The first time he saw her was still vivid in his mind, as if it had happened just yesterday.
☆、13
Chapter 4 1996, Qinggang, Liu Wan
Zuo Si'an, half-asleep and half-awake, heard a sudden knock at the door. She jolted upright, shrinking into the corner of the bed against the wall.
Her mother, Yu Jia, had long since removed the doorbell batteries. She could distinguish the knocks of those allowed to enter her home. This knock was unfamiliar—neither too light nor too heavy, neither too hurried nor too slow—clearly different from yesterday's frantic pounding, yet equally determined to break through the tightly shut door.
She didn't know who the visitor was, but she could imagine the neighbors quietly opening the small window in their security door, curiously peeking at the guest outside her home.
She was afraid of strangers knocking, but even more afraid of the hushed arguments between her parents that would follow, like last night. Since the day they learned of her pregnancy, their quarrels had repeated over and over, mostly starting with "if," back and forth, one sentence after another, as if failing to respond would make one the party responsible for her current situation:
"If you had listened to me and let her board at school in the provincial capital, instead of bringing her to Qinggang to study…"
"If you, as her mother, had cared more about your daughter and taught her some physiological knowledge earlier…"
"If you hadn't spoiled her so excessively, leaving her with no ability to adapt or make decisions…"
"If you were close enough to her, a daughter would naturally confide in her mother first about such matters…"
"If you hadn't been so busy with inspections in the countryside, leaving her alone at home…"
"If during summer vacation you hadn't been tied up with your research project and had brought her back…"
"If you hadn't made such a big fuss reporting it to the police, why would we be so passive now…"
Last night's argument had been especially prolonged and intense. They both avoided mentioning her name, accusing each other of being unfit parents. Her mother spoke more forcefully, while her father only countered occasionally after long pauses.
She could only bury her head under the covers, shivering in the corner, crying until she unknowingly fell asleep. When she woke in the middle of the night, the house was quiet. She crept out of bed and went to the living room, finding her father hadn't gone to the bedroom but was curled up on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket. She stood there, not daring to make a sound. After what felt like an eternity, her father turned over with difficulty on the sofa, and she returned to her room to lie down again.
Yu Jia entered the bedroom, her brow furrowing involuntarily. Zuo Si'an knew her mother disliked seeing her cower like this, but she could no longer hide her inner fear. Yu Jia said in a gentle voice, "Don't be afraid. I'll see who it is."
Their home was a three-bedroom apartment on the third floor of the Qinggang County government dormitory, with thin walls. Sitting in her bedroom, she could clearly hear her mother open the door and ask coldly, "What do you want?"
A young man's voice replied, "Hello, Teacher Yu. My name is Gao Xiang. I'm—"
Yu Jia cut him off abruptly, "I know who you are. I saw you at the police station. Your mother already came here to make a scene yesterday. I have nothing to say to you. Please leave."
Yet the man didn't leave. "Teacher Yu, please give me a few minutes. If you find my proposal unreasonable, I promise my family and I will not disturb you again."Zuo Si'an knew the neighbors were still watching, waiting for the dramatic confrontation that occurred during this man's mother's visit yesterday to repeat itself. Yu Jia was clearly aware of this too. She compromised, letting him in and closing the door, but did not invite him to sit.
"You appear to be a civilized person. Let's resolve this matter in a civilized way. I know you're just planning to repeat that request with more courtesy than your mother showed. I won't agree to it. The only reason I let you in is to avoid giving the neighbors more entertainment. Please don't harass us again."
"But your daughter..."
His words cut off. Zuo Si'an could imagine her mother stopping him with a gesture while simultaneously listening for any movement from her room. Since the incident, her perception seemed to have sharpened considerably. Many scenes, people's expressions, even fleeting glances—she could understand them clearly without needing to look. She didn't welcome this heightened sensitivity that only intensified her pain. She just wanted to curl up tighter, but her swollen belly prevented her from doing so. The only thing she could do was hug her knees more tightly, as if this could lock away part of herself and create some additional barrier against the outside world.
Yu Jia's voice dropped lower, but remained clearly audible: "My daughter is none of your concern. I won't discuss her future with your family."
Just then, another knock came at the door, accompanied by a voice calling: "Aunt Yu, it's us."
Zuo Si'an knew it was her classmate Liu Guanchao and his mother Wang Yujiao. Yu Jia opened the door to let them in. Liu Guanchao, his voice newly cracked with adolescence, said: "Aunt Yu, here's the shampoo, conditioner, and laundry detergent you asked me to buy, and your change."
"Thank you, Xiao Chao."
Wang Yujiao said: "Teacher Yu, this pot of yam and pork rib soup was slow-cooked over a coal stove at home. Let me serve Xiao An a bowl while it's still hot."
"Thank you, Sister Wang. She only ate a little at noon and refused to touch anything else."
"Then I'll go to the kitchen to wash the rice and prepare vegetables to cook dinner. Xiao Chao, go do homework with Xiao An."
"Okay. Aunt Yu, I brought today's assigned homework and can explain the new lessons to Xiao An."
"Good, thank you, Xiao Chao." Yu Jia raised her voice, "Xiao An, Xiao Chao is here."
Liu Guanchao was a thin, small boy wearing old but clean school uniform and carrying a worn-out backpack. He came from a small village called Liu Wan in Qinggang County. After testing into Qinggang Middle School with excellent scores, his parents moved the entire family—including him and his sister—to Qinggang's county town to support his education, making their living selling vegetables. Zuo Xuejun had met Liu's parents while buying groceries and discovered through conversation that their son Liu Guanchao happened to be Zuo Si'an's classmate. With his busy work schedule—occasionally attending meetings in the provincial capital, inspecting rural areas under Qinggang's jurisdiction, or going on business trips lasting several days to a week—Zuo Xuejun arranged with the Liu family for Wang Yujiao to come daily to clean and cook one meal. When he was away, Liu Guanchao would come up to study with Zuo Si'an, and Wang Yujiao would stay overnight with her. This arrangement relieved him of many worries, and Yu Jia also felt much more at ease after learning about it.For over a year as classmates, Liu Guanchao had become Zuo Si'an's very close friend, and he was the only outsider who could enter her room after the incident.
He opened his backpack and took out a notebook, about to speak when Zuo Si'an shook her head at him, signaling him to be quiet. The conversation outside continued.
"You see for yourself. My daughter can't go to school, can't go out on the streets. Even staying at home, she has to endure neighbors gossiping and prying. Every time she goes to the hospital for treatment or a check-up, she nearly breaks down. Our home is in the provincial capital, but... I can't leave my daughter here to go back to work now, and I certainly can't take her back with me. I'm afraid this matter will spread to the provincial capital, and she'll be pointed at and talked about there too, unable to establish herself. She locks herself in her nine-square-meter bedroom all day, refusing to see anyone except this classmate of hers. I have to keep an eye on my daughter, so I can't go anywhere either, not even to buy daily necessities. This dormitory has become a prison for me and my daughter. What else do you want to talk to me about?"
The visitor didn't answer. Liu Guanchao asked in a near-whisper, "Who is he?"
Zuo Si'an shook her head without answering.
Yu Jia continued, "Your mother came to our door and threatened in front of my daughter to ruin my husband. But he already collapsed completely the day he found out about this. He adores his daughter and has suffered an unimaginable blow. Otherwise, a gentle man like him wouldn't have gone mad, chasing after that beast in a police car himself. What kind of people are you, coming to our door with such demands? If I used my daughter as a bargaining chip to get you to drop the lawsuit against him, he would never forgive me."
The man finally spoke, his voice calm and sincere: "Teacher Yu, I'm not here to make demands, much less to threaten anyone. I just want to calmly discuss a solution that would be good for everyone."
"Your mother also kept saying she wanted to help us solve the problem. I drove her out and almost hit her. I never thought in my life I'd have a day where I'd argue with someone like a hysterical shrew. Calmly? Do you think it's possible for me to remain calm?"
"I apologize on behalf of my mother, Teacher Yu. I don't agree with her approach. But your daughter is already six months pregnant. If she has an induced labor..."
Liu Guanchao had happened to visit yesterday during Chen Zi Hui's visit and had heard a similar conversation. His face immediately flushed red. "I'll go drive him away."
Zuo Si'an suddenly got out of bed, opened the bedroom door, and walked out. Liu Guanchao followed her nervously. Yu Jia said in astonishment, "Xiao An, what are you doing out here?"
Zuo Si'an looked straight at them: "Mom, let's just do what they say."
"Xiao An, what nonsense are you talking?"
"The woman who came yesterday said if we don't agree, she'll keep suing Dad."
"I already said, don't pay attention to her..."
She interrupted Yu Jia: "She won't give up, will she? That day at the hospital, I heard Yaqin say that induced labor is almost like giving birth. If the baby comes out alive, they have to give it an injection to kill it."Yu Jia was both angry and heartbroken, but before she could speak, Wang Yujiao rushed out from the kitchen, flustered, and said, "That wretched girl Yaqin, she has no sense of propriety. How could she say such nonsense to you? Just wait until I get home—I’ll give her a beating. Xiao An, don’t listen to her. She’s only been a trainee nurse at the county hospital for a few months and doesn’t know anything."
Zuo Si’an didn’t respond, instead saying calmly, "I don’t want them to keep bothering my father. Since things have already come to this, if they want it, they can have it."
She didn’t look at anyone, her voice flat, clear, and devoid of any emotion. Yu Jia stared at her blankly: "No, your father won’t agree. You don’t need to worry about these things. At worst, I’ll take you back to the provincial capital for an abortion..."
"I’m not going back, and I won’t have an abortion. Send me somewhere where no one knows me. Once this is over, we can go home."
"How can that be? I can’t take any more time off."
"Go back to work. I don’t need you to stay with me."
After saying this, Zuo Si’an returned to her bedroom. Liu Guanchao followed her in, standing there dazedly, completely at a loss.
Just then, the man’s voice outside spoke up again: "Teacher Yu, please reconsider."
"What is there for me to reconsider? It’s despicable of you to intimidate a child like this, using her love for her father to coerce her."
"I’m sorry, I truly apologize for this. Whatever your final decision is, I promise I’ll do my best to prevent my mother from coming to your home again."
"But you won’t stop her from reporting my husband, will you?"
"I’m sorry. My mother dotes on her younger brother..."
Yu Jia cut him off coldly: "Don’t mention that person in my home."
"I’m sorry," the man apologized again, his tone sincere. "My mother is very stubborn. Neither my father nor I agree with her actions, but I’m afraid we can’t stop her. The only reason I came here was to try and minimize the harm."
"At this point, what harm is there left to minimize?" Yu Jia’s voice grew faint, losing its earlier anger. It didn’t sound like a retort or an argument, but more like a bewildered murmur to herself.
"Teacher Yu, I know you have work too. My family can take responsibility for caring for your daughter."
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