"It couldn't have been more ridiculous than the Christmas holiday I spent back in New York. My friend and I hopped from bar to bar, got dead drunk, got into fights, were hauled to the police station and spent a night locked up with a bunch of drug addicts and pimps—definitely not a pleasant experience." Zuo Si'an stared at him blankly, and he smiled. "Scared?"
Her mind was in turmoil, and she couldn't speak.
"Maybe I should tell you about my life these past years."
"After you left New York, I sent my mother and son back to China, then wandered around New York alone for a long time. After 9/11, the city was tense and not a suitable place to idle around, but I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. During that time, I lived recklessly and decadently. Luckily, that friend stayed with me. After messing around for over four months, my father came and dragged me back to China. At the time, I didn’t know he had already been to New York once before and had met you."
Zuo Si'an remained silent.
"After returning, I assisted my father and started my own small business as originally planned—first as a wine agent, then partnering with friends in venture capital. Oh, and I bought an unprofitable café, planning to keep running it as it was."
Gao Xiang took a sip of coffee and continued, "As for relationships, I never got engaged, but I dated more than one girlfriend. I made it clear to them that I had no interest in marriage or family and didn’t want more children, though I could compensate them in other ways. See, I’ve become a thoroughly mediocre middle-aged man. I suppose that’s what would really scare you, isn’t it?"
She looked somewhat uneasy and said softly, "You really don’t need to tell me all this."
"Right, it’s unremarkable and hardly worth mentioning. I just really wanted to know how you’ve been all these years. But when I look back and summarize my own life, it’s just that I’ve experienced many things, been to many places, and met many people—all summed up in a few simple, plain sentences. How could I expect you to tell me more?"
"Gao Xiang, 11 years is enough to change everything. All I can tell you is that I’m not the person I used to be."
"I know you’re not 14, or 16, or 19. You’re 30 now, fully mature, a doctor accustomed to life and death, with steady hands that can perform surgery. You’ve even become less intensely sensitive to others’ emotions and thoughts than before. But you’re still you."
"No, it’s not as simple as you think."
"Hear me out. I asked my father what exactly he said to you back then that made you leave so resolutely. He told me he simply made you feel that sacrificing your freedom for me would be the ultimate way to fulfill me. But the time I spent with you was the most engaged and authentic life I’ve ever experienced. Your departure didn’t fulfill me. I never needed that kind of sacrifice."Zuo Si'an shook her head painfully. "I must confess, I'm not as noble as you think. Ultimately, I was actually being cowardly. I'm afraid of many things—I'm afraid of being haunted by memories, afraid I don't deserve everything you've done for me, afraid your feelings for me are just pity, afraid I can't give you a happy life, afraid to face your family, and even more afraid to face your potential regret..."
He grasped her hand, stopping her from continuing. "You've already been very brave. The problem lies with me—I haven't been able to give you much reassurance. I hesitated for too long before going to America to find you, and even when we were together, I avoided many things. This is my fault."
"What's the point of us dredging up these old matters? You should return home, let go of everything from the past, find a woman worthy of your love, love her well, and live a good life."
"That's genuinely good advice, but it seems we've both already tried. I nearly married Xiaoyan, and you tried to get engaged to that man Yu. The results don't seem to have been ideal."
Mentioning this made her wistful. "I just didn't have time to properly nurture a relationship. When I complete my Resident training, I won't be this busy anymore."
He smiled. "Don't deceive yourself. You'll become a Neurosurgery Specialist, you'll have higher professional pursuits. Developing like this, you'll become more and more like your mother—emotions will only become increasingly secondary to you."
She admitted he was right. "That's not necessarily a bad thing."
"But you're not your mother. If you could let go of everything, you wouldn't have chosen such a difficult profession; you wouldn't have moved to this city after breaking up with me, living the life I once hoped you'd have tattooed on the back of your neck. If you had forgotten me and were living well, I would leave without another word. But you haven't forgotten."
Just then, a mother with two children passed by not far away, breaking bread and scattering the crumbs. Flocks of seagulls immediately flew over chirping to feed, while the two children ran back and forth, giggling happily.
Perhaps nothing is more infectious than children's laughter, capable of making the whole world seem relaxed and peaceful. They both watched intently until the mother slowly led the children away into the distance.
Zuo Si'an gazed at the calm bay ahead and suddenly said softly, "Back when I chose Neurosurgery, besides it being the most difficult field requiring the longest training, I also wanted to understand how long memories of the past would haunt me."
"Did you find an answer?"
She shook her head. "The human brain's structure is intricate. Even with advanced science, we haven't unraveled all its mysteries. According to current research, the human brain consists of a neural network of 14 billion neurons. The area closely related to memory is called the hippocampus, responsible for converting human experiences into long-term memories for storage. But nobody knows what determines which experiences are deemed unimportant and can be forgotten, and which experiences remain, or for how long. People can use willpower and training to recall specific people, events, or experiences, and can also forget certain experiences due to illness or injury, but selectively forcing oneself to forget is basically impossible."She turned to look at him and said, "All my happiness is connected to a painful memory; what I want to forget and what I've decided to preserve forever are inseparable. How could I possibly forget? I made many contradictory efforts: I left you, left New York, yet I came to this city of Baltimore. After graduating from medical school, I had opportunities to go elsewhere as a Resident, but after much thought, I stayed and have remained here until now. Five years ago, I asked a plastic surgeon to repair the C-section scar on my abdomen. The surgery was successful, removing almost all the hypertrophic scar tissue. Now only a smooth line remains there—even if I wore a bikini, no one would bat an eye. But," she raised her hand and touched the tattoo on the back of her neck, "I went and had this line of poetry inked on my body, fearing that one day I might forget the moment you looked at me and told me to be happy."
Gao Xiang also remembered that day, on the road from Washington to Baltimore, when Zuo Si'an softly recited an English poem. It was early spring, the car window half-open, the air still carrying a crisp chill. Her voice was gentle, the syllables flowing like a babbling brook. Her eyes, looking at him, sparkled with laughter, her hair lifted by the wind, enchanting him. In that moment, he wished for her to always hold onto happiness and firmly believed they would be together forever.
They both sank into their memories.
After a long while, Zuo Si'an finally spoke again: "I thought I had resolved all my problems—that I could face the human body, gradually forget past unhappiness, stop taking nightmares seriously, and, in short, settle my life in order. But then I got engaged, hastily broke off the engagement, watched a patient die before my eyes, and was suspended from duty... I suddenly realized I wasn't prepared for any of it. My life seemed to be going according to plan, but in reality, it had become unrecognizable and out of control."
"So you decided to come back to China to see?"
"I didn't mean to disturb you, really. I'm sure you've long had a complete life of your own."
"Thank you for having such strong confidence in me."
"I just wanted to see the place where I was born, hoping to face the past and start a complete life anew. But then... I ended up messing up your life along the way."
He said gently, "I should thank you for this suspension; otherwise, we might never have had the chance to meet again."
She trembled slightly and smiled bitterly. "Maybe it would have been better if we hadn't met."
"Do you really think that?"
"What else can I think? Everything that kept us apart back then is still here. Gao Xiang, I don't even have the solitary courage I once had to fight against fate. We can't start over."
"Nothing is impossible. For the first time in my life, I somewhat regret giving up the chance to build a bigger career, earn higher social status, and more prominent fame. Otherwise, I could abandon these seemingly important things to make you believe in my resolve. Xiao An, I'm just an unknown businessman now. All I'd be giving up is a bit of business."
"But I can't let you do that."
"Unless you're worried that in the future, when you become a renowned doctor, someone might interview the man you're with and ask about your history together."
She froze. "I don't care about that. But...""There will always be 'buts' in life, but we cannot let those 'buts' dominate our existence. We've been apart for too long, Xiao An, and I'm growing old too. Before I become truly aged and wear away all my feelings, I want to be with you." He gripped her hand tightly, gazing deeply at her. "This time, no one can change my decision—not even you."
Zuo Si'an looked at Gao Xiang, the man sitting beside her who had appeared during the darkest days of her life and accompanied her through her nightmare-ridden youth. She didn't know exactly when she had fallen in love with him, but everything about him was stored deep in her memory, remaining with her all along.
Life is like a sudden journey; whether we bid proper farewells or not, we each walk our own paths. Time flows like an endless river, eroding the roads we've traveled, smoothing the edges of youthful arrogance, erasing shadows of bygone days, healing wounds that once devastated body and soul, while gradually wearing away seemingly eternal affections.
When all the pain had become part of the past, finally reaching the other shore of time, she discovered she couldn't help but love him, and even less could she look into his eyes and say "no."
Baltimore might have become a city in decline, but their memories remained vividly alive there.
Every act of forgetting is a quiet death of some part of our former selves; every act of remembrance locks in the paths they've walked, carving traces of love's existence, giving life more authentic meaning.
Time proves everything.
(The End)
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