Su Ye
Recently, I’ve started suffering from insomnia.
Insomnia is often excruciating because in the quiet of the night, facing the silent world of darkness, you become much calmer than during the day, and your perspective on things seems more rational.
Yet after that calmness and rationality, you sadly realize that you’re often closer to the truth and essence of things. For those accustomed to burying their heads in the sand like ostriches, this means fear and unease. At least, that’s how I see it.
Thinking about the past, the present, the future, about relationships, about how to conduct oneself, about past naivety, about present growth—
Since I can’t sleep anyway, I might as well make the time pass meaningfully.
Many thoughts often lead nowhere—in other words, they’re just futile musings. Yet I stubbornly keep thinking. Countless thoughts tangle together, a mess that can’t be pulled apart by brute force. The harder you tug, the more knotted they become, leaving you frustrated and in pain.
So, the only way is to let them tangle freely while you stand by and watch.
Shen Xifan lay with her eyes open, listening to the ticking of the clock. She gave up resisting insomnia, resignedly staring into the vast darkness as her thoughts swirled endlessly.
She turned over and sighed. It had been five days in a row. If this continued, she’d be driven mad. The tension that gripped her during the day refused to loosen at night. Hotel work was already a high-pressure profession, especially as the manager of the housekeeping department. If this kept up, she wondered if she’d end up dying on the job.
The thought of work brought an inexplicable wave of frustration. She couldn’t say whether she liked the job or not—it was just a means to make a living. Though she had relied on connections to land the position, three years later, she smoothly climbed to manager. To others, she was practically a "gold-collar" professional, but the pressure came right along with it. Now, she was losing sleep over work.
Hugging her pillow, she let out a groan and half-knelt on the bed, calculating. Tomorrow was her day off—she absolutely had to go to the hospital and get some sleeping pills.
Finally, she drifted into a hazy sleep, but it felt like no time had passed before her mother’s call woke her. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was barely past seven. She wanted to cry—she’d just fallen asleep and was already being disturbed.
Shen’s mother was on her usual script, rambling on, “Fanfan, Aunt Wang next door wants to introduce you to a young man. He’s a returnee from overseas. Sure, he’s not much to look at, but he’s got a house and a car…”
Shen Xifan was irritated. Lack of sleep made her temper explosive, and without a second thought, she snapped angrily, “Screw that ‘returnee’—more like a Green-haired Turtle!”
Shen’s mother was startled. “Fanfan, are you still half-asleep?”
“I haven’t slept at all, Mom! I’ve been insomniac lately—I’m dying. Ask Aunt Yang to get me some sleeping pills. If this keeps up, your daughter’s really going to turn into a White Bone Spirit!”
Shen’s mother scolded, “You can’t just take sleeping pills willy-nilly! Fanfan, why don’t you try seeing a traditional Chinese doctor? Use some Chinese herbal medicine to regulate yourself. Nowadays, pharmacies even prepare the decoctions for you—you don’t have to do it yourself. Last time your dad had diarrhea, just two doses fixed him right up…”
She scratched her head. Seeing a Chinese doctor might not be a bad idea. It’d just cost some money, and right now, she was so deprived of sleep that all she had left was money.After waiting for a long time in the Traditional Chinese Medicine internal medicine clinic with no one around, the TCM building felt quiet and deserted. Across from it was the large pharmacy, with neat rows of small sealed compartments, where only one or two people moved about, holding prescriptions and small scales. She recalled how as a child, whenever she had a cough, her grandmother would take her to see a highly renowned elderly TCM doctor. Just three doses of medicine would cure her completely.
Suddenly, a nurse appeared at the door, and Shen Xifan quickly called out, "Miss Nurse, excuse me, where are the doctors here?"
The nurse glanced at her medical record and apologized, "Miss, I'm sorry. Doctor He just went to the acupuncture room. I'll go get him now. Please wait a moment."
Just then, a tall man emerged from the innermost room, supporting an elderly man. The nurse pointed at Shen Xifan and called out, "Doctor He, you have a patient!"
Shen Xifan had always imagined TCM doctors as elderly men with white hair and beards. She had never seen such a young doctor before—and one so handsome at that. He was genuinely good-looking—even compared to the wealthy elites and celebrities she encountered daily at the hotel, this man would score above ninety. The only thing was, his expression was icy cold.
She felt a pang of regret. With dark circles under her eyes, no makeup, and dressed casually in a shirt and jeans—she wished she had dressed more elegantly to meet this handsome doctor.
The doctor asked, "What seems to be the problem?"
Shen Xifan grumbled, "Insomnia. Five nights in a row!"
Unexpectedly, the doctor smiled, revealing a deep dimple on his right cheek. "That doesn't quite count as insomnia yet. But have you always had trouble sleeping?"
She thought for a moment and nodded. "It's hard to fall asleep, and I wake up easily. Once I'm awake, I can't go back to sleep. Lately, I've been lying awake all night."
He pointed to the wrist cushion. "Let me check your pulse."
His warm fingers touched her cold wrist, making her slightly uneasy. Though she knew he was just diagnosing her, she still felt a little nervous—especially facing such a handsome face. She prayed the doctor wouldn't notice her slightly accelerated heartbeat.
After a while, the doctor withdrew his hand, flipped open her medical record, and concluded, "Insufficient innate constitution, emotional distress. Hmm, liver and kidney yin deficiency, excessive liver yang, intense fire disturbing the spirit, overthinking damaging the heart and spleen!"
She froze and muttered to herself, "That serious? Heart and kidney deficiency? Doctor, is there still hope for me?"
The doctor looked slightly surprised, then smiled and explained, "Your constitution is naturally on the weaker side, and with some added worries, your heart fire is flaring up. Do you often feel irritable, restless, unable to sleep, with mouth sores and a dry mouth?"
Shen Xifan mumbled, "Wow, that's spot on. You got everything right!"
The doctor lowered his head to write the prescription. "I'll give you medicine for a month first. Treating insomnia usually takes a while, so be patient. Maintain a regular lifestyle, avoid alcohol and coffee, and—" He glanced up at Shen Xifan. "Girls shouldn't be too competitive. Try to relax more. You could take up yoga or something similar."
"But is there any medicine that can make me sleep tonight? I'm so exhausted I'm going crazy!"
The doctor looked incredulous but still answered patiently, "Go run three laps around the hospital. When you're so tired you can barely stand, you'll naturally sleep well."Shen Xifan was left speechless and could only watch blankly as the doctor wrote the prescription. Suddenly, she noticed the doctor's name tag, which was somewhat blurry. She leaned in slightly closer and could just make out that he was an attending physician, but the name remained unclear. Sensing her gaze, the doctor asked curiously, "Is there something strange about me?"
Feeling awkward, Shen Xifan quickly shook her head. "No, I was just looking at what medicine you're prescribing."
He smiled and pointed to the prescription as he explained, "Coptis and Scutellaria clear the heart, while Angelica sinensis, Rehmannia, Peony root, and Zizyphus seed nourish yin and blood. Licorice harmonizes the middle, and fermented soybean and bamboo shavings disperse stagnant fire. Arborvitae seed, Schisandra, and Albizia bark calm the mind and soothe the nerves."
Shen Xifan only half-understood but nodded along as if she did.
The doctor kindly added, "Take the prescription directly over there to pay. You're having it decocted, right?" He wrote "decocted" on the prescription. "Come back at 4 p.m. today to pick up the first three doses."
She murmured in agreement, took the medical record, and left the consultation room. Only after stepping outside did she realize the prescription was already signed with his name—"He Suye." She found it curious—why did "Suye" sound like the name of a Chinese herbal medicine?
At noon, she returned home and received a call from her mother. "Fanfan, you've seen the doctor? Oh, taking Chinese herbal medicine? Good, good. Listen, I have something to tell you—tonight..."
Shen Xifan immediately cut her off. "I am not going on any blind date, Mom. Just give it up!"
"It's not a blind date," Shen's mother hurriedly explained. "It's just a family dinner. You're always so busy with work that you've forgotten about your parents. We’re practically lonely old folks at home now!"
Her heart softened slightly, and she reluctantly agreed. "Alright, alright, I get it. But I have to pick up my medicine this afternoon."
Shen's mother pressed her advantage. "Great! Meet at the Starbucks near the Ocean Plaza at six!"
In the afternoon, Shen Xifan slept unusually soundly—perhaps influenced by some mystical aura from the traditional Chinese medicine building—and didn’t wake until five. Realizing the time, she gasped in alarm, hurriedly dressed, and took a taxi straight to the hospital.
The outpatient department was emptying as people streamed out, leaving her the only one rushing toward the pharmacy. Seeing half the lights already turned off, she groaned in frustration. "Oh no, my medicine!"
Luckily, the window hadn’t completely closed yet. She glanced around anxiously, clutching the prescription slip, unsure whether to call out or not. Suddenly, the doctor from that morning emerged from the preparation room, spotted her, and smiled. "We were just waiting for you. We close at 5:30."
Shen Xifan felt like banging her head against a medicine cabinet in apology, but seeing no trace of annoyance on the handsome doctor’s face, she relaxed a little. He handed her a bag of medicine and instructed, "Take it twice a day. Come back in three days for the next batch."
When he spoke, his dimples faintly appeared—he looked so young!
It suddenly dawned on her—if he didn’t act serious, who would trust such a baby-faced doctor?
Naturally, Shen Xifan was late. She arrived carrying a large bag of medicine, bare-faced, and her mother immediately smacked her on the head. Shen Xifan exploded, "I’m a patient, you know!"
At the restaurant, Shen Xifan initially thought her mother had finally come to her senses—no more praising home-cooked meals, but treating her to French cuisine instead. But soon, she spotted a beaming auntie at the table.
"Why is there someone else? Is Dad here too?" she asked while washing her hands."Your dad had something come up at school, so it was a last-minute arrangement. An old friend of ours, she lives nearby. Oh, and her son will be joining us shortly," Shen's mother said with an innocent smile.
What could she do?
Taking her seat, she noticed a young man already sitting beside the aunt, loudly sneezing and clearing his throat. She frowned—she couldn't stand people who showed off, and besides, he looked nothing like a prince. In fact, his face resembled the White Horse beside a prince.
"Have you been waiting long?" she asked politely.
He looked up, his expression shifting slightly, visibly impressed. She secretly gloated—even without makeup, Shen Xifan was a stunner!
"Yes, I have a banquet to attend soon. You're quite young to be on a blind date, aren't you?" he mused, but she caught a faint trace of either arrogance or disdain in his eyes.
Shen Xifan had no intention of humoring him. What was so special about a wealthy bachelor? Hotels were full of them. Sullenly, she picked up her fork and knife, focusing on the foie gras and cheesecake.
White Horse seemed surprised. Shen Xifan’s refined manners instantly won him over, and he launched into a monologue, jumping from mother-son relationships to Iran’s nuclear issue, finally wrapping up with, "So, what do you like?"
"Work!" she replied airily. "No choice—hotel managers have to care about the masses!"
Instead of being embarrassed, he seized the topic. "Ah, work is good. I love working too..."
Shen Xifan quickly pretended to check her watch. "Oh, I have a night shift later. You two enjoy your meal!"
With that, she strode off.
Shen's mother was furious—she had actually taken a liking to this "White Horse." Just as she was about to call Shen Xifan back, White Horse sprang up and chased after her.
"Miss Shen!" White Horse neighed. "Please go out with me!"
Shen Xifan paled, waving her hands. "Sorry, I’m not looking for that right now!"
White Horse rambled on, "Miss Shen, you're beautiful, successful, and especially driven—that’s what I admire most! Women should be financially independent. I can’t stand clingy types..."
She had him figured out now. Fighting the urge to vomit blood, she put on a pitiful act. "Thank you, but... I’m sick!"
White Horse gasped. "What’s wrong? Is it serious?"
"Gynecological issues!" She held up the bag of Chinese herbal medicine. "You know, in the hotel industry, it’s unavoidable..."
Before she could finish, White Horse bolted. Shen Xifan took two steps, then ducked into the restroom. Making sure no one was around, she leaned against the wall and burst into uncontrollable laughter...
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