"I know, I know. My suggestion is not to have a falling out with your daughter, otherwise she'll only rush faster in the direction you don't like."
"I can't just stand by and do nothing, watching her make mistakes and get hurt."
"Some hurts are probably the price of growing up, unavoidable."
"But some hurts come at too high a cost, one nobody can afford." Yu Jia's face darkened instantly, and Peter had to raise his hand in a gesture of retraction: "That's not what I meant, but come to think of it, New York is a fantastic international metropolis. Public safety has improved in recent years. If you ask young people in Portland, I bet most of them would love to go there. It's perfectly normal for Xiao An to want to go to New York. Of course, the public universities in New York City aren't particularly strong academically, but their business programs are decent. Maybe if you go to New York to check out the schools, you'll change your mind."
Yu Jia couldn't explain to Peter in detail what it would mean if she allowed Zuo Si'an to be with Gao Xiang, but his words somewhat reminded her, and she suddenly made up her mind.
On Christmas Eve, after dinner, Yu Jia went to her daughter's room and calmly said to Zuo Si'an, "Tomorrow, let's go to New York together."
Zuo Si'an was stunned: "What for?"
"Peter's ex-wife and children live in New York, and he wants to visit them. Since you want to study at a university in New York, let's go together. It won't hurt to get a clear picture of the environment you'll be facing. It won't hurt to see what you're getting into."
Zuo Si'an knew her mother never wasted time on pointless matters. Her willingness to visit the schools seemed to indicate a softening of her stance, so of course she was happy: "Then I'll call Gao Xiang."
"No need. I've said I don't approve of you being with him, and I don't want to be disturbed by him. You can contact him after we've finished looking."
The next day, they set off, first driving to Boston, then taking a long-distance bus to New York. They arrived in New York at four in the afternoon. Peter went to see his children, and they agreed to meet at the booked hotel that evening.
Yu Jia took Zuo Si'an on the subway. Zuo Si'an studied the route map: "Wait, Mom, the schools aren't in this direction."
"I know. I'm taking you somewhere else first."
From the moment they left, Yu Jia had been expressionless. Zuo Si'an had felt a vague unease in her heart, and now her anxiety grew: "Where are we really going?"
"NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital."
"Why are we going to the hospital?"
"I told you, to show you clearly the environment you'll be facing."
"I'm not going."
Just then, the subway pulled into a station. Zuo Si'an tried to get off, but Yu Jia grabbed her arm and said in a low, clear voice, "You have the courage to stubbornly insist on taking the path you want, but not the courage to open your eyes and see what's waiting for you ahead?"
She froze, turning to look at her mother. As usual, Yu Jia's eyes were firm and unyielding. Under that gaze, all her cowardice and hesitation seemed trivial. She said nothing more and followed Yu Jia in silence all the way, getting off at their stop and arriving at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.Yu Jia inquired with the nurse and then stopped outside a hospital room, standing before the floor-to-ceiling glass door. She motioned for Zuo En'an to look inside. Gao Xiang was sitting on a sofa on one side of the room reading a newspaper, while on the bed lay a middle-aged woman and a young boy, both seemingly asleep.
Zuo Si'an stared fixedly at the scene, unable to look away or speak.
Yu Jia said softly, "You've met his mother; I don't need to say much. The little boy sleeping beside her is the child you gave birth to back then."
As if struck by lightning, Zuo Si'an shuddered and turned to leave, but Yu Jia stopped her. "You can't be like your father, avoiding reality you don't want to face by turning and running away."
She looked at her mother in agony, unable to speak.
"That child has congenital heart disease. Gao Xiang brought him to New York for surgery. He never mentioned it to you, and of course, I could have kept quiet too, but that doesn't mean they don't exist."
"Stop."
"Self-deception is pointless, Xiao An. Even if the child returns to China after the surgery, and Gao Xiang's mother goes back with him, leaving Gao Xiang here alone, do you think you'll only have to face him? His grandfather is someone's father, his mother is someone's sister, and that child shares half of someone's blood—these people are all his family. He may love you, but do you really think you're more important to him than they are? Would he cut ties with them for you? Are you truly mentally prepared to face all this?"
Zuo Si'an couldn't answer the barrage of questions. Subconsciously, she turned to look into the room again. At that moment, Gao Xiang put down his newspaper, stood up, turned off the hanging TV, and covered his mother and the little boy with a blanket. He took out his phone, checked the time, and inadvertently looked up, his eyes meeting Zuo Si'an's outside the room. Stunned, he immediately walked out.
In his urgency, Gao Xiang grabbed Zuo Si'an to pull her away from the room and whispered angrily, "Why are you here?"
Zuo Si'an was distraught and couldn't speak. Yu Jia said calmly, "Let go of my daughter. I brought her here; she had no idea what she would see."
Only then did Gao Xiang notice Zuo Si'an's pale face and vacant eyes. His heart ached with both pity and anger. "Teacher Yu, how could you do this? My son just came out of the ICU and can't handle any stress. Your daughter also..."
"Don't worry, I don't plan to cause a scene. I just wanted Xiao An to see clearly what she has to face."
He turned to Zuo Si'an. "Xiao An—"
Hearing him call her, she snapped out of her daze as if struck hard. She looked at Yu Jia, then at Gao Xiang. As he started to speak, she broke free from his grip and shook her head. "I don't want to hear anything. Let me have some quiet time alone."
She abruptly turned and ran. Gao Xiang and Yu Jia were taken aback and quickly chased after her, but she had already dashed into an elevator, and the doors closed behind her. They had to wait for another elevator. By the time they reached the first floor, Zuo Si'an had vanished without a trace.
Gao Xiang glared at Yu Jia. "Please think about it—where would Xiao An go?"
Yu Jia fell silent; it was a question she couldn't answer.
"Does she have her phone with her?"Yu Jia shook her head. Gao Xiang’s heart sank. Having stayed in New York for nearly three months, he knew all too well that the New York subway was the world’s largest and most intricate public transportation system, with over 20 lines transporting more than four million people across the five boroughs every day. Trying to find someone in it was like searching for a needle in a haystack. Almost the only thing they could do was wait for Zuo En’an to return on her own.
“Ms. Yu, do you realize how cruel you’re being to your daughter?”
“Is hiding everything from her any kinder?” Yu Jia retorted. “If you truly cared about her, you shouldn’t have reappeared in her life to disrupt it.”
Gao Xiang was furious. “I never intended to keep it from her forever. I just wanted Xiao An to gradually come to terms with these things.”
Yu Jia’s expression darkened. “I’m afraid there are some things she’ll never be able to accept.”
“She just needs time.”
“How much time in a person’s life is worth wasting on something so utterly meaningless?”
“What exactly do you define as meaning? Meaning isn’t limited to making the same choices as you,” Gao Xiang snapped angrily. “Ms. Yu, don’t impose your worldview on your daughter’s life. Is it really so hard for you to give her the right to choose and respect her decisions?”
“Making a choice requires understanding the consequences. I brought her here so she could see that clearly.”
Gao Xiang knew that, in some ways, Yu Jia was even more stubborn and harder to persuade than his own mother. He didn’t want to argue pointlessly anymore. Gritting his teeth, he thought for a moment and said, “Forget it. Let’s not fight. We should focus on how to find her.”
“Where can we even look? Her English is fine, and she knows which hotel we booked. She’ll come back once she calms down.”
Gao Xiang wasn’t as optimistic but had no choice. He wrote down his phone number for Yu Jia and noted the hotel she had booked. “Please notify me immediately if there’s any news.”
7
Zuo Si’an rushed out of NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital in one breath, completely unsure where to go in this unfamiliar, sprawling city.
She wandered aimlessly, her mind filled with the image of the child she had seen through the hospital room window. Of course, she had always known of the child’s existence. The last time she had accidentally seen the child at Gao Xiang’s home, she had been able to look away immediately. But this time, she stood there frozen, unable to control herself, seeing everything with painful clarity.
Her body had once been violently breached. A small life had taken root inside her against her will, gradually taking shape, growing, stretching her abdomen, weakly yet insistently extending its limbs, only to be removed and grow up—into the child she had seen in the hospital today.
She even suspected that the image had been seared onto her retinas, never to fade away on its own. Despairingly, she thought that perhaps she could never erase that face from her memory. It might even invade her dreams, becoming part of the nightmares that would haunt her forever.Before she knew it, Zuo Si'an found herself in Central Park. Despite the cold winter and the Christmas season, this famous park in the heart of Manhattan was far from deserted. Some people in thin athletic wear were jogging along the running paths for exercise, others were leisurely walking their dogs, and the ice rink was crowded with skaters. The excited laughter and shouts of children carried far into the distance. The park was larger than she had imagined. She wandered aimlessly until exhaustion set in, feeling the chill in the air. She bought a cup of hot coffee and rested on a bench beside a small lake.
Half of the lake surface was frozen, appearing desolate and empty. Suddenly, she remembered The Catcher in the Rye she had read last semester, where Holden, a New York high school student, wondered where the wild ducks went when the Central Park lake froze over. Did Holden ever find the answer in the end?
She desperately tried to recall the relevant passages and plot from the book, forcing herself to shift her attention and dispel the dark, painful memories surging within her. But her efforts proved futile. In her dazed state, she seemed to return to that small bedroom in the dormitory of Qinggang County—the walls closing in like a prison cell, making it hard to breathe. Just then, a rustling sound beside her broke her reverie. She turned to see a squirrel hopping across the withered yellow grass, clearly paying her no mind. Jolted back to reality, she realized dusk was gradually falling, the light around her dimming, and the coffee in her hand had long gone cold.
Despite her gloomy mood, she knew it was unwise to linger alone in Central Park after dark. She stood up, found a signpost, studied it for a moment, and then made her way back to the city avenue.
She continued to wander aimlessly, paying no attention to direction or street signs, yet found herself in the increasingly bustling Upper Manhattan. Here, skyscrapers stood tall, glittering lights adorned the streets, and shop windows were exquisitely decorated. The roads were filled with a constant stream of traffic, and pedestrians of various skin tones and accents crossed the streets in bustling crowds—a stark contrast to the quiet small town where Zuo En'an had lived for over two years. Unable to adjust to such noise and commotion, she spotted an inconspicuous subway entrance and walked in. After buying a ticket, she boarded a train that had just arrived.
The subway stopped at station after station, passengers getting on and off. When a seat freed up, she sat down. After what felt like an eternity, the train emerged above ground, crossing a large bridge, and she finally snapped back to awareness, realizing she had left Manhattan. Still, she didn't care where this line was headed. After all, the New York subway operated on a flat fare—it didn't matter where it went; she could always ride back if needed. She simply didn't want to return to the hotel and face her mother.
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