Оn Fridау, Shаng Zhi Таo got hеr реriоd.
Shе breathed а sigh оf relief, fоr no pаrtiсulаr rеаsоn. She hadn’t rеalized she felt a bit reluсtаnt to gо to Luаn Niаn’s рlаcе.
Ассоmpаnying Lumi to buy соffeе, she ran into Luаn Nian discussing businеss in the cаfé. Аftеr grееting him, Lumi sаid tо Shang Zhi Tао, “Hе wоn’t think wе’re skiрping wоrk аgain, will he?”
“Аrеn’t we skiрping work right now?” Shаng Zhi Tao blinkеd hеr еyеs. Lumi reachеd оut tо cоvеr hеr mоuth: “Yоu rеallу аre mу anсestor, kеeр уоur voiсе dоwn! Still аn iced Amеricano?”
Shang Zhi Tаo shook hеr head: “Nо, I’m not fееling well tоday.” She said this a little louder than usual, just enough for others to hear. She wanted Luan Nian to hear, implying she wouldn’t be going to his place today.
“Oh, oh, oh.” Lumi made a few sounds, then asked Shang Zhi Tao, “Where are you going this weekend?”
“Out with my roommate.”
“Where to?”
“Wutai Mountain.”
“Wow.”
Lumi picked up the coffee and handed Shang Zhi Tao a hot cup: “You’re either working or playing all the time. When are you going to find a boyfriend? You’re 25, right?”
“Ah… isn’t 25 still young? Grace said she didn’t get married until she was thirty.”
“That’s true. But you still need to date for a few years, right? I mentioned my friend to you last year—he’s still single. How about we have dinner together tonight?”
Shang Zhi Tao wanted to refuse, but suddenly remembered what Luan Nian had said that day: “I have a date, with Teacher Gōng Yuè.” Since then, aside from work matters, they had hardly spoken a word to each other. She knew Luan Nian was waiting for her to back down, waiting for her to eagerly run to his place over the weekend, so things could go back to how they were before—her still obedient, him still in control.
“Sure.”
“Great! I’ll set it up right away!” The two left the café. Lumi glanced inside and suddenly said to Shang Zhi Tao, “Holy shit, do you think Luke is glaring at me?”
Shang Zhi Tao looked back. Luan Nian was talking to someone, his arm resting casually on the sofa, completely at ease, not even looking their way.
“Maybe you’re just feeling guilty about skipping work…” Shang Zhi Tao teased her.
“Was it an illusion? Am I going blind?” Lumi muttered to herself.
Shang Zhi Tao carefully composed a message to Luan Nian: “I’m not feeling well, so I won’t be going to your place this week.” Feeling the tone was a bit stiff, as if she were challenging him, she changed it to: “I’m not feeling well, so I won’t be going to your place this week!” Luan Nian didn’t reply.
That evening, she really went to dinner with Lumi. Lumi’s childhood friend was as talkative as she was. As for his appearance, he looked quite wealthy, with various strings of cultural trinkets wrapped around his wrist, a high-quality jade pendant around his neck, along with lapis lazuli and amber—a flashy, colorful display. Even though it was only spring, he was holding a Kun fan, a rather amusing outfit. The friend immediately said to Shang Zhi Tao, “Girl, you’ve got a nice figure.”
Shang Zhi Tao had never met someone who complimented her figure right off the bat, and her face flushed instantly. This blush surprised Lumi’s friend: “Holy shit, how many years has it been since I’ve seen a girl who blushes right away?”Lumi kicked him under the table. "Shut up already!" She gave Shang Zhi Tao an apologetic smile. "He's always like this. He's not a bad person, just that mouth of his is so annoying. Don't mind him." After just a few bites of the meal, Lumi started wondering what kind of person her childhood friend really was. How had she never noticed before? In the end, it was because she liked Shang Zhi Tao—liked her so much that even her wealthy childhood friend seemed unworthy of her.
Shang Zhi Tao found them quite amusing and giggled happily. The meal was incredibly lively, with Lumi constantly hitting her friend, him begging for mercy, and Shang Zhi Tao repeatedly saying, "It's fine, it's fine," trying to mediate. After the meal, the friend said to Shang Zhi Tao, "Honestly, I really like you. But I'm not the most reliable person, and I'm afraid you'd end up getting hurt. If you—"
"Shut up already!" Lumi hit him again. "What do you mean 'if'? What 'if'? Take a good look at yourself! I haven't seen you in over a year, and now you're just spouting nonsense! Get lost!" After scolding him, she dragged Shang Zhi Tao away.
They had already walked halfway around Houhai, and Lumi was still apologizing. "I'm really sorry, that was so embarrassing. He wasn't like this before."
"It's really fine. I think he's hilarious. I laughed so hard my stomach hurts." Arm in arm, Shang Zhi Tao finally remembered the incident where Kitty had accused her of taking bribes and asked Lumi for advice. "How should I handle this?"
"I could just as easily accuse her of trading favors with the boss! Does she think whatever she says goes? No way! What did Manager Wang say?"
"I tried calling Manager Wang, but he didn't answer."
"He didn't answer?"
"No."
If Manager Wang wasn't answering Shang Zhi Tao's calls, there was probably a problem, but she wasn't worried since she had done nothing wrong. Lumi glanced at her, sensing something wasn't quite right. "That bastard Kitty must be up to something."
"I don't know."
"Take it one step at a time. If it gets bad, you can always talk to Luke. He's your boss now, so he should care if someone in his department is being wrongfully accused, right?"
Shang Zhi Tao didn't reply. She didn't tell Lumi that she felt Luan Nian didn't trust her. That lack of trust hurt her more than anything before, so much so that it felt suffocating just thinking about it.
She didn't understand why she needed Luan Nian's approval so badly. Was his validation really that important?
Late at night, long after spring had deepened, she stared blankly at the shadows of the moon and clouds outside and suddenly realized that, despite claiming she didn't care about the accusation because she had done nothing wrong, she had still taken it to heart.
Even though she felt a little fear and a lot of unease, she still didn't want to ask Luan Nian for help. She felt it would be pointless.
The next morning, when they set off early, the dark circles under her eyes were still there. Zhang Lei drove to pick them up. He had been promoted again and had switched to a large SUV. The four of them and the dog felt just like the old days as they headed toward Shanxi.
Back then, the highways were always under construction, with bumpy patches every so often. The group bounced around in the car, laughing and joking, while Luke occasionally barked from the trunk to add to the fun.
They arrived at Mount Wutai by evening.
They ate a vegetarian meal infused with the scent of incense and candles and spent some time admiring the moon. Sun Yuanzhu carried his beloved camera, capturing the shadows of people under the moonlight. Four shadows sat side by side in the courtyard, none of them wanting to sleep, all eagerly looking forward to offering the first incense of the next day. It seemed everyone had many wishes.Shang Zhi Tao brought two walnut carvings she bought during a business trip to Suzhou, hoping to have them blessed. Someone who used to believe in nothing suddenly felt plagued by misfortune these past few days and wanted to find some way to ward it off—seeking peace of mind and smooth sailing.
The two walnut carvings were of two incredibly adorable dolls, one a boy and one a girl. The boy was herding cattle, while the girl was reading. Hand-carved, each cost over a thousand yuan. She didn’t even know why she liked these little trinkets so much, but in the end, she actually spent the money to buy them.
She hoped the monk would chant a few extra sutras during the blessing, so Buddha could hear.
“What will you pray for when you burn incense tomorrow?” Shang Zhi Tao asked Sun Yu.
After thinking for a moment, Sun Yu said, “I’ll pray for my loved one to live a long life and for my career to go smoothly.”
“If you could only pray for one?”
“Then I’d pray for my loved one to live a long life.”
There was a faint glimmer of tears in Sun Yu’s eyes, disappearing between a lowered and raised gaze. Occasionally, she glanced at Sun Yuanzhu, her eyes holding something Shang Zhi Tao couldn’t understand.
“What will you pray for?” Zhang Lei asked Shang Zhi Tao.
“I… will pray for my career…” Shang Zhi Tao lied. What did she really want to pray for? She wanted to pray for love.
After everyone else had gone inside to sleep, Shang Zhi Tao stood in the courtyard and called Luan Nian. It was a bit noisy on Luan Nian’s end, so Shang Zhi Tao asked, “Where are you?”
“At a bar.”
“Is there an event today?”
“Yeah.”
The late spring breeze blew against her, trying to wake her up. But Shang Zhi Tao was just twenty-five then, at an age where she was eager to seek answers. If something wasn’t clear to her, it would occupy her mind until she figured it out.
“Luan Nian, I have something I want to say to you.”
“Wait a moment.” Luan Nian walked out of the bar and stood in the parking lot in front of it. The late spring breeze blew against him too. He felt his heartbeat was a little faster than usual, or maybe it was just an illusion.
“Luan Nian, I have a lot I want to say to you. Let me start from the very beginning.”
“I’m not a casual person. I’ve had one real relationship before. Before you, I never had a one-night stand, and after you, I haven’t either.”
“At first, I couldn’t see my own feelings clearly. I didn’t understand why we started the way we did. As time passed, I slowly got to know you… I privately thought I understood you better than others…”
“I started to feel unsatisfied. Luan Nian, I want to ask you…” Shang Zhi Tao stopped speaking. She still had one last chance to say nothing, to keep pretending, to keep weaving the dream that Luan Nian might love her just a little. But she couldn’t anymore. Four years had passed. If there was something she hadn’t waited for in four years, why would it come now? It wouldn’t. Shang Zhi Tao didn’t want this chance anymore.
“I want to ask you, can we date like normal men and women? Date, raise a dog together—I think you seem to like Luke too—watch movies, eat out, go shopping, cook together. If possible, later on, when the time is right, we could get married and have one or two children…” These were all the fragmented, beautiful imaginings she’d had about Luan Nian over the years. She didn’t dream often, but occasionally, one or two dreams were like this. She truly liked Luan Nian, even more than she liked Xin Zhaozhou. So much so that she felt she would never like another man in her life again. She was so foolish.Shang Zhi Tao finished speaking and quietly waited for Luan Nian to pass judgment. But Luan Nian remained silent, and Shang Zhi Tao had no idea what he was thinking. She said, "Can you say something?"
Luan Nian finally spoke. He said, "I hope you calm down. Because I don’t intend to change the current state between us. I’m not prepared to take another step forward."
"Why? I thought after four years together, many things have changed. At least it should be deeper than when we started." Her voice and hands trembled slightly, but she didn’t notice.
"Things have changed, but not to the point where I feel I should date or marry you. You’re still young, not firm about anything. Even though you say you want to be with me now, tomorrow you’ll still go to a blind date event to meet different men. I don’t want to date someone like that."
"I was just helping Sun Yu."
"Is that so?" Luan Nian asked her, "Are you sure? You were just helping Sun Yu, so you go to blind date events every week; you just wanted to spend time with friends, so you’re living ambiguously with a man. Sorry, I think we’re better off as friends with benefits."
Shang Zhi Tao didn’t speak. She didn’t know what to say. The earlier impulse had clearly been self-inflicted humiliation. Suddenly, she realized that Luan Nian’s apparent care for her was nothing but a grand illusion of her own making.
"I understand."
Shang Zhi Tao hung up the phone.
Everyone has that one reckless, all-out moment in their lives when they throw caution to the wind. It’s fine—the other shoe had finally dropped in her heart.
Luan Nian hung up the phone and walked into the bar. Tan Mian asked him, "What’s wrong?"
"Nothing."
"But you look upset."
"I’m perfectly fine."
The bar was lively, but he sat there with a hint of detachment. Gong Yue asked him, "Still not drinking today?"
"No."
"Want to take a walk together?"
"No."
Luan Nian stood up. He couldn’t quite describe what he was feeling. He was never afraid of rejecting people and was always good at it—rejecting girls cleanly and decisively several times a year. He had never felt bad about it before. Today was the first time something felt stuck in his heart. He didn’t want to be trapped by love. Whenever relationships became more intimate, they inevitably led to mutual control, possessiveness, and trivialities—things Luan Nian disliked. Even though his feelings for Shang Zhi Tao were different, he didn’t think they were intense enough to enter the stage of love.
He was too arbitrary.
Calling others immature—he was the most immature of all.
Shang Zhi Tao still asked a monk to bless the two little figurines—one for herself and one for Luan Nian. She didn’t ask for much, only wishing them peaceful sleep and smooth days ahead.
On the way down the mountain, there was a tree by the roadside with branches stretching out, already showing a hint of summer lushness. Shang Zhi Tao tied the carved ox-herding boy figurine to one of the branches. A thin ray of light shone through the gaps in the carving, illuminating the boy’s face with a bright red glow.
Like the moment when love first blossoms in one’s life.
But such times would never come again.
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