That night, Liu Yan and A Shui did not return. Fang Pingzhai went to bed early, while Yu Tuan'er sat at the table waiting, waiting until dawn.
At daybreak, only Liu Yan returned alone, leaning on his cane and swaying unsteadily. Yu Tuan'er, bleary-eyed, brightened upon seeing him but quickly grew angry. "Where have you been? Why didn't you come back all night?" Liu Yan ignored her, hobbling inside with his cane. Yu Tuan'er grabbed him. "Why won’t you say anything? Where’s Sister A Shui? What did you do with her?"
"She didn’t want to come back. How could I control her?" Liu Yan said coldly. "Let go!" Yu Tuan'er froze for a moment. Liu Yan’s mood was unusually foul. "What’s wrong? Are you angry? What are you angry about?" Liu Yan roared, "Let go!" He shoved her away violently, nearly losing his own balance. Instinctively, Yu Tuan'er reached out to steady him, but he pushed her away again and limped back to the Elixir chamber.
There was blood on the floor. She stared blankly at the stains. He was hurt—did A Shui hit him? She shook her head hard. Impossible. A Shui would never hit Liu Yan. She was too kind. Seeing Liu Yan shut the Elixir chamber door, she instinctively followed, pushing it open to see what he was doing.
He wasn’t doing anything. He just sat in a chair, staring blankly at the assortment of medicine jars and potions, silent.
She slipped in quietly, hiding behind his chair. Whether Liu Yan truly didn’t notice or simply didn’t care, he remained motionless. She sat down behind his chair, listening carefully for any movement.
But for a long, long time, Liu Yan didn’t say a word or move a finger.
He was like a dead man.
The sky gradually brightened. The strange smells in the Elixir chamber made her head spin. He must feel awful sitting in here all day, right? She didn’t know how much time had passed before her stomach growled loudly. Finally, she couldn’t hold back. "What are you thinking about? Are you hungry? I’m hungry."
Still, he didn’t answer. Yu Tuan'er began talking to herself. "Did you fight with Sister A Shui? Then it must be your fault. Sister A Shui is too good to fight with anyone. If you want her to stay with you, you should treat her well. Who would want to be nice to someone as mean and strange as you? But if you regret it, I can go call her back for you." She nudged his chair like a puppy trying to please its master. "But you have to tell me things from now on."
"Shut up."
Liu Yan’s voice was dark and icy, filled with cold fury. Yu Tuan'er was stunned. She had racked her brains to comfort him, only to be treated like this. Anger flared in her chest, and she shoved his chair over with a sudden force. With a loud thud , Liu Yan fell heavily to the floor. But she immediately regretted it and rushed to help him up.
The wound on his arm had reopened, bleeding again. Yu Tuan'er pressed her sleeve against it. "Hey? Hey?"
Liu Yan pushed her hand away and lay on his back, staring blankly at the ceiling. Unexpectedly, he wasn’t angry about being pushed over. The suffocating gloom inside him seemed to dissipate slightly from the fall, as if the bleeding brought him some twisted satisfaction."Hey?" Yu Tuan'er sat beside him. After he had stared at the ceiling beams for a long time, he suddenly spoke up, "I'm thinking about what method could make the antidote usable by tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that..." Yu Tuan'er touched his forehead, "Then think faster. You saved my life, so making this antidote must be quick too." Liu Yan seemed not to hear her, murmuring, "We need A-Li to mobilize troops as soon as possible, we need the antidote to take effect immediately, I..." He gazed blankly at the ceiling beams, "I don't know what to do."
This was the first time since becoming the notorious "Liu Yan" that he had admitted to someone, "I don't know what to do." This confusion had lingered in his heart for a long time, and voicing it seemed to lift a weight off his shoulders. Yu Tuan'er patted his head, "Is it that hard?"
"Very hard," Liu Yan said gloomily. "Almost impossible. I've concocted many different medicines, but..." He shook his head repeatedly, then clutched it in his hands, "But taking them might drive you mad, or kill you, or turn you into someone without any feelings..." Yu Tuan'er kept stroking his head, "Hey, don't worry. There's always a way." Liu Yan sneered, "What way? Will you test the medicine for me?" Yu Tuan'er widened her eyes, "Huh?" After hesitating for a while, she asked, "If I die, will you be sad?"
Liu Yan turned away, "I don't know." Yu Tuan'er sighed, "But if no one tests the medicine for you, you won't be able to make the antidote, right?" Liu Yan remained silent, his silence an admission.
"Alright, I'll test the medicine for you!" Yu Tuan'er whispered. "Then... then... if I die, you have to remember me." Liu Yan still didn't respond. After a while, he said, "If you die, your mother will be heartbroken." Yu Tuan'er nodded, "But my mother has been dead for a long time."
"Fool," Liu Yan said flatly. He reached out and took her hand, holding it in his palm and rubbing it gently. Yu Tuan'er's palm wasn't particularly delicate; having grown up roughing it in the mountains, though her skin was fair and pretty, it wasn't very soft. He lifted it to examine it. Yu Tuan'er's face suddenly flushed, her palm growing warm. She wanted to pull her hand back but didn't dare—nor could she bring herself to.
After a while, Liu Yan let go of her hand. "I'm hungry."
Yu Tuan'er laughed, "Ah! I'll go find something to eat. You wait here, you wait." She picked Liu Yan up from the floor and placed him back in his chair before happily skipping off.
Liu Yan looked at the medicine bottles on the table. She really was a fool. What was there to admire in a man as hideous, crippled, and ugly as him? To willingly die for him...
His lips curled into a cold smirk. If he boasted to A-Li about this little girl willing to die for him, A-Li would surely go mad with rage. He had tried so hard, yet everyone who loved him feared him—no one truly believed he was good.
A Shui sat alone by the small stream, the icy water reflecting her delicate features. She wasn't thinking about anything, hoping she could continue like this—thinking of nothing—until she knew nothing at all.
The weather was bitterly cold, and the wind had been strong the night before. Frost had formed in her hair, and her lips were blue from the cold, but she didn't notice. She just sat there, staring at the stream.A garment fell onto her shoulders, but she didn’t move. Fang Pingzhai sat down beside her, waving his red fan. "I’ve told you before—this river is shallow. Jumping in would only leave you battered and bruised, neither fatal nor drowning. Sitting here pondering why it’s so shallow, why the heavens didn’t carve it into a deep ravine, why there are no venomous snakes or beasts inside? Those are profound questions, so profound you could think yourself to death and still find no answers. Maybe you’re wondering, if you can’t jump into the river, why doesn’t the sky unleash a blizzard or hail to freeze you to death? That, too, is a profound question, one you could ponder to death without an answer..."
A Shui curled her lips into a faint, habitual smile. "I wasn’t thinking about anything."
"Oh? Truly nothing at all? Then you must be a walking corpse, a zombie, a monster. It’s impossible for a person to think of nothing at all. You’ve simply thought too much and pretended to forget, deceiving yourself." Fang Pingzhai’s feather fan rested on A Shui’s shoulder, the warmth of the feathers making her shiver slightly. "What did my master discuss with you? To leave you looking like this?"
"Nothing." She had seen Fang Pingzhai, and perhaps he wasn’t wrong at all, but when she opened her mouth, all she could do was smile.
"Put on the clothes."
She obediently slipped into the cotton-lined cloak—one of the garments Tang Lici had left behind at Chicken Coop Mountain Manor. He had left everything meticulously, from men’s and women’s clothing to even children’s attire and accessories. The cloak was embroidered with plum blossoms and bamboo, a delicate pattern she favored, in a soft lavender hue she also loved. Once dressed, she stood up, her demeanor no different from usual. Fang Pingzhai rose as well, laughing heartily. "I say—is Tang Lici truly clairvoyant? Look at the shoulder width, waistline, length, and color of this cloak—it’s as if it were tailor-made for you. Or perhaps the woman in his mind, in terms of looks, temperament, figure, and disposition, was exactly like you from the start?"
She smiled again, her gentle expression tinged with deep bewilderment. "Young Master Tang has always been clairvoyant."
"Haha, it’s nearly noon, and I’m hungry. Might Miss A Shui be inclined to showcase her culinary skills once more?"
So Fang Pingzhai had come all this way to find her because there was no one to cook. She lifted a hand to brush her hair, only then realizing frost had formed on it. Her fingers touched the ice, yet she felt no cold. Raising her hand to look, she realized her fingers had long gone numb.
Unbidden, she smiled again. Even frozen like this, why was she still so lucid? Why must life go on? Why wouldn’t death come?
Step by step, she walked back to Chicken Coop Mountain Manor. Yu Tuan’er dashed out the door with a radiant smile, saying she wanted stir-fried dried bamboo shoots with chicken for lunch—she had already caught a plump and tender grouse.
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