Love's Ambition

The next day, they left the house before ten. On usual weekends, Xu Yan would laze in bed with Shen Haoming until eleven before heading out for brunch. But this day, she woke up at dawn. Sleeplessness must be contagious—she hadn’t seen Qiao Lin close her eyes all night. Yet Qiao Lin insisted she had slept a little and even dreamed, dreaming she gave birth to a jar person. A jar person? Xu Yan frowned. Yes, Qiao Lin said, like those circus children raised in jars, their limbs atrophied, only their heads grotesquely large. She shuddered, jumped out of bed, and announced she was going to make breakfast.

The aroma of scallion oil wafted from the kitchen. Qiao Lin used a skillet to make two scallion pancakes—the most familiar food from their childhood, something Xu Yan hadn’t eaten since coming to Beijing. Had she not smelled it again, she might have forgotten such a thing even existed.

Xu Yan wanted to take Qiao Lin to Jingshan first—there was a stretch of red wall nearby she particularly liked. The streets were quiet, and they listened to the songs on the radio in silence. Qiao Lin pressed her lips together, looking sorrowful. Xu Yan said, Don’t dwell on it, it was just a dream. Qiao Lin nodded. I know, I know. It’s fine. I’m waiting for Lawyer Wang’s call—he said he’d call me today. Xu Yan felt Qiao Lin was transferring some kind of pressure onto her, which irritated her.

The car jolted violently, snapping Xu Yan back to attention. She slammed on the brakes, but it was too late—they had already collided with the car in front. Qiao Lin curled her body protectively over her stomach. The woman from the other car berated Xu Yan before calling the traffic police. When the officer arrived, Xu Yan searched the car frantically but couldn’t find the vehicle registration. She had no choice but to call Shen Haoming. A few minutes later, he called back, saying he’d found it at home—the driver had taken it out during repairs and forgotten to put it back. Shen Haoming said, I’ll bring it to you. Where are you? Xu Yan hesitated for a few seconds before giving her location.

She returned to the car. Qiao Lin leaned her head against the seat, hands still resting on her stomach. Xu Yan said, My boyfriend is on his way. I told him you’re my cousin—don’t mention anything about our parents. Qiao Lin nodded. I know, I know. Xu Yan wanted to say more but saw her close her eyes, so she stayed silent.

Shen Haoming arrived, dealt with the accident, and took the driver’s seat. He turned to Qiao Lin with a smile. Cousin, I drive very smoothly—you can rest easy.

It was already past eleven, so Shen Haoming suggested they get lunch first. He drove to a nearby shopping center. On the third floor was a Cantonese restaurant where Yu Lan often met people for dim sum. Shen Haoming handed the menu to Qiao Lin, asking what she’d like to eat. Qiao Lin glanced at it before passing it to Xu Yan. Xu Yan flipped through the menu, sensing Qiao Lin’s gaze on her. A basket of shrimp dumplings cost over a hundred yuan—clearly beyond the means of an ordinary office worker. Qiao Lin must have already seen through her: the borrowed car, the rented apartment, everything full of holes. When Xu Yan looked up, Qiao Lin smiled faintly and said, I’ll eat anything, as long as it’s a little spicy.I knew Xu Yan would bump into something, Shen Haoming said. You can't really say you can drive until you've had a couple of scrapes. But with you in the car, there's no room for error. I told her long ago I'd be your driver today... Qiao Lin smiled faintly. You've already gone to so much trouble. Shen Haoming said, Didn't she trouble you often before? She said you took good care of her in high school—buying her a raincoat, accompanying her for IV drips... Qiao Lin replied quietly, That was nothing. Shen Haoming said, Sometimes cousins can be even closer. I'm actually closer to my cousin than to my own brother... Qiao Lin asked, You have a younger brother? Shen Haoming said, Yeah, a crybaby, so annoying. Qiao Lin said, How could they have a second child? Shen Haoming laughed. You sound just like Xu Yan. My parents have Canadian passports. Qiao Lin murmured, Oh, foreigners... Shen Haoming said, Xu Yan and I will have at least three kids—your child won’t lack playmates. Qiao Lin nodded. Sounds good. Xu Yan kept her head down, eating the freshly served grouper. Three kids? She could almost hear Qiao Lin laughing inwardly.

Qiao Lin's phone rang. Xu Yan was afraid she’d answer it right in front of Shen Haoming, but she stood up and walked away from the table. Xu Yan said to Shen Haoming, You don’t need to accompany us this afternoon. I’ll just take her around Houhai. Shen Haoming said, I’m having dinner with Ren Guodong—I missed his daughter’s hundred-day celebration last time. No worries, I can leave by five.

Qiao Lin returned, her expression grave, staring blankly at her plate. She didn’t eat, and Xu Yan didn’t urge her. Only when Shen Haoming said, Let’s go, did she stand up and walk out stiffly. Shen Haoming called after her, handing her the down jacket she’d left on the chair.

Qiao Lin trailed behind them, clutching her jacket. The lining was turned inside out, revealing a hole where a tuft of stuffing poked through. Xu Yan almost suspected she’d done it on purpose, hoping they’d buy her a new coat. Shen Haoming said, Should I get something for Ren Guodong’s daughter? What though? They circled halfway around the mall before Shen Haoming suddenly stopped, pointing at a shop window. Let’s get this. A tiny white gauze dress, nestled among clouds, identical to the one Xu Yan and Qiao Lin had seen before. It must have been a chain store—even the window display was the same. Shen Haoming asked Qiao Lin, Do you know if your baby’s a boy or a girl? Qiao Lin shook her head. Shen Haoming said, Doesn’t matter, and walked into the store.

Qiao Lin immediately told Xu Yan, Lawyer Wang said he can’t take the case. She bit her lip, then added, He’s in a meeting. I’ll call him again later and beg. Xu Yan said, Don’t do this, Qiao Lin. You weren’t like this before. Qiao Lin’s eyes welled up. I’m useless. I can’t do anything right. Shen Haoming emerged with paper bags, handing one to Qiao Lin. I got a gift set—it has everything, white, unisex. Qiao Lin turned her face away, wiping tears. Shen Haoming stood awkwardly holding the bag. After a moment, Qiao Lin turned back, forcing a smile. Thank you. Really, thank you.When they arrived at Houhai, the sky was already overcast. A few chilly snowflakes drifted sporadically through the air. The river was frozen solid, its surface a dull bluish-gray. Shen Haoming asked, "Feeling better after getting some fresh air?" Qiao Lin nodded and said, "Thank you both." Xu Yan turned her face toward the river. In the middle of the frozen water sat a duck-shaped boat, trapped in the ice, its body tilted with the duck's head gazing skyward.

Qiao Lin said, "We have a river back home too, called the Nai River, even wider than this one." Shen Haoming replied, "I thought your hometown was all mountains. I was just telling Xu Yan we should climb Mount Tai sometime." Qiao Lin continued, "When we were kids, Xu Yan and I once saw a child flying a kite fall into the water and drown. His mother wailed on the shore, surrounded by a crowd." Xu Yan said, "I don't remember that." Qiao Lin persisted, "You stood there, and no matter how hard I pulled, you wouldn't leave. After everyone had dispersed, you used a bamboo pole to retrieve the child's kite and took it home." Shen Haoming asked, "Was the child her friend? Did she want the kite as a keepsake?" Qiao Lin smiled, "She just wanted that kite." Xu Yan stared at Qiao Lin's face. Qiao Lin didn't look back, seemingly lost in the memory, adding, "The child's mother later came to the shore every day to cry, clutching at passersby's legs, begging them to save her son. Eventually, they cut down all the trees along the bank and built a row of apartment buildings." After a pause, she said to Shen Haoming, "Xu Yan never says what she wants." Shen Haoming agreed, "Right, she keeps everything bottled up inside." Qiao Lin said, "It's alright, as long as you're always there, silently supporting her."

Xu Yan gazed at the lake before her. The afternoon sun cast a shimmering golden light on the water. Yu Yiming set down the oars, letting their boat drift. Suddenly, Qiao Lin spoke up, "I once saw a water monster. A child flying a kite fell into the river, and a plume of white smoke rose from the water. It drifted toward us, and I was so scared I grabbed Xu Yan's hand to run. But she seemed rooted to the spot, standing completely still. So I stayed too, linking arms with her, thinking if the water monster came, it could take us both." Qiao Lin leaned over the lake, trailing her fingers through the water, and said, "Yu Yiming, you should teach us to swim sometime."

The snow fell heavier now, making the river appear even grayer. The frozen duck boat shrank behind them, disappearing around a bend. Spotting a café by the roadside, they decided to stop in. Pushing open the door, they found it packed. Shen Haoming remarked, "Looks like everyone from Houhai has taken refuge here." Xu Yan paid and joined the line at the counter. The barista, seemingly new, spilled hot milk. Shen Haoming tapped Xu Yan from behind, saying, "Your cousin left her phone in the car. I'll go with her to get it." Xu Yan replied, "Let's all go after we get the coffee." Shen Haoming said, "No need, it's close," and turned to leave.

Through the window, Xu Yan watched them walk back the way they'd come, Qiao Lin seemingly talking animatedly. Irritated, she glared at the barista, folding and unfolding the receipt in her hands until, in a burst of frustration, she tore it in two.

Perhaps Qiao Lin was doing this on purpose. With Lawyer Wang refusing to help, she'd panicked and thought Shen Haoming might be able to assist, so she was trying to talk to him. Xu Yan seethed with resentment, her grip tightening until the receipt split apart.The boy making coffee took the torn receipt and carefully tried to decipher what drink was written on it. "Don't you even have basic training?" Xu Yan asked angrily. She placed the coffee on the table, pulled out a chair, and sat down. What would Qiao Lin say to Shen Haoming? If the truth came out, how should she explain it? Her mind was blank—no excuses came to her. She kept pressing her phone, watching the numbers of the time change.

They finally returned. Qiao Lin didn't sit down. She glanced at Xu Yan and said, "I'm going to make another call." Xu Yan looked at Shen Haoming, trying to read something from his expression. But he kept his head down, staring at his phone. Xu Yan nudged his arm and handed him the coffee from the table. He took a sip, frowned, and said, "This is terrible." When Qiao Lin came back, her expression was still grave. She drank two sips of water and held the cup, lost in thought. Shen Haoming looked at the snow outside and said to Xu Yan, "Don't drive. I'll have the driver pick you up."

The car arrived, and they got in first. Shen Haoming went to retrieve the things he had bought for Qiao Lin earlier at the children's clothing store and had the driver put them in the trunk. He leaned in by the window and said to Qiao Lin, "Cousin, if you're not leaving in the next couple of days, come over to my place." Qiao Lin nodded, watching as Shen Haoming walked away and got into his car. "He's really nice," Qiao Lin said to Xu Yan.

They didn't speak on the way. The driver took a detour to refuel. The engine cut off, and the music from the radio stopped. Qiao Lin gazed at the snowflakes outside the window and said, "I'm going back tomorrow." Xu Yan replied, "Okay."

The sun moved away from overhead, and the wind blew across the lake, lifting the scent of water into the air. The boat stirred from its afternoon nap, slowly coming to life. Xu Yan, Qiao Lin, and Yu Yiming all leaned back at the same time, curling their legs beneath them as they lay down, faces turned toward the sky. Maybe they were waiting for the sunset to appear, but gradually, it didn't matter anymore. Xu Yan closed her eyes. The lake felt like a pair of warm arms wrapped around her. Its pulse rose and fell, subtle yet powerful. The boat moved slowly, but they had nowhere to go. Not to the other shore, nor back home. The three of them could have stayed like that forever, and no one would have left.

As if nothing mattered anymore. Xu Yan relaxed her brow. She stopped calculating how much they loved each other. She only knew that she loved them. That intense emotion made her feel she wasn’t superfluous. She was one of them—even if insignificant, even if disposable, she didn’t care.

When she opened her eyes, the sunset had already come and gone. Only a few small clouds hung at the horizon. The lake was a sheet of gold, stretching endlessly. But in an instant, the water began to turn gray. When she turned her head, she saw Qiao Lin gazing at the lake, as if she had been watching for a very long time—or perhaps it was her gaze that had darkened the water. Yu Yiming still hadn’t opened his eyes, a faint smile lingering at the corner of his lips. Don’t open your eyes, Xu Yan silently wished for him. Because soon he would realize the sun had already set, and the boat would turn back. Their journey was over.Xu Yan ordered takeout for dinner. Qiao Lin didn't eat much, saying she wanted to lie down on the bed for a while. After finishing her meal, Xu Yan watched some TV. When she entered the bedroom, Qiao Lin was sitting on the bed, lost in thought. Xu Yan walked over to draw the curtains. Under the streetlight, a man in a down jacket was walking his dog. It was their neighbor across the hall, surnamed Tang. He looked up at the moon for a while, then picked up the dog from the ground, tucked it under his arm, and walked into the building.

Xu Yan heard Qiao Lin softly ask from behind, "Can Shen Haoming help us?" Xu Yan turned to look at Qiao Lin and said, "Didn't you ask him yourself when you two went to get the phone?" Qiao Lin shook her head. "I didn't say anything to him. He asked if I wanted to come to Beijing to work, that he could arrange it. I said no." "Oh," Xu Yan responded. Qiao Lin said, "He's a lawyer and knows a lot of people. Maybe he could even pull some government connections..." Xu Yan asked, "How do you know he's a lawyer?" Qiao Lin replied, "He told me himself. I really didn't ask anything." She lowered her head, looking at her rounded belly. "Lawyer Wang isn't answering my calls, and the TV station hasn't responded either. I'm really out of options. This has dragged on for so many years—it needs to be resolved..." Xu Yan laughed bitterly. "Have you ever considered me? Do you think I can get whatever I want, that my life is easy? You want a few days of peace—don't I want that too? At least you had a complete family when you were little. What did I have?" Her eyes reddened. "After all these years, can't you just leave me alone?" Qiao Lin also began to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come to bother you..." She lifted her face, sniffing back tears. "You haven't seen how Mom and Dad are now. Dad starts drinking as soon as he wakes up—his hands shake so much he can't even hold chopsticks. Mom sits at the computer all day, posting on forums for help, over and over. People call her crazy and kick her out, so she registers again and keeps posting... I can't handle it anymore. My health is failing—I've collapsed on the street several times..." She stopped, staring blankly ahead as if trying to make something out clearly.

The desk lamp cast light on Qiao Lin, but her face remained dark, her cheeks hollowed by shadows. Xu Yan looked at her, startled by how much her appearance had changed. The radiance of her youth was gone—perhaps inevitably—but it was as if it had never existed at all. No one could look at this face and imagine what she had been like as a girl. Xu Yan seemed to see, from the second-floor classroom window, that long-legged girl who always held her head slightly high as she walked across the campus. She had stepped out through those gates and then vanished. Where had she gone?Xu Yan walked to the bedside and took Qiao Lin's hand. It was burning hot, the heat seeping through her fingers like a flowing stream. Qiao Lin's fingers were long—this certainly wasn’t the first time Xu Yan had noticed this. Perhaps during some moment in their drawn-out adolescence, she had secretly studied those hands, quietly marveling at their beauty. But now, for the first time, she realized that these hands were perfect for playing the piano. Had they encountered a piano teacher in childhood, he would surely have said so. Had they met a dance instructor back then, he might have claimed they were made for dancing. This body, which had endured so much suffering, might also have harbored some innate talent. But talent didn’t matter—for some people, there would never come a moment in their lives when someone would sit down and discuss their gifts. Xu Yan remembered her third year of university, when she had secured an internship at a TV station and later been kept on. The director of the channel had told her, I don’t think you have much natural talent for hosting. Do you know why I chose you? Because there’s a fire in you—a drive to leap out from the crowd and reach for something higher.

Xu Yan held Qiao Lin’s hand and sat down. She felt as though she was drawing warmth from it. But the room was already hot, the floor warm beneath her—nothing like December. She said, I promise you, I’ll ask Shen Haoming. I just need to think about how to bring it up. I’m not doing this for Mom and Dad—only for you. Do you understand? Xu Yan squeezed her hand and added, Give me some time, okay? Qiao Lin nodded.

After ten o’clock, Shen Haoming called. Guess what? he said. The gifts got mixed up—the bag meant for your cousin was actually the dress for Ren Guodong’s daughter. Xu Yan tucked the phone between her ear and shoulder as she opened the paper bag, undoing the cream-colored satin ribbon. The little pearl-studded dress lay folded inside the box, silent and still. Should I bring it over now? she asked. No need, Shen Haoming replied. The gift set we got for your cousin will work just fine for Ren Guodong’s daughter. I bet your cousin’s having a girl, he laughed on the other end of the line. That dress I bought will definitely come in handy.