"I understand, Dad. Everyone needs to find an outlet for themselves. You're escaping, and I've escaped too; you rely on immersing yourself in work and self-sacrifice to maintain your psychological balance, while I chose to study medicine and undergo long, arduous training to make myself forget certain things. But escaping solves nothing. In the end, we still have to face each other, and we must continue living, taking responsibility for those who love us. If you think you must turn a perfectly good life into a bleak one to feel worthy of me, that's utterly absurd."
Zuo Xuejun remained silent for a long time. Zuo Si'an paused for a moment, then said softly, "Dad, I know you originally imagined I'd have a safe, smooth life—pampered by you as I grew up, then handed over to a man you could trust, getting married, having children, carefree and unharmed. That's a beautiful thought, but life always has unforeseen changes. Let the past be past. Put down what's tormenting you, or I really won't know how to keep talking to you, and I probably won't come back to see you again in the future."
"You can never love and trust me like you did when you were little, right?"
She hesitated but still spoke frankly: "Don't ask me that, Dad. But you still have a chance to make up for regrets. You're lucky—Aunt Shi not only loves you but has given you the best gift: Xiao Qi. From now on, love her as you once loved me, give her a complete family. She'll always love and trust you."
"That's not the same."
Zuo Si'an smiled faintly. "Time can't be reversed, and Xiao Qi isn't a second me. She'll grow up more smoothly. Why should we insist everything be the same? You should rest now."
Zuo Si'an stepped out and found Gao Xiang standing outside the hospital room, clearly having overheard the conversation inside, but his expression was disapproving. "I hope he takes your advice."
"I don't know if this is right or how much it'll help, but at least it might let Xiao Qi have happy memories of her father in the future."
"Shi Wei will definitely be grateful to you. Sigh, I really don't know how she could keep loving your father all this time."
"She's a very kind woman with a romantic spirit, so her love is more enduring. But Dad can't let her down again. Someone once told me something I think is true: any kind of emotion can't withstand being worn down."
"Which philosopher said that?"
She froze for a moment. "I forgot. Anyway, I hope Dad understands her, cherishes her, and lives well with her."
Gao Xiang looked at her deeply. "And then you can leave with peace of mind?"
She was startled, instinctively wanting to avoid his gaze, but he held it firmly. She forced a smile. "I have to go. In the U.S., the Resident system is competitive with eliminations. Next year, I still have to compete for Chief Resident, complete enough surgeries within the allotted time—I can't stay away from work too long."
"Now that you've cared for your father, have you thought about caring about my life?"She said in the lightest tone possible, "You seem to be doing well—managing both your career and family perfectly. Your girlfriend looks beautiful and gentle, and she clearly loves you deeply. What is there to worry about?"
"You really do have confidence in me. You took the initiative to visit someone you’ve avoided for over a decade, effortlessly reconciled with your father, didn’t mind revisiting old places, and even wanted to see Xiao Fei, whom you refused to mention or face in the past. What do you think I would make of that?"
"It is strange," she admitted. "I can’t give a reasonable explanation. Maybe time has helped me overcome my fears. A 30-year-old woman is unlikely to be as afraid as a teenager to admit everything that happened."
"Including what happened between us?"
She froze for a moment but quickly composed herself. "That’s all in the past."
"You told your father you were running away too. So now tell me, what have you been avoiding all this time?"
His relentless questioning made her feel as if she were backed into a corner with no way out. She could only smile bitterly. "Gao Xiang, thank you for keeping me company these past few days. I’ll be returning to the U.S. the day after tomorrow. You should go back and live a good life with your girlfriend."
"I forgot to tell you—the day before I came to Ali, we officially broke up."
Zuo Si'an was shocked and abruptly stopped walking. "Why?"
"Don’t get worked up. It has nothing to do with you. I just wanted to see if your calm, rational attitude toward everything could hold up indefinitely."
She stared at him, speechless.
"You don’t need to blame yourself. She’s a good girl, but I realized I couldn’t give her what she needed. Staying together would only hurt her more." He suddenly changed the subject. "Look, I’ve been following you around all this time, not because I was afraid you wouldn’t return to the U.S. I’ve just always cared about you. Once caring becomes a habit, it’s hard to stop. I wonder if you care about me too. Now, how about worrying about my mental state? Maybe I’m worse off than your father—I might end up alone for the rest of my life."
His tone was half-serious, half-sarcastic, and she didn’t know how to respond. Hearing about his breakup only deepened her distress. After a long pause, she said, "I’m sorry. If I had known I would ruin your life a second time, I would have resisted coming here no matter what."
"Second time? So you’re only willing to take responsibility for my two breakups and completely ignore the time we were together."
"That’s not it." She suddenly looked up at him, her voice soft. "Being with you was the happiest time of my life. I’ve never been afraid to admit that."
His heart jolted, and he was about to speak when his phone rang. He hung up without looking, but it rang again persistently. He had no choice but to answer it. "It’s my family."
"Go ahead and take it."
Zuo Si'an stepped away. A moment later, Gao Xiang ended the call, his expression grave. "I have to go back immediately."
She nodded. "I’ve already taken up too much of your time. Please go back without any worries."Gao Xiang gazed at her intently. "Zuo Si'an, before I leave, I must tell you two things. First, those were also the happiest days of my life, which is why I can't forgive you for ending them that way. Second, you've long since grown up and matured, you're no longer a little girl, but I still care about you. You said feelings can't withstand erosion—I want to see how long it takes for you to wear away all my feelings."
Time flows away like the Lake, unceasing day and night. Yet some things ultimately remain etched in their hearts, forever indelible.
Chapter 15: 2000, Han River, Portland, New York
1
As Gao Xiang carried Bao Bao out of the parking lot toward Ocean World, he suddenly spotted Sun Ruodi, whom he hadn't seen in ages. He halted, and just then Ruodi turned around. After a moment of surprise, she walked over. "Hello, Gao Xiang."
"Hello."
He reached out to pat Bao Bao's head and smiled. "Wow, Bao Bao has gotten so big. Must be three years old now, right?"
"Yes, he just turned three three months ago."
"Right, I remember his birthday is at the end of December." She leaned closer to Bao Bao. "Hi there, Bao Bao. I even held you on your first birthday."
Bao Bao tilted his head, studying her. Gao Xiang chuckled. "Say hello to Auntie, Bao Bao."
Suddenly, Bao Bao spoke up: "Are you my mom?"
Both Gao Xiang and Sun Ruodi were stunned. Bao Bao blinked innocently and said to Gao Xiang, "Grandma showed me a photo and said she's my mom, but she went somewhere far away and can't come back."
Ruodi was taken aback, then couldn't help laughing. Gao Xiang looked torn between amusement and exasperation. "Bao Bao, she's not your mom. She's a friend of Dad's."
Bao Bao stared intently at Ruodi again. She said gently, "Bao Bao, maybe I just look a little like your mom."
This explanation seemed to somewhat satisfy him. "Hmm, my mom wore a red dress and had very long, straight hair. She was prettier than you."
Ruodi touched her recently permed shoulder-length hair. "I'm sure she was."
Extremely embarrassed, Gao Xiang handed Bao Bao to the nanny behind him. "Bao Bao, say goodbye to Auntie and wait up ahead. Dad will be right there." After the nanny led Bao Bao away, he said, "Sorry, Ruodi. My mom really messed up with this mix-up. Bao Bao must have asked her, and she randomly used your photo to placate him."
"It's fine. I actually understand Auntie's position—it's hard for adults to explain to such a young child that his mother has passed away." She suddenly changed the subject. "So you still have photos of me?"
He smiled wryly. "Did you shred all my photos?"
"Not exactly, but I put them all in a shoebox. Might never open it again."
"That's a reasonable way to handle it. I'm glad you're not upset about this. How are things now?"
"Not bad. Changed jobs, joined an advertising agency. Busier than before. Today I'm here at Ocean World to discuss an ad campaign. How about you?"
"Same as always—busy with work and raising my child."
She seemed thoughtful, pausing before saying, "Just now, watching you hold Bao Bao and talk to him, the paternal affection was so evident. You were so gentle it almost made me doubt my eyes."
Gao Xiang laughed. "I'd say I'm a reasonably competent father—no false modesty there.""How is Bao Bao's health now? Has he had the radical surgery yet?"
At this question, Gao Xiang's mood turned heavy: "No. Last September, we originally planned for the surgery, but as soon as they opened his chest, complications arose. His heartbeat stopped at one point, and he was only revived after electric shock. The doctors had to abandon the surgery and suture him back up."
Sun Ruodi was both surprised and full of sympathy: "What can be done then?"
"Over the past six months, his condition has been very poor. He's had recurrent lung infections and is physically weak. The doctors don't dare take the risk of operating again, and my mother is also afraid of a repeat of that situation. I probably shouldn't have brought him here, but he gets restless staying cooped up at home. When other kids from the neighborhood who've been here boasted about it, he kept pestering me to bring him."
"Ah, poor Bao Bao. You and your mother must have it really tough."
"I'm managing, but my mother has been extremely worried for Bao Bao."
Sun Ruodi sighed: "Auntie is truly remarkable. She's the most loving grandmother I've ever seen."
Gao Xiang completely agreed with that. Chen Zihui might have been an inadequate mother and an overly doting older sister, but her devotion and perseverance toward Bao Bao were indeed the main reasons this sickly child had managed to hold on until now.
"Thinking that I almost really became Bao Bao's mother... it feels... quite strange."
Recalling the past, both of them felt somewhat melancholy. Sun Ruodi forced a smile and changed the subject: "You've got a new girlfriend, haven't you?"
He shook his head: "No time to consider that."
She bluntly criticized him: "That sounds too arrogant."
"What about you?"
"Someone's pursuing me," she admitted frankly, "but it hasn't reached the stage of a formal relationship yet."
He sighed: "I'd like to generously wish you well, but... I can't help feeling a bit sour about it."
"Come on, you've probably long since forgotten about me."
He said gently: "No, I haven't. You were my first girlfriend, Ruodi."
She could only manage a weak smile: "Well, at least I've secured your first love. No one can take that away. By the way, how is Xiao An doing now?"
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