Luаn Niаn sаw thаt mеssage а fеw hоurs lаtеr. Every уеar during the Сhinese Nеw Yеаr, Shаng Zhi Таo would sеnd him a message like this: "Wishing yоu еverуthing is well."
Не wаs tаken аbасk fоr а momеnt, even wondеring if it wаs alrеady New Yеar's Daу. He аskеd Dr. Liаng, "Is it Nеw Yеаr's?"
"Whаt?"
"Is todaу Nеw Yeаr's Еvе?"
Luan Niаn chесked the саlendаr and confirmеd that it wasn't New Yеаr's Еve. Нe sent Shang Zhi Тао a quеstiоn mаrk, but thе mеssаge соuldn't be dеliverеd. His fingers рausеd аs hе tyреd.
Dr. Liаng рut down what she wаs holding and looked аt Luan Nian. "What's wrоng with you?"
"Nоthing."
"When уоur fathеr gives his speech later, don't cause any trouble. And tell your friends not to stir things up, okay?" Dr. Liang reminded Luan Nian. It was her and Luan's Father's fortieth wedding anniversary, and she had repeatedly insisted that Luan Nian come back for the celebration. Otherwise, people might think they had lost their son in their old age.
"Okay."
Dr. Liang sensed something was off with Luan Nian's mood, but since he didn't say anything, she didn't press further. She could only pat his shoulder and say, "If something's bothering you, you can tell your mom. I might not be able to help, but I can laugh at you."
Truly a mother's love.
Dr. Liang and Luan Mingrui's wedding anniversary celebration was warm and heartfelt. Watching his parents standing there in formal attire, his usually stern father visibly moved several times, Luan Nian suddenly felt that perhaps he could have a life like this too. Marrying the woman he loved, having children, and celebrating anniversaries for ten, twenty, fifty, or sixty years. It must be a life full of adventures, yet a good one.
He was eager to return to China to see Shang Zhi Tao. While Dr. Liang and Luan Mingrui were tearfully gazing at each other, Luan Nian took out his phone and booked a ticket.
Dr. Liang asked him why he was in such a hurry to leave. Wouldn't it be better to stay a few more days?
"To see Shang Zhi Tao, whom you like."
"When can I meet her?"
"Maybe you and Dad can come back to China during the New Year. She doesn't have a visa, and it's too late to apply for one now."
Dr. Liang seriously considered it and then said, "I think that's possible. Should we also fly to Bingcheng to meet her parents? I remember she's from Bingcheng. Since we're going back anyway, we might as well take care of everything that needs to be done."
"Probably won't get to meet them."
"Why?"
"Because we're currently broken up."
As expected, he messed it up, Dr. Liang thought to herself. Whenever she told Luan's Father that she felt their son was about to settle down, Luan's Father would always curl his lips and say, "I think your son will mess it up."
She knew her own son—he struggled to feel love and even more so to love others.
"If you get back together, treat that girl well. If I remember correctly, you've been together for several years, right? That's not easy."
"Okay."
Luan Nian wanted to say something casual to Shang Zhi Tao and called her before boarding the plane, but the line was busy. This was the first time Shang Zhi Tao had blocked him. No matter what had happened between them before, she had never done this.
He went straight to the company after landing. It was a workday, and all the employees should have been at work. The office was unusually quiet. His eyes fell on Shang Zhi Tao's empty workstation, and an inexplicable panic washed over him.
Sitting at his computer, he pulled up the list of employees who had resigned and saw Shang Zhi Tao's name. She had resigned on the fourth day after the company's annual party. He had known nothing about it.Luan Nian remembered that day backstage at the annual meeting, when Shang Zhi Tao looked at him, hesitating to speak. At the time, he thought they still had a chance to sit down and properly talk about these six years. Little did he know it was her farewell. Shang Zhi Tao had bid him goodbye in such a way.
Luan Nian knew she wasn’t bluffing—she never bluffed.
He called Tracy: “I want to ask you, why wasn’t I informed about the movement of a core employee?”
“I’ll come to you.”
Tracy walked into Luan Nian’s office, locked the door, and sat across from him. Pointing to the bag beside her, she asked Luan Nian, “How do you like my bag?”
“Good taste.”
“Bought it from Flora at half price.”
Luan Nian’s eyes fell on that bag—it was one he had bought for Shang Zhi Tao during a business trip to Singapore one year, he remembered. She had never used it. Luan Nian wasn’t good at giving gifts, so he thought bags were a safe choice. Many bags would appreciate in value over the years, and Shang Zhi Tao never wore them. He gave her expensive ones, thinking that if she ever faced difficulties and refused to ask him for help, she could sell them.
But not at half price.
Not like swatting away a fly.
“No one could have imagined that the modest Flora, at the company flea market, sold 14 brand-new high-end luxury bags at a discount in one go. The extravagance was staggering. Maybe she also has a 2.5 billion background, and we never noticed.”
Of the bags Shang Zhi Tao sold, only Tracy’s and Lumi’s were discounted. For the others, Lumi had marked up the price tags when writing them—they were all hard-to-find styles and could still sell even with a markup. Shang Zhi Tao and Tracy didn’t know. With so many girls in the company who loved high-end luxury, Lumi couldn’t bear to let Shang Zhi Tao take another loss this final time.
Luan Nian remained silent. He had always known Shang Zhi Tao was stubborn, but today he finally witnessed her decisiveness. His heart felt as if it were blocked by something, yet also as if pierced by a needle—aching and itching.
“Alright, enough gossip. Which core employee’s movement did you want to ask about?” Tracy asked him. “Based on performance and rank, the only core employee movement should be Flora, Shang Zhi Tao.”
“I just want to know why the approval for a core employee’s resignation didn’t come to me.”
“You set the rule—below expert level, it only needs to go to the department head.”
“You should have informed me.”
“Below expert level, I should inform you? On what grounds?” Tracy asked him.
“Say what you mean.”
“Fine, I’ll say it.” Tracy’s expression suddenly turned serious. “Shang Zhi Tao’s first weekend overtime application—the person notified was you. Her first business trip—the companion was you. Every Friday, she always left the company right after you. The day she reported sexual harassment, you almost killed that scumbag.”
“Luke, I’ve known about your relationship with Shang Zhi Tao from the very beginning. I didn’t remind you because I know your boundaries and believed she wouldn’t break the rules.” Tracy was too clever—as an HR person, she was the best at reading people. She had played dumb for years, fully aware all along.
“Please don’t ask me why I didn’t inform you about Shang Zhi Tao’s resignation. Instead, think about why she resigned. You ruined my hiring experiment!” Tracy stood up after speaking and asked Luan Nian, “I ask you, will you investigate those two abnormal performance ratings?”
Luan Nian looked up at her, his expression cold."Checking, are you? If you're checking, can you at least let me know? Are we still comrades-in-arms?" Tracy threw Luan Nian's words back at him, then turned and left his office.
Luan Nian remained silent.
He had always been like this since childhood—rarely showing true extremes of sorrow or joy. When he was sad, he would simply stop talking, just like now.
"Can we talk when I get back?"
"Okay." But the look on her face when she said "okay" clearly meant: I won't talk to you anymore, we're done here. And he hadn't understood it.
Perhaps he had never truly understood her.
Luan Nian called a friend: "Can you help me find someone? Yes, I'll give you the details. It's not for anything illegal."
He sat in his office for a long time. Winters in Beijing were truly bleak, and he wondered if she would like the winters in Ice City. Luan Nian took out his phone and dialed that number—the emergency contact number he had memorized from the system when she was sick that year, using it to threaten her into staying at his place to recover.
The number was disconnected.
Shang Zhi Tao had changed her family's phone number.
Luan Nian saw Shang Zhi Tao's resolve. There was nothing and no one in this city worth her staying for. The people she cared about and missed would surely know where she was. Luan Nian thought, Shang Zhi Tao had never truly relied on him. Every day she spent with him, she had been planning to leave him.
Sometime after that, he ran into Lumi in the elevator, who was late for work. Lumi grinned and said to him: "I wasn't deliberately late today, the traffic was just too bad. Our company's location really is the most congested in Beijing..."
"Where's your apprentice?" Luan Nian suddenly asked.
Lumi was taken aback for a moment, then held up her bag for Luan Nian to see: "Pretty, isn't it? My apprentice insisted on giving it to me. How could I accept? So I bought it at half price." She smiled at Luan Nian: "But as for where my apprentice went, I really don't know."
Lumi was just coasting through life, but she wasn't stupid. She and Shang Zhi Tao were so close, of course she guessed there was something complicated between them. But she never said anything—it was unnecessary, meaningless. Better to be a clever fool.
Luan Nian grunted in acknowledgment, glanced at the bag, and stepped out of the elevator.
Another day, he ran into Sun Yu at an event.
"Where's Shang Zhi Tao?" Luan Nian asked her.
Sun Yu thought for a moment and said to him: "Tao Tao left. She changed her phone number and didn't give me the new one. She said she would contact me."
"So, Luke, why are you asking me where Tao Tao is? From what position are you asking?"
Luan Nian didn't reply.
Sun Yu was right—he had no position. He didn't cling to or dwell on the past. Her resolute departure simply meant she didn't want to see him again.
Luan Nian left the venue and called that friend again: "Don't bother looking for that person anymore. It's not important."
Just a passerby.
Since she wanted to let go completely, he would respect that. That day, he drove up the mountain. The bar was lively. The New Year was approaching, and he was about to fly to the U.S. again.
Dr. Liang asked him over the phone when he planned to arrange a meeting with Shang Zhi Tao. He said it wasn't necessary—they were completely over.
Luan Nian found a spot in the bar and sat down. Someone had brought a small dog, and it ran around the bar, utterly delighted. Luan Nian thought of the dog named Luke, and suddenly, sorrow welled up inside him.The day Shang Zhi Tao left, Luke sat by the door whimpering, glancing at the door and then at Luan Nian. Luan Nian felt as though his heart had been shattered into pieces. He said to Luke, "I didn’t treat you well for nothing, but you should go with her."
He opened the door, and Luke rubbed its head against his pant leg before running off.
He watched as Luke looked back at him from time to time. Everything was crystal clear on that snowy night. Luan Nian felt he could accept all of it; he just didn’t like those few words:
Filthy, ugly, disgusting.
He knew he didn’t know how to love, how to speak, or how to read people’s expressions. He lacked the ability to love, and he had never been a perfect person. Shang Zhi Tao had given him the illusion that even someone like him could be genuinely accepted by others. That was precisely the most painful part.
He gave all the dog treats from the storage room to the dog’s owner.
The person asked him, "Last time I came, I think I saw a Samoyed—so adorable."
"A friend’s dog, just staying with me temporarily."
"If we run into each other next time, we can let them play together."
"We won’t run into each other."
At the end of that year, Luan Nian sent Shang Zhi Tao a message: "A new year has arrived. I wish you all the best." He knew she wouldn’t see his New Year’s greeting.
In the years that followed, Luan Nian remained just as he had always been—working relentlessly, playing relentlessly, still difficult to get along with. Everyone both loved and hated him, and he still didn’t care.
It was during a trip to Finland to see the Northern Lights that year when he suddenly remembered the text message he had sent Shang Zhi Tao on New Year’s: "Let’s watch the Northern Lights together next year."
He and his group chased the aurora for five days. On the fifth night, as the ethereal lights shimmered across the sky, Luan Nian, drunk and overwhelmed with sadness, said, "The Northern Lights are truly beautiful. I want to tell the person I love about them."
He had never lost his composure like that in his entire life. Drunk, he rambled incessantly to an empty number, choking up several times in between. His friends recorded his embarrassing state and often teased him about it later, but they never mentioned the slurred words he uttered:
I know I don’t deserve to be loved.
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