Yu Jia had to catch the return bus and couldn't stay long. Persuaded by Aunt Mei, she only sat for a while before taking her leave. Listening to Aunt Mei seeing her mother out, Zuo Si'an felt an emptiness in her heart, staring blankly out the window in a daze. She thought that perhaps her father would never love her as dearly as before. This thought had long lurked in her heart, now climbing up desperately, making her want to cry bitterly. Yet her chest felt heavy, her eyes sore, and she couldn't shed a tear.
Aunt Mei came in and placed a bowl of sweet osmanthus fermented glutinous rice on the table before her. Lowering her head, the steam from the rice moistened her eyes, and finally, a teardrop fell into the steaming bowl.
"Your mother won't blame you. Parents can never truly blame their children; they blame themselves more."
Aunt Mei didn't press for reasons or scold her for her rudeness. Such understanding made Zuo Si'an feel even worse. Of course, she knew her mother wouldn't blame her, but what good did that do? Everything seemed to have derailed onto a wrong track, irreparable, with no chance to start over. At this thought, her tears flowed uncontrollably.
Aunt Mei moved the bowl away, embraced her, and gently rubbed her back. The embrace was warm, faintly carrying the sweet fragrance of osmanthus. She had never been a child lacking care, yet for the past six months, she had been distant from normal affection. Stiff for a moment, her body, tense from silent sobbing, relaxed, and she pressed her head closer to Aunt Mei.
Author's note: I dare not claim my writing is light and cheerful to mislead readers. There are even more heart-wrenching plots ahead—please decide for yourself whether to continue reading...
☆、16
IV
By the weekend, Gao Xiang drove again from the provincial capital to Liu Wan. He was somewhat concerned about Zuo Si'an's state, but he thought that a 14-year-old girl in such circumstances acting normally, chatting and laughing freely, would actually be abnormal. Given his position, regular visits alone might startle her; expressing concern would likely only add to her distress.
Winter had arrived. After the first cold wave, the weather was unusually clear and sunny for several days, the sun warming like a late autumn day. The courtyard gate was open, and from outside, he saw Zuo Si'an sitting by the large osmanthus tree, basking in the sun. Jingjing sat beside her, with a small table in front holding books and homework. But the little girl was clearly not focused on her studies, saying something before biting her pen and leaning on Zuo Si'an's shoulder, laughing heartily. Zuo Si'an didn't laugh, but her face, bathed in sunlight, no longer looked as gloomy as when she stayed indoors for long periods, and her expression was no longer blank.
Gao Xiang walked over. Zuo Si'an ignored him as usual, while Jingjing greeted him. He handed her the large bag of magazines and books he had bought—the only gifts Aunt Mei allowed her to accept. She said happily, "Many classmates borrow books from me now. I plan to donate them to the school library after reading."
"If you want to donate to the school, I'll bring more books next time."
"Thank you, Uncle Gao."
As Gao Xiang walked inside, he could still hear Jingjing's continuous giggles. He thought that having such a lively girl as company should be greatly beneficial for Zuo Si'an. He greeted Aunt Mei, who had just returned from a house call and was organizing her medicine kit."How is her physical condition, Aunt Mei?"
"She eats too little, I'm afraid she won't get enough nutrition. Also, her ankles are a bit swollen."
Gao Xiang looked stunned. Aunt Mei explained, "Swelling during pregnancy is normal. But if the swelling suddenly worsens and weight increases rapidly, we need to watch out for possible toxemia of pregnancy."
"Does she need to go to the hospital now?"
"No need. I've already reduced the salt in her meals and asked her to control her water intake. It shouldn't be a big problem."
"That puts my mind at ease."
However, Aunt Mei shook her head. "This child carries heavy worries. Her mother visits almost every week, but she barely speaks to her. Each time she asks why her father doesn't come. Her mother says he's been very busy with work recently and has no time. I don't understand - the mother works in the provincial capital, busy with a research project, yet she makes time to transfer between two long-distance buses to come here. The father works right here in Qinggang but doesn't visit. Every time her mother leaves, she stays silent for a long time. Though she doesn't say anything, she must be hurting inside."
He couldn't begin to guess how complicated the family situation might be, and couldn't help feeling sympathetic. Just then, Jingjing's clear voice came from outside, "Brother Xiao Chao, you're back."
Gao Xiang and Aunt Mei went out to see Liu Guanchao, Zuo Si'an's thin classmate, standing at the door with a tall, old 28-inch bicycle, his schoolbag on his back, talking to two girls. Aunt Mei exclaimed in surprise, "Xiao Chao, why are you back?"
Liu Guanchao propped up his bicycle, wiping sweat from his forehead, and said quietly, "Auntie, I brought Xiao An her schoolwork."
"You naughty boy, you must have sneaked back without telling your parents."
He muttered, "Don't tell my dad, or he'll beat me again."
"Never mind him beating you - riding a bicycle over forty kilometers, your bottom must be rubbed raw." Aunt Mei reached into the back of his collar, both angry and concerned. "Come in quickly and change your clothes, be careful not to catch a cold."
"No need to change, I'll just sweat through them again on the ride back." Liu Guanchao hurriedly took books from his bag and handed them to Zuo Si'an. "I brought all the notes. Write down anything you don't understand, and I'll explain it next time I come."
Zuo Si'an stared at him blankly without speaking.
"These are the weekly practice tests and monthly exam papers. I got an extra set from the teacher. After I leave, try doing them."
Zuo Si'an remained silent.
"Don't worry, I'll tutor you. You'll definitely catch up next semester, and we can both test into Qinggang High School."
She gave a bleak smile and finally spoke: "Don't be silly. I won't be returning to Qinggang Middle School."
"How can that be?" Liu Guanchao grew anxious. "If you don't even finish middle school, what will you do later?"
Aunt Mei patted his shoulder. "Xiao Chao, Xiao An's mother has already arranged for her to return to the provincial capital and continue ninth grade at the High School Affiliated to Normal University. That's also a very good school."
Liu Guanchao was stunned. After a moment, he said stubbornly, "No matter where you study, I still have to tutor you."
Zuo Si'an lowered her head and said nothing more.After Liu Guanchao finished tutoring Zuo Si’an, Gao Xiang suggested he put his bicycle in the trunk and offered him a ride back to Qinggang. Liu Guanchao shook his head and declined. Aunt Mei glared at him, “What’s with this stubbornness? Xiao Chao, let Uncle Gao take you back. Otherwise, I’ll tell your dad, and you won’t be able to sneak back here again.”
Liu Guanchao said nothing more and sat in the back seat of the car. As Gao Xiang drove out of the village and onto the main road, he asked, “Is Zuo Si’an’s father still living there?”
He received no reply. Surprised, he glanced in the rearview mirror and noticed Liu Guanchao staring at him warily. Gao Xiang couldn’t help but feel a little helpless, “Do you think I’m a bad person too?”
Liu Guanchao clearly took it as a given.
“I mean no harm. I just want to talk to her father…”
“Don’t disturb Uncle Zuo. He wouldn’t want to see anyone from your family again.”
Gao Xiang had to admit that in the eyes of children like Zuo Si’an and Liu Guanchao, the world was black and white—he could never be seen as a good person. Moreover, Liu Guanchao wasn’t entirely wrong. No matter his intentions, his presence would be an intrusion to any member of the Zuo family.
As soon as they returned to Qinggang County, Liu Guanchao asked to get out of the car. Gao Xiang pulled over, “I go to Liu Wan every week. I’ll give you my phone number. If you want to go too, ask your parents for permission and call me. I’ll take you there.”
Liu Guanchao shook his head, “No need.” Without even saying goodbye, he hopped on his bicycle and sped away.
Gao Xiang felt helpless, but he couldn’t help admiring the thin boy’s resilience and principles.
Work and these visits occupied nearly all of Gao Xiang’s time. The only explanation he could give his girlfriend was that his uncle had passed away unexpectedly, and he needed to spend weekends in Qinggang with his grandfather. He could see that Sun Ruodi was full of doubt and unease, hesitating to speak her mind, but he couldn’t reassure her. He could only think that once all this was over, life would return to normal.
Except for Zuo Si’an.
He immediately realized that, at the very least, this girl’s life could never fully return to normal.
The thought weighed heavily on him.
☆、17
Four
When Zuo Si’an was seven months pregnant, Gao Xiang handed over his work to his father, Gao Ming, and moved to Liu Wan.
The houses of the two Liu brothers stood side by side. The younger brother had moved to the city with his children, leaving his house vacant. Aunt Mei helped clean it up and arranged for Gao Xiang to stay there.
Liu Wan had no mobile signal or cable TV coverage. The village had only one telephone, and the most frequent user was Aunt Mei. Neighbors from nearby villages often called, either to seek medical advice or to ask her to make a house call.
Winter was the off-season for farming. The villagers led simple, frugal lives but were content and cheerful. They weren’t preoccupied with finding ways to make money. Their common pastimes included playing mahjong, chatting around the stove while cracking sunflower seeds, and crowding into homes with televisions to watch the limited channels available. None of these, of course, were activities Gao Xiang could take part in.Gao Xiang began to experience pure rural life and realized that while he had made ample material preparations, he was psychologically unprepared. His mother had supplied him with sufficient daily necessities, he had brought along hefty books he hadn't had time to read since leaving school, and he carried music CDs. However, after years of living in a noisy city and being accustomed to a busy schedule, he found himself unable to settle down despite having vast stretches of free time at his disposal for the first time—away from the bustling traffic and incessant phone calls. Books grew tiresome, CDs became monotonous, and a ten-minute walk could take him through the entire village. Yet, there were only one or two people to talk to, and every minute felt like a dull repetition of the last. For the first time, he discovered how difficult it was to pass the time.
He volunteered to drive Aunt Mei to a distant village for her medical rounds. As they chatted in the car, Aunt Mei smiled and said, "This is the first time I've enjoyed the luxury of riding in such a nice car to treat patients."
"In this sleety weather, riding a bicycle would be too hard."
"One gets used to it. It must be tough for a city person like you to be stuck here. My son, Guanwen, complains about how boring it is every time he comes back for the New Year, even if it's just for a few days."
"What does he do for work?"
"He didn't get into college after high school, so he had to take a job at an electronics factory in Guangdong. I suspect he'll end up staying in the city. Over the years, young people in every village have been dwindling. I really don't know what will happen to the elderly in the future."
"Aunt Mei, have you ever thought about returning to the city?"
She shook her head. "The city is nice, but my parents have passed away, and my siblings have their own families now. We've grown distant, and occasional visits are enough. No one there needs me, and no hospital would hire someone like me—a self-taught doctor without formal training. I'm used to it here."
Gao Xiang initially regretted his question, fearing it was too intrusive, but seeing Aunt Mei's composed and unaffected demeanor, he felt somewhat relieved.
As for Zuo Si'an, she seemed entirely accustomed to this life. During the day, she mostly stayed alone in the side room reading. If Aunt Mei reminded her not to sit for too long, she would obediently stand up, walk along the quiet path behind the yard for about ten minutes, and then return.
Despite living next door and sharing meals at the same table every day, she acted as if she didn't know Gao Xiang at all—never making eye contact, never joining conversations. If he spoke to her, she would either respond with monosyllables like "Hmm" or "Uh," or simply ignore him as if she hadn't heard. She still ate very little and wore a bulky winter coat that made her exposed face appear sharp and thin, with slender fingers. Like Jingjing, she looked like a child who hadn't yet developed.
Every time he saw her quiet, enduring posture, Gao Xiang felt oppressed. An inner unease made him instinctively avoid being alone with her. He mocked himself inwardly: even if she hadn't treated him as if he were invisible, he wouldn't have been able to treat her with the same ordinary attitude that Aunt Mei and Jingjing did.
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