The Palace Stewardess

2: Eternal Longing

Consort Li later relayed Pei Shangshi’s account of the past to the Emperor. At the time, Zhenzhen was by the Emperor’s side, and Consort Li did not ask her to leave, allowing her to become a witness to the story.

Recalling Pei Shangshi’s words, “If anything happens to Councilor Shen, I am willing to atone with my death,” the Emperor sighed and remarked, “Though the Director of Palace Food spoke of atonement, I sensed a hint of willingness to follow him in life and death. It is indeed fate’s cruelty that she has lived a solitary life because of Shen Han, but it also shows how deeply she loved him back then. She has never been able to let go, and though she resents him, Shen Lang has always remained in her heart. That is why she never asked the late Emperor or me for permission to leave the palace and marry. While their relationship can no longer be rekindled, perhaps the lingering resentment between them can be resolved. After all, they were once in love, and now both have silver hair. It is time for them to release this burden.”

Consort Li bowed slightly and said, “Your Majesty speaks wisely. I also believe that, by now, they might both wish to let go of past grievances, but neither can bring themselves to make the first move. Someone needs to guide them and offer a gentle push.”

The Emperor pondered for a moment, then devised a plan with Consort Li. They explained it to Zhenzhen, tasking her with guiding Pei Shangshi to carry it out.

It was a tradition in the dynasty for the Emperor to grant ice from the imperial ice cellars to officials during the summer to relieve the heat. It was now the fourth month of summer, and the weather was growing increasingly warm. The Emperor ordered that ice be bestowed upon Shen Han and instructed Pei Shangshi to personally prepare a pastry. Zhenzhen was to deliver it along with the ice to Shen’s residence.

Though slightly surprised, Pei Shangshi accepted the order and worked alone in the kitchen to make a sweet treat. Zhenzhen offered to help, but Pei Shangshi did not agree. However, she did not ask Zhenzhen to leave either, allowing her to observe the process.

A spoonful of solidified lard was placed in a small heated pot to melt. Pei Shangshi then sifted an appropriate amount of previously roasted flour into the pot, stirring steadily to blend the oil and flour into a consistency that was neither too thick nor too thin. She then removed the pot from the heat, sprinkled in sugar and mixed it well. Next, she took out the dough, placed it on a cutting board, rolled it out, and cut it into diamond-shaped pieces resembling water chestnut slices. Finally, she retrieved powdered sugar from a glass jar and evenly sprinkled it over the diamond-shaped pieces.

Pei Shangshi’s seasoning jars were unique—they were made of glass bestowed by the Emperor, crystal clear and allowing a clear view of their contents. Several glass jars were neatly arranged on the kitchen cabinet, shimmering with light and appearing pure and elegant. Like Lin Hong, she had arranged her seasonings in a strict order, allowing her to reach for what she needed without even looking up.

While Zhenzhen watched in silent admiration, Pei Shangshi completed the pastry. After letting it cool slightly, she picked up a piece to taste, savoring the sensation of the snow-white, flaky pastry crumbling between her teeth. The texture was as she had expected, and as she chewed, a faint smile appeared at the corner of her lips, her gaze softening. It reminded Zhenzhen of the expression her mother used to wear when she tasted food first to ensure it was just the right temperature for her.

Suddenly remembering Zhenzhen’s presence, Pei Shangshi gestured to her and said, “You should try some too.”

Seeing that there were not many pieces cut, Zhenzhen thanked Pei Shangshi but declined with a wave of her hand. Pei Shangshi did not insist. Together, they placed the finished pastry into the food box bestowed by the Emperor.

It was customary in the palace to include a few auspicious verses written on gold-sprinkled poetry paper when presenting food to officials. Zhenzhen consulted Pei Shangshi about the content of the verses for this occasion, explaining that the Emperor wished for Pei Shangshi to decide on the lines. Pei Shangshi fell silent for a moment before saying, “Help me think of something.”Zhenzhen smiled and said, "I only remember a handful of poems..." Nevertheless, she prepared to think and asked Pei Shangshi to tell her the name of the dessert.

Pei Shangshi replied, "Snowflake Pastry."

"Snowflake Pastry..." Zhenzhen pondered, thinking she should recall a couple of lines related to snowflakes. Among the poems she had memorized in her life, those by Su Shi were the most numerous. Initially, she memorized those related to food and drink, and later, she also remembered many others on various topics. Now, as she thought of Snowflake Pastry, two lines indeed came to mind, and she immediately recited them: "Last year we parted at the gate of Yuhang, / The flying snow like willow catkins. / This spring has ended, willow catkins like snow, / Yet still you have not returned home."

Upon hearing this, Pei Shangshi frowned at her, not in anger but with a look of surprise.

Zhenzhen suddenly remembered how Pei Shangshi had once seen Shen Han off to the imperial examinations and realized that these lines were all too fitting, likely to sting Pei Shangshi. She lowered her head, embarrassed, and said, "No, no, these lines don’t seem auspicious. Please, Director, decide for yourself."

Pei Shangshi turned expressionlessly toward the door and said, "Go ask The Emperor for his opinion."

The Emperor thought the lines were excellent and praised Zhenzhen for her cleverness with a smile. He personally wrote the two lines on a poetry card and instructed Zhenzhen to attach it to the Snowflake Pastry box to be sent to Shen Han.

When Zhenzhen delivered the Snowflake Pastry along with ice to Shen Han’s residence, Shen Han, still unwell, came out to greet her. He knelt and expressed his gratitude, maintaining his dignified and solemn demeanor. Zhenzhen presented the box of Snowflake Pastry along with the gilded poetry card to Shen Han and advised, "This Snowflake Pastry was made by Pei Shangshi at The Emperor’s request. She prepared it with great care, personally overseeing every step of the process, making its flavor unique. The Emperor even personally inscribed these lines for it. I hope you will savor it carefully, Councilor Shen."

Shen Han bowed deeply again in gratitude before accepting the Snowflake Pastry. As he unfolded the poetry card, just as Zhenzhen had anticipated, his previously flawless composure cracked. His hand holding the card trembled slightly, and the emotions welling up in his eyes surged uncontrollably under Zhenzhen’s scrutiny.

Two days later, Zhenzhen once again followed the Emperor’s orders to the Waiting Hall to gather opinions from the ministers about breakfast. Unexpectedly, Shen Han was the first to enter the hall again, arriving even earlier than last time. At that moment, he was the only minister inside or outside the Waiting Hall.

Zhenzhen approached him and bowed, asking, "Councilor, you seem to have just recovered. Shouldn’t you rest a bit longer before returning to court?"

Shen Han did not answer, but unlike his usual arrogance, he bowed deeply in return. He stood silently facing her for a moment, as if weighing his words for a long time, before silently handing Zhenzhen a small food box.

Zhenzhen took it, opened it, and was surprised to find a piece of Snowflake Pastry inside. She asked Shen Han, "Is this Pei Shangshi’s Snowflake Pastry? What guidance do you have for me, Councilor Shen?"

Shen Han nodded and said gently, "Please taste it first, Kitchen Supervisor Wu, and we can discuss it afterward."

As the snowflake-like crumbs melted on Zhenzhen’s tongue and she discerned their flavor, she instantly understood why Shen Han was in such a state.

The Snowflake Pastry was salty—exceptionally salty, to the point where one would want to spit it out immediately. Aside from the layer of sugar frosting on the surface, there was not a hint of sweetness from white sugar inside.

She took a handkerchief, spat out the Snowflake Pastry into it, wrapped it up, and felt both bewildered and uneasy. She bowed to Shen Han again and said, "Councilor..."Shen Han gestured for her to sit opposite him, then asked, "Was this Snowflake Pastry made entirely by Pei Shangshi herself from start to finish?"

Zhenzhen confirmed, saying, "I watched the Director make it with my own eyes."

Shen Han sighed. "Although she has never thought much of me, from what I know of her, if she had any dissatisfaction, she would speak her mind directly and not deliberately use food to trouble me."

"The Director certainly wouldn't do it on purpose." Zhenzhen recalled the gentle look in Pei Shangshi's eyes when she tasted the Snowflake Pastry and immediately asserted this. Thinking back on the preparation process, Zhenzhen strongly suspected that Pei Shangshi had mistakenly used a type of sea salt with granules similar in size to white sugar. She then said to Shen Han, "The crystal jars for holding seasonings in the Director's kitchen are all identical. Among them is a jar of sea salt that looks very similar to white sugar in color and granule size. Even if there were slight differences, the Director made it under candlelight at night, so she probably didn't notice. This was an honest mistake. I hope you can understand, Shen Canzheng, and not tell The Emperor."

"Did she taste it herself after making it?" Shen Han did not seem intent on blaming her but was gradually uncovering the truth.

Zhenzhen was taken aback. Pei Shangshi had indeed tasted it and calmly affirmed it with a smile, indicating she hadn't noticed any unusual flavor. Yet the saltiness in the Snowflake Pastry came from coarse sea salt, which had an extremely strong taste. Using this salt in the same quantity as white sugar, an ordinary person would immediately detect the unbearable saltiness, let alone the Director, whose sense of taste should be even more sensitive.

"Ah, given her habits, she would never serve food to others without first tasting it for seasoning." Without waiting for Zhenzhen's reply, Shen Han spoke for himself. "So, her sense of taste..."

She had lost her sense of taste. That was almost the only possible answer. Recently, the Junior Eunuch who helped clean her kitchen had been replaced by a new one. He likely hadn't paid attention to the original positions of the crystal jars when taking them down to wipe the cabinets and, after cleaning, mistakenly swapped the salt jar with the white sugar jar, failing to return them to their proper places, which led to this incident.

The truth behind many previously unexamined matters suddenly became clear: why Pei Shangshi instructed palace attendants in cooking by observing the process without tasting the dishes herself; why The Emperor had favored the food prepared by Consort Liu in recent years; why The Emperor had chosen a young palace attendant to assist Pei Shangshi in overseeing the pre-tasting of imperial meals; why Pei Shangshi claimed she was too old to eat many foods and had Zhenzhen taste all the imperial meals...

Zhenzhen felt an overwhelming ache in her heart. As someone who made and tasted delicacies for a living, to lose her sense of taste, carefully guarding this secret—her tongue no longer functioning, she relied on her eyes and years of accumulated experience, judging the flavors of dishes by wholeheartedly observing the cooking process...

"Do not discuss this with The Emperor, and do not tell anyone." Shen Han noticed the tears glistening at the corner of her eye and began to speak earnestly, asking Zhenzhen to keep Pei Shangshi's secret. "Pei Shangshi never married in her life. Now, with no parents or children, aside from her position in the palace, she has virtually nothing. If it were discovered that her sense of taste is no longer sharp, at best she would be forced to resign, at worst expelled from the palace. And once out of the palace, she would have nowhere to go... You, as the Assistant Director of Palace Food, were promoted by Pei Shangshi herself. I trust you will understand her difficulties. In the future, please be accommodating. If anyone asks her to taste imperial meals, I hope you will mediate and help her navigate the situation."At this point, he stood up, faced Zhenzhen, and bowed deeply with exceptional solemnity.

Zhenzhen quickly rose to return the courtesy, suddenly realizing that this entreaty was the very reason Shen Han had dragged his ailing body to the Dawn Waiting Hall. No matter how much he had disapproved of Zhenzhen before, to ask her to cover for Pei Shangshi, he was willing to set aside his pride and plead.

"Rest assured, Councilor, I will keep my mouth shut and not mention this matter to anyone," Zhenzhen promised with equal gravity.

Shen Han's eyes lit up with joy, and he thanked her repeatedly.

His particularly concerned attitude toward Pei Shangshi puzzled Zhenzhen somewhat: Councilor Shen seemed deeply loyal and righteous, not quite like the heartless man in Pei Shangshi's memory. After pondering several times, she finally couldn't help but ask him, "Since Councilor Shen cares so much about Pei Shangshi, why did you abandon her back then and marry someone else?"

Shen Han was taken aback and asked in return, "Did she tell you about our past?"

Zhenzhen replied, "I heard it from Consort Li... just a few words, perhaps not entirely accurate."

Shen Han fell silent, then after a moment gave a sorrowful smile. "When did I ever abandon her? She chose the late emperor first, and only then did I marry my current wife."

Though he had faced Pei Shangshi's cold demeanor for many years, he still vividly remembered her lively and charming youthful appearance, especially her gentle frown and faint smile on the day she saw him off for the Provincial Examination.

As autumn deepened, the dense forests on both banks of the river turned from green to yellow and then to red, dyeing the landscape with layered, brocade-like hues. They shared a small boat, with him at the bow and her at the stern. Holding a long pole, she personally punted the boat to send him off. Though reluctant to part, she suppressed her sorrow, skillfully maneuvering the pole while trying to keep the conversation light, letting her clear, melodious laughter ripple into the river's emerald waters.

Feeling sorry for her hard work, he wanted to stand up and take over so she could rest. But as soon as he rose and took a step, the boat lost its balance and began to sway violently. With his arms outstretched, he swayed uncontrollably up and down with the boat, his face pale with fright.

She, however, showed no fear. She tapped his chest with the long pole, making him sit back down at the bow, and laughed, "Just sit still and don't cause trouble."

He chuckled awkwardly and said, "I feel terrible sitting here doing nothing while you, a young lady, do all the work."

"Then sing me a song," she suggested.

He agreed, glanced at the mountains on both sides, and sang aloud, "Green are the hills of Wu, green are the hills of Yue, the green hills on both banks greet each other, how can they bear the sorrow of parting?"

After singing the first stanza, he remembered a line from the second stanza: "The knot of shared hearts on the silk ribbon remains undone, yet the river's tide has already calmed." Finding the omen unfavorable, he stopped singing.

She asked in surprise, "Why didn't you finish?"

"I forgot the second stanza," he replied with a smile, gazing at her radiant face amidst the emerald waters and green hills. In that moment, he felt that fame and fortune could be cast aside, wishing only for time to stand still, allowing him to drift with her on the rivers and lakes, never tiring of each other's company for the rest of their lives.

"Then sing me another song," she continued.

"What would you like to hear?"

"Sing something related to my name."

Related to her name? There were such songs, but... he hesitated. Under her urging, he finally began to sing, "Gazing sorrowfully at life's fleeting scenes, the mournful lingering notes of the precious se. The traveler of Chu, full of sentiment, laments parting, climbing the distant green hills and waters. Watching the withered grass stretch to the horizon, hearing sparse pounding stones in the deep of night..."He still hadn't finished singing, for the second half of this song was even more inauspicious, filled with hidden sentiments of parting. At that time, he was determined to marry Bao Se, believing her character, appearance, and virtue were beyond reproach. They were deeply in love, a perfect match that aligned with all his ideals. He was resolved to pass the imperial examinations and return to welcome her into his home with great honor, so he refused to entertain any thoughts of separation.

Yet, looking back now, it seems the songs "Everlasting Longing" and "Song of the River" he sang that day on the emerald waters became prophecies of their entire lives.