Shine on Me

The night breeze rustled my skirt, and it took me a while to find my voice: "Why are you still here?"

When seeing A Fen off, Zhuang Xu and his dorm mates had come too. I hadn’t paid much attention to his whereabouts, but why hadn’t he boarded the bus either?

His eyes flickered slightly. "I was standing behind you. If you couldn’t get on, of course I couldn’t either."

That sounded like an accusation. Recalling my tragic experience of being pushed from the front to the back of the crowd, I felt a little embarrassed. "Sorry."

"You should say thank you."

His voice was soft, but I heard it clearly. Though puzzled, I didn’t dwell on it. "Where are the others?"

"Don’t know." He answered curtly after a pause, sounding almost sulky.

Missing the bus because of me wasn’t that big a crime, was it? I was about to say something casual and part ways when his phone rang.

He took it out, glanced at the flashing name on the screen, and answered.

"Hello."

...

"I didn’t make it on."

The other person was probably asking where he was. Was it Rong Rong calling? As I wondered, I suddenly heard him say, "I’m with Nie Xiguang."

My heart skipped a beat.

His call was nearing its end. After saying "Okay," he hung up.

"Your roommate?" I guessed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been so direct about being with me, right?

He gave me a deep look. "Rong Rong’s."

I was momentarily speechless. After a long pause, I asked, "What did she say?"

"They’ve already boarded the bus. They told us to take a taxi."

"...Then let’s take a taxi."

He nodded.

I patted my pockets and realized sending A Fen to the train station had been a spur-of-the-moment decision—I hadn’t brought any money. Even the bus fare had been given to me by Xiaofeng. Feeling awkward, I admitted, "I didn’t bring any money. Do you have any?"

He looked at me. Perhaps because it was night, his eyes seemed especially deep. After a pause, as if considering whether he had any cash, he said, "I don’t either."

"Huh?" I was dumbfounded. "Then what do we do?"

He glanced at me again, then started walking ahead. "We walk."

I remained rooted to the spot. After walking some distance, he stopped, turned, and looked back at me from afar, silent as ever. I pressed my lips together and followed.

I hadn’t expected that after everything that had happened, we could still walk together on this empty road on such a night.

Just walking, without speaking, yet it left me unsettled. Eventually, I started counting my steps to keep my mind occupied and prevent it from wandering.

When I lost count for the Nth time and started over, Zhuang Xu’s voice suddenly cut through the night breeze, hollow and distant: "You didn’t use my paper."

The moment he spoke, the numbers I’d been silently reciting scattered again. After a pause, I said, "Mm, it wouldn’t have been right."

I thought that would end the conversation, but to my surprise, he pressed stubbornly, "Why wouldn’t it have been right?"

I was at a loss for words. Was I supposed to say it felt wrong because he’d written that paper as an apology to Rong Rong?

"...After all, you wrote it.""Is that so? You wouldn't want what I wrote?" His tone carried a hint of skepticism. "Back in our junior year, when we'd just met, you asked me for reference materials for your major course paper..."

You didn't give them to me that time either, I answered bitterly in my heart. And truth be told, I'd already hastily finished it by then—I just wanted an excuse to talk to you more.

"...Just consider me more principled now."

I really don't want to recall the past. Every little detail seems so foolish now, making me wish I could erase all evidence. Thankfully, only he and I know about them.

But perhaps Rong Rong might know too? When they're together, does he talk about me? Does he share my silly words with her to elicit her laughter or scolding?

This line of thinking is terrifying, bordering on obsessive. I suddenly don't want to walk with him anymore. This quiet night and empty road aren't suitable for two people like us.

I slowed my pace.

"You go ahead," I said. "I can't walk anymore. No need to wait for me."

He stopped and frowned at me. "You... just how spoiled are you?"

...I was just making up an excuse...

His gaze fell on my feet, his tightly knit brows expressing strong disapproval. "Why would you wear shoes like this out? Only caring about looks, not at all..."

He seemed to realize his tone was inappropriate and abruptly stopped.

I looked down at the innocent thin-strapped heels on my feet and couldn't help defending them: "I didn't expect to walk so much today. And these are just normal shoes—they're in style this year. Everyone in our dorm has a similar pair."

And if I remember correctly, wasn't Rong Rong wearing the same kind of thin heels today? Sure enough, when you dislike someone, even their choice of shoes becomes wrong.

"Is that so?" He paused. "I didn't notice."

After a moment of silence, I asked, "Zhuang Xu, do you really disapprove of me that much?"

"Do you think I'm lazy and aimless all the time..."

And spoiled?

I didn't voice the last part—it felt too incongruous with how I saw myself. When I was little and my parents were busy with work, I stayed at my grandma's in the countryside for a long time and got along just fine. At most, I'm a bit out of shape now... Does that really count as being spoiled in his eyes?

"Yes." He answered the first half of my question without hesitation.

...He really never spares my feelings.

I couldn't help saying, "But what's wrong with that? Does everyone need grand ambitions? As long as I'm happy and not bothering anyone, isn't that enough? Why overthink it?"

He listened in silence, saying nothing. He obviously wouldn't agree with me—he's the type who sets goals and absolutely achieves them. I don't know why I'm telling him this. Maybe I just want him to understand that while I might be somewhat undisciplined, it's just my nature. I like living this way, and there's nothing wrong with that.I recalled a recent test Jiang Rui and I had done about eating big or small grapes first. "There's this test that asks whether you'd eat the big grapes or small ones first. I'm probably the type who eats the big ones first. If I finish all the small ones first, I might lose my appetite for the big ones. If I can be happy now, why think so far ahead?"

He said softly, "What if there were never any big grapes?"

"Ah..."

I froze, suddenly remembering his family situation. A pang of sorrow welled up in my heart, and I'd never felt so utterly useless before.

"No, there was one," he suddenly added. "But the only big grape got angry and ran away because of me."

Ran away because of him... Was it Rong Rong? I remembered that during recent gatherings, they hadn't sat together or talked much...

Imagining slender Rong Rong turning into a plump, round grape, I couldn't help but smile despite feeling down. But seeing how serious he looked, I suppressed my laughter and just said, "She'll come back."

"Really?"

Zhuang Xu actually pressed for confirmation, making me feel like my answer mattered. But I wasn't Rong Rong.

Yet his desperate need for reassurance made me nod involuntarily. Maybe he just needed some comfort from someone.

"Really," I said with utmost sincerity.

He didn't respond, but his face broke into a smile, as if suddenly relieved.

I'd never seen Zhuang Xu smile like that before—like mist clearing to reveal the moon. The sight momentarily dazed me, and when I came to, I felt even more despondent.

That smile wasn't for me, and I'd never see it again. Driven by this sudden melancholy, I abruptly called his name, "Zhuang Xu!"

His eyes still held traces of that smile. "What?"

For a moment, I wanted to say something, to make one last effort. But then I remembered—hadn't I already made plenty of "last efforts" before?

Besides, back then I hadn't known he and Rong Rong had feelings for each other. Now that I knew, shouldn't I step back?

"Nothing, just calling your name."

He stared at me unblinkingly, as if demanding I say more.

"Really, just calling your name..."

His eyes seemed to dim with disappointment. I wondered if I'd imagined it, or if he was just finding me annoying.

After a pause, he looked away. "There's a shoe stall a bit further ahead. You should change your shoes."

Would there still be stalls open this late? Not that it mattered.

"I don't have any money," I had to remind him. "You didn't bring any either, right?"

He looked slightly taken aback.

"Let's just keep walking. It's not about the shoes," I said.

We didn't speak much after that, walking at a steady pace back to campus. At the dormitory intersection, I mustered a long-prepared "Goodbye."

Just as I was about to stride off, I heard him say, "I'll walk you to your building."

"No..." I started to refuse, but when I looked up, his expression in the dim light was unexpectedly tender and lingering, so I swallowed my words.That expression shouldn’t be directed at me at this moment, so perhaps he wasn’t here to see me off? Maybe Rong Rong was waiting for him downstairs?

Then why should I delude myself by refusing? So I said nothing and silently walked toward the dorm. As I neared it, I couldn’t help but glance toward the dorm entrance to see if, as I suspected, Rong Rong was waiting there.

The area below was completely empty.

I was a little surprised, but not particularly happy.

I almost wished Rong Rong had been waiting there. That way, I could have gone upstairs cleanly, leaving them both behind, instead of dwelling on the fact that we had a few more minutes alone together.

How pitiful.

And now, I had to say “goodbye” again.

This time, it really was goodbye. There was no extra stretch of road left for him to walk with me.

We stopped simultaneously at the dorm entrance.

For a moment, we stood in silence. I had lost the decisiveness I’d had earlier when saying goodbye. Maybe that kind of strength could only be mustered once.

I stepped onto the stairs but couldn’t resist turning back.

“Zhuang Xu.”

“Hmm?” He hadn’t left yet, standing below the stairs, looking up at me when I called. I had never seen him from this angle before, so I never knew how handsome he looked when slightly tilting his head to gaze at someone.

Driven by inexplicable emotions, I blurted out without thinking, “You look better with shorter hair.”

And best in a white shirt and light blue jeans…

Just like the boy I saw when I heard the doorbell at my uncle’s house and ran to answer it.

“Hello, is this Mr. Jiang’s residence? I’m Zhuang Xu,” the boy asked politely.

Then I stared at you blankly. “Zhuang Xu?”

You replied calmly and composedly, “Yes.”

I froze in sudden realization, as if that moment was replaying before my eyes.

“Anything else?” He actually didn’t sound impatient, asking me with endless patience.

“No.” I lowered my head.

Silence fell between us again. There was truly nothing left to say. I should have gone upstairs, but I couldn’t bear to. Time like this would never come again.

If only the night would never end.

If only the stars would never fade.

If only you could stand here with me forever.

But there were no “if onlys.” There were none left. Today was the end.

Even though it was time to part, my mind was filled with thoughts of eternity, shamelessly standing there without saying goodbye, silent. And he, too, remained silent, standing with me.

But how long could I delay this moment? I took a deep breath and looked at him.

“I’m going up.”

I ran upstairs and watched him from the second-floor window. He was already nearly out of sight. Just before the trees obscured his figure completely, I suddenly couldn’t control myself and shouted his name loudly.

“Zhuang Xu.”

He stopped and turned back.

He was too far away now. I couldn’t see his expression clearly, so surely he couldn’t see mine either.

So I let my tears flow freely, waving at him with all my might.

Goodbye, Zhuang Xu!

I still like you, still like you, but somehow, I suddenly felt at peace.

Just knowing you’ll always be somewhere is enough, Zhuang Xu.

And then, from now on, I won’t like you anymore—free and unburdened.

End of University Arc—That night, we parted ways, one thinking of farewell, the other of the future.