"In my understanding, being busy doesn't equate to being fulfilled. I don't have many impressions of Baltimore, only remembering that some residential areas seemed vacant and public safety didn't appear very good."
"Yes, due to the manufacturing downturn and economic recession with many unemployed workers, public safety indeed isn't great."
"What about your mother? Still living in Portland?" Seeing her nod, he said, "A place like Portland seems like it could remain unchanged for decades, as if time stood still."
"Actually Portland has changed too. When I visited this year, the airport was expanding and there were many more tourists from China. According to my mother, many middle schools in Maine now face insufficient student enrollment and financial strain, so they're actively recruiting Chinese students. Even remote small towns have young international students now. Unlike when I attended high school, I was the only Asian face in the entire school."
"So indeed nothing in this world remains unchanged."
Zuo Si'an understood his implication but couldn't respond immediately. After the long journey and jet lag, followed by the intense emotional turmoil from meeting her father, and now sharing a room with him while maintaining composure, she was utterly exhausted, unable to muster the energy to pretend everything was fine and continue conversing.
"Sorry, I'm really tired. If you don't mind—"
"Go to sleep."
The room fell silent. The bed was barely one and a half meters wide. They each stayed to their side, separated by mere tens of centimeters, able to hear each other's breathing. After an unknown length of time, Gao Xiang remained completely awake. He turned to look at Zuo Si'an - as she had said, she fell asleep quickly and was now deeply asleep, her head tilted to one side with even, steady breathing, one hand resting on the pillow.
He recalled when she was nearly 15, returning from Ali, lying beside him like this in a Chengdu hotel. The difference was, that time she was crying bitterly, clutching him tightly like a drowning person grasping their only float, unwilling to let go even in sleep. Now she was 30, having lived abroad independently for so long and become a doctor capable of calmly facing life, death, and illness - she had probably long learned and grown accustomed to resolving her inner burdens alone.
And him? He was a father trusted by his 15-year-old son, seen by everyone as the embodiment of maturity and rationality. Only when encountering her did his rational judgment seem to be set aside.
The guest room door suddenly received two light knocks. Zuo Si'an appeared to be in deep sleep with no reaction. Gao Xiang immediately went to open the door, finding Zuo Xuejun standing outside, who looked shocked to see Gao Xiang.
Gao Xiang said politely in a soft voice: "Secretary Zuo, hello. Your daughter is very tired and just fell asleep. Could you speak with her later if there's something?"
Zuo Xuejun looked embarrassed, turned to leave but stopped: "If convenient, I'd like to talk with you. May I?"
Gao Xiang was slightly surprised but immediately nodded.
2_
Walking out of the hotel, Zuo Xuejun asked Gao Xiang: "Do you like butter tea?"
Gao Xiang nodded: "No problem."Zuo Xuejun led Gao Xiang to a teahouse not far from the hotel. It had no signboard, and its modest facade was entirely inconspicuous. Inside, it was cramped and shabby, with darkened walls and dim lighting. The patrons were almost all Tibetans. In the innermost part of the room, brick tea boiled vigorously in a large pot on the stove. A wrinkled elderly Tibetan man scooped up the tea, filtered out the leaves, poured it into a cylindrical container, added butter and salt, and stirred thoroughly, churning the butter tea.
"Tourists from outside prefer sweet milk tea, but this shop only serves butter tea. They don’t use the now increasingly common electric butter tea machines—everything is handmade, even the butter is homemade by the owner. The flavor is very authentic."
The only server brought over a pot of steaming butter tea. Zuo Xuejun poured the tea into a wooden bowl and pushed it toward Gao Xiang. "Drink up. It’s helpful for preventing altitude sickness."
"Thank you."
"How is your father doing?"
"Thank you, he’s fine."
"In recent years, Clear Ridge Winery seems to have been developing quite well."
"It’s passable. My father is the chairman, and he manages the company. I focus on my own small business."
Both fell silent for a moment. The polite small talk had clearly reached a dead end, and Zuo Xuejun decided to get straight to the point. "Xiao An didn’t mention to me that you were coming too."
Gao Xiang replied frankly, "She had no idea I would be here."
"A few days ago, I called her mother," Zuo Xuejun said, clearly choosing his words carefully, as he rarely contacted his ex-wife. "Her mother mentioned that she has a boyfriend who has already proposed to her. I asked you out just to remind you—if Xiao An’s life is already settled, you shouldn’t interfere."
Gao Xiang chuckled. "So Secretary Zuo is telling me to back off gracefully?"
"Xiao An now appears both independent and idealistic. If she has a boyfriend and they’re discussing marriage, she must have thought it through thoroughly. I hope her marriage will be smooth and happy, and I don’t want any complications to arise just because she came back to see me."
"Did she mention her engagement to you?" Zuo Xuejun remained silent, tacitly acknowledging she hadn’t. "Then did she tell you why she suddenly decided to visit you?"
Zuo Xuejun paused for a moment. "She didn’t say, and I didn’t ask."
"Aren’t you the least bit curious? After all, she hasn’t returned to the country in nearly 13 years. If I’m not mistaken, she probably rarely calls to update you on her life."
"Yes, we speak about once a year, usually around the Spring Festival. When I received her call saying she was coming to see me, I could hardly believe my ears. I didn’t take her visit for granted," Zuo Xuejun said, staring at the wooden bowl in his hands. "I really want to know how she’s been all these years, but I know nothing about her life for such a long time. There are too many questions I want to ask, yet I feel anything I ask would be intrusive. I’m too overwhelmed with gratitude and joy—how could I possibly ask her why she came to see me?"
"If you were truly happy about her visit, you certainly didn’t show it. When I saw her this afternoon, she had just parted from you and looked extremely upset."Zuo Xuejun was stung by Gao Xiang's implicit accusation. He turned his head away, facing the mottled, peeling wall, and after a long while said, "I know she has every right to be angry with me. I've behaved terribly, always have."
"So you're content with this kind of reunion after years apart: picking up your long-unseen daughter, inviting her home for a meal, taking her to browse the craft market, chasing away that man who followed her, sending her to the airport, letting her marry a foreigner you've never met."
"She didn't mention her boyfriend at all. I suppose I have no right to ask."
Gao Xiang said coldly, "There are certainly more things she hasn't told you than just her boyfriend. If I remember correctly, before she went abroad, the only request she made of you was to ask you to come home. When she was 14, I went to your house and asked you to visit her in Liu Wan - you refused, came to Ali without even saying goodbye to her. Before she turned 15, she traveled all the way to Ali to see you, and you made her a promise that ultimately went unfulfilled. As for driving me away from her side, you did that during the Spring Festival when she was 17. All these years have passed, and your behavior hasn't improved much - I think a father should be able to do more for his daughter than this."
"Besides these things, what else can I do for her?" Zuo Xuejun's hand holding the wooden bowl trembled slightly. After a long moment, he said hoarsely, "All these years, all I've known about her situation is: she went to university, then continued to medical school, she's working as a resident, that's all. I've completely missed out on her life. She's 30 this year. Seeing her suddenly appear before me felt like a dream. When she talks to me, I can't help but drift off, remembering things from her childhood. When she was born, she had neonatal jaundice and needed phototherapy. Her mother and I had no experience, we were so scared we didn't dare sleep for days. After she recovered, we named her Si'an, hoping she would have peace and safety throughout her life... I never imagined that I couldn't even guarantee her most basic safety. I'm a failed father..."
Gao Xiang found himself momentarily speechless. He could see that this man had been living in long-term pain and self-blame, needing no further reminders from him.
"I don't doubt that you care about your daughter, but if you only think about keeping me away from her and letting her return to that distant place to live a life you know nothing about, this kind of concern is rather simplistic. Part of your daughter's heart remains stuck in her teenage years, never truly moving past it completely. If you avoid it, you can keep avoiding it, and have this meeting with your daughter go exactly as you wish." After a pause, he added, "Believe me, for the next dozen years or so, she'll still have no contact with you."
Just then, Gao Xiang's phone rang. Saying "excuse me," he stepped out to answer it. The call was from Zuo Si'an at the hotel.
"Awake so soon?"
"Actually, I woke up when my father knocked. But suddenly I felt guilty, didn't know how to face him properly, completely lacking the righteous confidence I had at 17 when you and I were caught by him at home."Mentioning that matter, both of them felt somewhat similarly. Zuo Si'an seemed to regret her words and quickly added, "I couldn't think of what to say, so I had to pretend and let you handle it."
Gao Xiang was amused by this frank admission: "Alright, I forgive you for throwing me out to face him."
"Where are you?"
"Don't worry, your father was very polite to me this time. He treated me to butter tea at a small teahouse. The taste is a bit strong, but after drinking it, my headache really did feel better. Maybe you should give it a try."
She made a noncommittal sound.
"He's very concerned about your life and doesn't want me to continue bothering you."
She smiled bitterly: "Why didn't you tell him that actually, I'm the one bothering you."
"There's no need to explain. I did follow you to Ali."
"I'll make it clear to him," she said softly. "Gao Xiang, please tell him I'm going to the Shiquan River now. If he still wants to talk to me, come find me by the river."
"I said there's no need to explain."
"No, he came to the hotel looking for me, so he must have something to say. Even if he feels there's nothing to say, I can't let you shield me anymore."
Gao Xiang returned to the teahouse and told Zuo Xuejun that his daughter was waiting for him by the river. They settled the bill and stepped out. Watching Zuo Xuejun walk away, he suddenly remembered that late night fifteen years ago when he brought Zuo Si'an out from the guesthouse, walking along this same street.
Both of them were suffering from severe altitude sickness. Holding her hand, they walked slowly through the dark, deep, and quiet surroundings. The street was unusually empty, with wind whipping up dust and howling past their ears, carrying an overwhelming force that seemed capable of sweeping everything away. Unlike before, when she carefully maintained her distance from him, she instinctively drew closer, gripping his hand tightly.
Despite his mother's objections, he had traveled thousands of miles to bring Zuo Si'an to Ali, initially driven purely by guilt, trying to atone for Chen Ziyu's sins to ease his conscience.
It was at that moment that he became more emotionally invested in her. Their fates seemed to be formally connected through their silently clasped hands.
Years later, realizing this clearly for the first time, Gao Xiang momentarily felt dazed.
Chapter 10: 1998, Jianghan
1_
Gao Xiang went to his room to get some documents and was heading back downstairs to go out when he heard Wang Yujiao's angry voice from the kitchen: "How can you skip school? Final exams are coming up, what if you fall behind? And the Olympiad math training this afternoon—how can you miss that? Xiao An has her mother's colleague with her, why are you getting involved? If your father finds out, he'll definitely beat you. Give the phone to Xiao An, let me talk to her..."
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