"Then what can you consider him? A boyfriend? After the incident during the Spring Festival, he never showed up again, which proves even he knows it's wrong for him to get close to you. You're still young, but he's already 25, has had girlfriends before, and fully understands what relationships between men and women should be like."
Zuo Si'an turned her head away in pain, her hands tightly clenched together.
"That's right, he's been very good to you, and for that I'm grateful. I don't doubt his character either, but he's definitely not right for you. You just turned 17, you'll meet different people in the future, experience a broader world. Only then will you understand what you truly want."
"And then when I'm 40, realize that what I wanted before wasn't precious after all, and just abandon it when it's time to give up? Because there's always a brighter life ahead and someone more captivating waiting for me?"
Even when Zuo Si'an used to be sarcastic, it was always gentle and restrained. This was the first time she had been so sharp. Yu Jia was left speechless. After a moment, she said helplessly, "I don't blame you, Xiao An. You need to grow up enough to understand the complexity of emotions. Just look at Gao Xiang and Sun Ruodi - they were in love for four years, yet they broke up. What he feels for you is just pity and guilt. He wants to make up for the mistake Qin Qi made..."
"It's not like what you're saying."
"Xiao An, don't deceive yourself. There might be some element of love in his feelings for you, but it's vastly different from real love."
This was something Zuo Si'an couldn't refute: "I never thought about being with him, but... I just..." She couldn't continue.
"I understand, Xiao An. The future is still too distant for you, and you can't think too specifically about matters of the heart. You just can't bear to leave like this. But have you considered why your father was so furious when he found you together? Why does his mother see you as a thorn in her side? Not to mention, I originally thought his family would stay in Qinggang with that... child, but now we all live in the same city. Staying would be a burden to him too. Why force him to make choices you can't accept?"
Zuo Si'an stared blankly at her mother.
"Even if you can't understand my decision now, I must take you to America to start over."
In her confusion and uncertainty, Zuo Si'an called Gao Xiang. He seemed very cold and refused to see her. After hanging up, she thought that perhaps her mother wasn't entirely wrong.
But the embrace and kiss before the Spring Festival lingered like a brand, making her restless with an uncontrollable longing.
Finding a secluded corner in the park, Zuo Si'an held Gao Xiang tightly, feeling his arms tighten around her and his solid chest. A thought suddenly rose in her heart: she didn't care whether his concern for her came from guilt or not - she needed this embrace. Recklessly, she stood on her toes again and kissed his lips, completely without finesse. He leaned his head back, pushing her away slightly as he spoke to her, but she couldn't hear anything clearly. There seemed to be a low roaring in her ears, and she could only look at him in confusion. Suddenly, he pushed her back against a metasequoia tree and began to kiss her. This kiss stole her breath and what little consciousness remained.When she regained full consciousness, she realized the warmth of his body had already withdrawn from her. The metasequoia tree behind her had a hard, straight texture, sunlight filtering through to cast shifting dappled patterns, small birds continued their incessant chirping on the branches, and leaves rustled in the wind.
Gao Xiang stood several steps away, appearing exceptionally distant. She was suddenly seized by an inexplicable fear, shrinking into herself as she stared blankly at Gao Xiang.
"I don't want to go to America. I want to stay..." Regarding her future life, she had no concrete plans - her only thought was to remain in this city. Yet any hope, once spoken aloud, lost the conviction it had while hidden in her heart, suddenly transforming into a delusion even she couldn't convince herself of.
Gao Xiang still maintained a careful distance from her: "Xiao An, I'll talk with your mother to see what she thinks."
She murmured: "My thoughts have never mattered, have they?"
"No, Xiao An. But you're not yet an adult. Your mother is your guardian - she has the right to make arrangements for your life."
"I want to be with you."
Gao Xiang struggled with his inner turmoil, shaking his head painfully: "You don't understand at all what being together means."
"I do understand."
"Xiao An, I can't keep treating you like a child the way I used to."
"I'm already seventeen, not a little kid anymore."
"But you're not an adult either. If I were to abuse your trust in me, I could never forgive myself."
"I'll be starting eleventh grade soon. In just two more years, I can go to college. By that time..." She paused, her pale face flushing crimson. Collecting herself, she saw an unusual light flicker in Gao Xiang's eyes, his expression too complex for her to decipher. Not allowing herself to overthink, she threw herself into his embrace again, repeating, "I don't want to go to America, Gao Xiang."
The next morning, Gao Xiang called Yu Jia, arranging to meet at a café near her home.
Yu Jia sighed: "Gao Xiang, I suppose Xiao An has already spoken with you. Even if you hadn't come to me, I would have come to you. I hope you can persuade Xiao An to go abroad with me."
"But Xiao An doesn't seem to want to go abroad."
"We're both adults, Gao Xiang - no need to beat around the bush. You know as well as I do why Xiao An wants to stay."
Gao Xiang had nothing to say.
"Xiao An developing feelings for you isn't your fault. Her father is distant from her, and I've failed as a mother - I've never communicated enough with her. Repeatedly turning to you for help has made you practically the only person she trusts."
"Teacher Yu, you don't need to blame yourself. Feelings are never one-sided - I admit I have feelings for Xiao An too."
"But there are many kinds of feelings. Can you be certain about the nature of yours?"
Gao Xiang remained silent.
"Xiao An is still young. She has no concept of romantic love - what she identifies as feelings might be completely different from yours. She also can't possibly understand what a relationship without future prospects, one that won't receive anyone's recognition or blessings, truly means. You're different - you're an adult. If you allow her to continue like this, then I won't be able to forgive you."
He said with difficulty: "Teacher Yu, I won't take advantage of your daughter.""I never doubted that about you, Gao Xiang."
"Xiao An is indeed still young and quite fragile. Do you really think taking her abroad to cope with a foreign environment, possibly even facing your remarriage, would be better for her?"
"I've considered all of that. That's why when Peter proposed to me and wanted me to settle abroad, I didn't agree. Instead, I chose to apply for a postdoctoral position and go abroad relying on my own abilities. When it comes to my daughter's future and my career, no decision is easy. I must be honest with you—Xiao An is the biggest reason I made up my mind. Two months ago, one night, I was working late at home on a project report. At three in the morning, I heard Xiao An screaming. I rushed to her room—she was just having a nightmare, her expression pained, clutching tightly the little cloth bear she always keeps by her bed, her forehead covered in cold sweat..." Yu Jia's voice faltered, and it took her a moment to regain her composure. "Normally, I sleep very soundly. This was the first time I saw her have a nightmare. I woke her up and asked her what she dreamed, hoping that talking about it would make her feel better. But she refused to say anything."
Gao Xiang held his breath. He thought he knew what was haunting Zuo Si'an's dreams.
"After that, I paid closer attention. She goes to bed very late every day and rarely sleeps soundly or peacefully—she's in a state of chronic insomnia. She won't talk about her nightmares, nor will she voluntarily mention the gossip about her at school from her classmates. I always thought she had become stronger, that we had already gotten through the hardest times. But I'm realizing more and more that I was wrong. What happened to her is something even her father and I struggle to face. Adding rumors on top of that—it's just too cruel for a child to endure."
She's been enduring it alone for years now, Gao Xiang thought painfully. He hadn't been able to offer her much help either.
"No matter how much I disagree with her father's actions, I have to admit that, in this regard, he might be right. Xiao An's grades have plummeted, and she has no energy for anything. If she continues to give up on herself like this, she'll be ruined. Taking her abroad, changing her environment, and leaving the past behind forever—that might be the right choice."
"But she doesn't see it that way."
"I know. She's overly sensitive and even thinks Peter is the main reason I want to go abroad. If I force her to come with me, she might resent me for now, but as a mother, I can't worry about that. I hope you can persuade her to come to the United States with me."
"Teacher Yu, if I were to persuade Xiao An like that, it would feel like giving up on her to her. I'm afraid she couldn't handle such a blow."
"Gao Xiang, are you unwilling to see Xiao An hurt, or are you unwilling to let go of her dependence on you?"
Faced with this sharp question, Gao Xiang couldn't answer and could only say, "I won't influence Xiao An's thoughts."
"You know as well as I do that you can't forever play the role of a father in her life, nor can you have any other kind of relationship with her. I appreciate your consistent care for Xiao An and believe you wouldn't want to stand in the way of her starting a new life."Gao Xiang drove Yu Jia home, then parked the car at a secluded roadside not far ahead and continued smoking one cigarette after another. From last night until now, he had smoked nearly two packs. He knew very well that for someone like him with little nicotine addiction, this sudden, intense and sustained craving was merely a physiological response to his inner anxiety and unease. Like the lingering smoke surrounding him, the scenes from yesterday afternoon in Zhongshan Park were incessantly replaying in his mind.
Zuo Si'an might not have a clear understanding of what was happening, but Gao Xiang was fully aware. His desires had accumulated imperceptibly, far more complex and urgent than a simple embrace or an intimate kiss. A voice in his head warned him that if this continued, there would be no turning back. With what little rationality remained, he forced himself to let go of her and step away, trying to calm down.
Zuo Si'an stood motionless against a metasequoia tree, looking up at the sky. Sunlight filtered through the leaves, casting a warm glow on her face. Her features had completely shed the ambiguous, uncertain lines of childhood, now bearing the delicate contours of a young girl. Yet, she was clearly in a state of panic; her body, which had been soft and pliant in his arms moments before, was now tense.
Yes, she had never been able to escape her nightmares. Even on such an overly bright early summer day, the rats lurking in the darkness were always watching her. Apart from sending her to Ali, he had stayed in the same city but with many reservations, seeing her only a handful of times each year. The help he could offer was limited and couldn't drive away her inner demons. Despite her fragility, she had clearly expressed her desire to stay in this city—a bravery that completely caught him off guard. He was struck by the passion radiating from her face. He never considered himself a coward, but at that moment, he found himself unable to voice the longing in his heart. Even though she was no longer a little girl whose proximity to an adult man would provoke inappropriate thoughts, he couldn't allow himself to respond to her feelings.
His love for her had, at some point, become so complex and inexpressible, reaching a degree he couldn't accept or confront. He had to exert great effort to restrain himself from seeing her. The moment he saw her, the moment he held her, the layers of defenses he had built in his mind crumbled like sand dunes under a rapid tide.
"I want to be with you"—this phrase haunted him relentlessly.
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