "What do you think about me cutting my hair short?" The makeup artist replied, "Hmm, that'd be nice. And lose the straight bangs—they block your forehead and mess with your luck." Xu Yan smiled. "I'll take your advice."

On her way home, Xu Yan stopped by a hair salon. By the time she stepped out, it was already dark.

The summer breeze brushed against her neck, cool and refreshing. She bought two loaves of bread at a convenience store and headed home. A bar stood by the roadside—perhaps newly opened. She peered inside; warm light spilled out. She pushed the door open and walked in.The bar was small, with only one man slumped over a table in the corner. She took a seat at the counter and ordered a mojito. The man from the corner approached to refill his whiskey. It was her neighbor, Mr. Tang from across the way. He nodded at her before returning to his seat.

Dull electronic music played in the background, carrying a musty undertone. After her third drink, she felt it was time to get drunk—something she'd never done before. Her past boyfriends had all been heavy drinkers, and she'd always stayed sober to make sure they got home safely. Someone tapped on the table. She looked up. The bartender said expressionlessly, "I'm closing up. My girlfriend's waiting for me at home." Then he walked over to the corner, woke her neighbor, and stood there watching as the man pulled money from his pockets and spread it across the table, counting each bill one by one.

Xu Yan sat at her grandmother's doorstep. She was leaving for Beijing tomorrow, her suitcase already packed, but there were still childhood belongings to sort through. She dragged the cardboard boxes outside and sat on the threshold, slowly sifting through them. Qiao Lin approached, her white dress billowing in the strong wind. She carried two ice cream cones, melted cream dripping down her hands. She sat beside Xu Yan and handed her the vanilla one.

"I bought a fountain pen," Qiao Lin said. "Help me give it to Yu Yiming." They ate their ice cream in silence. A boy from the neighboring courtyard, about ten years old, came over and stood watching them. Qiao Lin pointed at the ice cream and said, "Next time I'll buy you one, okay?" The boy didn't respond, just kept standing there. The ground was littered with odds and ends pulled from the boxes—a bottle of essential balm, a tin of vanishing cream, a piece of frayed floral fabric... These makeshift toys had once been Xu Yan's most treasured possessions. "That vanishing cream tin looks like the one I gave you," Qiao Lin remarked. "I traded you buttons for it," Xu Yan replied. "What buttons?" Qiao Lin asked. "My favorite ones—you don't even remember?" Xu Yan huffed, shoving the cone into her mouth before getting up to wash her hands. Just then, she heard a clatter behind her.

The boy from next door had snatched a kite from the pile and was running away. Qiao Lin turned to her and said, "Come on, let's get it back!"

The boy reached the end of the alley, turned a corner, and dashed toward the main road. A passing car forced them to pause, leaving them far behind. But they kept running. The chain around Qiao Lin's ankle jingled as her long hair came loose in the wind. Xu Yan caught the scent of shampoo and reached out, trying to grab a strand of the flying hair. Qiao Lin laughed and tossed her head. The boy disappeared down the road, but they didn't stop. Dark clouds churned overhead. Xu Yan glimpsed a lush lilac tree and suddenly realized they had retraced all the streets they used to roam as children in what felt like mere moments. It was like fast-forwarding through movie frames, one after another, unstoppable. Qiao Lin suddenly tugged her sleeve and pointed at the sky. At the farthest edge of the horizon, a green kite was slowly rising.

Xu Yan stopped and looked up with Qiao Lin. The kite had two long tails, swaying like a real swallow. It dipped beneath the low-hanging clouds before soaring upward again.Xu Yan and her neighbor stood under the eaves of the bar. The neighbor said, "It seems like it's raining again." She smiled and replied, "What does it matter?" The neighbor said, "I hope it rains—it'll make the soil easier to dig." Xu Yan shook her short hair. "What did you say?" The neighbor answered, "My dog died. I'm going to bury it later." "Where is it now?" Xu Yan laughed. "You didn't freeze it in the fridge, did you?" The neighbor's face twitched. "I really don’t want to go home. Can we have another drink?" Xu Yan said, "Sure, I have alcohol at my place." The neighbor asked, "Where’s your boyfriend?" Xu Yan replied, "We broke up." "That’s a shame," the neighbor said. "By the way, when can I try your cooking? I always smell something delicious in the hallway." Xu Yan said, "It might just be takeout." The neighbor shook his head. "No, I’ve tried every takeout place around here." Xu Yan asked, "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" The neighbor sighed. "The ones I like never like me back." Xu Yan teased, "You must have a lot of quirks." The neighbor thought for a moment. "Does eating oranges in the bathtub count?"

The rain grew heavier, and they started running. Xu Yan stepped into a large puddle, splashing water all over herself. She laughed. Under the shelter of the eaves, the neighbor shook the rain off his clothes and turned to her. "Oh, how’s your cousin doing? And her baby?" Xu Yan stopped laughing and stared at him.

He continued, "One night, I was walking my dog with a flashlight, and suddenly I saw a woman lying by the bushes, looking like she was dead. I was about to call security when she opened her eyes and said, 'It’s fine, I just fainted.' I tried to help her up, but she said she wanted to lie there a little longer. I didn’t want to leave her alone, so I sat beside her and we talked for a while." Xu Yan asked, "What did she say?" The neighbor frowned. "I don’t remember… Oh, right. She said, 'The little one in my belly seems to love Beijing and doesn’t want to leave. So I told it, you’ll be back soon, you’ll grow up here…' And your cousin also said, 'Don’t forget to bring your dog to play with them later…'"

Xu Yan began to cry. Qiao Lin had never mentioned entrusting the child to her. Yet she had known the baby would come to Beijing—perhaps because she was certain of the bond between them, and because she understood Xu Yan better than Xu Yan understood herself. That heart, wrapped in so many layers of disguise and pretense, had become opaque even to its owner.

Xu Yan looked up at the sky, trying to slow her tears. She nodded and said, "The baby will come soon… to play with your dog…"

The neighbor replied, "But the dog’s dead. I’m burying it tonight…"

Xu Yan murmured, "You don't know how well-behaved that child is. She never makes a fuss. The moment you play with her, she giggles nonstop. She's a girl, very pretty, with round eyes, wearing a white dress, like a little princess..."

The neighbor said, "Oh, then I'll get another dog..."

The sound of rain drowned out his words. Xu Yan stood under the eaves, quietly listening to the rain outside. She didn't know if she could take good care of the child, whether she might want to abandon her for the sake of her future. She had no confidence in herself at all. But at this moment, she could feel the warmth in her palm. Some changes were happening within her—she had become much more patient than before. Perhaps, she thought, now she had the chance to become a different person.