If the college entrance exam had been reinstated just one year earlier, giving Fei Ni another chance to change her fate, she would never have married Fang Muyang.
Fei Ni was the third child in her family. Since childhood, she had been in poor health, and her elder brother and second sister always doted on her. When the three of them shared an apple, she would eat half of it by herself.
Her brother went to Inner Mongolia as an Educated Youth right after graduating from high school. Originally, he could have taken over his parents' positions at the factory, but he couldn't bear to let his two younger sisters suffer. With only two factory spots available, he insisted on leaving them for his sisters. Fei Ni's second sister took over their father's position at the No. 2 Textile Factory, and two years later, Fei Ni replaced their mother at the hat factory, making hats.
After Fei Ni started working, she saved every bit of her monthly wages and grain tickets after contributing to the family's living expenses. Whenever she encountered Educated Youth from Inner Mongolia returning home for a visit, she would take out her saved money and grain tickets, go to the store to buy plain biscuits by the pound, and pack them into individual tin cans—one pound per can. She would wrap the cans in newly made clothes and exchange the remaining local grain tickets for national ones, asking someone to deliver them to her brother along with the biscuits and clothes. She even thoughtfully included a new towel and soap for him to wash his face. In every letter, her brother insisted that he had enough to eat and urged her not to send biscuits anymore—there were too many hungry people around, and they would just be shared out. He also told her not to send grain tickets, as he had his own means to get food, and not to send clothes either, since he barely bathed a few times a year, and good clothes would just go to waste.
In the sixth year of her brother's life as an Educated Youth, Fei Ni's second sister got married to a colleague from the No. 2 Textile Factory. Their parents had no objections, but Fei Ni disagreed, fearing that her sister would suffer after marriage. Her brother-in-law was the only son in his family, his father had passed away early, and he lived with his paralyzed mother in a single room in a tube-shaped apartment building.
Her second sister believed that emotional connection was more important than anything, but Fei Ni argued that emotions were a matter of the spirit—she could keep thinking of him without marrying him, but her physical body couldn't endure living year-round in the same room as a paralyzed elderly woman. Fei Ni's theory of separating the spiritual from the material failed to move her sister, who prioritized love above all. Like Columbus discovering the New World, her sister uncovered the hidden materialism beneath Fei Ni's innocent appearance.
Despite Fei Ni's objections, her second sister married the accountant. Fei Ni used her saved cloth tickets to buy a piece of fabric she had long coveted but never dared to purchase. This time, she gritted her teeth and bought it, then used it along with some buttons she had collected to make a dress and a blouse as wedding gifts for her sister.
Originally, the family of five had been crammed into a tube-shaped apartment of just over ten square meters, with one room partitioned into two. By the time Fei Ni entered middle school, the family began dividing the space by gender: she, her second sister, and their mother slept in the inner room, while their father and brother stayed in the outer room. After her brother left for the countryside and her second sister married, the home finally felt less crowded. Out of pity for their youngest daughter, her parents let her have the inner room to herself, while the old couple moved to the outer room.
The kitchen and toilet were shared, and even washing clothes at the water room meant being surrounded by crowds. Staying silent among so many people felt like a luxury, and Fei Ni passively learned to make small talk.
What she couldn't stand the most was the mixed smell of rapeseed oil and lard. Every evening during dinner, this odor would drift in from the hallway and seep into her nostrils.Only books could offer her some solace. The books sold in stores were limited to a few types, so she scavenged university textbooks from the old man who collected scrap, and after wearing them out, she began memorizing dictionaries. English and Russian dictionaries—she could even find amusement in the example sentences. Once, she unexpectedly discovered Shakespeare among a pile of scrap. Reading was her only pleasure; books held no golden mansions for her, and even though she had never ranked second in exams since childhood, she was never selected for the Worker-Peasant-Soldier university recommendations. At daybreak, she still had to make the same style of hats day after day at the hat factory. Sometimes she thought it might be better to join the Educated Youth in the countryside—at least the countryside was vast and not so cramped.
Propaganda claimed that the vast world offered great opportunities.
But it was just a thought; she had heard that villagers didn’t welcome Educated Youth coming to compete for their food. Her eldest brother in the countryside struggled even with basic sustenance. He had been sent down for seven years with no hope of returning to the city. She wrote to him, urging him to work hard and strive for a Worker-Peasant-Soldier recommendation to university.
When she wasn’t working, Fei Ni spent her time pedaling the sewing machine to make clothes for others. With the money she earned and the cloth tickets she exchanged, she made a dacron shirt for her mother and second sister, bought two pairs of nylon socks for her father, and sewed a blouse for her eldest brother to give to the village head’s daughter, hoping to increase his chances of a recommendation. She saved shampoo, snow cream, and soap for her brother to use as gifts, using only regular soap to wash her own hair.
The factory leadership talked to her, saying she had a chance to transfer to the factory office. But nothing came of it—someone else was transferred instead, the daughter of the finance section chief, a person who mispronounced "clear" as "track."” Some time later, the chief’s daughter was recommended for university. Fei Ni continued making hats at the hat factory.
Since the college entrance exams were abolished, universities had filled with many semi-illiterates who only had an elementary school education, Fei Ni thought resentfully. But if given the chance to be classmates with these semi-illiterates, she would gladly accept.
No one gave her that opportunity.
Even though she knew two foreign languages, English and Russian, could recite Shakespeare’s sonnets, and had self-taught calculus, no one recommended her for university. And if others knew she was reading Shakespeare, they might label her as a backward element.
She read in the newspaper about a girl who, for two years, had persistently cared for a young worker from the same factory who was disabled in an accident. The girl was recognized as an advanced worker and received a university recommendation.
Fei Ni wasn’t a noble person, but if it meant going to university, she would willingly devote herself to caring for a stranger at her own expense.
She was tired of making hats every day; it wasn’t the life she wanted.
Fei Ni thought of Fang Muyang, who had also been rated as an advanced worker, and decided to visit her classmate in the hospital.
During her time as classmates with Fang Muyang, Fei Ni hadn’t liked him. Among those privileged youths, he was actually the most egalitarian. When others mocked children from worker families for their lack of sophistication and told Fang Muyang not to associate with them, he would retort directly, saying, “My great-grandfather was a ragpicker, the purest proletarian—who are you looking down on?” He always presented himself as the great-grandson of a ragpicker, making people forget his parents’ professions: his maternal grandfather had been a major capitalist, his paternal grandfather a great scholar, and tracing back five generations, all were notable figures who could appear in textbooks.He thought everyone was the same, but they weren't. Although Fang Muyang's clothes often had holes and were far less clean and tidy than Fei Ni's, and even the pocket money his parents gave him to experience life couldn't compare to Fei Ni's, he could learn painting from one of the country's best artists, be taught violin by the orchestra's concertmaster, watch special internal movies and internal magazines, read various banned books from outside, and shop at the Friendship Store open only to a select few.
This privilege lasted only until Fang Muyang graduated from elementary school. His parents were labeled as □□, and he became a □□ child. No one classified him as proletarian just because his great-grandfather had once been a ragpicker.
Fang Muyang no longer emphasized that he came from an ordinary family; ordinary families had become something unattainably high for him.
Like Fei Ni, Fang Muyang also had an older brother and an older sister. Both siblings were luckier than him, largely unaffected. His brother worked at a nuclear research institute, considered a scarce talent, and his sister was already in college before the college entrance exam was abolished. But with his poor class status, Fang Muyang couldn't go to university, join the military, or enter a factory. He was sent down to the countryside before even finishing junior high.
A turning point came half a year ago. Fang Muyang was on home leave but had no family to visit, so he stayed at another Educated Youth's home. A severe rainstorm hit, collapsing many small houses. He saved several people in the heavy rain but was injured by falling debris.
Because of his rescue efforts, he became a model worker and even made the newspaper.
Fei Ni and her former classmates visited him once, but there were too many people around him. She couldn't even see his face through the crowd.
This time, Fei Ni went to the hospital and bought walnut cookies as a gift. She had considered cutting a few flowers to bring but was afraid people would accuse her of bourgeois sentiment.
The ward was much quieter than she had expected.
This city produced heroes every moment; it was impossible for everyone to remember him. The hospital he was originally in had overcrowded wards, so last month he was transferred to this small hospital, where he had a room to himself.
Only the two of them were in the ward; his girlfriend wasn't there. Fei Ni finally got a close look at Fang Muyang's face. She had intended to give the walnut cookies to his girlfriend, but after half an hour, she still hadn't seen her. She had heard that Fang Muyang's girlfriend was a Worker-Peasant-Soldier University Student and that this recommended admission spot was given up by Fang Muyang.
Fei Ni didn't believe this story. She didn't think someone with Fang Muyang's background would have been recommended for university before his rescue act.
Fei Ni asked the nurse if anyone had been visiting Fang Muyang regularly lately.
The nurse said no.
She then asked about Fang Muyang's girlfriend, and the nurse said she hadn't heard of him having one.
Fei Ni guessed they must have broken up. If there were feelings, even if busy on weekdays, she should have visited on weekends.
Clearly, the nurse had been neglecting him recently. His hair and nails were too long, and he needed a shave.
She thought of the girl who was praised as a model and went to university.The next day, Fei Ni visited Fang Muyang again, bringing a pair of scissors to trim his hair and nails, and using her father's razor to shave him. She also brought Seagull brand shampoo and washed his hair using the hospital's basin. When water accidentally splashed into his eyes, she noticed his long eyelashes. After finishing all this, she soaked a towel in soapy water and wiped his face. He looked handsome again, though in these times, a man's good looks were utterly useless. She told the nurses that she came here inspired by Fang Muyang's heroic deeds and was willing to do everything she could to help him wake up.
From then on, Fei Ni went to the hospital every day after work to do good deeds, even on weekends. She was too eager to make progress, too eager to become an advanced worker, too eager to go to university.
To appear progressive and completely break with petty bourgeois tendencies, she hadn't made herself a single dress in recent years, even cutting her hair short.
No one wanted Fang Muyang to wake up more than she did.
Hearing that comatose patients needed communication, Fei Ni read to him during each visit. All were very progressive books. She transplanted flowers she had grown into small pots and transported them by bicycle. The hospital room's windowsill was filled with her flowers—kalanchoes of various colors.
Gradually, the nurses in the hospital came to know her. When the Office of Educated Youth sent someone to visit Fang Muyang, Fei Ni was reading to him. The hospital leadership introduced her touching deeds to the Office staff, moving everyone deeply. Yet her care hadn't produced substantial results, so she still wasn't qualified for advanced worker recognition.
Not many people visited Fang Muyang, but two beautiful women left a deep impression on her.
One was his sister, who offered her two hundred yuan before leaving. Fei Ni declined, saying that being able to care for a hero like Fang Muyang was her greatest happiness. She spoke so sincerely that the other believed her, finally telling Fei Ni after a long pause, "He's truly lucky to have you."
Fei Ni thought the currently bedridden Fang Muyang wasn't lucky at all.
The other was his girlfriend—though "ex-girlfriend" might be more accurate, since if Fang Muyang woke up, they might reconcile. Shrouded in sorrow, she stood by the window, strikingly resembling a portrait Fei Ni had seen by an unknown French painter. Fei Ni asked this former girlfriend what books and music Fang Muyang used to like. The books she read had no effect; she should read something he would enjoy hearing. Receiving no answer, she realized she had asked wrongly—what he liked were probably all "poisonous weeds," and mentioning them would be confessing to crimes.
After seeing off the girlfriend, Fei Ni began trimming Fang Muyang's nails, which had grown out again after just two days. His hands were thin and long, but much rougher, likely from frequent farm work in the countryside. As she cut his nails, she told him how bitterly cold this winter was, how thick the ice at the entrance had formed, and how she had slipped and scraped off a large patch of skin before coming to see him today—yet she still came. She was just too eager to make progress. At twenty-two, if not recommended for university, she would still be making hats at the hat factory at fifty-two.
Making hats was honorable too, but she was completely unsuited for it. She wanted to go to school.
As she spoke, a tear fell into Fang Muyang's eye. Fei Ni wiped it with her finger, brushing against his long eyelashes. She said to him: "Hurry up and wake, or your girlfriend will run away."
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