Love's Ambition

Before her yoga class, Xu Yan received a call from Qiao Lin. Hearing that she had come to Beijing, Xu Yan was surprised and arranged to meet her that evening. There was a brief silence on the other end before Qiao Lin pleaded in a fragile voice, "Where are you now? Can I come see you?"

It had been two years since they last saw each other. The previous time was when their grandmother passed away, and Xu Yan had returned to Tai'an to collect some childhood belongings. As she was leaving, Qiao Lin had asked, "Are you planning never to come back?" Xu Yan replied, "You can always visit me in Beijing." Qiao Lin then asked, "Can I call you when I'm sad?" "Of course," Xu Yan had said. Qiao Lin often called late at night, sometimes crying for a long time. But she hadn’t called in the last five months.

Outside, the sky had darkened completely as they got into the car. The overhead light cast a glow on Qiao Lin’s profile, revealing bruises on her cheekbone and the corner of her mouth. Xu Yan asked what she wanted to eat. Turning her head, Qiao Lin smiled faintly and said, "Something spicy—my mouth feels tasteless." She straightened up, tugging the seatbelt away from her stomach. "Do I have to wear this? It’s uncomfortable." "Keep it on," Xu Yan said. "I just got my license, and this car is borrowed." Qiao Lin leaned forward slightly. "Drive faster, take me for a spin."

The road was congested. The car barely inched forward a few hundred meters before stopping at an intersection. Xu Yan turned to ask, "When are Mom and Dad leaving?" "Early tomorrow morning," Qiao Lin replied. "What did you tell them?" "I said I was meeting up with a high school classmate. They don’t care anyway." "If they ask about me, just say I’m away on a business trip," Xu Yan said. Qiao Lin nodded. "I know, I know."

The car entered the underground parking garage of a shopping mall. Xu Yan pulled the handbrake and told Qiao Lin they had arrived. Slumping back in her seat, Qiao Lin murmured, "I don’t even want to move. These heated seats are so comfortable." She closed her eyes as if about to fall asleep. Xu Yan shook her gently. Qiao Lin grabbed Xu Yan’s hand and placed it on her stomach, whispering, "Baby, this is your aunt, Qiao Yan. Come on, say hello."

In the darkness, a soft smile crossed her face. Xu Yan thought she felt something move—like a ripple, gently brushing against her palm. She withdrew her hand and said, "Let’s go."

Xu Yan crouched on the ground, clutching her stomach. The sun blazed overhead as legs swung past, one after another clearing the high jump bar. "Jump! Hurry up and jump!" someone shouted at her. Summoning all her strength, she stood up. The bar loomed closer until someone grabbed her—she felt as though she were back in the car, Qiao Lin’s voice floating above her. "Driver, go faster." A sense of calm washed over her, and she closed her eyes.

Xu Yan had long forgotten she was once surnamed Qiao. In truth, she had carried that name for fifteen years.

When applying for her ID card, she changed it to her grandmother’s surname. Her grandmother had said, "I might die next year, and you’ll have to go back to your parents. If that happens, you can change it back to Qiao." For as long as Xu Yan could remember, her grandmother had always claimed she was about to die—yet she lived many more years, until Xu Yan finished university in Beijing.

From the moment Xu Yan was born, everyone who heard her cries was terrified. She should have been silent, unwashed, placed in a small urn, and buried on the outskirts of the mountain. Her father had already chosen the spot, a distance away from the ancestral graves, because a stillborn child carried resentment that could disrupt the family’s feng shui.Seven months into the pregnancy, they induced labor for her mother. It was said they injected a toxic solution through the amniotic fluid into the fetus's head. But perhaps the doctor missed the mark or didn’t use enough, because she was born alive and cried louder than anyone. The sound of her wails drowned out all the other newborns in the hospital combined. Her grandmother said she followed the cries to find her. The operating room was empty, the baby left alone on the table. Maybe they still held onto some hope that the poison would take effect later, sparing them the need for another injection through the fontanelle.

Her grandmother slipped the nurse some money, wrapped the baby in a blanket, and carried her away. It was a clear early summer night, the sky full of stars. The old woman hurried to another hospital, where doctors placed the newborn in an incubator. "Stop crying, sleep a little, and let me sleep too, alright?" her grandmother said. She spent the first night of Xu Yan’s life in a chair outside the intensive care unit.

Xu Yan ordered a split hotpot and turned the spicy side toward Qiao Lin. Qiao Lin only ate a few mushrooms. Her jaw was even more swollen now, the bruise at the corner of her mouth turning purple.

"How did it even come to a fight?" Xu Yan asked. Qiao Lin replied, "Dad was shouting in the family planning office, and when the security guards tried to drag him out, they got into a scuffle. Someone pushed me, and I hit the door." Xu Yan sighed. "What’s the point of you all coming to Beijing anyway?" Qiao Lin said, "I just wanted to see you." Xu Yan pressed, "And them? Why didn’t you try to talk them out of it?" Qiao Lin explained, "Coming here might lift their spirits a little. At home, they fight all the time—last time, Dad nearly set the house on fire. Besides, there’s a lawyer named Wang who’s interested in our case. He said he’d help get in touch with the 'Legal Focus' program to see if they’d do an interview." Xu Yan scoffed, "Haven’t we had enough interviews? What good do they do?" Qiao Lin insisted, "That show has a big impact. Several families like ours got their cases resolved after appearing on it." Xu Yan asked, "Are you going to be interviewed too? With that big belly—aren’t you ashamed?" Qiao Lin lowered her eyes, picking up slices of lamb soaked in bloody water and dropping them into the pot with a splash.

After a while, Qiao Lin asked quietly, "Since you work at the TV station, do you know anyone who could put in a word for us?" Xu Yan replied, "I don’t even know half the people in my own department. The station’s been cutting staff—I might be out of a job tomorrow." She studied Qiao Lin. "Did Mom and Dad send you?" Qiao Lin shook her head. "I really just wanted to see you."

Xu Yan said nothing. Over Qiao Lin’s shoulder, she saw the nightmare that had chased her for years resurface—petitioning, demanding justice. Her father’s eyes, dried out like insect specimens, and her mother’s voice, growing sharper with time. Of course, Xu Yan had no right to resent them. She was their nightmare.

Her father, Qiao Jianbin, had once been a middle school teacher before losing his job for violating the one-child policy. He felt wronged—his wife, Wang Yazhen, had gotten pregnant despite having an IUD, and due to her rheumatic heart condition, multiple hospitals had refused to perform the abortion, passing her around until she was seven months along before the central hospital finally took her in. They appealed to the family planning commission, hoping to get Qiao Jianbin reinstated. The commission said that as long as the child lived, the violation stood. The child did live—but it wasn’t because they let her. The couple began petitioning, pulling every string, handing out gifts, but in the end, they couldn’t even secure compensation.Qiao Jianbin's mental state was deteriorating. When he drank, he would smash things and even hurt himself, so someone had to watch him constantly. Though he kept shouting about going back to work, everyone could see he was already a broken man. Wang Yazhen's parents were both traditional Chinese medicine practitioners, and she herself knew a bit about medicine, so she rented a storefront and opened a clinic. It was a low two-story building—she treated patients downstairs while the whole family lived upstairs, allowing her to keep an eye on Qiao Jianbin at all times. Qiao Lin grew up in that house. Xu Yan, on the other hand, always lived with her grandmother. In her heart, Qiao Lin and their parents were a complete family, while she was the extra one. Whenever Qiao Jianbin looked at her, there was something desolate in his eyes. She was what he had traded his job for—not just his job, but everything. His life had been ruined because of her. Wang Yazhen’s expression was always grim too, filled with resentment. Besides supporting the family, she had to endure the grandmother’s constant nitpicking. The grandmother believed that if not for Wang Yazhen’s heart condition, which made it impossible to have a proper abortion, things wouldn’t have turned out this way. Every time she visited, she would argue with Wang Yazhen. And after she left, Wang Yazhen would fight with Qiao Jianbin. Everyone in this family resented each other. No one resented Qiao Lin. Her existence was natural and justified, and she was always the one mediating conflicts and soothing tempers. In those years, her most frequent tasks were breaking up fights and offering comfort. She praised Xu Yan’s intelligence and maturity to their parents, while telling Xu Yan how much their parents missed her. She had always hoped Xu Yan would move back home. But in middle school, Xu Yan had a huge fight with Qiao Jianbin and never stepped foot in that house again.

Xu Yan rode her Phoenix-brand bicycle down the cobblestone road in front of the clinic. Qiao Lin leaned out from the second-floor window and waved at her. "Pedal faster, you’ll be late," Qiao Lin said with a laugh. Xu Yan was in middle school, while Qiao Lin was in high school. Since the high school was closer to home, Qiao Lin always waited until she saw Xu Yan before setting off herself. Sometimes, she would wait for her at the door and slip her a freshly washed apple.

Xu Yan’s phone rang. It was Shen Haoming. He was having dinner with some friends and wanted her to join them later. Xu Yan hung up. The hot pot in front of them was boiling, slices of lamb rolling in the spicy broth, flecks of oil splashing onto the back of Qiao Lin’s hand. But she didn’t seem to notice, absorbed in arranging the mushrooms on her plate—moving them from one side to the other, lining them up one by one. She patiently adjusted their positions so they wouldn’t overlap. Then she set down her chopsticks and smiled that empty smile again. "Was that your boyfriend just now?" she asked. Xu Yan gave a noncommittal hum. "You never tell me anything," Qiao Lin said. "You’ve been like this since we were kids. What does he do?" "Office worker," Xu Yan replied. "Does he treat you well?" "Well enough. Are you going to eat or not?" Qiao Lin said, "It must feel nice, having someone to think about, huh?"

Outside the restaurant was a bustling shopping mall. A group of high school girls crowded around the ice cream counter. "Want some?" Xu Yan asked. Qiao Lin touched her stomach, as if consulting it. She leaned over the freezer, examining each tub of ice cream. "Is raspberry a fruit?" she asked. "Should I get raspberry or nuts?" "Get both," Xu Yan said. "I don’t want a cup, I want a cone," Qiao Lin told the girl behind the counter, smiling.It was a morning in September, Xu Yan’s first day of high school. Qiao Lin stood at the school gate, holding an umbrella. When she saw Xu Yan, she walked over with a smile. "Why didn’t you put on your raincoat hood? Your hair is all wet," she said, reaching out to brush aside the damp strands on Xu Yan’s forehead. "It’s so nice—we’re at the same school now. We’ll see each other every day. Don’t leave after class; I’ll take you for ice cream. Taro flavor."

Passing by a children’s clothing store, Qiao Lin slowed her steps. Xu Yan followed her gaze to the sparkling display window, where a white dress hung. The shimmering taffeta was embroidered with tiny blue and pink flowers at the chest, adorned with pearls, and the skirt was edged with delicate ruffles. Qiao Lin pressed her face against the glass. "Little girls’ clothes are so pretty," she murmured. Xu Yan asked, "Do you hope it’s a boy or a girl?" "A boy," Qiao Lin replied. "If it’s a boy, maybe Lin Tao’s family will change their mind." Xu Yan asked, "Has he contacted you since then?" Qiao Lin shook her head.

The car pulled out of the underground garage. The commercial street was brightly lit, with red Christmas stockings and colorful gift boxes hanging in the shop windows. The trees along the road were wrapped in strings of icy blue lights. A male celebrity smiled from an advertisement, his teeth gleaming white. Qiao Lin pointed at him and asked, "Don’t you think he looks like Yu Yiming?" Xu Yan asked, "Did you reach out to him this time?" Qiao Lin said, "I don’t have his number anymore." Xu Yan fell silent for a moment before saying, "We’re almost there. I booked you a hotel, not far from my place." Qiao Lin nodded, gripping the seatbelt across her stomach.

Yu Yiming walked over and sat down across from her and Qiao Lin. His shirt, worn open over his T-shirt, carried the scent of rain. The air was damp, and outside, the sky was growing dark. Yu Yiming wiped the water from his face and smiled at them. There was a charming little dimple on his chin.

When they reached the hotel, Qiao Lin suddenly refused to get out of the car. She curled up cautiously, as if afraid of dirtying something inside. Xu Yan asked, "What’s wrong?" Qiao Lin whispered, "Don’t make me sleep alone in a hotel, okay? I want to stay with you..." She lifted her reddened eyes. "Please, okay?"

The car turned back onto the main road. Qiao Lin remained curled up, glancing at Xu Yan from time to time. She asked softly, "Can we still cancel the hotel room? Will they charge us?" Xu Yan said, "I just thought staying at a hotel would be comfortable. They serve breakfast in the morning." Qiao Lin replied, "I know, I know. I’m sorry."

The car windows fogged up. Qiao Lin wiped them with her hand and gazed at the neon lights outside, quietly reading the words on the billboards. Only when the car climbed onto the overpass, plunging into darkness around them, did she lean back in her seat. She patted her stomach and said, "Little one, will you come find your aunt in Beijing someday?" Xu Yan didn’t answer. She stared ahead as the windshield fogged up too, the short stretch of road illuminated by the headlights pale and dim.Qiao Lin stared at Yu Yiming and said, "Your haircut looks terrible." Yu Yiming replied, "I know you cut hair well, but I couldn't go two months without a trim back home." Qiao Lin pulled Xu Yan closer and said, "Come, meet my sister—my real sister." Yu Yiming turned to Qiao Lin, "Let's go, we should head back for evening self-study." Qiao Lin said, "You go ahead. I want to sit with my sister for a bit—it's been so long since I've seen her." Yu Yiming said, "It's been a while since I've seen you too. You promised to visit me in Jinan but never did." Qiao Lin smiled, "Next summer, maybe. I'll go with my sister." Yu Yiming left. Xu Yan said, "Can you not tell people I'm your sister? Do you have to let everyone know about the family's violation of the one-child policy?" Qiao Lin lowered her eyes and said, "Got it." Xu Yan asked, "Are you two dating?" Qiao Lin said, "No." Xu Yan pressed, "Don't lie to me." Qiao Lin replied, "Really, he's just here in Tai'an as a temporary student. He'll leave after the college entrance exams." Xu Yan said, "You could leave too."

Qiao Lin smiled faintly and said nothing.