Love's Ambition

Xu Yan found an empty parking spot and pulled in. As soon as she got out of the car, another vehicle cut in front of them, and a man with black-framed glasses stepped out. He said, "It's you again. You've taken my spot." Xu Yan recognized him as the man who lived across from her, probably surnamed Tang. Once, his package had been mistakenly delivered to her place—it was a box of miniature Lego sets. When she returned it to him that evening, his eyes were red. She glanced at his TV, where Comrades: Almost a Love Story was playing. Maggie Cheung sat on the back of Leon Lai's bicycle.

Xu Yan said, "I didn’t know this was your spot—there’s no sign." She was about to move her car when the man waved his hand dismissively. "Never mind, I’ll go instead," he said, climbing back into his car and starting the engine.

Qiao Lin laughed. "He must have seen I’m pregnant. These days, I don’t have to queue anywhere. The moment I board a bus, someone offers me a seat. Once the baby’s born, I won’t know how to adjust."

Xu Yan unlocked the door to her apartment. She hadn’t actually planned to bring Qiao Lin home. The place was spacious and lavishly decorated—even someone unfamiliar with Beijing could guess that the rent here was beyond most people’s means. But Qiao Lin didn’t show any surprise or comment. She stood in the middle of the living room, tilting her head slightly and squinting, as if adjusting to the glare from the crystal chandelier overhead.

After a moment, she snapped out of it and asked Xu Yan, "What time does your show air?" Xu Yan replied, "It’s already over. Nothing worth watching." Qiao Lin pressed, "Do people recognize you on the street and ask for autographs?" Xu Yan shook her head. "It’s a cooking show. No one remembers what the host looks like." She fetched a new bathrobe and led Qiao Lin to the bathroom.

Pointing at the large circular bathtub, Qiao Lin asked, "Can I try it?" Xu Yan said, "Pregnant women shouldn’t soak in baths." Qiao Lin sighed. "Alright. I just really wanted to be in the water for a while." As she pulled off her sweater, her face half-hidden, she smiled and asked, "Could you burn your show onto a DVD for me to take back? Don’t worry, I won’t tell Mom and Dad. I’ll watch it secretly."

Underneath her sweater, Qiao Lin wore a dark blue thermal shirt that clung tightly to her swollen belly—so perfectly round it seemed almost surreal. Her transformed body, the curve stretched taut by life, held a strange, mysterious beauty. Xu Yan felt something prick at her heart.

The phone rang. Shen Haoming urged her to hurry over. When Qiao Lin heard she was leaving, fear flickered in her eyes. Xu Yan reassured her she’d be back soon, then grabbed her coat and left.

Xu Yan opened her eyes to find herself in a hospital room. The walls were white, the table was white, even the mug on the table was white. Qiao Lin sat by the bed, looking at her with sorrowful eyes. Xu Yan sat up and asked, "Tell me, what’s wrong with me?" Qiao Lin lowered her gaze. "There’s a tumor in your uterus. You need surgery."

"Uterus?" Xu Yan placed a hand on her stomach. She had never even felt the presence of this organ. Qiao Lin said, "You’re only seventeen. You shouldn’t be dealing with this. The doctor said it’s a hormonal issue—maybe related to the toxic injection they gave you at birth."

...The doctor stood at the foot of the bed. "The surgery went well, but the tumor may return. You could consider removing the uterus after having children. But pregnancy will be difficult for you." He didn’t say it was impossible, but Xu Yan knew that was what he meant.The doctor left, and the ward fell silent. Xu Yan gazed out the window at a crooked tree, its stray branch sawed off. Qiao Lin said, "I know nothing I say will make a difference, but I really don’t want to have children in the future. I don’t know why—just the thought terrifies me."

By the time Xu Yan arrived at the restaurant, Shen Haoming was already a bit drunk, discussing with two friends what car he should replace his current one with. Last month, he had driven his heavily modified Wrangler to Beidaihe, only for the axle to break halfway. Though it had been repaired, he declared he could never trust it again.

They had a road trip group, always traveling together with a dozen cars in a grand procession. Xu Yan had joined them once on a trip to Inner Mongolia. Every night, everyone drank themselves into a stupor, leaving behind piles of colorful trash on the grassland. One night, Xu Yan and Shen Haoming stayed sober and sat on a hillside talking until dawn. That was how they had met. Xu Yan didn’t know anyone well—she had been invited by another girl, who wasn’t close to her either, likely just because there was an empty seat in the car. By the fifth day, Xu Yan had moved to Shen Haoming’s car. They talked nonstop, eventually taking a wrong turn and losing the group. With only some smoked ham and a few candles left in the trunk, they spent an unforgettable night on the grassland.

On the day they returned to Beijing, Xu Yan felt downcast. Shen Haoming dropped her off at home, and as she watched his car drive away, she assumed he wouldn’t contact her again. She knew he was the kind of rich kid surrounded by pretty girls—he had only been with her out of travel loneliness. Perhaps from exhaustion, she fell ill the next day. Lying in bed, she felt like a fuse about to burn out, scorching the sheets. A strong, unrealistic longing gripped her. "Help me," she whispered to the ceiling in the dark. She always said this when she was suffering.

By evening, she received a text from Shen Haoming asking if she wanted to have dinner. Shaky and weak, she dragged herself out of bed, put on makeup, and went out. It wasn’t a dinner for two—many of Shen Haoming’s friends were there. Burning with fever, she still managed to smile as she sat beside him. The gathering lasted until midnight. On the way back, her body trembled uncontrollably. Shen Haoming touched her forehead and scolded her for not speaking up sooner, then turned the car toward the hospital. In the hallway outside the emergency room, he squeezed her hand and said, "You break my heart." She laughed and replied, "Everyone had a good time. It was a happy night, wasn’t it?"

That summer, Shen Haoming often took her to parties. These were held in large houses in the suburbs, always attended by girls in short skirts with their foreign boyfriends. It wasn’t until the end of summer that she realized she had become Shen Haoming’s girlfriend. By then, she had learned to curl her own hair and had bought several short skirts. By late September, sitting at a roadside barbecue stall with a few old friends, she understood she might never see them again. In her eight years in Beijing, she had constantly made new friends and entered new circles. That sense of rising, evolving, gave her a certain satisfaction."Do you want to go to Moscow?" Shen Haoming turned his head to look at her. "Let's drive there in the spring, okay?"

"Sure," Xu Yan replied. She thought of the stars over the wilderness and those nights when a little drunkenness made her feel a bit freer.

The dinner party ended, and Xu Yan drove Shen Haoming back to his parents' house. When they first rented the apartment, he had planned to live with her. But later, he found the commute too long, so most of the time, he still stayed at his parents' place. There, several maids attended to him, and the meals were to his liking. His parents didn’t want him to move out either—it was as if doing so would mean acknowledging his relationship with Xu Yan.

"Is your cousin settled in?" Shen Haoming suddenly asked. "My mom invited you over for dinner tomorrow. Bring her along."

"No need," Xu Yan said. "She has her own plans."

"I’m free the day after tomorrow. I can take her around, do some shopping with you," Shen Haoming offered.

"Okay," Xu Yan agreed.

By the time she got home, it was already one in the morning. Qiao Lin was still awake, leaning against the bed watching TV. She seemed to have been crying—she wiped her face and smiled at Xu Yan. "Have you seen this show? They swap a city kid with a rural kid, letting them live in each other’s homes for a few days. The rural kid ended up saving all the breakfast money the city 'parents' gave her, wanting to buy her grandma in the countryside a new pair of crutches."

"It’s all fake," Xu Yan said. "The show’s scripted."

"How could it be?" Qiao Lin protested. "That rural kid cried so hard."

Xu Yan changed into her pajamas and sat on the edge of the bed. "How come you can’t sleep? Shouldn’t pregnant women be drowsy all the time?"

"I lie awake till dawn every night," Qiao Lin said. "Everything looks like a double image, like the spirits of things have all come out."

"Have you seen a doctor?" Xu Yan asked.

"They said it’s stress, but they won’t let me take sedatives."

Xu Yan was silent for a moment. "Do you regret keeping the baby?"

Qiao Lin smiled. "Of course not. I’ve already bought clothes—white ones, unisex."

Six months ago, Qiao Lin had called to say she was pregnant. The man was named Lin Tao, two years younger than her. They worked together as salesclerks in the same mall. His parents had always warned him not to get involved with Qiao Lin—once you tangled with her family, you’d never have peace. When he found out she was pregnant, he panicked and took leave to hide. Qiao Lin swallowed her pride and went to his house. Lin Tao’s mother gave her some money to get rid of the baby.

Qiao Lin’s parents said, "How can you get rid of it?" and went to make a scene at the Lin household, even confronting Qiao Lin’s manager at the mall. Qiao Lin quit her job and told her parents, "If you keep causing trouble, I’ll die right in front of you."

During that time, Qiao Lin often called Xu Yan. "Why is there always so much drama in my life?" she’d ask.

One October morning, two girls stopped Xu Yan at the school gate. "So you’re Qiao Lin’s little sidekick?" they said. "Stay away from that fox spirit, unless you want to stink like her too." Xu Yan wasn’t entirely surprised. She’d noticed Qiao Lin was infamous at school—many boys chased her, and just as many gossiped behind her back.

After school, she met up with Qiao Lin but didn’t mention the incident. As they reached the gate, the two girls approached again. Heads bowed, they said mournfully, "We spoke out of turn. We’re sorry. Please don’t take it to heart."

Qiao Lin frowned and said nothing.They went to the ice cream shop again. Yu Yiming arrived soon after. Qiao Lin glared at him and said, "You’ve got quite the network of informants." Yu Yiming replied, "What’s wrong?" Qiao Lin shot back, "Don’t play dumb. Did you send Wang Bin to intimidate Li Jingjing?" Yu Yiming said, "They were too arrogant. Someone had to put them in their place." Qiao Lin retorted, "If you really consider Wang Bin a friend, don’t drag him into this. He already has two strikes against him—one more and he’ll be expelled." Yu Yiming insisted, "I can’t let them slander you like this." Qiao Lin smiled faintly. "I don’t care."

Xu Yan turned to Qiao Lin and said, "If I were you, I’d probably get an abortion." Qiao Lin looked horrified. "How could I? It’s a life." Xu Yan replied, "There are plenty of mistaken lives in this world. Bringing them into existence only means suffering." Qiao Lin shook her head. "Stop. I could never do that."

Xu Yan knew exactly why Qiao Lin couldn’t—because of their parents. Initially opposed to family planning, they had later extended their disapproval to abortion as well. Wang Yazhen, in particular, had become a crusader on the issue. She often stationed herself outside hospitals, intercepting women seeking abortions, telling them ghost stories, and even intimidating doctors and nurses into abandoning their scalpels to perform Buddhist rites at temples. A few women had listened to her, gone through with their pregnancies, and later sent her photos of their babies’ one-month celebrations. Wang Yazhen enlarged these pictures and carried them around like propaganda. She loved recounting her own story: "My youngest daughter—they forced me to abort her, pumped me full of hormones and poison. I have a heart condition and nearly died on the operating table. But look, didn’t she grow up healthy and strong? You have no hardships at all—what reason do you have to reject your child?" She would undoubtedly hold Qiao Lin up as a model single mother. As for how Qiao Lin would actually raise the child, she gave it no thought. Qiao Lin had been supporting the family for years, and now she was out of a job.

Their misfortunes would ultimately become bargaining chips for their parents’ petitions. Even Xu Yan’s uterine tumor had been exploited, broadcasted far and wide just to squeeze out more compensation. The dormant volcano of anger in Xu Yan’s heart erupted anew. So perhaps it wasn’t entirely for Qiao Lin’s sake—more than anything, she wanted to defy her parents’ will, to strike a heavy blow against them. She called Qiao Lin again. Qiao Lin sounded flattered. "You’ve never called me before," she said. Xu Yan replied, "You should reconsider. Keeping this child could ruin your life." Qiao Lin said, "But it’s alive. It moves inside me. It’s incredible—you wouldn’t understand the feeling..." Xu Yan scoffed. "No, I wouldn’t. And from now on, I won’t interfere in your affairs."

Qiao Lin didn’t call again. Occasionally, Xu Yan would catch herself calculating how far along the pregnancy was, wondering when the baby would be born.

Qiao Lin sat on the bleachers at the sports field, sucking on a popsicle, her lips stained bright with artificial coloring. Xu Yan walked over. "Hiding here won’t help," she said. Qiao Lin stayed silent. Xu Yan pressed, "Do you enjoy watching boys fight over you? If you don’t want to date them, why lead them on and keep them orbiting around you?" Qiao Lin finally looked up, her orange-stained lips curling into a smile. "Maybe I’m just afraid of being alone," she said. "Do you hate girls like me?"Xu Yan lay down on the bed and reached out to turn off the bedside lamp. But the darkness wasn’t dark enough—a trembling sliver of light seeped through the gap in the curtains. Just as she hesitated whether to eliminate that stubborn glow, Qiao Lin’s hand reached through the barrier of the quilt between them and found hers.

“Remember,” Qiao Lin said, “when Grandma was sick and I brought you home, how we squeezed onto my tiny bed?”

Xu Yan replied, “That was when we were really little. I stopped going over after starting middle school.”

Qiao Lin tightened her grip. “I know I said the wrong thing last time. I kept wanting to call you, but I was afraid you’d try to talk me into getting rid of the baby again…”

Xu Yan said, “Admit it, you regret it now.”

“No,” Qiao Lin said. “I’ve thought it through. Whatever I give this child—whether it’s a lot or a little—it’s still heading toward its own fate. You suffered plenty growing up, but aren’t you doing alright now?”

Xu Yan asked, “And what about you? What fate are you chasing, carrying such a heavy burden?”

Qiao Lin laughed softly in the dark. “I’ve always been stubborn, thinking nothing gets done without me. But what use am I, really?” She squeezed Xu Yan’s palm. “I gave up on the petition a long time ago. I was just holding on out of spite toward Lin Tao. Back then, he said, ‘If your family really gets justice and stops making trouble, I’ll marry you.’ But how could that happen? He’s probably got a new girlfriend by now.”

Xu Yan turned over and closed her eyes. She listened to Qiao Lin’s labored breathing—like a ship slowly sinking. An obvious yet long-overlooked truth settled over her: Her sister’s life was a mess, and it might never get better.

Could she help her?

She could. Shen Haoming was a lawyer himself, warm-hearted and always eager to help friends. His father had plenty of government connections.

She couldn’t. She could never bring herself to ask. From the start, she had hidden the truth about her family—claiming her father was gone, her mother dead, that she’d been raised by her grandmother. It wasn’t a lie, she told herself, just self-preservation. Who would accept parents who constantly stirred up trouble, always getting dragged away by security? Still, since she had always referred to Qiao Lin as her cousin—could she ask them to help this “cousin”? But there was risk. Her parents had mentioned their younger daughter’s name in interviews, even saying she now lived in Beijing. If those records surfaced, her cover would be blown.

Xu Yan managed a few hours of fitful sleep before waking near dawn. She felt Qiao Lin’s breath against her ear, warm puffs of air brushing her face. When she opened her eyes, Qiao Lin was watching her in the dim morning light. For a moment, Xu Yan couldn’t recall when, long ago, Qiao Lin had looked at her just like this—those big round eyes seeming to understand something important, something she needed to say. But she didn’t speak.

“Do I look blurry to you too?” Xu Yan asked.

Qiao Lin said, “No, I see you very clearly.”

Yu Yiming stood at the door of her classroom. “Qiao Lin hasn’t come to class for three days,” he said.

Xu Yan replied, “My dad broke his leg. She has to take care of him.”

Yu Yiming frowned. “Every time something happens with your parents, she misses school. Exams are coming up—this can’t go on. Take me to see her.”It was snowing outside, and the road was icy. They pushed their bicycles forward. The wind was strong, and the snow fell in chaotic swirls, the sky resembling a hornet's nest. Yu Yiming's hair had grown long again, his face pale with a charming little dimple on his chin. With a solemn expression, he said, "Help me persuade Qiao Lin to study hard and take the exams with me to Beijing." Xu Yan replied, "She doesn't want to leave." Yu Yiming said, "She has no future here." Xu Yan asked, "What's Beijing like?" Yu Yiming answered, "The streets are really wide, full of shops, and there are lots of cafés. Study hard, and in two years, you can take the exams and join us there." Xu Yan asked, "Me?" Yu Yiming said, "Yeah, we'll be waiting for you in Beijing."

Xu Yan stared at him blankly. The white breath from his mouth rose into the air before dissipating.