"Three years ago, around this same time of year. He was nearly fifteen, and I was twenty-two. It doesn’t sound like much, does it?
"In my heart, he had always been a little brat, a younger brother. I even remember his third-day bath ceremony when my mother took me to the Inheriting Heaven Hall to offer congratulations. That naked baby in the big basin was so ugly—what Prince Qin’s heir? He looked no different from my younger brother born the year before. Just another smelly boy.
"Boys grow up so frighteningly fast. When he was twelve or thirteen, he still had a baby face. Then, in just a year or two, he suddenly shot up into a handsome youth. I remember not seeing him much for about half a year, and the next time we met up close, I realized—this kid was actually taller than me.
"That summer, the capital was unbearably hot, so the Son of Heaven and the Empress went to Jiucheng Palace to escape the heat, leaving him to oversee the court. He had just taken in a few Turkic guards who accompanied him daily on hunts and games, teaching him how to play polo. It was when polo had just been introduced to Chang’an, and he loved it—searching everywhere for a suitable field. The open space behind the Purple Void Monastery happened to be fairly flat, so after some tidying up and setting up goalposts, he came almost every day to play. It looked fun to me too, so I opened the back gate and went out to learn and play with them. After sweating buckets, we didn’t have to take the long way—just entered through the back gate, bathed, changed clothes, drank water, and ate fruit. So convenient.
"I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced it—being utterly exhausted, drenched in sweat, then washing and drying off, feeling light and loose, as if you could float away. The first couple of times, he just teased and flirted, calling me ‘Elder Sister’ and leaning in close, eyes gleaming. How could I not understand? It wasn’t my first time..."
"I never expected that afterward, he’d say it was his first time... complete and utterly joyful.
"All those maids and palace attendants in the Crown Prince’s Palace—were they all dead? Idiots.
"After that, there’s no need to go into detail. Whenever the Son of Heaven and the Empress weren’t in the capital, he’d spend all day and night at my place, making excuses about hunting or military drills, staying over without returning to the Crown Prince’s Palace. He whispered countless sweet nothings—said he’d liked me since childhood, that after being named Crown Prince, someone told him the Son of Heaven intended to betroth me to him, to live together in the Crown Prince’s Palace. He’d been so happy he jumped around, making everyone present laugh.
"Then came that banquet in the first year of Zhenguan. Of course, I remember it vividly. I never thought he, only nine at the time, would recall so much.
"The Supreme Emperor set up the banquet on the foundation of the Han palace in the inner gardens, seating himself in the center, flanked by the Son of Heaven and the Empress, with princes, consorts, and nobles in attendance, and close ministers seated below. After the court musicians’ performances, the atmosphere grew increasingly festive. The younger children and grandchildren of my grandfather came forth one by one to offer songs, dances, and blessings. Chengqian and a few brothers and uncles performed the ‘Prince of Lanling.’ His mask was too big, wobbling comically... After them, it was my turn. I was sixteen that year...""I dressed in foreign girl attire—a brocade robe with a turned-down collar, a pointed foreign hat, lambskin boots, and a belt adorned with dangling ornaments—and performed a whirling dance on the palace carpet to the rhythm of drums, spinning like a wheel without pause. My grandfather and my second uncle and his wife all clapped and laughed heartily. When the laughter subsided, I playfully stepped forward to offer birthday wishes and ask for a reward. The Son of Heaven, caught up in the moment, jokingly yet earnestly said, 'How about I give you my son?' and began discussing the idea of appointing me as Crown Princess—
"The Supreme Emperor simply chuckled and said it was fine, leaving it to them to decide what was suitable. The Empress said nothing, but her gaze... that gaze still haunts me in nightmares to this day, sometimes startling me awake in the dead of night. A Fen, you know, by then I had already been blamed for the deaths of my eldest uncle’s three sons. People outside whispered that I was the reincarnation of a white tiger demon, sent to destroy the eldest grandsons of the Li imperial family. And Chengqian... he was then the eldest grandson of the Supreme Emperor and the firstborn son of the Crown Prince’s Palace.
"As soon as the Son of Heaven spoke, my father immediately rose and excused himself from the feast, leaving no room for others to interject. At that moment, I made up my mind. I stepped back and knelt before the Supreme Emperor and the Son of Heaven, declaring loudly that my astrological chart bore the three inauspicious stars—Seven Killings, Broken Army, and Greedy Wolf—aligned in one house. At home, I brought misfortune to my parents; if married, I would bring calamity to my husband. After my mother’s passing, I had already taken up Daoist practice at home, but fearing my grandfather’s grief, I had kept it secret. Now, seizing this opportunity, I begged the Supreme Emperor and His Majesty to grant me permission to leave the secular world.
"The adults all dismissed it as a child’s caprice, a passing whim, and naturally refused. Seeing my plea unheeded, I yanked off my foreign hat, loosened my hair, and drew a small knife to cut off a large handful. Attendants and palace maids rushed to restrain me, and the banquet ended in chaos. The Son of Heaven’s face turned livid with anger. My father later said that even during the WuDe era, when he was Prince Qin, no one had dared to defy him so openly—I truly had audacity... But what else could I do? I knew that if I were indeed chosen as Crown Princess—chosen once more—I would never live to see the day I entered the Crown Prince’s Palace for the wedding.
"I could only insist, firmly and repeatedly, that I would not marry—that I wished to devote my life to Daoist practice and remain unwed. My second uncle was furious with me, so I sought help from his wife. As for the Empress... of course she didn’t want her own precious son to suffer under the curse of this white tiger demon. With my aunt mediating and out of respect for the Supreme Emperor, the Son of Heaven eventually relented, even granting me the Inner Sanctuary of Purple Void Monastery to oversee. Naturally, the proposal to appoint me as Crown Princess was dropped. At the time, I thought it was a happy resolution for all—but I didn’t realize that Chengqian himself... was actually heartbroken.
"He said he returned to his quarters in the Crown Prince’s Palace that night and cried himself to sleep. Back then, he didn’t even understand what marriage or taking a consort meant—he only knew I didn’t want to come to the Crown Prince’s Palace, didn’t want to play or live with him. Of course, it was just childish temper at the time. Had nothing else happened afterward, he might have forgotten it entirely.
"But something did happen afterward. As he grew older, he said his feelings for me deepened—a different kind of affection, a man’s love for a woman.""Of course he knew my past—the betrothal to my cousin from my uncle's family, the position of Crown Princess I firmly declined. Though the Son of Heaven and the Empress admired and valued me, they feared my fate's ill omen and would never allow him to openly bring me into the Crown Prince's Palace. Those two years, he was often ill, frequently bedridden, and the Empress was even more worried—how could she permit a woman who brings misfortune to men to entangle with her son? But you know what? The more forbidden, the more unattainable and hidden it is, the more obsessed men become, unable to let go. Ha, they’re all like that...
"You ask me why I was willing? Why wouldn’t I be?
"He wasn’t ugly, nor was he foolish. When he laughed, he was especially handsome. Though naive and simple back then, he was clever and earnest, quick to learn anything I taught him. Being with him made me happy... Besides, his status was so unique. Even if just to satisfy my own vanity, I was willing. As long as it stayed secret, I had nothing to lose. Even if it were exposed... it wouldn’t be such a big deal.
"For the first year or two, both of us were quite happy and content. If only it could have stayed that way...
"But gradually, I realized something was wrong. He seemed... too serious...
"He had reached the age to marry and have children. His parents had mentioned it to him several times, and even his younger brother already had a son, yet he found every excuse to delay. These past few years, whenever the selection of a Crown Princess was brought up, the Crown Prince would suddenly fall ill and take to his bed. Some diviner in the Crown Prince's Palace would claim it was inauspicious for him to take a principal wife so soon—what nonsense... He clung to his delusion, telling me he would petition the Son of Heaven and the Empress to make me his rightful consort, that no matter how difficult, he wanted to stay with me for life. I scolded him, told him to abandon that fantasy before it got me and my entire family killed.
"For over a year now, every time this topic came up, we argued. He was stubborn, refusing to even glance at other virtuous young ladies. I wasn’t any softer in temper either—I made it clear: if he dared bring it up to the Empress, I’d throw myself into the alchemy cauldron. After all, dying sooner or later made no difference. If I turned myself into an elixir, maybe I’d even crystallize into a furnace of Ninefold Mystic Yin relics or something...
"Later, for a while, he stopped mentioning it, but he still visited often. Slowly, I figured it out—he wanted... to get me pregnant. He knew his mother longed for a legitimate grandson. If I carried his child, it would be easier to broach the subject. Even if he couldn’t convince the Son of Heaven and the Empress to make me his principal consort, at least he could openly keep me in the Crown Prince's Palace. Once I bore a son, the mother would be honored through the child. Once the elders were gone, wouldn’t everything be up to him?
"We had another huge fight. I told him plainly to stop dreaming. With my irregular cycles and menstrual disorders, conceiving would have to wait for the next lifetime."
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