Her residence in Baltimore was one unit in a row of two-story townhouses. After parking her car and getting out, she suddenly noticed someone sitting on the steps in front of her door and immediately halted warily. Baltimore’s public safety was notoriously poor, and long-term residents had developed a basic sense of vigilance. Just as she was about to retreat to her car, the person stood up and said, "Xiao An, it’s me."
Hearing Chinese spoken—and in a familiar voice—left her momentarily disoriented, wondering if the excessive caffeine in her system was playing tricks on her. But then the person stepped into the light, revealing himself to be Gao Xiang.
"What are you doing here?"
He looked her over and countered, "Do you always work such long hours?"
"Being a resident means being famously overworked all year round—there’s no way around it. How long have you been waiting here?"
Gao Xiang glanced at his watch. "I arrived this afternoon, wandered around downtown, and came back. I’ve been sitting here for about two hours."
"Next time, don’t wait outside like this. Either sit in your car or come inside—this neighborhood isn’t exactly safe."
"You live in a not-so-safe area without a second thought, yet you’re the one warning me to be careful."
"The rent here is cheap, and a resident’s salary isn’t exactly high. Let’s go inside and talk."
Gao Xiang followed Zuo Si’an inside. She casually set down her bag and said, "Have a seat."
Gao Xiang looked around. It was an old but well-maintained house, not very large. The first floor served as both a living room and sitting area, with oak flooring, a comfortable dark brown sofa, and a rocking chair. A wooden staircase led to the second floor, while the other side opened into a spacious kitchen that looked impeccably clean.
"Do you live alone?"
"There are two bedrooms upstairs. I used to share the place with another radiology resident, but she became a specialist this year and moved to a hospital in Los Angeles. I haven’t had time to find a new roommate yet. Have you had dinner?"
He shook his head. She went into the kitchen, and he followed. He saw her staring into the open refrigerator with a helpless expression and couldn’t help but chuckle. "I thought I’d at least get to taste a home-cooked meal from you."
"All I have is milk, drinks, fruit, and canned soup—hardly enough to put together a proper meal. Besides, my cooking skills are pretty lacking. Let’s just order takeout. What would you like: pizza, Thai food, or Chinese?"
"None of those sound appealing. But since you listed pizza first, let’s go with that."
Zuo Si’an breathed a sigh of relief and immediately called to order a pizza. After hanging up, she noticed Gao Xiang scrutinizing the overly spotless kitchen and felt compelled to explain, "I usually eat all my meals at the hospital, so I don’t have much time to cook. What would you like to drink?"
"What are my options?"
She glanced around uncertainly and said, "Coffee, milk, black tea, juice, or water."
"Coffee, then."
She brewed him a cup and said, "Make yourself at home. When the pizza arrives, could you please handle it? I’ve left the money on the table. I’ve been at the hospital for almost 40 hours straight and really need to take a shower."The hospital had changing rooms and showers, but Zuo Si'an usually insisted on going home to bathe. Upstairs in the bathroom, she normally preferred soaking in the tub, slowly relaxing her weary, aching body. But today, with Gao Xiang waiting downstairs, she had no choice but to take a quick shower. After blow-drying her hair, she put on her usual at-home T-shirt and pants and went downstairs.
Gao Xiang was sitting on the living room sofa flipping through a magazine, casually remarking, "This house has a strong doctor's vibe. The kitchen is spotless, as if it's never been used. The magazines are all medical journals. But I don't see any trace of a fiancé."
She froze, then couldn't help but smile wryly. "Do you think I made up a fiancé?"
"If it's convenient, introduce us. Maybe this time I can finally be free and stop worrying about you completely."
Zuo Si'an was speechless, momentarily at a loss for words. After an awkward pause, the doorbell rang. She grabbed some money and went to answer it, but instead of the usual teenage pizza delivery boy, standing outside was a man in a suit and tie: her ex-fiancé Fred.
She was utterly surprised. "Why didn't you call first?"
Fred, 32 years old, tall and well-built with thick brown hair and gray eyes, was quite handsome. He sighed. "Ann, you haven't been responding to my messages."
"I'm sorry. I just got back from vacation and had a huge backlog of work. I went straight back to work without even adjusting to the time difference. I've been so busy I haven't had time to listen to all my messages. What's up?"
"Can I come in?"
"Of course."
Zuo Si'an introduced Gao Xiang and Fred, simply stating their names. The two men shook hands, both looking somewhat puzzled. Fred clearly hadn't expected her to have a visitor at this hour, and Gao Xiang certainly hadn't anticipated that his teasing remark would immediately be followed by a man ringing her doorbell.
The atmosphere in the room grew slightly awkward. Just then, the doorbell rang again. Zuo Si'an went to answer it, and this time it was the pizza delivery. She paid, brought the box back to the living room, and asked Fred, "Would you like to join us?"
Fred shook his head. Gao Xiang stood up. "I have something to attend to. I should get going."
Before Zuo Si'an could say anything, he walked straight out the door.
Fred shrugged. "Seems like I've picked the wrong time again."
His phrase "wrong time" usually referred specifically to those periods after Zuo Si'an had pulled consecutive shifts at the hospital, when she was physically and mentally exhausted, had no desire to date, and just wanted to go home and collapse into bed. But now, of course, it carried a double meaning. She gave a strained smile. "It's nothing."
"You usually work overtime all the time. Why did you take such a long vacation this time?"
"I just hadn't been back to visit in a long time. Are you here to pick up your things? I've sorted them all out. They're in that cabinet below."
"Ann, I've been calling you repeatedly and drove an hour from Washington. Of course I'm not here just to pick up two sets of clothes and a few books. I've missed you."
Zuo Si'an was taken aback for a moment, then said gently, "Fred, I'm touched. It feels nice to be missed by an ex-boyfriend. Thank you."
Fred studied her carefully and shook his head. "You heartless woman. You're not touched at all; you're just feeling awkward. I can never date a doctor again.""I'm not as cold-blooded as you think. Fred, your proposal to me was the most romantic moment I've experienced in these past few years, and I will never forget it."
Mentioning that proposal made both of them smile, yet also feel somewhat sentimental.
Since starting university, Zuo Si'an had lived an ascetic lifestyle. In addition to her major, she took pre-med courses. After graduating from university, she was admitted to Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine with outstanding grades and plunged headfirst into her studies. By the time she graduated from medical school four years later and began her residency, she was already 27 years old. Even Yu Jia, who had always supported her ambitions and career focus, began reminding her not to neglect her personal life.
Many of her classmates had pursued other careers after college before deciding to study medicine, with some even holding doctoral degrees in other fields and being much older than her. The issues faced by residents varied: some were married, struggling to find time to maintain their marriages while supporting their families on modest salaries; some were in serious relationships but frequently encountered emotional crises due to lack of time to nurture their puppy love; others chose to relieve stress through adult dating—a euphemism for brief encounters that quickly led to bed.
Her problem was that she wasn't ready to start a serious relationship, nor did she have any physical restlessness requiring a casual relationship to soothe.
As a medical student, she was well aware that her choice to study medicine—and subsequently select the most arduous and lengthy specialty of Neurosurgery—was actually a way to suppress and escape her personal emotional needs, filling all lonely moments with extensive professional training. This psychological state wasn't normal.
Near the end of her first year as a Resident, she met Fred during morning outpatient clinic when he came for a medical appointment. He began pursuing her, but she didn't agree to date him, and he eventually took the hint and retreated.
During her second year of residency, the work became increasingly challenging. The head of Neurosurgery suddenly called her in for a talk, bluntly reminding her that while he admired her dedication and focus, she was too tightly wound and set excessively high standards for herself, which would hinder her progress in this field.
At the time, she didn't fully grasp this advice. It wasn't until one exhausted and lonely night when she woke again from a nightmare, thought of Gao Xiang, and burst into tears that she clearly realized she wouldn't survive such high-intensity professional training without adjusting her mindset.
She stopped working continuous overtime shifts, consciously made friends, and participated in colleagues' leisure activities after work. During her rare breaks, she went for walks at the Inner Harbor, where she encountered Fred again. This time, their conversation was much more relaxed, and he asked her out once more.
By the age of 29, even if she dismissed her mother's concerns about her "personal life," she felt it was time to start attempting an emotional life. Hesitantly, she accepted the date. He was a lawyer, equally busy as doctors, and faced with her indecisiveness, he displayed remarkable patience and tenderness, eventually winning her over.They had only been officially together for three months when he received a job opportunity in Washington D.C. They ended up living in separate cities. Although the two cities were only an hour's drive apart, for two people with equally demanding jobs, this distance made their already limited dates even harder to schedule. After more than a month without seeing each other, she merely thought wistfully that such an unceremonious breakup could be considered a natural end to their relationship.
But she never expected him to suddenly propose to her at the hospital.
At the time, she had just finished another consecutive shift and was walking out of the operating room, exhausted, when she was surprised to see him appear. He took out a ring, knelt on one knee, and asked, "Will you marry me, darling?"
She had never imagined herself in such a dramatic scenario. Stunned, she had no idea how to react. Her bewilderment was mistaken for overwhelming joy, and almost without realizing what was happening, she found the ring slipped onto her finger. Yet, looking at his affectionate face, her heart suddenly softened, and she nodded unconsciously before falling into his embrace.
The romantic scene immediately drew applause from the doctors, nurses, and patients present.
This proposal saved their precarious relationship, but only temporarily.
Maintaining a relationship requires effort, and distance and time remained issues.
More importantly, Zuo Si'an was completely uncertain about whether she wanted to get married at this point in her life. Becoming a professional neurosurgeon was an arduous and lengthy process. She still had four years left to complete all the required residency training, after which she planned to apply for a two-year specialized research position at a prestigious university-affiliated hospital. She needed to determine her focus within the field of neurosurgery, pass the board examination, and become a specialist.
Having a steady partner, she privately believed, was beneficial for her well-being. But when it came to marriage, too many issues were involved. Her hesitation did not escape Fred's notice, and within just two months, they had already had several arguments, a far cry from the harmony they had shared before their engagement.
When discussing future plans, they were even more unable to reach an agreement. Fred pointed out sharply that even though he had mustered the courage to propose and she had accepted, she still hadn't included him in her life plans. She had to admit he was right—the life he envisioned was something she couldn't accommodate for a long time. Fred, deeply hurt, left in a rage.
A few days later, she called his apartment, intending to reconcile, but a woman answered. Startled, she said she had dialed the wrong number and hung up, not intending to demand an explanation. When he called back later, she said, "Perhaps it's better if we break off the engagement."
After a long silence, he agreed to the breakup, ending with a wistful remark: "I love you, but I always feel you keep a distance between us."
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