So what? She returned to her room, sprawled out on the bed in a starfish position, subconsciously grabbing the small cloth bear by her pillow. Staring at the ceiling, tears still trickled down from the corners of her eyes.
Her heart felt hollow and empty. Suddenly, she remembered the cesarean she had undergone: lying flat just like this, powerless against everything, numb, unable to feel any pain, yet clearly aware of her body being cut open by a sharp knife, of a part connected to her by flesh and blood being precisely severed and removed.
This association nearly drove her to collapse.
Once she made the decision, Zuo Si'an regained the calmness that both comforted and unnerved Yu Jia.
However, Yu Jia had no time to dwell on it. After repeated communication with overseas institutions, she successfully received an offer, but that was only the beginning. The process of handling the procedures to go abroad was exceptionally complex, with tedious documents and materials to prepare, consuming all her energy.
When Yu Jia explained these things to Zuo Si'an, the latter listened half-heartedly. Only when her mother mentioned that Zuo Xuejun needed to provide a written document consenting to her accompanying her mother to the United States did she focus her attention: "Is this notarization absolutely necessary?"
"It's required for the visa application. Besides, even though your father and I have reached an agreement that you'll live with me, I can't just take you away without a word. That wouldn't be reasonable either."
Zuo Si'an thought, even if her father had escaped to such a distant place, he still couldn't escape the torment of paperwork. She wondered if, when providing such a document, he would feel the same dull ache in his heart as she did. Perhaps not. Maybe he, like Gao Xiang, believed this was better for her.
Yu Jia asked her, "I'm going to call him now. Do you want to be here and say a few words to him?"
"What could I possibly say? No need."
Zuo Si'an returned to her room. Besides attending school, she also had to go to English training classes. Yu Jia had arranged a schedule for her and personally checked her progress in English.
For some reason, she felt an indescribable weariness, as if she were back on the Tibetan plateau two years ago, sitting in an off-road vehicle on the road to Shiquanhe Town. The thin air made every breath feel incomplete. Apart from the vehicle of her companions ahead, there were no other cars in sight. The road stretched endlessly toward the horizon, with vast, desolate surroundings showing no signs of life. Everyone was simultaneously overwhelmed by an all-encompassing physical and mental exhaustion, and no one felt like talking.
But now, she was the only one trapped in this feeling, powerless to free herself, with nowhere to turn for help, making the loneliness especially hard to bear.
Just then, Yu Jia suddenly poked her head in and called out to her: "Xiao An, come take a phone call."
Without turning her head, she replied irritably, "I already said I have nothing to say."
"It's not your dad. It's a boy."
She had no choice but to go out and answer the phone. To her surprise, it was Xu Weiming calling. She hadn't given him her number, so she was momentarily startled.
"I'm across the street from your house right now."
"How did you know where I live?"
"If you want to know something badly enough, you'll find out," he replied with a bit of a roguish tone. "Zuo Si'an, come downstairs. I'll take you to see a movie."
"Then let's go for a drive and eat some lamb skewers instead."
She hesitated for a moment, but then thought, why not?
"Wait for me a few minutes."After hanging up the phone, she said to Yu Jia, "I want to go out for a while and will be back in two hours. Is that okay?"
"Who is he?"
"A boy in his second year of high school at Huining Middle School."
Yu Jia looked thoughtful but, to her surprise, didn't press further and nodded. "Alright, be back on time."
Zuo Si'an went out and found Xu Weiming wearing a white T-shirt, his skin tanned a healthy brown, pushing a bicycle as he stood in front of a small shop across from her house. "Hey, you're so punctual—you actually came down in just three minutes. You know, even if you'd kept me waiting for 30 minutes, I would've waited."
"What's the point of that?"
"Don't tell me you question the meaning of everything. Sometimes, it's the meaningless things that make us happy."
She had to admit he had a point. "I don't have a bicycle at home. How about we just take a walk?"
He swung his long leg over the bike and patted the rear seat. "Hop on. I'm perfectly fine carrying someone."
Zuo Si'an hesitated, but he was a man of action and didn't give her time to think, pedaling off. She had no choice but to lightly jump onto the back seat.
Tall and long-legged, Xu Weiming rode the bike swiftly. Instead of taking the main road, he wove through winding streets and alleys, ringing the bell from time to time and deftly dodging pedestrians.
Summer had just arrived. The sun slanted westward, the temperature not yet uncomfortably high, and a refreshing breeze brushed against their faces.
"Did you know who else was waiting downstairs at your house earlier?"
"Who?"
"That famously studious nerd from your school."
Zuo Si'an hadn't expected Liu Guanchao to come again and was momentarily speechless.
"He got there before me, just standing there in a daze. Who knows how long he'd been there? After I called, I told him you'd be down soon and asked if he wanted to hang out. He glared at me like he wanted to punch me," Xu Weiming clearly found it amusing. "I was waiting for him to make a move, but he just turned and left. How boring."
"Don't provoke him."
"Hmph, I have no interest in dealing with that kind of dullard."
After riding for nearly 30 minutes, they reached the riverside. Xu Weiming parked the bike, and the two walked onto the riverbank. The area still retained its natural landscape: undulating sandy shores, reeds half a person tall, and willow trees along the embankment, twisted into strange shapes from annual flooding. A moored pontoon boat was mottled with rust. They sat on the thick iron chains connecting the pontoon to the anchor. The sun slowly sank, staining half the sky crimson with twilight. A diesel-powered sand dredger chugged noisily, passing slowly before them. In the distance, a flat stretch of sand was crowded with people drawing water, their laughter and chatter carried softly and indistinctly by the river wind.
Suddenly, Xu Weiming shook the chain forcefully, then grabbed Zuo Si'an just as she nearly lost her balance and fell, laughing triumphantly. She said irritably, "Could you not be so childish?"
"And could you not be so serious?"
"I'm not being serious, Xu Weiming. I'm just a dull and boring person."
"But I think you're interesting."
"Is that why you came to find me?"
"It's been several days since the holiday started. Why haven't you come to watch me play basketball again?"
"You already have enough fans to form a cheer squad. Why do you need me to watch?"Xu Weiming sighed with a mix of sincerity and jest, "Ah, this is the only thing about me that attracts you, and you're already tired of it so quickly. How heartbreaking."
Zuo Si'an turned to look at him. He was tilting his head, staring at her with bright eyes, a faint smile on his handsome face. She also sighed, "Xu Weiming, if you keep this up, you'll charm many girls."
"But I can't charm you."
"Expecting to sweep everyone off their feet is just wishful thinking—it'll actually lower your score."
Xu Weiming laughed heartily, "Do you know what gives you extra points, Zuo Si'an?"
"Probably the fact that I'm not charmed by you."
He shook his head, "See how shallow you think I am? Let me give you a more profound answer: it's because you seem to have a story."
She froze for a moment, then smiled bitterly, "I don't even know what version of my so-called story has been circulating to attract someone like you."
"No, I'm not talking about those boring rumors. It's the impression you give me."
She replied gently and frankly, "Without those rumors, I'm just an introverted, quiet girl. You wouldn't have given me a second glance."
Xu Weiming rubbed his nose, "Now that you put it that way, I'm not so sure either."
"So there's no need to imagine me as mysterious."
"But you really are mysterious. That bookworm seems to be head over heels for you—in terms of obsession, I can't compete. And then there was that person who picked you up in the park last time, who seemed both sophisticated and mature. Maybe I'm just destined to be cannon fodder in your life."
Zuo Si'an was taken aback, then turned away and laughed, "I never thought I'd have the honor of being imagined as a heartthrob by a guy who's a heartthrob himself."
Xu Weiming grinned at her, "See, this is another admirable quality—you have a sense of humor and zero narcissism."
"With you saying things like that, it's hard not to become a little narcissistic."
Both of them couldn't help but burst into laughter simultaneously. Zuo Si'an hadn't laughed so freely in a long time, but the pain in her heart quickly surged up, gradually filling her laughter with bitterness. She raised her hand to cover her face, refusing to speak for a while.
When she finally calmed down, she noticed Xu Weiming watching her thoughtfully, "It's that person you like, isn't it?"
Even when her mother had pressed her, she hadn't confessed. This was a secret in her heart, and she had no intention of sharing it with anyone. But at this moment, she was too exhausted to deny it, "He doesn't like me. He just feels some sense of responsibility toward me. My feelings probably make him uncomfortable."
"Then try to forget him. Don't waste your time on him."
She had to admit it was good advice, but it meant nothing to her. She could only smile bitterly, "At least for now, I can't do it, Xu Weiming. See, I really am a very dull person. I've never charmed anyone, and I'm not capable of being carefree. You must be disappointed in me, right?"
"No, maybe you've just experienced feelings I haven't yet. I still like you." He gently swayed the chain, making the two of them rock back and forth slightly, "No need to worry about me anymore. Everyone should trust their own feelings. If one day I feel it's just impossible to make you like me, I'll give up."Zuo Si’an thought that a lively young man’s fleeting impression, the silly words spoken while sitting idly by the riverbank on a summer evening at seventeen or eighteen, were hardly worth serious discussion, so she said nothing more. Just then, the distant ferryboat sounded a long, drawn-out whistle. They both turned their gaze to the vast river, where the lingering glow of the sunset grew increasingly vivid, dyeing the murky yellow water into a shimmering, restless gold.
“So beautiful. Whether you’re my girlfriend or not, you’ll always remember watching the sunset with me by the river.”
She couldn’t help but say, “I’ve seen more beautiful sunsets—in Ngari, Tibet.”
He shot her a dissatisfied look. “The sunset isn’t the point.”
Of course, who you’re with is the point.
Zuo Si’an clearly remembered every moment with Gao Xiang, and she also remembered how, when she said she wanted to stay with him, he stepped back, his expression conflicted, and said, “You don’t know what being together really means.”
Being together, she thought—could there be different interpretations of such a simple phrase?
The river breeze, carrying a faint fishy scent, blew toward them. Waves lapped rhythmically against the muddy shore, and the vast, unceasing flow of the river stretched into the distance, eventually merging with the sea. Amid her tangled thoughts, one idea surfaced: they could no longer be together. She was going to a distant foreign country on the other side of the world. Would she eventually forget him? Would the vivid feelings etched in her mind be carried away by time, like the river’s current, never to be recovered?
Chapter 14
After two days of treatment at the Chengdu hospital, the intracranial bleeding in Zuo Xuejun had been largely cleared. His consciousness and language abilities had partially recovered, though movement in his left limbs remained impaired. The doctors assured them that with continued rehabilitation therapy and massage, further improvement was expected.
What the doctor announced next, however, was this: given his physical condition, it was absolutely inadvisable for him to return to the high-altitude region.
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