"If I understand correctly, you're saying you didn't actually make any mistake."
"Yet, I don't feel relieved at all. Since medical school, I've heard professors say that as a clinical surgeon, you'll inevitably face the moment when a patient dies before your eyes. But I never expected the impact to be greater than I imagined."
Gao Xiang never imagined she had returned home to visit family while facing a professional crisis: "Witnessing death indeed brings pressure. You need to relax."
"I can't relax, and I've started doubting my judgment. I had to tell the department head I need time to adjust before returning to surgery. Never thought..." She glanced toward the hospital room, "I'd have to operate on my own father."
"Xiao An, you're not planning to give up your medical career because of this, are you?"
"Of course not. All my rigorous training was to practice medicine independently."
He looked at her: "When I took my son to New York for surgery years ago, the chief surgeon was an authority in cardiac surgery. While discussing the procedure, he said something that left a deep impression on me. He said surgery is a science, but even more an art—the process is where a doctor's professional accumulation and clinical judgment undergo chemical reaction. I don't understand medicine, but I grasped his emphasis that both judgment and confidence are indispensable for doctors. You yourself said you've performed many complex surgeries, so don't doubt your extensive training and judgment capabilities because of this."
Zuo Si'an remained silent, yet he could see from her eyes that she remained deeply conflicted.
"Xiao An, my son underwent three open-heart surgeries between birth and age four."
She froze, her face contorting slightly: "Why are you telling me this?"
"I signed the consent forms for each operation. Of course, the experience as a patient's relative differs from being the surgeon. I just want you to know I understand the tremendous pressure when a loved one's life hangs in uncertainty. I also know all doctors try to avoid operating on immediate family members. You have a choice, Xiao An. You don't have to perform this surgery."
"If we delay Dad's condition, there might be no immediate life threat, but he'd definitely miss the optimal surgical window. I can't let him take that risk."
"Since you've made the decision, under these circumstances, you're first and foremost a doctor. He's your father, but more importantly, he's a patient needing your treatment. Xiao An, I believe in you."
His gaze remained steady, his hand holding hers warm and firm. Gradually calming under his look, she nodded, stood up, and approached Shi Wei.
"Aunt Shi, I need to explain the potential risks of the surgery."
After some time, Gao Xiang watched Zuo Si'an. She seemed to have fully transitioned into her professional role—from body language to facial expression, all traces of her earlier hesitation had vanished. She appeared gentle, composed, and thoroughly professional. This was the same natural composure she'd displayed days earlier in Liu Wan, which had immediately convinced both him and Aunt Mei. Now, standing before her, Shi Wei listened attentively, no longer panicked.However, witnessing the transformation of that once overly sensitive and introverted girl filled Gao Xiang with an inexplicable melancholy.
Zuo Si'an entered the operating room, and they waited outside. Zuo Siqi had long fallen asleep on the bench. Shi Wei took off her coat and draped it over her, staring blankly ahead. Gao Xiang comforted her, "Don’t worry. Xiao An said Secretary Zuo’s condition isn’t serious."
Shi Wei turned to him, tears glistening in her eyes. "I’m a terrible wife. I’ve been arguing with him constantly lately and completely failed to notice his poor health."
"Secretary Zuo has lived on the plateau for years and has a history of heart disease. No one could have predicted this. If you blame yourself, Xiao An will blame herself even more—after all, her father collapsed while talking to her."
"No, no, Xuejun’s health issues have been going on for a long time. This is absolutely not her fault. I can’t even imagine what would have happened if she hadn’t been there."
"Right, no one is to blame, Shi Wei. Remember that. Let’s just wait patiently for the surgery to end."
The surgery concluded forty minutes later. Zuo Si'an emerged, looking exhausted, and gave a slight nod. Only then did Shi Wei’s anxiety ease, and she rushed over to embrace her.
The next day, accompanied by medical staff, Zuo Xuejun was transferred by plane to Chengdu, with his family following. After examinations, it was confirmed that the drainage of his intracranial hematoma was stable, he was largely out of danger, and he had regained consciousness. Shi Wei decided to stay and care for him, entrusting Zuo Si'an to take Zuo Siqi to a nearby hotel to book a room and rest. But Zuo Siqi immediately refused, "No, I want to stay with you and keep Dad company."
"Xiao An, then you and Gao Xiang go rest for a while."
Zuo Siqi had been curiously studying Gao Xiang and suddenly said, "Uncle, I’ve seen you before—in my mom’s photo album."
Gao Xiang was slightly surprised and nodded with a smile. "Yes, I came to Ali once with your mom and your sister."
"Mm, there were lots of people in the photos—my sister, and a bald uncle who had a funny crooked smile. He came to our house later too."
Shi Wei explained, "She’s talking about Lao Zhang. Lao Zhang is now a famous hardcore traveler in our circle. He came back to Ali three years ago, still as witty and cheerful as ever."
Zuo Siqi continued, "Oh, and there was a pretty aunt with long hair. Mom said she was your girlfriend."Not wanting the child to press further about the pretty aunt’s whereabouts, Gao Xiang smiled and asked, 'In your mom’s album, is there a photo of her standing on an off-road vehicle?""
Zuo Siqi nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes! Her hair was blowing in the wind, like she was about to fly. She looked so spirited and beautiful. How did you know?"
"I took that photo for your mom."
"Really? I always ask Mom why she can’t be like that all the time. She says she has me now, and my wings aren’t fully grown yet. She thinks flying alone would be too lonely, so she’d rather hold my hand and walk with me."Shi Wei smiled and shook his head: "Xiao Qi is a complete chatterbox. When she has nothing to do, she loves flipping through my photo albums. She can come up with a million questions from just looking at a single photo. If I directly said I'm old and can't fly anymore, she wouldn't accept it. She insists on a complete answer that satisfies her before she'll let it go. You two should leave, otherwise she might keep you talking endlessly."
After leaving the hospital, Zuo Si'an said to Gao Xiang: "I plan to wait until my father is completely out of danger before returning. You can go back to Hanjiang first. Don't worry, I definitely won't go to Hanjiang again."
Gao Xiang frowned at her: "Do you think I came here just to monitor you, and won't rest until I escort you onto a flight back to America?"
She said uneasily: "No, but you have your work. There's no need for you to stay here long."
"These matters are for me to handle. You don't need to worry about them."
His attitude had suddenly turned cold and rigid compared to his gentleness in Shiquanhe Town, appearing unwilling to communicate with her any further. She had no choice but to stop speaking. The two walked to the hotel across from the hospital, booked two rooms, and went to their respective rooms. Though utterly exhausted, she still had to gather her energy to call the hospital administration to discuss taking leave, then call to change her flight ticket. After handling all this, she took a shower, collapsed onto the bed, but couldn't fall asleep immediately.
She couldn't help but recall that 15 years ago, after returning from visiting her father in Tibet, she had also been waiting in Chengdu for a connecting flight, staying at a hotel near the airport. Gao Xiang's room had been next to hers then too. That time, she had been heartbroken by her father's attitude and cried uncontrollably in his arms.
Zuo Si'an was now 30 years old. Fifteen years was equivalent to half her lifetime.
She suddenly realized that he had been by her side during almost every moment she couldn't face. Was this coincidence, or some strange arrangement of fate?
She thought she would never be able to figure out the answer.
Chapter 13: 1999, Hanjiang
The leadership of the High School Affiliated to Normal University didn't know how to handle Zuo Si'an's thorny situation.
The school had detailed and strict regulations, with punishments ranging from warnings and demerits to expulsion for serious offenses. However, Zuo Si'an hadn't violated any of the school rules. According to what the school understood, she was merely a victim. The fact that a 14-year-old high school student had given birth was too shocking in a major city, making all the adults uncomfortable. They preferred to sigh privately rather than discuss it formally.
After repeated deliberation, the school decided to take a low-key approach to the matter. They only summoned the most actively gossiping students to the academic affairs office for stern warnings, while notifying all homeroom teachers to remind students to focus on their studies and not believe unfounded rumors.The new semester began, and after the winter break, the gossip about Zuo Si'an at school shifted from open, frequent discussions to hushed whispers. Though no longer as noisy, it persisted. Almost all the teachers avoided looking directly at her, and none called on her to answer questions. The parent of her deskmate even approached the homeroom teacher, strongly demanding that their daughter be moved to another seat. Her classmates' attitudes toward her became polarized: most regarded her as an oddity, keeping their distance as much as possible. Even Liu Guanchao began avoiding her—no longer accompanying her to the cafeteria or seeing her to the bus stop after school, and even detouring around her when they crossed paths at school. Meanwhile, other classmates who had never interacted with her before started finding various reasons to approach her.
She knew Liu Guanchao's parents had always disapproved of him getting too close to her, so while his reaction saddened her somewhat, she didn't intend to blame him. The sudden friendliness from unfamiliar classmates initially surprised her. It was only after Wang Wanyi pointed it out that she understood: in the story fabricated and spread by Liu Yaqin, she was portrayed as a rebellious girl who had defied conventions and experienced a full-fledged romance early on, rather than the pitiful victim of a rape case. In this key school, some of her peers, in the throes of adolescent restlessness, had developed an inexplicable admiration and worship for her.
Being isolated was painful, and the attention born of misunderstanding offered no comfort. Yet, in a way, she felt she had gained a kind of liberation she never sought. Without clinging to hope, there was no longer the fear of gains and losses, but she also lost the force that had kept her gentle and quiet. Despair, self-loathing, and anger tangled like weeds in her heart, growing at a pace she couldn't control. She could no longer present herself as a well-behaved girl, and she certainly had no desire to exhaust herself pretending to be like her peers.
The High School Affiliated to Normal University had an intense academic schedule and frequent exams. Any student falling behind became evident after just a few weeks of tests. Instead of speaking directly to Zuo Si'an as she would with other students, the homeroom teacher once again called in Yu Jia.
Yu Jia had no choice but to fully accept the teacher's criticism, promising to have a serious talk with her daughter and urge her to refocus on her studies. But how to approach such a conversation, Yu Jia had no idea.
She had always excelled in her studies and work, viewing good grades as a given. It had never occurred to her that her daughter might struggle in this area. Yet, she also knew her daughter was no longer the same. When Zuo Xuejun bid farewell and returned to Ali, Zuo Si'an showed no trace of sorrow or reluctance, merely uttering a bland "goodbye" without even seeing him off downstairs.
Yu Jia had never approved of her daughter's excessive attachment and defense of her father in the past, but such a drastic change worried her deeply. Countless times, she had tried to communicate with her daughter. Zuo Si'an wasn't any ruder than before, but she was utterly indifferent, unwilling to engage with any topic. After a few perfunctory replies, she would shut herself in her room. Today was no exception.
Yu Jia had no choice but to block her path: "Your recent exam scores have dropped significantly. Why not take out the test papers? Let's analyze where the problems lie."Zuo Si'an saw no way to escape, so she had no choice but to sit down on the sofa and said gloomily, "There's no need to analyze it. I know the reason—I haven't been paying enough attention in class."
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