She stared at her reflection in the mirror as if looking at a stranger.
It happened shortly after the winter break ended earlier this year, during the new semester. Zuo Si'an suddenly felt abdominal pain at school and found it difficult to concentrate. Thinking she had eaten something bad, she returned home and fell into a dazed sleep on her bed. When Zuo Xuejun came home and called her for dinner, she discovered a patch of dark red bloodstains on the bedsheet. Horrified, she screamed for her father. Zuo Xuejun rushed in, immediately looked embarrassed, stammered, "I'll have your mother explain this to you," and quickly retreated.
Kneeling on the bed, she felt utterly lost. Then she heard her father's voice from the living room on the phone, unusually agitated compared to his usual gentle demeanor.
"The school here never offered any physiology and hygiene courses. How am I supposed to explain this to our daughter?"
"You're being too careless as a mother."
"When did you ever talk to her about it? She wasn't prepared at all."
"Everyone around here knows me. How can I go buy that?"
Only then did she remember that during her first year of junior high at the Provincial Normal University Affiliated Middle School, her mother Yu Jia had indeed talked to her about the "little secret of girls" she might encounter. But Yu Jia had spoken so vaguely that she only half-understood. When she curiously pressed for details, Yu Jia evaded the questions, saying she would understand when the time came. Developing later than most, nearly a year passed without any of the "physical changes" her mother had described, so she had almost forgotten about it.
She got up, changed her clothes, pressed her still aching abdomen, and stared blankly at the soiled bedsheet, unsure what to do. Then Zuo Xuejun came in, placed a black plastic bag containing sanitary pads on her bedside table, told her to answer Yu Jia's call, and unusually adopted an evasive stance by claiming he was going downstairs to buy cigarettes before hurriedly leaving.
Yu Jia told her daughter not to panic—this was a cyclical physiological phenomenon that would occur at regular monthly intervals. She instructed her to change sanitary pads according to the instructions, maintain personal hygiene, keep warm, avoid cold foods, preferably skip PE classes, refrain from strenuous exercise, and use a hot water bottle for warmth if the pain was severe. Finally, she added, "Xiao An, don't touch cold water these days. Have Aunt Wang discreetly wash your underwear and bedsheets for you. From now on, buy sanitary pads yourself. There's no need to ask your father about these matters—just call me directly."
In truth, even without her mother's reminder, she had already sensed from her father's unfamiliar attitude that her development was a taboo subject for him. She could no longer instinctively turn to him for discussion whenever she encountered a problem, as she had in the past.
Sure enough, Zuo Xuejun never mentioned the incident again and began maintaining a slight distance from his daughter. One day, as he sat on the sofa reading the newspaper, she squeezed in as usual, climbing into his lap to read with him. But he promptly moved her to sit beside him instead, saying somewhat awkwardly, "Xiao An, you've grown up now. You can't sit improperly like you used to."
Deeply hurt, she protested angrily, "I'm only in eighth grade. How can you say I've grown up?"Zuo Xuejun didn't know whether to laugh or cry. He stroked her hair and said, "I really wish you could remain a little girl forever, so I could keep holding you and take you wherever I go."
She immediately threw herself into his arms, wrapping her arms around his neck and swaying coquettishly. "Of course I'm still young. You have to take me wherever you go. You're not allowed to leave me alone."
Around the same time the following month, Zuo Si'an was on high alert, having made preparations in advance, but nothing happened. Puzzled, she called her mother for advice. Yu Jia was in a meeting and stepped out of the conference room to tell her not to make a fuss: "You've just started developing. It's normal for your first period to be irregular."
She grumbled gloomily, "What a hassle. What if it suddenly comes during class? It would be so embarrassing if I stained my clothes. Why do girls have to go through this? I wish it would never come."
"It's a physiological phenomenon. There's no point complaining about it. Think of the positive aspects—you'll grow taller, and your chest will develop."
Zuo Si'an was eager to grow taller, but the mention of chest development made her shake her head in horror. "No, I don't want that. In our class, Chen Tingting's chest shakes so much when she runs. It looks awful, and everyone laughs at her. She always wears an oversized school uniform and walks with hunched shoulders, almost like she's becoming hunchbacked."
Yu Jia was taken aback and couldn't help but burst out laughing at her daughter's words. "Oh, your father was just lamenting that you've grown up and are no longer a child. But look at you—still so childish. Alright, I need to get back to the meeting. I'll talk to you later."
It was almost two and a half months before Zuo Si'an had her second period, and it never settled into the 28-day cycle her mother had mentioned. She deeply disliked this chaotic signal that supposedly signified growing up. When no one was home, she curiously took off her shirt to check if there were any signs of development. The conclusion satisfied her: her body was no longer completely flat, but it only had slight curves—nothing as noticeable as her classmate Chen Tingting's.
However, she never imagined that just a few months later, she would carry a burden far heavier than a developing chest.
The afternoon of that June 1st uncontrollably surfaced in Zuo Si'an's mind.
Qinggang Middle School, which was usually extremely strict about academics, had given the eighth-grade students a half-day holiday to enjoy their last Children's Day. Zuo Xuejun had gone to the countryside to guide drought relief efforts. Liu Guanchao, as usual, came over to do homework with Zuo Si'an. Suddenly, his older sister Liu Yaqin, who was studying at a nursing school, called and said she would take them to see a Hong Kong comedy movie at a workers' club near a chemical factory on the outskirts of the county. The two children had just finished their homework and were idle, so they excitedly set off. When they met Liu Yaqin at the back gate of the nursing school, she suddenly remembered she needed to take her clothes and bedding home and asked her brother to go with her to fetch them, instructing Zuo Si'an to wait outside for them.The nursing school was located in a remote area on the outskirts of the county town, and the back gate was exceptionally quiet. Zuo Si'an sat idly under the shade of a tree by the roadside, weaving a bracelet from blades of grass. Her fingers were stained a faint green from the grass stems' sap, and the fresh, grassy scent, along with the clear June weather and bright sunshine, made her feel quite happy. Suddenly, a brand-new black Mercedes-Benz sped over and stopped right in front of her.
After that, Zuo Si'an's memories became chaotic and blurred. When she regained consciousness, she found herself lying in the grass by the roadside, her clothes torn and barely covering her. Liu Yaqin was half-kneeling beside her, shaking her desperately, while Liu Guanchao stood frozen nearby, his face deathly pale. The sunlight was so bright it hurt her eyes, and as the numbness faded, a sharp pain surged through her body. She burst into tears with a loud "wah," but Liu Yaqin quickly covered her mouth and whispered urgently, "Don't cry out! If people find out about this, even your father will lose face."
Liu Yaqin then dressed her in her own clothes and, together with Liu Guanchao, took her home. She instructed Zuo Si'an to bathe and change, tended to her injuries, and even stayed with her overnight in place of her mother, Wang Yujiao.
Zuo Si'an was in a state of shock and confusion, unable to comprehend what had happened. Liu Yaqin's incessant chatter only deepened her fear and disorientation.
"This kind of thing is shameful. I had a classmate who went through this, and afterward, no one at school would talk to her. Her parents nearly kicked her out of the house."
"Don't tell anyone. I'll make sure Xiao Chao doesn't say anything either. Let's just pretend nothing happened."
"It's nothing. The pain will be gone by tomorrow."
"What's over is over."
"You must never say that I told Xiao Chao to take you to the movies. Otherwise, my father would beat Xiao Chao and me to death, and your father would disown you too."
She had witnessed Liu Guanchao and his sister being beaten by their father—a man who usually seemed quiet and honest but could suddenly turn violent, which frightened and bewildered her. But what terrified her more was the thought of her own father rejecting her or being ashamed of her. All she could do was nod in agreement.
She remained silent until her father returned from the countryside three days later.
Yet the overwhelming fear, sharp pain, nameless shame, feeling of impurity, and utter helplessness all transformed into nightmares that haunted her the moment she closed her eyes. The secret weighed on her heart like a massive stone, making it hard to breathe. She dared not recall how it had happened, could not meet her father's eyes, and had no way to discuss the strange changes in her body with her mother, who was away in the north for short-term training. She just wanted to forget everything, telling herself to treat it like the time she fell off her bike two years ago and needed stitches on her head.
But the stranger in the mirror reminded Zuo Si'an how wishful her thinking had been.
Her once small chest had suddenly swollen, and her abdomen protruded and bulged. Her skin was stretched thin, faintly revealing bluish veins beneath. Hesitantly, she raised a trembling hand and touched it. Suddenly, there was a slow but unmistakable movement beneath her palm. Startled, she pressed down hard without thinking, but the movement didn't stop—it grew more pronounced. A small, kicking force pushed back against her hand.This was not the first fetal movement she had felt, but none had been as intense as this one. She loathed this signal from within her body that defied her will; she loathed the ugly reflection in the mirror—her swollen chest and belly, disheveled hair, and pallid face. She abruptly raised her hand and pushed the full-length mirror over. With a dull thud, the wooden frame hit the floor, and the glass shattered crisply, the sound piercingly sharp in the quiet night.
Jingjing, who lived in the back side room, was startled awake and cried out fearfully, "Mom, Mom, what happened?"
She stood there dazedly, unable to move. Just then, Gao Xiang rushed in, grabbed a down jacket, and hastily wrapped it around her. Half-dragging, half-carrying her, he pulled her out of the left side room while loudly reassuring Jingjing, "It's nothing, don't be scared, Jingjing. Your mom hasn't come back from her house call yet, so she asked me to lock the door for you. I accidentally knocked over the mirror. Go back to sleep, it's fine."
Jingjing let out an "oh" and settled back to sleep, reassured.
Zuo Si'an instinctively struggled to break free from his grasp, but he didn't let go. Instead, he whispered, "Don't be afraid either. I mean no harm. I pulled you out because I was worried the broken glass might hurt you."
She didn't respond, staring blankly at him as if he were a stranger she had never seen before.
Her dazed state alarmed Gao Xiang. He led her back to her room and asked, "Do... do you want some water?"
She remained silent. As soon as he released her, the down jacket slipped down. He quickly pulled it back up for her, fumbling in his haste. Suddenly, she shook off his hand and said, "Get out."
Gao Xiang awkwardly retreated to the doorway. "Xiao An, I know you're not in a good mood, but it's already been eight months. Time passes quickly..."
He stopped mid-sentence. He noticed that Zuo Si'an's pale face bore eyes strikingly similar to her father's—not particularly large, but with long, upturned lashes, clear and distinct in their black and white contrast, perfectly curved. Under normal circumstances, they would have seemed to carry a hint of a smile even when she wasn't laughing. But now, they were filled with sorrow, bloodshot, and her pupils were unnaturally dilated. Just as he had been at a loss for words in the face of Zuo Xuejun's rage and pain, he found himself with nothing to comfort this girl.
She suddenly spoke, "Time does pass quickly—so quickly that I can't even remember how this happened. I don't understand what's inside my belly or why I'm here. This must be an illusion, a nightmare. All I need to do is wake myself up. Once I wake up, my belly will flatten again, my parents will be back together, and I can return to school... But this dream just won't end..."
"It will end, Xiao An. I promise you, all of this will pass. No one will disturb your life after this."
She stared at him, then abruptly shrugged off the down jacket draped over her shoulders. Cupping her still-exposed belly with both hands, she said, "What guarantee can you give me? Take this thing out of me right now. Isn't this all you want? Fine, take it. I can't stand it anymore."Oh dear, if you find 52 Book Repository quite nice, remember to bookmark the URL https:https://www.52shuku.net/ or recommend it to friends~ Please (>.<) Portal: Ranking List | Book Search Guide | Green Shirt Falling
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