Her heart ached dully—same formula, same flavor, completely unsurprising. She had once built immunity to this pain, yet now its sudden return still managed to pierce her accurately.
Since childhood, her mother had always spoken this way—distant yet present, never offering excessive attention. Hu Xiu often wondered why her father claimed to love her yet acted nothing like it, while her mother showed tenderness but never spoke of love—as if bestowing too much parental affection would make her push her luck.
Consequently, her ability to perceive love remained stunted.
Her mother wore a thin black sweater, seemingly fuller than before. Two years apart had rusted even maternal intimacy. The conversation lingered on childhood anecdotes before lapsing into silence after two sentences.
Their chopsticks collided, both hands recoiling instantly—awkward. Hu Xiu calculated staying just two nights before leaving promptly, already pulling up her return flight on the phone.
The radiator blazed fiercely. Mid-meal, her mother suddenly rummaged through a cabinet and produced a cartoon-themed loungewear set placed ceremoniously on the stool—a formal welcome.
Seated on the sofa after bathing, their conversation died. Her mother turned on the TV before retreating behind a closed door to make calls.
Hu Xiu had no interest in the Spring Festival Gala previews, quietly observing the home instead.
The renovation and furniture were dated—ninety square meters with north-south bedrooms, a Blooming Flowers and Wealth wall decal standard for northeastern households.
Likely purchased directly from previous occupants, the old furniture remained as her new decor.
Her mother once loved fresh flowers and vibrant colors, traveling to Jiangning flower markets before New Years. Now she seemed to have shed such extravagances—the room stood tidy and minimalist, leaving only a half-finished Paint by Numbers canvas with uncapped paint tubes, and a heated aquarium where Butterfly Tail Goldfish swam. Beside it, a storage box held cotton swabs, tissues, and... Paroxetine.
Perhaps that night of discarded belongings had taught her vigilance—to never be driven away so disgracefully again. With simple luggage, expulsion would feel like mere travel weariness. Hiding this far away, her father’s retaliation could no longer shred her completely.
Drowsy on the sofa, her phone vibrated. Zhao Xiaorou’s New Year greetings lit up the group chat—Xi’an bustling with energy, her video showing lanterns at the Giant Wild Goose Pagoda, her festive shouts competing with gongs and drums.
Li Ai had also returned home, posting photos of floor-to-ceiling windows and cityscapes. His family relocated to the new district, sharing tea around a ceremonial table—
These were indeed his rare coffee-free days. Moreover, this oft-troubled man still hadn’t mentioned reconciliation, merely arranging Zhao Xiaorou’s itinerary while slowly studying design cases himself.
As for the other five-person group with Ma Liang—silence prevailed. Ma Liang posted no New Year’s Eve feast photos, only extending holiday wishes. When Zhao Xiaorou asked about local specialties in Fengxian, he replied: “A land abundant in diligent, devoted men.”
Zhao Xiaorou called him tacky. Ma Liang’s banter continued: “Did I ever mention? There was an advertiser named Cuixi who never got over me—even offered to buy me a house. But I felt I’d burden her—just a poor guy after all. Among all my admirers, she’s the most unforgettable.”
The world is too small...After a long wait, Diao Zhiyu's training ended and he sent a message: "Where are you?"
Hu Xiu sent her location. She hadn't realized how far she was until she shared it - it felt like the ends of the earth.
"You went that far?"
"I came to see my mom."
"No wonder. I went to knock on your door, mentally prepared that you might not be home, but I never expected you'd already reached the Northeast."
"Did the training end early?"
"Yes. Sneaking in some time for New Year's - I was going crazy cooped up in the rehearsal room. If you weren't in Shanghai, I'd probably return to Shenyang too. We only have four days off, training resumes on the fourth day of the new year. Have you set off any firecrackers?"
"My mom is from the south, probably not interested." The fireworks and firecrackers outside the window never stopped, "And my coming might have disturbed her..."
"Your family relationships seem a bit complicated. I heard some things from Zhao Xiaorou before. Once when I took her home after she drank too much, she told me about you."
Hu Xiu immediately became tense: "When was this?"
"Around Christmas. We drank at her place until dawn, she was completely wasted because of Li Ai.
I was afraid she might choke on her own vomit, so I sat by her bed all night, only daring to drink hot water.
Then she took off her bra, changed into a T-shirt, sat on the bed and explained the 19-year platform content plan to me, and also talked about you - completely drunk yet spirited. So I know a bit about your situation."
Hu Xiu didn't know whether to laugh or cry. When Zhao Xiaorou got drunk, her behavior became bizarre and eccentric enough to make people tremble and dogs detour.
Seeing Hu Xiu hadn't replied, Diao Zhiyu added: "I didn't see anything, she changed under the covers and threw her clothes out. And I sat very far away, without my glasses..."
"No need to explain, I didn't misunderstand anything." Hu Xiu felt warmed by Diao Zhiyu's lengthy explanation. After a few minutes, she sent: "Actually... I kind of miss you..."
Just as she said this, her mother came out of the room and saw Hu Xiu sitting in the living room with a silly smile, immediately understanding.
Hu Xiu put away her phone, about to make small talk with her mother, when she heard: "It's about time, let's go to sleep."
It was only ten o'clock. But now, looking at her mother washing her hair and applying face cream, Hu Xiu felt her mood wasn't so gloomy anymore. The distance between them was probably because they hadn't seen each other for too long and had little in common. Maybe it would be better tomorrow.
Lying in the north bedroom, Hu Xiu tossed and turned, unable to sleep due to the loud firecrackers and unfamiliar bed.
Leaning by the window watching the snow-covered city, even in the darkness, the vast whiteness bathed the small town in a deep glow. At the edge of vision was the pitch-black night sky, where fireworks continued to bloom in sudden clusters.
What version of the past Zhao Xiaorou had told Diao Zhiyu remained unknown, but in reality, the peculiar mother-daughter relationship had never changed since childhood.
Since following her mother around like a little mushroom, Hu Xiu had often seen her spacing out, her delicate heart seemingly forever bound by melancholy thoughts, rarely laughing cheerfully.
After failing the entrance exam for the Affiliated Elementary School of Central Conservatory of Music, Hu Xiu barely got into Nanwai through art specialties. While her father constantly urged her to work hard, her mother beside her hardly spoke, like a plant transplanted into the wrong soil at the dinner table.
During her first growing pains in adolescence, when leg cramps kept her awake at midnight, she overheard her mother and father's conversation for the first time.
Even when arguing late at night, her mother's voice remained gentle: "If you don't love me, please let me go."That night, she felt as if she had been betrayed and didn't speak to her mother for months.
Memories might have been distorted and altered over time. Looking back now, their marriage might have been a tragedy from the start, and she wasn't the only victim.
After falling asleep and waking up again, Hu Xiu found her mother sitting quietly by the bedside, watching her. One leg was propped on the edge of the bed, suggesting she had been there for a while.
The comb marks along her hairline had turned pale, and her hairline had noticeably receded. She had aged. After a long silence, her mother finally spoke: "Are you having trouble settling in?"
"It's alright..."
"Do you want to move to the south bedroom? There might be a mattress there, softer. This room has hardly been used. The last time the bedding was aired was in early autumn, so it might feel a bit damp."
"It's fine..."
"You seem... thinner."
"I don't have much appetite..."
"You're exactly like I was when I was young. I didn't like talking much either, even to people I liked. I've changed a lot since then—now I say whatever comes to mind. Even when drinking with strangers, I can chat casually." Her mother patted her leg. "Well, I'll head back to the south bedroom to sleep. Call me if you need anything."
That late-night check-in actually put Hu Xiu at ease, and she slept more soundly.
Early the next morning, she was awakened by firecrackers. When she opened the door, she saw a man standing outside wearing a brown leather jacket, with a crew cut and salt-and-pepper hair. He looked energetic and was briskly stacking New Year's goods inside the house: beer, nuts, seafood...
His heavy northeastern accent was unmistakable, his voice raspy: "Since the girl's here for the New Year, make sure she has a good time. I'll be at my mom's playing mahjong and eating dumplings. I'll come see you in a few days."
Her mother stood by the shoe cabinet: "I really didn't expect it, but spending New Year's with her dad would probably be suffocating for her too."
"You both have issues when it comes to raising a child. Everyone dotes on their daughters, but you two act like you're avoiding a landmine.
Don't run away from this. No child doesn't love their parents. Since she's here, have a proper talk."
As he finished, he looked up and noticed Hu Xiu standing at the bedroom door, greeting him. He grinned, revealing teeth stained by smoking: "Speak of the devil. Southern kids really are delicate, like little kittens, so slender."
The barrage of northeastern dialect made Hu Xiu a bit uneasy. Her mother seemed equally embarrassed and didn't introduce him, simply gesturing for her to sit down and eat.
The man waved his hand and stepped outside, bidding a straightforward farewell. Her mother's expression brightened noticeably: "Sorry about that. My boyfriend."
"Only you, Mom. You're so charming."
"At this age... Fine, I'll admit it. I am charming." Her words carried a hint of a northeastern accent, making Hu Xiu laugh.
Her mother seemed much more relaxed than the previous night: "It's New Year's Eve. Is there anything you'd like to eat?"
"Not really..." Hu Xiu felt increasingly restless in the house. "I'm going back to Shanghai on the second day of the New Year."
"So soon? That's the day after tomorrow."
"Work is busy. I want to go back early and rest." Hu Xiu thought to herself that her presence was interfering with her mother's relationship—it really wasn't right.
Her mother was clearly in better spirits: "Do you want to go out for a walk with me? Some shops are still open in the morning. We can buy things you like and come back to celebrate the New Year."
They went out to shop for New Year's supplies, carrying bags of groceries as they walked. The snow made the ground slippery under their feet, and it was bitterly cold.
She was wearing her mother's cotton pants, so bulky she could barely lift her legs, yet she found a childlike joy in it.Mother finally regained her maternal instincts, chatting with her about this city—small, quiet, with low living costs, simple interpersonal relationships, and a dialect that was easy to understand.
Yet when encountering acquaintances outside, she seemed reluctant to introduce her daughter, brushing off neighbors' inquiries with vague farewells. Hu Xiu watched her mother's stubborn back—never mind.
Firecrackers outside crackled incessantly, rumored to last until late into the night. After both had some drinks and returned to their rooms, before Hu Xiu could fall asleep, her mother slipped into her bed like a mischievous child, grabbing her arm—ah, she’d forgotten, this habit of holding hands was inherited from her mother.
Perhaps Mother didn’t actually want to sleep with her, but was just accustomed to holding someone’s hand. Feigning nonchalance, Hu Xiu asked, "How have you been these past two years? How’s work? Any boyfriend? And Dad... is he okay?"
Jolted awake by the three questions, Hu Xiu tightened her grip on the blanket: "Working at the hospital, extremely exhausting. I handle both administrative duties and translation work—sometimes so busy I don’t get a day off all week. And yes, there is a boyfriend..."
"Any relationship troubles?"
"None. He’s quite handsome, and the most troublesome phase is already behind us."
"Like what?" Mother seemed genuinely curious. "I’m quite skilled at romance—tell me about it."
"Two outstanding men pursued me simultaneously. One is an actor, five years younger than me, exceptional and treats me well. The other is a highly regarded doctor at the hospital, young and promising, a rising star...
Everyone thought I should choose the latter—even Dad still thinks so—but I chose the actor."
A sly glint flashed in Mother’s eyes. "You have good taste."
"Huh?"
"Young people’s emotions are pure; after a few trials, they become tainted. Relationships past thirty are dull, vulgar, and overly rigid—everyone tries to force you into predefined boxes."
"They probably think doctors are more suitable for marriage..."
"Marriage is useless."
"Mom, that’s not how you’re supposed to advise people."
"Love vanishes after marriage. People drag each other into the mud, and everything becomes as dreary as chaff.
After giving birth to you, I longed for divorce every day. Many urged me to endure for your sake.
When you were four, we went to Xuanwu Lake, and you threw a tantrum for a plastic water bottle sold at a street stall.
I only had eight yuan left in my pocket—if I bought it, I wouldn’t have enough for the trip home. I gritted my teeth and paid anyway.
But on the way back, I desperately wanted to abandon you. When the bus reached Zhonghua Gate, I thought about leaving you by the wall and walking away. I wandered around hoping someone would take you. I cried all night under the city wall, pretending to be a pitiful soul just to feel free.
Watching from a distance as you clutched the bottle, grinning foolishly, completely unaware I was hiding, I hardened my heart. A voice inside kept asking: Would whoever picked you up know you wet the bed?
Would they understand what each cry meant? Would they take you to kindergarten? What if they maimed you and forced you to beg on the streets...
Terrified, I went back to retrieve you. But I cursed the entire way—having to endure your endless calls of 'Mommy' and your unreasonable demands, while your father didn’t love me either—does hearing this make you sad?"
More than sad. Hu Xiu sorrowfully withdrew her arm from her mother’s grasp, unwilling to let her touch it again.
Mother’s hand followed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world: "That’s all in the past. I’ve stayed by your side until your marriage, haven’t I?""Two years... and you refused to see me."
"I've grown old and tired, no longer wanting to constantly care for others. You never really depended on me much, so there was no need for me to bother you frequently. I knew you'd come if you missed me."
Under the lamplight, Mother's half-open eyes flickered with elusive emotions, like melting snow about to vanish.
She said, thinking of you and your father keeps me awake at night, it's agonizing—I'm sorry.
Mother and daughter lay side by side on the same bed, their memories unfolding like an accordion's creases, each fold worn and tattered.
As childhood memories surfaced in Mother's mind, she realized there were far more things she'd rather forget.
Propped against the pillow, Mother asked one final question—"How is your father doing?"
"Dad went to Shanghai a while ago to take care of a teacher named Tang. He only returned to Nanjing just before the teacher passed away recently."
"Tang Liqun?"
"Yes. How did you know?"
An unnatural smile flashed across Mother's face. After a silent pause and several seconds of hesitation, she said: "He hasn't changed one bit."
"Huh?"
"Still obstinately clinging to his delusions. That teacher had three students. The first two were sons from musical families—spoiled brats who refused discipline, making teaching difficult for him.
Your father was the disposable student. When the two senior students weren't around, the teacher would occasionally give your father extra lessons.
Your father genuinely believed Teacher Tang had shown him great kindness, when in reality it was just unwanted attention—throwing him scraps to keep him diligent.
'For a drop of kindness, return a spring of gratitude'—how perfectly this describes your father."
"Given Dad's personality of looking down on everyone around him, it's surprising he remained so loyal to his teacher."
"That's because your father—" Mother paused for a few seconds: "There's no point hiding it now. Your father had a crush on that teacher's daughter for years, never forgetting her even after she married and moved abroad.
Of course the teacher would never marry his daughter to a poor boy, but he treated your father like a half-son-in-law, always inviting him over for drinks during holidays."
Hu Xiu was stunned for a long moment: "And he was willing to accept that?"
"Devoted beyond reason. I was just the replacement he found after his heartbreak. Later, when he refused to divorce, I went through terrible suffering.
But then he left home, and my spring finally arrived. That uncle you met at home when you were seventeen—I liked him so much I was willing to leap out of my marriage for him. What happens once will happen again.
When your father returned and saw us, he told me we'd settle accounts after you got married.
I thought, to hell with him, anything's better than being a living widow at home. Later, when you were about to marry, I expected we'd wait until after your wedding to have this confrontation. I never thought he'd be in such a hurry."
"Mom, I'm tired."
She didn't want to continue the conversation.
Leaving her mother behind, Hu Xiu hid on the other side of the large bed, desperately trying to force herself to sleep. How pathetic—she wished she could immediately book a ticket back to Shanghai. But Diao Zhiyu had also returned to his hometown, and going back to her rented apartment meant facing four walls alone.
Don't take it personally with a mother who takes Paroxetine. Even so, she felt her throat tighten painfully beneath the covers.
So she had wanted to abandon me, because she found me painful, because she thought I wouldn't need her anymore as an adult...
Drifting into dreams, she saw her young mother wearing a white dress under a school uniform jacket, sitting on the platform by the exercise field swinging her legs, saying: "Hu Xiu, I did something bad. Promise to keep it secret, and I'll tell you."But keeping it secret wouldn't matter anyway—everyone knows... I don't like my daughter...
Waking up, she brushed her teeth listlessly. Her mother had gone out, leaving a note: "Milk in the microwave."
No appetite. Standing by the window, she gazed at the balconies of the neighboring building. Every household had window decals and colored lights—this festive little town made her feel like the only one not celebrating the New Year.
Her phone vibrated. It was Diao Zhiyu: "Awake?"
In low spirits, she mustered the energy to reply: "Yeah. How's home?"
"Just okay. The kids are too noisy. I'd rather see you than celebrate the New Year."
"Once you go back, you'll start training camp. We probably won't meet until March." After sending this, Hu Xiu nearly slumped in dejection.
"Not necessarily..."
"What do you mean? It's already the second day of the New Year. You return on the third day and rejoin the group on the fourth—your schedule is packed tight. Unless you're planning to come to Heilongjiang to see me."
"Right, I'm here. But how do I get to your place? I'm at the train station."
He actually came to see her?
Hu Xiu rushed out of the house, hailed a taxi, and headed straight for the station. The dilapidated cab crawled slowly through the snow. Sitting in the middle of the backseat, she tapped her legs impatiently while staring through the windshield, stomping her feet at every red light.
Why did the station have to be so far? Upon arrival, she sprinted nonstop to the exit and spotted Diao Zhiyu—nose red from the cold, asking for directions with his phone in hand. Under the clear sky, he seemed like a fantasy dropped into this city.
His fingers were too stiff to stretch properly. He warmed them against his neck, shook his phone, and finally looked up to see her. Smiling, he waved.
The tenderness in his eyes enveloped her like the surrounding snow.
She rushed toward him in hurried steps, nearly colliding with Diao Zhiyu. Reaching out, she cupped his icy face, hooked her ring finger behind his ear, and pulled his head firmly toward hers before kissing him deeply.
Oh no... She wanted him...
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