Against the Current

The next day, Xianglan swept the fallen leaves into a pile and buried them in the soil to make compost. Along the wall grew a row of chrysanthemums—golden, pinkish-red, silver-white, and deep purple. They were not rare varieties; some bloomed in full, round clusters like hydrangeas, while others had already withered, swaying in the wind. Xianglan trimmed away the dead branches and rotten leaves, then took a ladle to water them one by one. Noticing a cracked ceramic pot discarded in the corner of the room, she bound it tightly with cloth strips, transplanted a chrysanthemum into it, and placed it on the windowsill. It was cherry-red in color, with lush, glossy leaves and vibrant blooms like rosy clouds. The courtyard, which had originally appeared messy and desolate, now seemed a bit more spirited with this single chrysanthemum brightening the scene.

She busied herself with these tasks, and before she knew it, the morning had passed. After a hasty lunch, she spent the afternoon doing needlework by the window when she suddenly heard a knock at the door. Peering through the crack, she saw it was Bao'er and promptly opened the door, inviting him inside. Bao'er held a quilt in his arms and said to Xianglan, "The weather is gradually turning colder, and the dew is heavy at night. I found a thick bedding set for you."

Xianglan smiled and said, "You're always so thoughtful of me." As she spoke, she personally poured a cup of tea for Bao'er.

Bao'er merely gave an awkward laugh, stealing a few glances at Xianglan. When he noticed her looking back at him, he rubbed his hands together and chuckled dryly again.

Xianglan immediately sensed something was amiss and couldn't help asking, "Is something wrong?"

Bao'er hemmed and hawed, "Well... um... that..." After hesitating for a long while, he finally whispered, "Eldest Master... Eldest Master knows that Sister Xianglan is hiding here now..."

Xianglan was greatly startled and stood up. "How did he find out? What does he plan to do?" She glanced outside, then scrutinized Bao'er carefully. "Did he do anything to you?" she asked, pulling him closer to inspect him from head to toe.

Bao'er waved his hands repeatedly. "No, no... Eldest Master traced the pawned ring, and that's how it came to light. I told him why you left, and he just... went blank, like a wooden puppet. When he seemed to come to his senses, he... he became a different person. He hasn't had a kind word for anyone, and his temper is terrifying. He even beat up Master Liu and Master Xie. When Madam and Third Master went to reason with him, he just sneered and mocked them, making Madam cry. Then he started drinking—he was drunk from last night until this morning. When he woke up, he had a terrible headache, but he still didn't put down the liquor. No one dares to say a word to him..."

Xianglan was stunned into silence, murmuring, "How... how is this possible..." This was nothing like Lin Jinlou. That man always had an indomitable spirit; even if the sky were to fall, he would never succumb to self-pity or despair.

"It's true. Even Old Master was alarmed, but Eldest Master didn't seem to care about him either. He ignored Old Madam too, saying the household was too bothersome. He actually went out on horseback to find a place to drink and only returned just now. Because he was so drunk, he fell off his horse... I heard... I heard he broke his leg..."

Xianglan widened her eyes and asked urgently, "He broke his leg? Has the doctor been called? Was he injured anywhere else? How serious is the leg injury?"Bao'er gave a bitter smile and said, "I'm just a stable hand, how would I know such details clearly... I heard that the Eldest Master was still calling for wine while lying in bed, and Madam was crying before him, saying that he's tearing this family apart..." As he spoke, he stole a glance at Xianglan, cleared his throat and said, "Sister Xianglan, I don't mean anything else. The Eldest Master obviously won't come looking for you anymore, but him tormenting himself like this isn't good either, right? I know your difficulties, but as the old saying goes, 'Even if the business fails, the friendship remains'—ah, no, not that one... well... since you've known each other after all, why don't you go have a proper talk with him? Make him understand, part on good terms, so he stops destroying himself."

Xianglan sat in stunned silence for a long while, finally suppressing the storm of emotions in her heart. With difficulty, she spoke in a dry voice, "He doesn't want to see me again. Meeting would be worse than not meeting."

After a moment, Bao'er also said quietly, "Indeed. Someone like Sister Xianglan should be matched with a gentle, scholarly young man, not someone like the Eldest Master. But the Eldest Master's current state is truly pitiful... He won't even allow anyone to mention your name. When Madam said 'Xianglan,' he smashed his cup. Now he stays in the study all the time, not even returning to the inner residence..."

Xianglan's eyes reddened as she silently shed tears.

Bao'er sighed and stood up, saying, "It's getting late, I should head back. Even though the Eldest Master hasn't needed the horses these past few days, it's time for me to return and groom and feed them."

Xianglan rose to see him out. When Bao'er reached the door, he couldn't help but turn back and ask, "Sister Xianglan... are you going to see the Eldest Master?"

Xianglan sniffled and shook her head, saying, "I don't know."

After Bao'er left, Xianglan seemed to have lost her soul, absent-minded and distracted. She didn't eat dinner, just sat in a daze until lamp-lighting time. Leaning against the bedpost in a trance, whenever she closed her eyes she could see that last day with Lin Jinlou—him looking down, a smile at the corner of his lips as he said, "Don't worry about anything. Wait for me to come back, and I'll have a good talk with you." She had withdrawn her hand to straighten his collar and whispered, "Alright." Ever since leaving the Lin family, she had often recalled his expression from that day. She had refused to dwell on it, only realizing today with sudden clarity that deep in her heart lay profound regret. If she had known it would be their last meeting, she would have said more to him—but when she thought about what she might have said, she found herself at a loss for words, tears streaming down unconsciously.

She felt she was ill—now that her life was stable, she shouldn't be seeking out troubles. Between him and her lay an impassable chasm. Rather than becoming resentful partners through difficult days ahead, it was better to preserve this foot of space for longing. She understood this rationally, yet emotional attachment was hard to release, still assaulting her from time to time, piercing her heart with pain. Thinking about Bao'er saying Lin Jinlou had injured his leg made her heart churn even more. The wounds on his chest and arm had just healed—if his leg was troubled too, that would be troublesome. Was there any part of his body left unharmed? She wondered how serious the injury was. Could he have actually broken it?She grew increasingly restless, pacing in circles around the room as she turned the matter over in her mind. Suddenly, as if having made a resolute decision, a sense of calm washed over her. She dampened a handkerchief to wipe her face, picked up a robe from the bed, draped it over her shoulders, and pushed the door open to step outside. She went straight to the outer gate of the Hall of Flourishing Spring and knocked. She rapped the door knocker repeatedly, feeling the courage she had mustered nearly depleted, when an extremely impatient voice came from inside the courtyard: "Coming! Who is it?" The door creaked open a crack. Xianglan forced herself to appear composed and said, "It's me, Chen Xianglan. Please inform the Eldest Master."

The name "Chen Xianglan" was like a thunderclap in the Lin residence, though those stationed outside the inner gate rarely had the chance to see her. The gatekeeper's eyes widened instantly, fixed intently on Xianglan, his mouth agape in disbelief.

Xianglan repeated, "Please inform him."

The gatekeeper snapped out of his daze, exclaimed "Ah!" and scrambled inside in a fluster.

Xianglan stood at the doorway, her expression serene, though her knees trembled beneath her skirt. In the short span of less than a quarter of an hour, countless scenarios raced through her mind. The thought that Lin Jinlou might not even be willing to see her filled her with a tumult of emotions. Lost in her thoughts, she saw the door open. Shuangxi stood there, clearly having rushed over, panting heavily. His face lit up with delight at the sight of Xianglan, and he exclaimed repeatedly, "Madam, it's really you! Come in quickly." As he spoke, he ushered her inside, leading her to the study door. Shu Ran hurried over, clasped Xianglan's hands tightly, and said with a choked voice, "Where have you been all these days?"

Xianglan, however, had no time for pleasantries and asked, "Where is the Eldest Master?"

Shu Ran glanced toward the study and said hesitantly, "I just informed him, but the Eldest Master said he won't see you. He said since you left, you might as well have..." She trailed off, but Xianglan understood the implication—he likely meant she was as good as dead. Seeing the change in Xianglan's expression, Shu Ran quickly added, "The Eldest Master is drunk! He's not in his right mind!"

Xianglan nodded, forced a faint smile, and stepped toward the study. Shuangxi, startled, was about to call out to stop her, but Jixiang tugged at his sleeve and shook her head.

Xianglan pushed open the study door. The room was cold and dark, with only a faint candlelight visible in the inner chamber. Standing outside the curtain, her entire body trembled. The thought of facing Lin Jinlou again made her heart feel as though it would leap out of her throat. She took a deep breath and lifted the curtain. Inside, the room was adorned with madder silk gauze covering the windows, lotus-patterned bedding, and a small crimson table beside the kang, on which sandalwood incense smoldered and a mica screen stood. The opulence remained, but it was overshadowed by a heavy, gloomy atmosphere. The pungent smell of alcohol assaulted her senses as soon as she entered. Lin Jinlou was reclining on a mandarin duck couch beneath the carved vermilion window, leaning against a pair of mermaid silk brocade pillows. He wore a loose silk robe, his chest bare, and still held a jug of wine in his hand. Hearing the noise, he turned his head impatiently and snapped, "Who the hell gave you permission to—" But upon recognizing her, he froze, immediately averted his gaze, his broad shoulders tensing. He took a few deep breaths before gritting out through clenched teeth, "What are you doing here? Didn't you leave?"

"I did leave," Xianglan replied, her voice hoarse. She lowered her head slightly and whispered, "I... I have something to say to you. If you still want me to leave after hearing it, I will go."

Lin Jinlou turned back, his gaze fixed intently on Xianglan. He lifted the wine jug and took a sip. His expression was calm, but his eyes were sharp and his demeanor cold. "What is it?"Xianglan remained silent for a long moment, as if carefully weighing her words, yet also as if mustering her courage, before speaking: "There are things I've kept buried in my heart for a long time... I've been unhappy since the very first day I entered the Lin household as a maid. Over these past years, there have been far more days of tears than laughter. Though I knew in my heart I should let go of the grievances and bitterness, when faced with reality, how could one not feel agitated? There was a period when I grew despondent, unwilling to speak a single word, feeling hopeless about life and uncertain where to turn. But after going through trials, I came to my senses and told myself: live each day well. Even if nothing improves, time shouldn't be wasted in vain. Perhaps tomorrow will be even harder than today, but no matter how difficult, one must strive to be good. Looking back now after step by step reaching this point, these past years feel like a complete rebirth—utterly different from before..."

Lin Jinlou closed his eyes briefly, memories flashing rapidly before him. He said quietly, "I didn't know you've been suffering so much in your heart... So you still hate me, don't you?" He let out a self-mocking laugh, took a large gulp of wine, as if hating Xianglan but even more so hating himself. He shouted, "No wonder..." and violently threw the wine pot against the wall, where it shattered with a loud "crack."

Xianglan was startled but took a step forward: "Please let me finish." She paused, then continued, "Do you remember when I first left the Lin household for the Song family? I felt the sky was clear and the waters blue, carefree, able to hum songs every day. But this time, leaving brings me no such relief—only a sense of dragging out my existence, living quietly day by day..."

Xianglan's eyes were already red—this was the first time she had with great difficulty bared her heart to Lin Jinlou: "I don't know why it's like this. You were never a good man—always pressuring me, ordering me around, domineering and unreasonable, promiscuous and lustful, always bullying me... I only wanted to leave and live a peaceful life, but even that kind of life brings me no joy now. I've become a different person because of you."

By the end, her words were choked with sobs. Lin Jinlou remained expressionless, merely picking up another wine jar and drinking continuously. Xianglan wiped her tears with her sleeve, took a breath and said, "These past years I've constantly faced hardships—just as life showed slight improvement, I'd instantly fall into an abyss. Perhaps after so much disappointment, I've gradually learned not to hope for much. Though I faintly wish for better days ahead, I always feel good fortune won't come to me. So I simply stop expecting from the start, so there'll be no disappointment later—just like... just like when you say you love me."

Her lips trembling, eyes filled with tears, Lin Jinlou had become a blurry figure in her vision. She struggled to see him clearly but couldn't: "I come from humble origins, and likely won't be able to bear children in the future. As time passes, everything becomes wrong. I'm afraid these slightly better days will again be overturned by fate's unpredictability. I'm truly scared—I don't want to endure decades more of suffering. I... I love you too, but I don't dare and cannot say it, as if speaking it would bring eternal damnation."

As she spoke, she could no longer contain her sobs, tears falling like melon seeds. "I don't know what to do either, but when I heard you injured your leg, my heart felt like it was being fried in oil. I desperately wanted to come see you immediately—that's when I knew I ultimately had to return..."

Silence filled the room.Xianglan kept her head bowed low. Having poured out the words buried deep in her heart, she felt a momentary lightness and clarity, only to be overwhelmed by heartache and bitterness. Lin Jinlou remained silent. "Half a year has passed—he must be tired of me by now," she thought numbly, trembling so violently she could barely stand. Swallowing her humiliation, she fought back sobs and said woodenly, "Since Eldest Master is unharmed, I... I..." The words "I'll take my leave" stuck in her throat.

Suddenly, a tall, shadowy figure blocked the light ahead. A pair of boots came into view. Startled, Xianglan looked up, tears streaming down her face. Through her blurred vision, she couldn't discern Lin Jinlou's expression, but his steps were unsteady. He grabbed her, then seemed to lose his balance, burying his head against her chest before sliding to his knees. It was as if those few steps had traversed mountains and rivers, leaving him utterly exhausted and unable to stand.

Xianglan was speechless, letting her tears fall freely as she reached to stroke his neck and shoulders. Lin Jinlou shuddered violently, sprang to his feet, and cupped her face in his hands. In the candlelight, his expression was that of a man who had just battled against insurmountable odds—tormented, intense, and filled with such deep emotion it bordered on ferocity. "Do you know how I've lived these past six months?" he gritted out, though his touch remained gentle as he wiped her tears. "I felt less than human. Damn it, I wanted to strangle you!"

Before Xianglan could respond, Lin Jinlou pulled her hard against his chest. His embrace was like unyielding metal, while she was but a fragile piece of silk. With startling strength, he rubbed her back chaotically, as if she were a kitten. "I've long regretted how I treated you before. But what kind of heart do you have, woman? I promised to love and cherish you properly—why did you still run away? Even if you can't bear children, so what? The Lin family isn't relying solely on me to carry on the lineage. I'd rather suffer myself than let you endure hardship. My life is yours—why can't you understand my heart?"

Pressed against Lin Jinlou's chest, Xianglan felt both sorrow and relief at his words, sobbing even harder. "But you just drove me away..."

"I was furious, thinking I'd never see you again! Who knows what nonsense I spouted? If I really meant to send you away, why would I search everywhere for you? If you'd dared to leave then..."

Xianglan wept, "How could you be like this..."

"Like what? Fine, fine, it's all my fault. Don't cry—I'll treat you well from now on, I swear." As he spoke, he lowered his head to kiss her, murmuring, "Let's marry quickly, without delay. Then you won't be able to run away even if you want to..."

Xianglan felt breathless. Lin Jinlou's kisses were fierce and painful. She pushed weakly against him, trying to speak, but he effortlessly swept her into his arms, kissing her all the way to the kang before pressing her down onto it.

Her face flushed crimson as she struggled. "Wait..."Lin Jinlou had already torn open Xianglan’s lapels with both hands, catching a glimpse of the rouge-colored undergarment beneath her white gauze blouse, accentuating a stretch of snow-white skin and a faint, delicate fragrance. His eyes were bloodshot as he slipped his hand inside to caress and knead, planting delicate kisses on her tender cheeks and pale neck. Breathing heavily, he gasped, "I can’t wait any longer. I’ve missed you for half a year. If I wait any longer, I’ll die." As he kissed her, he murmured, "Do you miss me? Hmm? Tell me quickly, do you miss me?" With that, he entered her, trembling all over, gritting his teeth, unable to utter another word. Xianglan furrowed her brows, moaning softly as she buried her face in the thick bedding, her hands weakly clinging to Lin Jinlou’s back. Lin Jinlou’s muscles tensed, his movements growing increasingly fierce, beads of sweat rolling down his forehead. Xianglan felt dazed, her body trembling as stars danced before her eyes. Lin Jinlou collapsed onto her neck, panting uncontrollably.

When Xianglan came to her senses, she realized something was amiss and struggled, saying, "What about your leg? Didn’t you injure it?"

Lin Jinlou, like a well-fed cat, smiled triumphantly and pinched her nose. "Silly girl, I was tricking you. If I hadn’t said that, would you have come back? Would you have said you loved me?" He chuckled again. "You love me—I heard it all. Tomorrow, I’ll hang a golden plaque outside and even compose a poem to display in this room. I’ll remember this day for the rest of my life."

Xianglan stared in disbelief, overwhelmed with shame and anger, her face flushing crimson as tears streamed down again. She pinched and bit Lin Jinlou, crying, "How could you do this! How can you still bully me like this…"

Lin Jinlou laughed as he restrained her hands, leaning in to kiss her again. "I bully you because I care about you. Others who want my attention don’t even get the chance. This is my way of loving you, truly." He propped himself up, showering her face with tender kisses and sealing her lips with his.