In the warm March spring, as willow branches sprouted new buds, Bei Yao walked beside Pei Chuan and whispered to him, "I'll tell you a secret."
"Mm."
"My mom is going to give me a little brother."
Pei Chuan looked somewhat surprised and glanced at her.
The young girl's steps were as lively as a fledgling swallow, yet her voice lowered: "At the latest, my brother will be born this month."
In 2004, the country had not yet relaxed the two-child policy and was still implementing family planning, allowing only one child per family. Slogans like "Fewer births, better upbringing, a happier life" and "Girls can also shoulder great responsibilities" were plastered across streets and alleys.
Zhao Zhilan, in her thirties and pregnant with a second child, had initially felt quite embarrassed. But seeing her daughter's unreserved joy, she settled down and once again felt the happiness of motherhood.
Zhao Zhilan had secretly discussed with Bei Licai: "Would Yao Yao overthink and be unhappy?"
"I don't think so," Bei Licai said, stroking his wife's belly. "When this child grows up, they can share a lot of the burden with their sister."
The couple decided to rent a place outside, telling others that Zhao Zhilan had returned to her parents' home for a visit. Once the child was born, they would honestly register the birth and pay the necessary fines.
Since she was already pregnant, they couldn't bear to abort it. This March was precisely the season for little Bei Jun's birth.
Pei Chuan asked Bei Yao, "How do you know it's a brother? What if it's a sister?"
Bei Yao thought to herself that she just knew. She brushed away a branch above her head: "I dreamed about it. It doesn't matter—if it's a sister, I'll love her just the same."
"Do you want it to be born?"
Bei Yao nodded vigorously, her eyes filled with a gentle, hopeful glow. Pei Chuan frowned.
"Aren't you afraid it will take away your parents' love?"
"No," she replied cheerfully. "He shares the same blood as me; we're family." In her memory, she recalled little Bei Jun's sturdy, adorable appearance, and her heart softened at the thought of the unborn child.
Overjoyed, the young girl asked him, "Pei Chuan, would you like a little brother or sister?"Bei Yao asked this with a hint of nervousness, because she knew that by high school, Pei Chuan's parents had long since divorced, and his father had found him a stepmother, who brought along a sister the same age as her."
In her previous life, Bei Yao hadn't been close to Pei Chuan and never knew how he felt about this sister.
"No," he replied indifferently.
"Oh." Bei Yao felt worried—how difficult it would be for him in the future.
When Bei Yao returned home, she happened to meet her father, who was carrying some daily necessities and about to leave.
Bei Licai said, "Yao Yao, you're back. I'm going to see your mom."
"Can I come along? I've finished my homework."
"Let's go. I'll lock the door."
Bei Licai had also bought a motorcycle in the past couple of years, while the Pei family's motorcycle had long been replaced by a rather impressive car.
Bei Yao sat on her father's motorcycle, the wind gently brushing against her cheeks. Today was March 24th, a Friday. Tomorrow would be the day little Bei Jun was born—at two in the morning. Even though Bei Yao knew this, she couldn't help but feel nervous.
Zhao Zhilan, with her large belly, gently patted her daughter's head when she saw her return from school.
After the family finished dinner, Zhao Zhilan frowned: "My water broke."
Bei Licai immediately said, "I'll take you to the hospital."Fortunately, it was her second child, so Zhao Zhilan wasn't panicked at all. "First take Yaoyao home. The contractions haven't started yet, it's still early." She then turned to Bei Yao, "Go home and sleep. Come to the hospital tomorrow to see Mom and your little brother or sister. Will you be scared staying home alone tonight?"
Bei Yao shook her head and encouragingly grasped Zhao Zhilan's hand.
That night, as Zhao Zhilan went into labor, Bei Yao prayed in her room for everything to go smoothly.
~
Rain began to fall that night, strong winds rustled the treetops, raindrops splattered everywhere, and intermittent thunder occasionally rumbled outside the window.
Meanwhile, on the fourth floor across the residential compound, a domestic drama was unfolding.
A week earlier, a high-end foreign lipstick had appeared in Jiang Wenjuan's purse.
Pei Chuan was the first to see it - the lipstick fell out of her purse. Jiang Wenjuan panicked momentarily and, under her son's silent gaze, nervously picked it up and put it back in her bag.
"Mom asked a colleague to bring it back for me."
He hadn't even asked yet, but she had already guiltily offered an excuse.
Pei Chuan didn't say anything. Very few people could successfully lie to his face. Unless he was willing to tolerate such lies.
He softly responded "Mm" and wheeled himself away. Even now, he still wanted a complete family.
But you can't wrap fire in paper - it wasn't long before Jiang Wenjuan confessed to Pei Haobin herself.
The master bedroom light was on. Jiang Wenjuan said, "Let's get a divorce. I've fallen for another man - he's a doctor at our hospital."
Pei Haobin, an outstanding police detective, still felt like the sky was falling when faced with his wife's emotional affair: "Jiang Wenjuan! How could you do such a thing? Are you still fit to be a wife, fit to be a mother? If I hadn't discovered those text messages on your phone, were you planning to make me wear the cuckold's horns forever?"
Jiang Wenjuan covered her face as tears streamed down. "I know I've wronged you and Xiao Chuan, but..." She paused, tears streaming absently past the corners of her mouth, "But who's to blame for all this? Since Xiao Chuan was four, every time I sleep beside you, I have nightmares all night. In my dreams, it's all bloody - I'm holding a pair of severed legs, crying until I go blind. And you're out fighting crime - I scream and scream, but no one can save me."
As the heavy rain poured down, Pei Chuan stood pale-faced behind the door, listening quietly.
"They severed Xiao Chuan's legs right in front of me..." She covered her mouth, sobbing painfully, "You fulfilled your career ambitions, while I suffered nightmares for years. You're a good detective, but you're not a good father."
Jiang Wenjuan laughed coldly, "I'm desperate. Every time I see Xiao Chuan, I remember what a cold-hearted man his father is - how he could abandon his wife and child for his country. In my dreams, I have everything - the first time my hands were chopped off, the second time my ears were cut off. Whenever I see Xiao Chuan's severed limbs... I..."
She alternated between crying and laughing, all the emotions suppressed over years of self-blame and pain finally erupting.
"I'm even... I'm even afraid to see him, but he's my Xiao Chuan!" Jiang Wenjuan's face was covered in tears. "All these years, Doctor Song has been giving me psychological counseling. You can say I'm irresponsible, you can say I'm cheap, but I really don't want to live this nightmare anymore."
The strong wind knocked a potted plant off the windowsill, the clear shattering sound startlingly loud in the night.Pei Haobin slumped by the window, wiping his face with his hand. Tears seeped through the man’s fingers: "I'm sorry."
Jiang Wenjuan sobbed hysterically, burying her face in the quilt to muffle the sound, afraid it would reach their son next door.
In the pitch-black room, Pei Chuan held a cup of cold tea that had originally been brewed for Jiang Wenjuan.
His eyes were devoid of any light. Only after a long while, amid the woman’s suppressed weeping, did he push his wheelchair toward his own room.
He did not turn on the light in the darkness.
Groping his way onto the bed, he watched the lightning and thunder outside the window.
Some people could never be held onto, no matter what. Even though he had silently told himself to forgive his mother—that if he eased her worries, everything would get better.
But what she feared…
He closed his eyes. It was him.
As long as he, this cripple, existed, his mother would never sleep soundly. How laughable.
Pei Chuan felt cold—a quiet, cruel chill that enveloped the world. His disability had become his mother’s nightmare, while he, still young, only vaguely remembered the pain. What lingered more vividly in his mind were the complex, pitying looks people gave him.
He had thought that by losing his legs, if he studied hard, obeyed his parents, and someday contributed to society with his own hands, he could still make them proud, like other children.
But none of it mattered. As long as he lived, he would remain a badge of shame in his father’s life and a terrifying nightmare for his mother.
The wind howled violently, like a cry of agony. The young wintersweet tree in the courtyard, which had bloomed only once, snapped and fell silently into the dark night.
~
On March 25th, a baby weighing a full seven jin lay swaddled in blankets.
Bei Yao had waited eagerly all night and was taken to the hospital early in the morning by Bei Licai. He chuckled and said, "You guessed right—it really is a boy." Worried his daughter might misunderstand favoritism, he quickly added, "When this little guy grows up, he’ll be a bodyguard for our dear Yao Yao."
Her clear, bright laughter rang out in the morning breeze.
Little Bei Jun was wrapped in a small cotton-padded jacket prepared in advance. The temperature had dropped overnight, so he needed to stay warm. Zhao Zhilan lay on the maternity ward bed, smiling warmly. "Come see your brother—he’s sleeping right beside me."
Bei Yao leaned in. The newborn’s face was red and wrinkled, no bigger than half a palm, hardly what one would call cute or handsome.
Yet his tiny nostrils breathed strenuously, each gasp a testament to the effort and resilience of life at its earliest stage.
Bei Yao’s eyes softened with tenderness as she smiled at him.
"Mom, what’s his name?"
"Your dad and I discussed it earlier—his official name will be Bei Jun. Do you want to give him a nickname?"
Bei Yao’s almond-shaped eyes curved happily. "The official name is great—protecting the home and defending the nation. We can just call him Junjun as a nickname."
Zhao Zhilan smiled. "I thought the same."
Though the arrival of a new child was a joyous occasion for the Bei family, it also brought a significant burden. Bei Yao’s grandmother came to help care for the baby and wash diapers. The small hospital room buzzed with activity as the family gathered around the new life.
In 2004, few families could afford disposable diapers. Most of the Bei family’s savings had been lent to an uncle who had caused an accident, and it was uncertain when the money would be repaid. Little Bei Jun had to use cloth diapers, which were washed repeatedly, sterilized with hot water, sun-dried, and reused.Zhao Zhilan didn't have much breast milk, so once Bei Jun grew a bit older, he would likely need to drink formula.
Bei Yao also helped take care of her younger brother. Within a few days, Zhao Zhilan was discharged from the hospital and returned to their rented home.
Both Zhao Zhilan and Bei Licai were thinking of waiting until the child was a bit older before registering his household registration and returning home.
Having a second child would incur a fine of tens of thousands of yuan, making their expenses unimaginably high.
Bei Licai said guiltily, "Yao Yao, I won't be able to buy you new clothes this summer. Next summer, when Dad gets his salary, I'll buy you new clothes, okay?"
Bei Yao slung her backpack over her shoulder, smiled, and shook her head. "Doesn't Cousin Xiao Cang have some old clothes? They're quite pretty and still look new. I can wear hers. My brother is young, so he needs better-quality clothes. Oh, and summer is almost here—we should buy him some prickly heat powder too."
Bei Licai patted his daughter's shoulder affectionately.
Bei Yao knew her parents weren't the type to favor boys over girls, so she didn't mind at all. She walked briskly to school, eager to quietly share the news of her brother's birth with her close friends.
When Bei Yao arrived in the classroom, Pei Chuan was already there.
The faint morning light fell on the boy's pale, aloof face. Even without speaking to him, Bei Yao could sense the profound chill emanating from him. He seemed like a traveler who had stood in a snowstorm for two days and two nights—so cold he seemed devoid of human warmth.
Seeing how thinly dressed he was, Bei Yao quickly unzipped her backpack, took out her pink water bottle, and placed it on his desk.
Both Pei Chuan and Bei Yao were diligent students. When they arrived, only a few classmates were scattered around the classroom.
Hearing the noise, Pei Chuan's unfocused eyes finally settled on her water bottle.
She was holding her backpack, zipping it up. Unaware of what had happened to him, Bei Yao spoke in her usual gentle morning tone: "Summer hasn't arrived yet. You should wear more in the mornings. There's hot water in the bottle—warm your hands with it."
Slowly, he reached out and cradled her pink water bottle.
Warmth traveled from his fingertips upward, bringing sensation back to his icy fingers. Her bottle had a cheerful, laughing Winnie the Pooh on it. Staring at it, he softly asked Bei Yao, "Has your brother been born?"
"Yes!" she whispered, leaning close to his ear. "I guessed right—it's a brother, not a sister. He's still so tiny."
Her voice brimmed with joy. Her breath was sweet, carrying the scent of breakfast milk and blooming lilacs.
"Pei Chuan, do you want to come see him with me after school?"
"No," he murmured. "Give this to him."
Pei Chuan placed a small bracelet in her hand.
Bei Yao stared blankly at the small silver bracelet in her palm. It was the smooth kind worn by infants, adorned with two tiny silver bells. It felt cold and heavy in her hand.
If not for its substantial weight, Bei Yao would have thought it was a toy bracelet imitation from a convenience store.
The bracelet felt scorching in her hand—it was the first time she had ever seen such an expensive piece of jewelry. Stuttering, she asked, "Wh-where did you get so much money to b-buy this?"
"Why do you care so much?" he said flatly. "It's for your brother." Didn't you eagerly await his birth?
Bei Yao didn't dare accept it. She was stunned by the pure silver bracelet. In an era where a pack of spicy strips cost fifty cents and an ice pop also cost fifty cents, how expensive must this little silver bracelet be?
Seeing her flustered expression, Pei Chuan said calmly, "Just tell your mom my dad bought it."
"I can't take this, Pei Chuan. Please take it back.""Just throw it away if you don't want it." He released her water cup, his tone flat and emotionless. As if it weren't a valuable silver bracelet, but insignificant trash.
Bei Yao wouldn't dare throw it away. She returned to her seat, her small face troubled as she secretly touched the substantial weight of the silver bracelet in her pocket.
Pei Chuan didn't look back to see how conflicted the young girl was. He opened his book but couldn't focus. Pei Chuan was slightly lost in thought.
His parents had respectable jobs, and their colleagues' families were all quite well-off. Therefore, Pei Chuan received generous pocket money every year. After saving for nearly ten years, he had nowhere to spend it. He likely had savings that would surprise most children.
Yet he had never given Bei Yao anything.
He quietly lowered his gaze. From the time he was five years old, never once.
When he was young, it was because he didn't know better. As he grew older, he understood he shouldn't give gifts. The lesson from Shang Mengxian had been profound enough - anything associated with the name "Pei Chuan," once touched by romantic implications, would become filthy and subject to ridicule.
Bei Yao prepared gifts for him every year - sometimes a peace knot, sometimes a toy gun for boys, or a self-made pillow.
The gifts he should have given her accumulated over the years, ultimately becoming just a bracelet for her family's newborn.
A bracelet without any implications, that wouldn't invite gossip or tarnish her reputation. Not even she would understand or overthink it.
After school, Pei Chuan still left without waiting for Bei Yao.
Watching the boy's receding figure, Bei Yao couldn't quite figure out if he was in a bad mood. As he grew year by year, "Unhappy Pei" had transformed into the more enigmatic "Profound Pei." She didn't even know how to understand what was happening to him, or how to comfort him.
Returning home, Bei Yao thought for a while, then took out the postcards her cousin Xiao Cang had given her and secretly wrote:
"UnhappyPei,
Areyousureyou-reokay？
Anythingonyourmind?"
(Pei Unhappy, are you okay? Do you have something on your mind?)
Bei Yao addressed the envelope to Pei Chuan, then went downstairs to the opposite house and dropped it into Pei Chuan's green mailbox.
Since the incident with Shang Mengxian, no matter what emotions Pei Chuan had, he never showed them in front of her. He seemed to have grown up all at once, while the girl who wanted to protect him couldn't keep up with his pace of growth.
Afraid she wouldn't know if he was upset, Bei Yao could only think of all kinds of clumsy ways to approach the aloof boy. She used simple words to ask him - if he didn't want to answer, he could treat it as an ordinary English practice game, so it wouldn't put him in an awkward position. Bei Yao hoped to receive his reply in her family's dust-collecting mailbox, knowing he went to check the mailbox every day for his fresh milk subscription.
However, spring passed without Bei Yao receiving any reply from Pei Chuan. Instead, little Bei Jun grew up, no longer red and wrinkled, becoming pink and adorable.
~
That letter was locked away by Pei Chuan in a box along with various other strange things - from yellowed bamboo dragonflies to a letter from March - all pressed to the bottom of the box, becoming everything that must be ignored and forgotten.
Although Jiang Wenjuan and Pei Haobin hadn't divorced yet, the relationship at home had already frozen over completely.On several occasions, when Jiang Wenjuan saw Pei Chuan, she would open her mouth as if to say something but ultimately remain silent. Instead, she would smile and ask how he was doing at school and which high school he wanted to attend after graduation.
Although Pei Chuan didn’t know the final outcome of their discussions, it wasn’t hard to guess—they probably planned to tell him about the divorce after his high school entrance exams.
How ridiculous.
A father who felt guilty toward him, a mother who had nightmares at the sight of him. Even they had their moments of consideration for him in the end. Everyone was doing their best to maintain the illusion of wholeness, and Pei Chuan played along.
But he knew clearly that his heart was cold, cold as a bottomless abyss.
In August, Jiang Wenjuan moved out. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she said to her son, "Mom has to go on a business trip and will be back after a while. Study hard, and is there anything you’d like as a gift?"
"No. Have a safe trip."
Under her son’s calm, profound gaze, Jiang Wenjuan felt a flicker of panic, but she still pretended nothing was wrong and left.
Pei Chuan knew she was eagerly rushing toward her "happiness."
Long after Jiang Wenjuan had left, Pei Chuan returned to his room. He pressed the red button in his hand, and a crackle of static came through the earphones.
A man’s amused voice sounded, "Why did it take you so long to get here?"
Jiang Wenjuan replied, "I had to explain to my son that I’d be away for a while. I told him I was going on a business trip."
"That’s not a good approach. You’ll have to tell him the truth eventually."
"I know, but he has his high school entrance exams coming up. Pei Haobin and I agreed to wait until after he’s finished."
"Then..." The man’s voice hesitated. "Who will your son live with after the divorce?"
There was a long silence on the other end.
Pei Chuan coldly pressed the end button, then destroyed the main control device for the eavesdropping equipment. For the first time, he hated his talent in electronics. He had clung to a last shred of hope, hoping Jiang Wenjuan really was leaving on a business trip. But his mother had abandoned him before he had even fully grown up.
These incomplete, nightmare-inducing severed limbs—he would never let anyone see them again in this lifetime.
OpenNovel