Zhou Wan still vividly remembered the first time she saw Lu Xixiao.
It was mid-August before the official start of high school, during the two-week military training after being admitted. Under the scorching summer sun, the stifling air felt as if a single spark could ignite an explosion. Square formations were scattered around the playground, a sea of military green uniforms.
Zhou Wan was introverted and slow to warm up to others. Having attended an ordinary middle school, Jiang Yan was the only one who advanced to Yangming High School with her, so she knew no one else. During breaks, while everyone else gathered in lively chatter and play, Zhou Wan could only sit quietly under the shade of a tree, drinking water.
It was then that she noticed Lu Xixiao—though she didn’t know his name at the time. He often arrived late to training and had been reprimanded several times by his instructor, yet he remained utterly unfazed, hands in his pockets, exuding a carefree and nonchalant air. She had never met anyone like him before—recklessly unrestrained, fiercely untamable, yet candid and open. He was the complete opposite of her.
Out of curiosity, Zhou Wan stole glances at him during breaks. Even before school officially started, he already had many friends and naturally became the center of attention. Standing under the tree shade, tall and long-legged, he wore the oversized military uniform without it diminishing his stature. A cigarette dangled from his fingers, a faint smile playing on his lips, his eyes carrying a hint of roguish charm.
A tall, pretty, and confident girl approached him, said a few words—likely asking for his number—and Lu Xixiao gave it to her. Zhou Wan blinked and averted her gaze.
...
Halfway through the training, one afternoon, Zhou Wan felt dizzy from heatstroke, and the instructor allowed her to rest in the infirmary. The room was crowded—some genuinely ill, others feigning sickness. Finding it too stuffy, Zhou Wan didn’t stay long. After drinking Huoxiang Zhengqi Liquid, she left the infirmary, wandered around the campus, and eventually settled under a secluded tree shade.
Not long after, a sudden noise came from above and behind her. Zhou Wan turned and looked up. Behind her was the school wall—a hand gripped the top, followed swiftly by a leg swinging over. The movement was so fluid she barely registered it before he landed steadily right in front of her.
Lu Xixiao noticed her and raised an eyebrow. Zhou Wan quickly shook her head slightly and looked away. He held a bag in his hand, lifted it, opened it with a rustling sound, and rummaged through it. A can of iced Coke was tossed over, tracing a parabola through the air. Flustered, Zhou Wan caught it but fumbled from the cold, dropping the can on the grass before hurriedly picking it up. Her palm, chilled by the ice-cold can, seemed to cool the sweltering summer day by a few degrees.
Lu Xixiao glanced back and said casually, "Hush money." Then he turned and walked away. Zhou Wan stared blankly at his retreating figure until he disappeared around the corner, only then processing what he had said.
After the military training ended, Zhou Wan didn’t see him again and still didn’t know his name. Until one day after school, while walking home with Gu Meng, they stopped at a convenience store to buy water. Zhou Wan, head down, pushed the door open and accidentally bumped into someone. Startled, she instinctively stepped back to make way but nearly stumbled off the steps. A sharp scent of tobacco filled her nostrils as a firm hand steadied her by the waist, releasing her once she regained her balance. She looked up, her pupils involuntarily widening.The young man had a cigarette dangling from his lips. Without looking at her, he sidestepped past her and walked out, as if he had merely steadied her casually moments ago.
Zhou Wan’s gaze followed him as he moved away.
"Wanwan! Did you see that guy just now?" Gu Meng exclaimed excitedly.
Zhou Wan quickly averted her eyes. "Huh?"
"He’s in Class 7, Grade 10—Lu Xixiao. He’s already been crowned the school hunk, and it’s only been a short while since the semester started," Gu Meng said. "I heard a stunning senior from Grade 11 is chasing after him."
Lu Xixiao.
So, his name was Lu Xixiao.
Zhou Wan now knew his name.
Though it was something the entire school likely knew, it became a secret she buried deep in her heart.
Lu Xixiao didn’t come to school often, and when he did, he was either late or left early. Zhou Wan didn’t see him much, and whenever she did, he was usually surrounded by various pretty girls.
Zhou Wan didn’t really feel sad.
Her feelings for him had long been deemed hopeless in her heart. She had never allowed herself even a sliver of hope or expectation, so there was no room for disappointment.
…
Later, they met again in a dimly lit arcade.
Lu Xixiao picked up a pack of cigarettes from the counter, scanned the code to pay, and glanced up, catching sight of Zhou Wan. He seemed to find her familiar and casually asked, "From Yangming?"
"Yeah."
He exhaled a puff of smoke, raising an eyebrow through the haze. "What’s your name?"
"Zhou Wan. The ‘Wan’ from ‘draw a carved bow to the full like the moon.’"
He let out an ambiguous chuckle before leisurely offering his own name. "Lu Xixiao."
Zhou Wan met his gaze.
"I know."
I’ve known all along that your name is Lu Xixiao.
Because—
I’ve liked you for a long time.
Lu Xixiao didn’t speak, his gaze fixed intently on her. In that moment, his thoughts were in disarray.
It felt like suddenly receiving something far more precious and wonderful than he had ever anticipated—a heavy, fragile treasure he was afraid to damage, something he didn’t even dare to dwell on too deeply.
After a long silence, he spoke hoarsely, "Why… why did you never tell me?"
Zhou Wan paused, then replied softly, "At first, I never imagined you’d actually come to like me too, so I thought there was no need to tell you. I treated it as nothing more than a beautiful dream."
Her eyes gradually reddened. "Later on, my feelings became mixed with other things, and I didn’t dare tell you anymore. So many people like you… my feelings seemed utterly insignificant in comparison."
"Silly," Lu Xixiao murmured, pulling her into his embrace. A scorching kiss landed on her neck. "Your feelings are the most precious to me."
He brushed aside the stray strands of hair on her cheek, gently held her shoulders to create a little distance, and looked intently into her eyes. "Wanwan," he said with utmost seriousness, "I’m really happy that you like me."
Zhou Wan remained silent.
She didn’t believe that her past affections could ever make up for the mistakes she had made.
Just as he had once said at the peak of their relationship—no matter how they dissected or analyzed it, she was the one who had wronged him.
She couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes and lowered her head, a tear falling onto the back of Lu Xixiao’s hand.
"And that time… when you called me, and I said I didn’t love you," Zhou Wan whispered. "That was a lie too. I never stopped loving you."
"Yeah, I know," Lu Xixiao replied, his voice rough.
Zhou Wan gripped his hand tightly, the memories of that night resurfacing in her mind.
It was her first encounter with such stark malice from a stranger after stepping into society—a shadow she could never forget.She spoke word by word, tearing open the scar, and told Lu Xixiao everything that had happened to her that day.
Lu Xixiao had heard her mention being harassed before, but she had glossed over it at the time. He had never truly understood what Zhou Wan had endured until now.
His girl, all alone, so insecure that she despised herself.
She had been nearly desperate, stubbornly putting on a brave face as she bid him farewell.
Back then, Zhou Wan was only 17, young and naive, using what she thought was the best way to let Lu Xixiao start over, stride forward, and no longer be dragged down or restrained.
Lu Xixiao’s Adam’s apple bobbed. He wanted to say something, but anything he could think of felt too weak.
Finally, his voice was deep and magnetic, thick with a nasal tone: "It’s all in the past."
From now on, nothing like this will ever happen in your world again.
I will protect you.
"I was thinking," Zhou Wan whispered, her voice trembling, "if we had started with a clean slate like this, would we have had a different ending?"
"We already have the best ending," Lu Xixiao kissed away her tears. "The journey doesn’t matter, as long as you’re by my side now."
Zhou Wan shook her head vigorously. "It does matter."
The journey matters.
Lu Xixiao’s efforts along the way were never something that could be easily glossed over.
"If the ending were different, and the journey were different, would you…" Zhou Wan sniffled, struggling to finish her words, "would you not have gotten sick?"
Lu Xixiao froze.
It took him a while to realize what Zhou Wan was referring to.
That notebook of psychological counseling records was given to him by the doctor during his last session. At the time, he was about to graduate and return home, so he casually tossed it into a drawer and hadn’t thought about it much over the years.
He had forgotten that Zhou Wan might see it.
"I’m already better," Lu Xixiao murmured softly, his nose gently brushing against hers, his tone soothing and almost imperceptible. "It’s okay now."
"I’m sorry, Lu Xixiao. I didn’t know… I had no idea you’ve been suffering so much all these years. Why is it that everything I bring you is always something bad…"
From the very beginning, all she had ever wanted was to make Lu Xixiao happy.
Later, all she wanted was to set him back on the right path, to let him stride forward.
The girl’s eyes and the tip of her nose were red, and fueled by alcohol, she cried as if her heart were breaking.
She was filled with self-blame, guilt, and heartache, yet utterly powerless.
"Wanwan."
Lu Xixiao raised his hand, cupping her tear-streaked face, lifting her chin. His voice was low and firm, carrying a hint of stubborn determination. "Wanwan, listen to me."
She looked up, her eyelashes wet and clumped together.
"My illness wasn’t caused by you. In fact, ever since my sister passed away, my mother jumped off a building right in front of me, and then my grandparents left, I spent a long time in a state of despair and self-destruction."
"Even if I might have seemed fine in your eyes back then, only I knew that my heart was like a sinking swamp. I never had any hope or illusions about life. I just drifted aimlessly, living recklessly and indulging myself, numbing and abandoning myself."
"Wanwan, do you remember? That year on New Year’s Eve, I sent you a message."
Zhou Wan looked up, her voice trembling. "I remember."
—Zhou Wan.
—Spend every New Year with me from now on."That was the first time I imagined the future, and also the first time I felt that the days ahead might not be so bad."
It wasn't just a simple sweet nothing.
It was the banner under which Lu Xixiao began to rebuild himself.
It was the sign that she had finally taken the hand of the boy trapped in the dark abyss.
"Later on, during my early time abroad, perhaps because of the change in living environment, my entire emotional state underwent a significant shift—insomnia, irritability. I went to see a doctor and was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder. The doctor explained many related symptoms to me, and I realized I might have had this illness for a long time."
Zhou Wan was taken aback.
"I just didn't know it back then. Later, when I met you, those symptoms gradually disappeared."
"Moreover, in the end, it was because of you that I could pull through," Lu Xixiao said softly. "You told me that from now on, I should move forward and upward."
During those lonely days and countless moments, it was this one sentence that Lu Xixiao clung to, step by step, to reach where he is now.
"So, if we really examine it carefully, you don't owe me anything."
Lu Xixiao said, "Without you, there would be no me as I am today. We're even."
Late at night.
All was silent.
Lu Xixiao woke in the middle of the night and got up to go to the bathroom.
Splashing cold water on his face, he braced his hands on the vanity, water droplets tracing the lines of his face before falling, one by one, onto the counter.
After a long moment, he let out a soft sigh, but something still felt lodged in his chest.
Zhou Wan's words from earlier lingered in his mind, refusing to dissipate.
If he had known what Zhou Wan would go through, he would have thrown caution to the wind to find her, whether through pleas or begging, and made sure she stayed by his side.
Compared to Zhou Wan, his pride and stubbornness were insignificant.
Yet those past events were something he could never undo or change.
He thought again of what she had said earlier.
—Back when you didn't even know me, I was secretly liking you.
During that time, he was living in a daze. He had moved out and lived alone in that spacious house, often waking from dreams at midnight feeling profoundly lonely.
That kind of loneliness, darker layer upon layer, was terrifying, constantly reminding him of his mother's final leap.
He stubbornly stayed in his mother's old home, yet at the same time, he resisted returning there.
So he made many friends, quite a few of them unsavory characters—bars, karaoke, alcohol, and loud noise—wherever there was excitement, he went.
He had many girlfriends but never invested any real emotion.
Deep inside, another Lu Xixiao merely watched all this coldly, observing himself playing with life, drifting through existence.
...
After a long while, he shook his head and walked out of the bathroom.
Back in bed, Zhou Wan stirred at his movement. Without opening her eyes, she reached out and hugged him. "Can't sleep?"
"No," Lu Xixiao turned and kissed her lips. "Just went to the bathroom."
Zhou Wan patted his chest gently. "Go to sleep now."
That night, Lu Xixiao had a dream.
In the dream, he returned to the year 2018.
He was about to graduate and went to the psychological therapy clinic for the last time.
The therapist was Chinese, and they had always communicated in Mandarin—one of the rare times during those years that Lu Xixiao could use his native language.
Perhaps because of this, he was able to open up as much as possible there.The psychiatrist knew this was his last visit and advised, "Although your condition has improved significantly compared to the beginning, you must continue taking your medication after returning. If needed, be sure to seek medical help."
Lu Xixiao smiled faintly. "Mm, thank you for these years."
"Just doing my job," the doctor replied with a smile. "I hope you can truly move on soon."
Lu Xixiao paused for a moment before speaking. "When I return to City B, I might run into her."
"She's in City B?"
"Not sure, maybe." Lu Xixiao's tone remained steady. "She had excellent grades, and there's nothing left for her in Pingchuan. She'd likely study and work in City B."
The doctor sighed helplessly. "You say you haven't looked into her whereabouts all these years, but deep down you know, don't you?"
Lu Xixiao remained silent.
"Would you like to hear my suggestion?"
"Mm."
"While facing the past is essential to truly moving on, considering your situation and the unique nature of your relationship, I don't recommend seeking her out. What you had is over. You need to refocus on yourself and maintain emotional boundaries—that's how you'll fully heal."
Lu Xixiao stayed quiet for a while. Seated on the sofa, with the floor-to-ceiling window casting the fading sunset glow over him, he kept his hands in his pockets, leaning lazily against the backrest.
"Sometimes I wonder," he said softly, his voice barely audible, as if recounting an insignificant memory, "why I decided at that moment to face forward and block that knife. Truthfully, I had no certainty whether it would pierce my heart or if I'd never wake up again. I just clearly felt then that she was leaving. Even when she was by my side, it felt like she was saying goodbye."
"I gambled with my life. Looking back, it might seem incredibly foolish and childish, but at the time, I thought if I survived, her guilt and remorse might make her stay. And if she truly had to go... there was nothing left in this world I couldn't let go of."
The psychiatrist frowned. "A Xiao, a healthy relationship shouldn't be like that."
"I know."
His gaze drifted to an indistinct point outside the window. "But she was my everything."
Later, many saw him as heaven's favored one—privileged background, outstanding academic record, accomplished at a young age.
But only Lu Xixiao knew that, in some ways, he had nothing.
What he obtained held no appeal; what he desired remained out of reach.
From age eighteen until now, the only thing he ever truly possessed was Zhou Wan.
When she left, he was left with nothing.
...
After graduation, Lu Xixiao returned to Pingchuan City.
Old Mr. Lu sent someone to pick him up and asked about his future plans. When Lu Xixiao mentioned going to City B, the old man merely paused briefly before nodding in approval.
No one had expected his feelings for Zhou Wan to endure this long.
After leaving the Lu residence, Lu Xixiao originally had a direct flight to City B but changed his mind last minute, rescheduling for the evening.
He went alone to Pingchuan's "City Eye."
When it first opened, the place had been bustling with crowds, but now only scattered tourists visited.
The elevator doors opened to reveal a spacious circular observation deck. He bought a ticket for the external glass walkway and put on the safety gear.
As the door to the glass pathway swung open, the roaring wind filled his ears.Lu Xixiao closed his eyes, his hand pressed against the railing as he slowly walked forward.
The wind struck his face like coarse blades, sharp and painful, threatening to scrape tears from his eyes.
Leaning on the railing with closed eyes, he moved ahead, his mind haunted by the gruesome image of his mother's fatal fall—the vivid crimson blood, the chaotic noise.
He stood still, cold sweat beading on his forehead, his entire body feeling weak and unsteady.
Someone behind urged him to hurry up.
Lu Xixiao's fingers tightened around the railing, his knuckles turning white from the strain.
Just as he felt he could no longer hold on, a voice suddenly echoed in his ears—gentle and steady, calm yet imbued with a warm strength.
"Don't look down. Look ahead. There are mountains in front, clouds above, and wind in the distance."
He slowly opened his eyes, gazed at the mountains before him, and continued walking forward.
Standing on that square platform, he recalled the words Zhou Wan had once said to him.
"Lu Xixiao, from now on, always look forward and aim high."
"Don't look back, Lu Xixiao."
"You should witness the vastness of the world, walk the broad and bright path, find joy every day, and have peace year after year."
...
Zhou Wan was the one who least believed in his feelings.
Yet she was also the one who understood him best.
Long ago, she had seen through his loneliness and helplessness, recognized his feigned strength and pretended recklessness.
So, in the gentlest yet most resolute way, she bid him farewell.
That day, Lu Xixiao descended from the "City Eye," left Pingchuan City, and flew to City B.
From that day on, he stopped his medication and never had another episode again.
Zhou Wan was his addiction.
And also his cure.
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