Against the Current

At the same time, Xianglan held a broom sweeping fallen leaves in the courtyard. Raising her eyes to gaze into the distance, she watched the same sky as Lin Jinlou—a clear blue expanse with drifting clouds, the crisp autumn air refreshing and invigorating.

That day, Bao'er had supported her to rest at Guanyin Temple, saying, "Madam, rest awhile. Have some tea to calm your nerves. This humble servant will escort you back shortly."

But Xianglan remained dazed for a long moment before replying, "I no longer wish to return to the Lin Family. If you're willing to help me, please let me go."

Bao'er was startled and asked in astonishment, "Why?"

Xianglan gazed at the warm tea before her and said, "I've never found happiness in the Lin Family. I want to live a few days of peaceful, quiet life that brings me joy."

"What? But you enjoy fine food and drink daily, wear silks and satins, and have gold and silver maids attending to you—how can that not bring happiness?" Bao'er scratched his head. "I've heard Madam suffered grievances before, but now everyone in the household respects you. The masters all hold you in high regard, and the Master himself cherishes you. How could you—"

Xianglan responded, "When I first arrived at the Lin Family as a lowly maid and suffered bullying, no one would have believed I'd reach this position today. Just as no flower stays red for a hundred days, no person enjoys perpetual good fortune—who can predict what circumstances I might face in the future?"

"Madam is worrying unnecessarily—"

"I fear I may never be able to bear children."

"What?—So those rumors are true? Was it the Jiang sisters who—"

"The Master is the eldest son and heir—how can he be without descendants? Even if he overcomes all difficulties to elevate me, he'll inevitably take Concubines to continue the family line. I come from humble origins with no backing whatsoever. In the future, I'll be like duckweed drifting without roots. Moreover, this matter has caused discord between the Master and his father, displeasing the elders, making future days even more difficult. I believe the Master is sincere with me now, but human hearts are fickle. I've never dared to hope for too much. If things turn bad, I might end up with surface Grandeur but actual bitterness. If that happens, this wealthy mansion would be nothing but a cold, gilded cage—'Now I know what the caged bird feels, far from the woods where it was born, whose song once freely rang.'"

Bao'er stared dumbfounded, speechless for a long while before saying, "I don't understand Madam's scholarly poetry, but I grasp the meaning. When my sister became the Master's Bedchamber Attendant, our family thought she had risen in the world. Who could have predicted she'd end up in such circumstances? Even some powerful servants could bully her. It would have been better if she'd remained an ordinary maid—she might have kept her life. She died so tragically. If not for Madam, our family would have been destroyed—" His eyes reddened as he wiped them with his sleeve. After a pause, he continued, "But the Master truly cherishes you. The servants all say he even wants to marry you—" He stole a glance at Xianglan. "Can Madam bear to be so heartless?"

Thinking of Lin Jinlou, Xianglan also looked sorrowful, but then she remembered her sister Jialian. Yuan Shaoren had been completely sincere with her too, but ultimately, amidst human affairs and flying rumors, that sincerity was ground to dust. She and Song Ke had also once been deeply in love, yet in the end couldn't withstand the unexpected blows of fate. Shaking her head, she said, "Throughout my life until now, I've mostly considered others. Just this once, I want to think of myself. I've never had ambitions for glory or showiness—I simply want to live a few days of peaceful life—" Xianglan gave Bao'er a faint smile, a smile filled with much world-weariness and bitterness, yet her eyes shone bright as stars. "The Master—the Master will surely find another who pleases him—"

Bao'er felt his heart twist watching her. Remembering Xianglan's kindness to his family—especially after Ying Ge's death, she had instructed Guiyuan to take special care of him—he gritted his teeth and said, "Alright. Since this is Madam's wish, I won't say another word."The two then discussed the matter, and Bao'er said, "I have a distant relative, an elderly woman who originally stayed in the capital to watch over a residence. She is deaf and mute, has no children, and is honest and simple. When she grew older, the Lin Family allowed her to live in a small courtyard on the back street outside the mansion to look after some belongings. Usually, she lives there alone. As the saying goes, 'The darkest place is under the candlestick.' Madam, why not stay there for now? Give her some silver each month, and no one would ever suspect it."

Xianglan thought it was a good idea, so she picked up a brush and wrote a letter. Bao'er pretended to be looking for someone, and later the two met halfway up the mountain. Bao'er quietly escorted her back to the capital. Xianglan took off a gold ring and had Bao'er pawn it for twenty taels of silver. She gave ten taels to Bao'er, who tried to decline, but Xianglan said, "I may need your help again in the future. Keep it for now."

When Xianglan arrived at the back street, she found a small, standalone courtyard with one main room and two smaller side rooms, all filled with heavy, rough items. The old woman slept in the western room. Xianglan first gave her one tael of silver, and the old woman, overjoyed, hurriedly cleared out the eastern room to make a barely habitable space. Xianglan settled in there.

For the next six months, she lived in seclusion, only doing some needlework. Bao'er occasionally visited, bringing food and drink, and she would give him the finished needlework to sell for money. Xianglan knew in her heart that this was the life she wanted to live: waking up in the morning to stroll in the courtyard, watering flowers and tending plants, taking a nap at noon, and closing the door at night to read by lamplight, finding joy in solitude. The rest of her time was spent on needlework, writing, or painting. She no longer had to cater to others' moods, endure petty grievances or hidden resentments, nor deal with entanglements and conflicts. She didn't need great wealth or luxury, nor to be dressed in finery and eating delicacies. Plain tea and simple food were enough, as long as she had peace and freedom every day. Xianglan felt she ought to be content. Once she finished the embroidered screen in her hands, she could sell it for a good price, pawn another hairpin, exchange it for silver, and quietly travel south to fetch her parents. They could settle in a place with beautiful scenery and live out their days. But whenever she thought this way, her mind grew restless, and her plans always fell through.

During the day, she managed well, but at night, wrapped in her quilt in bed, her thoughts ran wild. Memories that had long faded became unusually vivid: the first time she saw him by the stream when she entered the Lin mansion, how he rescued her when she was nearly assaulted, later when she had no choice but to become his concubine, the insults and blows he had once dealt her, their time together in Yangzhou, the ways he had protected her in front of others, their life-and-death bond on that snowy night, and the intimate affections that were not for outsiders to know. All these details, big and small, came flooding back. She had thought she had long forgotten them, but they surged relentlessly, churning in her heart like a pot of boiling water about to overflow. It burned her with pain, but she forced it down, only to feel emptier than ever.

Unable to sleep, she got up, turned up the lamp, spread out paper, and wrote a few characters to distract herself. But her brush moved almost involuntarily, sketching Lin Jinlou's likeness in a few strokes—his eyes half-closed, looking at her with a teasing, almost-smiling expression. Xianglan froze, and a large drop of ink splattered from the brush tip onto the paper. Suddenly, she realized how much she missed him: his piercing eyes, his annoying and domineering words and actions, his bad temper that could be soothed with a little coaxing, and the way he had held her that day, saying "I love you" with such reverence and caution.

Bit by bit, it had seeped into her bones and blood. She covered her face with her hands. Her heart was far from at ease. Several times, she had nearly been unable to resist going back, but the obstacles were too many. How could one live on love alone? With so many barriers, in the end, affection would fade and love would vanish.While one branch of the story unfolds, another awaits its turn. Here, Lin Jinlou was unusually sentimental gazing at the falling leaves and drifting blossoms when Ling Su reported, "Masters Liu and Xie from the Liu and Xie families have arrived and are waiting in the study."

Feeling melancholic, Lin Jinlou couldn't be bothered with them. He dawdled his way forward, only putting on a beaming smile after passing through the second gate, strolling leisurely as if in a garden—after all, what kind of man was he, Lin Jinlou? If word got out that he was lamenting the autumn like a woman, it would ruin his lifelong reputation.

Entering the study, Lin Jinlou saw Liu Xiaochuan lounging in a chair with one leg crossed over the other. Spotting Lin, Liu wagged a finger playfully and said, "Brother, you’re not being fair. Last time, when we brothers treated you to drinks, you left before we were halfway through and even snubbed the beauty, making Meiwu cry. It’s enough to break anyone’s heart and bring tears to their eyes."

Lin Jinlou drooped his eyelids and retorted, "Are you here just to chatter nonsense with nothing better to do? If you’ve got no serious business, get lost. I’m busy and have no time for your idle talk."

Liu Xiaochuan snorted, glanced at Xie Yu, and said, "Well, brother, look at us two, rushing over like fools to deliver news, and see how we’re treated? He’s shooing us away after just a few words."

Xie Yu, fiddling with an ancient jade piece engraved with "Fortune and Longevity," chuckled and said, "Seeing how he’s talking to us today, he deserves to be left in the dark and stew in his own anxiety."

Assuming the two were there to spout nonsense and cause trouble, Lin Jinlou smiled and said, "What exactly is your business here? If you’re here to horse around, don’t do it at my place. If you’re here to pick a fight, I’ll host a treat for you another day. Now, both of you, go home."

Liu Xiaochuan slowly stood up and said, "Fine, if he can’t stand us brothers, we’ll leave! He really deserves to not find Xianglan and end up crying alone in his cold bed at night."

Before he finished speaking, there was a loud "smack" behind him. Liu Xiaochuan flinched and turned to see Lin Jinlou’s smile completely gone, his hand slamming heavily on the desk.

Seeing the situation turn sour, Xie Yu quickly stood up and reached into his robe, saying, "Brother, don’t be angry. We brothers came to bring you good news." As he spoke, he pulled out a ring and handed it over, saying, "This is it." Noting Lin Jinlou’s tightly pressed lips and darkening expression, he hurriedly added, "This was pawned at my family’s pawnshop. The manager presented the best items collected over the past six months, and I recognized it at first glance. Brother, do you remember? This was the gift I respectfully gave to your lady as a meeting present back in Yangzhou. It’s set with pearls and emeralds, imported from overseas—there’s no second piece like it here. The manager said it was brought in by a servant boy, not very tall, with a clever look and a red mole on his chin, driving a cart—"

Lin Jinlou’s face turned ashen, his hands clenched into fists. He slammed the table again with a "thud," gritting his teeth and snarling, "Bring Bao'er here!"

Before long, Bao'er arrived. Without waiting for him to kneel and pay respects, Lin Jinlou grabbed him by the collar and flung him aside. Bao'er tumbled to the ground, letting out an involuntary cry of pain. Before he could recover, Lin Jinlou stepped on his chest, making him groan as tears welled in his eyes.

Xie Yu, unable to bear the sight, stepped forward and tugged at Lin Jinlou’s arm, saying, "Brother, calm down. It might not be him. Let’s question him properly. Why resort to this?"

Lin Jinlou said sternly, "This is none of your business." He then glared at Bao'er, flicked his wrist, and the ring clattered to the floor beside Bao'er. He sneered, "Recognize this? Speak!"Bao'er was already so frightened that his legs had turned to jelly, and seeing the ring made half his soul flee. Lin Jinlou appeared like a fierce deity, his gaze vicious, truly resembling the King of Hell in the Palace of the Underworld. His handsome face had turned from pale to red, the veins on his forehead bulging. Bao'er hardly dared to look. Lin Jinlou lifted him up again, gritting his teeth and saying, "I'm asking you, how did you get this thing? Where is Xianglan? Where is she?!"

Bao'er trembled all over in terror, his legs as weak as noodles. He could no longer keep it hidden and stammered, "It—it was really the lady who wanted to leave on her own—she, she said she was unhappy in the Lin Family, feared she might not be able to bear children in the future. The Master would take concubines and have sons, there would always be new favorites, and the master didn't like her either. She was afraid she would have no place to stand in the future—" Lin Jinlou felt a roar in his ears, his hand loosened, and Bao'er was thrown to the ground, swaying a couple of times before sitting down. Bao'er knelt on the ground, sobbing and hiccuping, and recounted the whole story from beginning to end.

Lin Jinlou felt the blood in his body turn cold. The person he had longed for day and night, searching for tirelessly without success, had actually been right under his nose, willing to suffer rather than return. He felt a lump of anger stuck in his chest and stood up, about to rush out to find that woman, when he heard Bao'er say in a tearful voice, "The lady—the lady said she was tired and scared too—" Lin Jinlou paused, slowly retracting his steps, and stood rooted to the spot.