"I know that with my performance, if I continue staying in the village, without Muyang's help, I can't even complete my assigned tasks. If this goes on, forget returning to the city—I won't even survive in the village. And I ended up in this situation through no fault of Muyang's, because he never asked me to join him in the countryside. In fact, he kept urging me to settle in the suburbs. It was my stubborn insistence on accompanying him. When he said no, I thought he was just worried I'd suffer—who knew he genuinely meant it?" Ling Yi closed her eyes. "If he hadn't given his spot to me, I might not even be standing here talking to you."
Ling Yi didn't share the more specific details with Fei Ni—even now, she found them too shameful to voice. After Fang Muyang was recommended for university, she had contemplated suicide. Fang Muyang had never painted her, and she wanted him to draw her portrait before she died. Fang Muyang had no idea of her intentions, but given her desperate state when she asked him to paint her, he couldn't refuse. To make a lasting impression, she decided to request something unconventional. That day, all the Educated Youth had gone to see a movie. She stopped Fang Muyang, and after everyone else left, she bolted the door and began unbuttoning her clothes one button at a time. She asked if he had ever painted a nude before—now was his chance. Once finished, he could burn or bury the painting as he pleased; she wanted him to remember her at her best, unforgettable for the rest of his life. Fang Muyang didn't pick up his brush. Instead, he turned and walked toward the door. Closing it behind him, he called out that he was going to the movies—whether Ling Yi joined him or not didn't matter, since she'd have easier access to films once she started university.
With Fang Muyang's assistance, Ling Yi managed to complete all her assigned tasks on time and in full. In the eyes of the locals, she became a model example of successful re-education—transforming from an intellectual youth who fainted from heatstroke on her first day of labor into a genuine worker. When Fang Muyang recommended her, few opposed it.
Fei Ni desperately wanted to ask: Back then, you were willing to accompany Fang Muyang to such a remote place for rural work, so why later, when your university and the hospital were so close, didn't you ever visit him? Why did I have to wait for hours at your school just for one brief meeting, after which you vanished completely? But before the words left her mouth, she already knew the answer. Before going to the countryside, Ling Yi had never truly experienced hardship—not even witnessed it up close, and whatever she did see was glossed over with a romanticized veil. Someone like Fei Ni, who had grown up watching her parents struggle, would never follow a mere crush to a distant rural post for love—at most, she might send them some anonymous snacks, afraid of giving them the wrong idea. Those unaccustomed to suffering tend to exaggerate its impact once they encounter it; afterward, they avoid even the sight of it. Moreover, the Fang Muyang she had followed back then was perceptive and capable of solving her problems—not the one lying in a hospital bed, unable to help and potentially a burden.
"I was never his ex-girlfriend. Before you, he never had any girlfriend. He has always liked you. So, could you please help clarify in the newspaper that the article was inaccurate?"Ling Yi squeezed these words out from between her teeth, her head lowered the entire time. Even she herself felt this request was somewhat shameless.
If even one key piece of information in an article is severely inaccurate, the credibility of the entire article becomes highly questionable. If something as fundamental as whether there was a previous girlfriend could be wrong, how much more so for other details? Even if other details were true, no one would fully believe them anymore.
This point, Ling Yi knew, and Fei Ni knew as well—she didn’t entirely believe Ling Yi’s words.
“I have no reason to lie to you about something like this. He loved painting so much, yet he never painted a single portrait of me.” She would rather Fang Muyang had once liked her than admit she had been indulging in wishful thinking. Ling Yi spent months reflecting on her interactions with Fang Muyang and realized he had never liked her. It had always been this way, ever since they were young. Back then, he would rather sketch the elderly gatekeeper than paint her portrait. Even when he did include her in a painting, she was merely the background for a cat, without even a face. She cried looking at the cat in the painting, and Fang Muyang tried to comfort her with a bracelet woven from plastic threads. She thought he had made it especially for her and treasured it for a long time, only to learn much later from Fang Muyang himself that he had bought it. Fang Muyang even said that if she liked it, he could buy her two more, but he had to make one thing clear upfront—no bargaining. Ling Yi’s first reaction was that Fang Muyang had been cheated. Although Fang Muyang was usually mischievous and prone to pranks, he would never deceive a girl out of money. Even if he did deceive, it would only be boys much older than him. She refused to buy it, and Fang Muyang let it go. Later, she mistook Fang Muyang’s pity for her during her hardships as affection. No matter how much Fang Muyang advised her to settle in the suburbs, she insisted on going with him. Before going, she hadn’t anticipated how harsh the environment would be, but even if she had, she would have gone anyway. At the time, she believed that love could conquer all and triumph over everything. Only after arriving did she realize that her feelings for Fang Muyang could only overpower her feelings for other boys; they couldn’t overcome anything else—neither the hardships of the environment, the grueling labor, nor her confusion about the future.
Before she went to the countryside, she admired people who were talented but didn’t take their talent seriously, like Fang Muyang, who casually sketched on straw paper from woven bags. After going to the countryside, she found that the talent she once admired had become utterly useless. Not only did others look down on it, but she herself no longer saw it as any kind of skill. Playing the violin well was far less useful than handling a saw skillfully. Coincidentally, Fang Muyang also learned carpentry, painted for the locals, and handled physical labor competently.
Before and after going to the countryside, she liked two entirely different types of people, and Fang Muyang happened to embody both. That’s why she was able to continue liking Fang Muyang. If Fang Muyang had only known how to play the violin and paint, he would have been completely useless in the countryside, and Ling Yi would never have liked someone like that. She liked Fang Muyang at every stage of his life, except when he was ill—a fact she sometimes didn’t even dare admit to herself. Yet, at no stage of her life had Fang Muyang ever liked her."Muyang said... he's very grateful it was you taking care of him, not me. He liked you from the very beginning and even wanted to go work in the countryside with you. But you told him you still needed to continue your studies and wouldn't need to go work in the countryside later. That made him feel he wasn't good enough for you. When you later came to the hospital to care for him, it was completely unexpected joy for him. Even if it had been me taking care of him, he wouldn't have married me. He never liked me - when people used to tease that we were a couple, he always denied it."
Fei Ni recalled that Fang Muyang had indeed asked her where she wanted to go work in the countryside. She had said she needed to continue her studies. At the time, she thought Fang Muyang was just making casual conversation and had probably asked many people the same question.
Could it be that Fang Muyang had genuinely wanted to go work in the countryside with her? But even if that were true, she would never have gone. Ling Yi's behavior of going to work in the countryside with Fang Muyang without even checking the details was something Fei Ni could never imagine doing in her entire life. And Ling Yi accepting the university spot Fang Muyang gave up yet not visiting him regularly in the hospital - that was also something Fei Ni would never do.
"Do you think I'm making excuses, trying to justify why I didn't go to the hospital to care for him? I don't completely believe what he said either. He did like you before, but that liking wasn't even enough to make him choose to work in the countryside somewhere close to you. As soon as you said you weren't going, he picked the most remote place, not caring whether you'd ever see each other again. When you weren't around, he managed just fine in the countryside too."
Fei Ni and Fang Muyang's relationship had developed in the hospital. If it had been her taking care of him, even if Fang Muyang hadn't liked her before, spending time together would have made him develop feelings for her. When Fang Muyang said he was grateful, eighty percent of it was probably because he was very satisfied with his marriage to Fei Ni, but the remaining twenty percent was to give her conscience an excuse to feel better.
Ling Yi never did explain why she didn't visit Fang Muyang. This was something she could only apologize for, not explain.
"If only college entrance exams had been held back then, I wouldn't have taken Muyang's spot." Although she wouldn't have scored as well as Fei Ni, with her ability she could definitely have gotten into university. She would have attended school properly and legitimately. But the times and fate had tested her, forcing out her worst side. If there had been normal college entrance exams, both she and Fang Muyang would have gone to university. She would have remained a girl unaware of life's hardships, showing everyone her gentle side, and ingratitude would have had nothing to do with her. But fate didn't just test her - it tested others too. The facts proved that hers wasn't the only possible choice. She couldn't justify her actions with complete confidence.
Fei Ni and Ling Yi were definitely not the same kind of people, but what Ling Yi said was exactly what Fei Ni had been thinking all along.
She had always hoped college entrance exams would resume earlier. But if exams had never been canceled, would she and Fang Muyang still have gotten married?
The answer was probably no.
Ling Yi didn't get a definite promise from Fei Ni to clarify things, but she didn't dare and couldn't ask a second time.
Suddenly, the two of them had nothing left to say. Ling Yi couldn't help but ask the question she had been pondering: "Why did you go to the hospital to take care of Fang Muyang?" She had thought of countless reasons, but none completely convinced her.If Fei Ni didn't want to answer at this moment, she should have retorted, "Why don't you go take care of Fang Muyang?" She genuinely pondered the question: "If I don't go to the hospital to care for him, I will definitely regret it."
Everything Fei Ni said was true, though not entirely complete. In the past, she would have regretted it because even if there was only a one-in-a-thousand chance of being recognized as an exemplary student and gaining university admission through caring for Fang Muyang, she had to try—not trying would have been her regret. Now, her regret stemmed from her complete unwillingness to lose this husband.
Fei Ni had no regrets; it was Ling Yi who was filled with remorse.
Ling Yi said nothing more and bid Fei Ni farewell. She wanted to apologize but remembered Fei Ni's words—whether to forgive or not was Fang Muyang's decision. Fang Muyang had long forgiven her, far too early. She didn't know if it was because he had seen her cowardice from the start or because he cared too little about her. Sometimes, she wished he had forgiven her later, or never forgiven her at all—that would at least prove he had once held expectations for her or cared about her. But these thoughts only surfaced occasionally.
As Ling Yi turned to leave, Fei Ni said to her, "If what you said is true, Fang Muyang will clarify it."
Ling Yi still didn't understand Fang Muyang well enough. He would never be moved by the male protagonists in such sentimental stories; he would only think them foolish. Especially if he were in that role himself—if it were true, he wouldn't want it publicized, and if it were false, he would certainly clarify it.
Ling Yi stood there, pausing for a long time, before finally uttering two words: "Thank you."
Fei Ni didn't hear those words; she had already turned and walked far ahead.
If she didn't hurry to the school gate soon, Fang Muyang would come looking for her inside the campus.
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