Cen Jin stood in the hallway for a long time, feeling as suffocated as if standing under a torrential waterfall. The boy's final tearful gaze lingered relentlessly in her mind, tormenting her deeply.
Later, the motion-sensor light went out, but Cen Jin remained motionless. Her eyes warmed several times, yet she refused to let her tears flow unchecked.
Was it sorrow? Disappointment? Or resentment? None fully captured it.
It felt more like a pervasive powerlessness, weighing down her entire body, rendering her unable to move.
After a long while, the woman finally turned back and returned home.
The house was darker than usual, with only the living room light she had just switched on still illuminated. She walked to the coffee table, bent down, and picked up the overcoat.
This motion caused another paper-like object to flutter down. Cen Jin caught it and brought it close to her eyes.
It turned out to be another receipt, dated today, listing the materials and prices of several garments sent for dry cleaning earlier.
Cen Jin studied it for a moment, then placed both the coat and the receipt back where they were before retreating to her bedroom, utterly exhausted in body and mind.
As soon as she entered, her eyes fell upon the meticulously made bed, almost entirely free of wrinkles. Her and Li Wu's sleepwear were neatly folded side by side at the foot of the bed.
Suddenly, Cen Jin's eyes reddened.
How could human emotions be so fierce yet so fragile?
Just last night they had joyfully nestled together, yet today they were locked in fierce conflict, parting ways like sworn enemies.
Cen Jin removed her hair tie, collapsed onto the bed, and pulled the quilt high over herself—like an oyster or snail stripped of its shell, she could only choose this way to shield herself.
...
―
Early the next morning, Cen Jin went to F University, determined to have a clear conversation with Li Wu.
She disliked being misunderstood and detested unexplained cold wars. Even if it meant the end of their relationship, there had to be clearly articulated closure.
Most importantly, she didn't want to repeat past mistakes.
On the way, she called Li Wu twice, but both calls went unanswered—not because his phone was off or blocked, but because its owner simply let it ring without responding.
Forcing down the rising frustration in her heart, Cen Jin went directly to Li Wu's dormitory.
The campus was sparsely populated on Sunday, the trees and paths appearing unusually desolate.
Though she hadn't visited often, Cen Jin remembered the way to Li Wu's dorm clearly, moving with familiar ease.
Upon reaching the building, she dialed Li Wu one last time as a final attempt.
The young man still didn't answer.
Cen Jin strode directly inside, where the dorm attendant intercepted her in the lobby, asking whom she was looking for.
The woman's face was pale and stern: "Li Wu in room 302."
The attendant asked, "And you are?"
"I'm his—" Cen Jin paused, then stated firmly, "girlfriend."
The attendant had a strong impression of Li Wu but found this woman unfamiliar. Half-doubting, she sat back down and reached for the register: "You'll need to sign in."
Cen Jin frowned, scrawling her name and phone number with dramatic flair.
The attendant glanced down: "Wait here, I'll have the student come down to escort you."
When she looked up again, the graceful figure that had been at the window moments before was already storming up the stairs. The attendant opened her mouth, but it was too late to stop her.
Stopping outside room 302, Cen Jin worried the boys might still be resting, so she didn't hold back—slapping the door twice in rapid succession.
After a few seconds, a male voice called from inside, "Who is it?"—but it wasn't Li Wu.
Cen Jin raised her voice: "I'm here to see my boyfriend, Li Wu."
Immediately, commotion erupted inside, likely the other residents scrambling to get dressed.Before long, the door opened to reveal Xu Shuo, who seemed to have just woken up, still drowsy and dazed as he bowed clumsily. "Ah, hello, sis."
Cen Jin smiled gently. "Hello." Her gaze then swept past him, searching for her target like a parent barging into an internet cafe to drag their child home.
Li Wu was sitting at a desk flipping through a book, his eyes clear and focused, as if entirely in his own world.
Roommates who had been indirectly caught in her net-like gaze waved greetings, and Cen Jin nodded slightly in return.
Xu Shuo had guessed last night that their parting had been unpleasant—otherwise, Li Wu wouldn’t have returned in the dead of night looking ashen-faced.
But since his sister had come to offer an olive branch, why not just take it? He quickly glanced back at the boy glued to his chair and urged, "Li Wu?"
Li Wu didn’t utter a word, nor did his gaze shift an inch.
The roommates exchanged awkward glances, the atmosphere growing increasingly tense.
Cen Jin’s jaw tightened, and she strode directly over to the boy, tugging at him. "Come out with me."
Only then did Li Wu react. He shook off her grasp, brushed his sleeve, and asked coldly, "What for?"
Cen Jin’s chest heaved, but her voice remained steady. "Just for a little chat. It won’t take much of your time."
Li Wu’s eyes warmed slightly. Afraid she might notice, he abruptly stood up, hiding his vulnerability at a higher level.
After Li Wu pulled on his duffle coat, they walked out the door one after the other.
Seeing them descend the stairs together, the dorm supervisor finally relaxed, muttering a few words as she watched them leave.
They walked side by side but not close together.
Like two solitary whales, forced to swim parallel in this vast ocean of life merely because they moved at the same pace.
Cen Jin stole a few glances at him. The boy’s eyes were slightly swollen, his expression indifferent.
She recalled how he had wept himself raw the night before, and her heart ached faintly.
As they walked, she subtly drew closer, reaching for his hand hanging loosely at his side, swinging back and forth.
Li Wu stiffened slightly and tried to pull away, but she pursued, firmly gripping two of his fingers.
She was like an addiction—the moment their skin touched, his heart clenched, his mind grew muddled. Li Wu forgot to resist and let her hold on. His vulnerabilities weren’t just hidden in his eyes.
After a few steps, a breeze blew by, and Li Wu sobered up a little. He gripped her slightly cold hand in return, clasping it tightly in his palm as if to vent his resentment, squeezing so hard that every bone in Cen Jin’s fingers ached. She frowned slightly but didn’t pull away. Soon, she couldn’t bear it any longer and retaliated by digging her nails into him, scratching like an irritated cat, the force piercing through his skin.
They walked in silence, only battling it out beneath their sleeves.
In the end, Li Wu was the first to yield. He released his grip, then clasped her hand again, interlocking their fingers.
Disgusted with himself, he could only salvage a shred of dignity through words: "What did you come all the way here so early to talk about?"
Cen Jin stopped but didn’t let go. She moved in front of him, facing him directly. "Have you calmed down?"
Li Wu stopped as well, glanced at her, and deliberately defied her. "No."
Cen Jin curved her lips slightly but said nothing. Instead, she raised their joined hands, observing and stroking the red marks on his thumb webbing. "Does it hurt?"
Li Wu pressed his lips together and stayed silent, but deep down, he knew—this pain subdued him, even allowing him to savor a hint of pleasure.
Cen Jin kissed the spot, gently sucking with a touch of tenderness. Caught off guard, Li Wu stiffened, and the next moment, the woman wrapped her arms around his waist, locking him back into the cage she had designed, whether intentionally or not.Li Wu’s Adam’s apple bobbed as his palm hovered behind her back for a moment before he pressed her against himself.
They booked a room at a hotel near the school.
Once inside, the woman shed her long coat, revealing only a short-sleeved cheongsam beneath. Her slender waist was perfectly outlined, and silver-threaded peonies cascaded down the fabric, blooming extravagantly at the hem. Her long legs and arms were flawless, like polished jade.
Li Wu hadn’t expected this additional layer of surprise. His breathing grew heavier as he asked, “Why are you dressed like this?”
Cen Jin looked up at him, her tone sincere. “I bought this specially before your college entrance exams. I asked my mom if there were any traditions, and she said to wear a red cheongsam for good luck. But you didn’t let me see you off for the exams, so I never had a chance to wear it. It’s been sitting at home all this time. Today, I thought I’d wear it over to show you.”
She gently touched his left cheek. “Don’t be angry anymore, okay?”
In the next moment, Cen Jin was swept off her feet, hoisted onto the bed. The pure white sheets and the crimson fabric of her dress mingled like blood and milk. A beast unleashed, he bit and thrust with a ferocity that blurred the line between delight and malice. His movements were rough, devoid of restraint, forcing Cen Jin to gasp out between breaths and whimpers, “Be careful, don’t ruin it. I didn’t bring any spare clothes.”
…
From start to finish, Li Wu remained mostly silent. When it was over, he turned onto his side, his back to Cen Jin, lying so still he might have been asleep.
Cen Jin propped herself up to check on him and noticed his eyelashes were still fluttering. “Why do I feel like you’re still mad at me?” she asked.
Li Wu closed his eyes. “I’m not mad. I just don’t understand.”
Cen Jin pressed, “Don’t understand what?”
Li Wu replied, “I don’t understand why I have no bottom line.”
Cen Jin rested her chin on his shoulder, nuzzling back and forth. “I’m the one who came to find you today.”
“But the moment I heard your voice at the door, I lost control,” Li Wu said, his tone filled with resignation. “No, it started when you called me. My heart was both happy and aching.”
Cen Jin felt a pang of sorrow. Placing her hands on his upper arms, she forced him to turn over and meet her gaze. “Do you think I’m not suffering too? I didn’t sleep at all last night, thinking about how to talk to you, how to make peace, worrying if you’d really go through with it and never speak to me again, if you’d break up with me.”
Li Wu lay on his back, his dark hair pressed into the pillow, his eyes glistening under the overhead light. “The power has always been in your hands.”
For a moment, Cen Jin felt as if he were surrendering himself to her mercy, but she said, “I don’t see it that way. At the very least, I panicked last night.”
Li Wu seemed unconvinced, his gaze fixed intently on her as if searching for flaws.
“Look at your swollen eyes, all bloodshot. Who’s the villain that ruined the most beautiful eyes in the world?” She sat up straight, using both hands to gently pinch his eyelids.
The young man’s thick, dark lashes fluttered as he caught her hands, holding them firmly to stop her mischief. “I did it to myself,” he said. “I’m the one who ruined them.”
He was still sulking, but Cen Jin smiled. “There’s nothing between me and Zhou Suian. He just draped his coat over me and then took off in a taxi. What else could I do but wash it and mail it back to him? I even got drenched walking back to the garage. As for the meal, he deleted a Weibo post that helped me at work. I owed him, and some things aren’t easy to refuse even if you want to.”She continued, "I'll be honest too. The reason I didn't bring the coat home was because I factored you into consideration. You're too perceptive and sensitive—I was afraid you'd be upset."
"Does it annoy you?" Li Wu suddenly asked.
"Annoy me how?"
"Me." After a moment's thought, Cen Jin asked, "Do you want the truth or a lie?"
"The truth."
"Yes!" she gritted her teeth. "You always pick fights when I'm exhausted. It's really annoying, you know? Next time you want to argue, please schedule it during my time off. Besides, aren't you starting to get annoyed with me too? Regretting liking me now?"
Li Wu denied it outright: "I'm not."
"You won't even let me touch you, and you don't answer my calls. What else could that mean if not being annoyed with me?"
A flicker of warmth brightened Li Wu's expression. "I learned it all from you."
So he was blaming her now. Cen Jin bared her teeth in mock fury and pinched his ear to vent her frustration.
After their playful tussle, they settled into quiet.
Li Wu grew pensive again, rubbing his head in confusion. "Is this how other people are when they're in love?"
"How?"
"This difficult."
Cen Jin chuckled softly and smoothed the disheveled section of his hair, as if caressing a cluster of endearing innocence with an exquisite texture.
Li Wu let out a sigh. "It's so much harder than studying."
"How could there ever be an easy, convenient kind of love?" She felt a chill on her bare upper body and slipped back under the covers for warmth, finishing her thought: "If it were easy and convenient, it wouldn't be love—nor any genuine emotion, for that matter."
Li Wu immediately pulled her into his arms, holding her close as if to warm and smooth her out. "Earlier, I didn't want to talk because I realized it's only in these moments that I feel equal to you—sometimes even having the upper hand."
Cen Jin feigned ignorance. "What moments?"
"These."
He never spoke directly of their intimate encounters, always reverting swiftly to a chaste state of mind afterward.
Cen Jin laughed. "You mean sex? Is it something shameful or degrading?"
"No," Li Wu stammered slightly. "It's just that I feel..."
"Hmm?"
"That this is the only part of me you could possibly like."
"What nonsense are you talking?" Cen Jin pretended to be furious, studying him closely. "I clearly like your face too."
Li Wu was both pleased and dissatisfied. "Is that all?"
"And I like," she kissed the corner of his mouth that had unconsciously curled upward, "all of you."
Li Wu contentedly replied, "Me too."
Cen Jin gently pinched his chin. "So, can you have a little more confidence in yourself and in me? Don't always imagine me as some hypocritical woman who's quick to change her mind. Before you, I'd only been with one other person—I'm no seasoned dater or love scammer."
Li Wu's voice dimmed. "I'm sorry, what I said last night was all in anger. I just feel I'm not good enough, that I can't possibly enter your world, while other men manage it effortlessly after just a few days."
"How are you not good enough? Are you implying my judgment is poor for choosing you?"
"It's that you're better than me in every way. You're about to start your own business, and I'm still a useless student.""Don't compare your 19-year-old self to my 30-year-old self. These aren't comparable stages to compete in. Wait until you're 30 to compare with my 30-year-old self then." Cen Jin's expression remained serene, her tone devoid of any condescension: "You need to learn to reconcile with yourself and correct your thinking. Actually, you're already outstanding. I still remember that afternoon when I picked you up after your final college entrance exam - you confidently said I'd be busy once scores were released. You were radiant in that moment. Why does that disappear when facing someone like me who's self-aware? I don't want to see you like this."
The young man seemed to have a lump in his throat: "I don't know either."
Cen Jin sighed softly: "If you insist on comparing with me, you'll remain in a trailing position for quite some time. Because these eleven years stand between us - they won't compress. Life is barely a century, and eleven years constitute a significant portion. There will be many changes, turning points, and accumulations. If you keep dwelling on this gap, you'll remain trapped in this unconfident state."
Li Wu fell silent, seemingly digesting reality with some frustration and dejection.
The woman called his name again. The eleven-year gap also demanded she adjust her mindset and learn to guide: "Li Wu, you need to learn to reduce love's weight in your life. It's merely an embellishment, not a guiding beacon. When you treat love as a lighthouse, you're actually trapped in the same dark sea. Romance is a relationship you share with another person, but due to personality differences, environments, and various factors, it's hard to maintain balance or equal division. If you keep calculating this, your world will tilt into chaos at the slightest disturbance. Only you completely belong to yourself. Don't pathologically bind yourself to a relationship. Place yourself back in the primary position, at the center, and you'll find true direction. Remember in eleventh grade when you chose to take the subway and buses instead of letting me drive you? Have you forgotten that sense of autonomy and freedom?"
"You should also believe you've helped me tremendously - not in the ways your roommate describes you. You've helped me rediscover the state of loving and being loved after my divorce, making my emotions vibrant, full, and colorful. Whether good or bad, joyful or painful, I feel more energetic and look forward to each day more than before."
"I once read that love itself has no measure - there's only love, or no love. That later became my view on love, and I hope it can become yours too. I am who I am, you are who you are - just two people drawn together, embracing to share each other's sweetness and bitterness, original flavors and textures. Don't bother with those superficial rules and frameworks, insisting on perfect synchronization or social equivalence. I don't need those - I'm not the type who uses love as status enhancement. That's partly why I don't like actively mentioning relationships in front of others. If I truly cared about these things..."
Cen Jin raised her hand, touching the wristwatch: "I wouldn't have taken off the hundred-thousand-yuan watch to wear this one daily. Of course, this only applies to me, a woman you currently still like. If there's someone else in the future, that won't be my responsibility anymore."
Cen Jin suddenly teared up, realizing she'd lost sleep all night just to come say these things first thing in the morning.She had originally planned to write Li Wu a letter, crafting each sentence and every word to be precise, heartfelt, rational, and flawless. Yet she ultimately decided to speak face-to-face, treating it as a test for herself.
Fortunately, she succeeded—organizing her words coherently without backing down at the last moment or speaking recklessly. It seemed her romantic spirit still retained some warmth, flickering persistently.
Cen Jin applauded herself inwardly, gazing into the young man’s bright eyes: “Let me tell you what I was doing at 19. I was thinking about drinking milk tea, snacking, experimenting with all kinds of makeup, and obsessing over shoujo anime. And you? You were already making small achievements in academics, even nobly rejecting your school’s offer for postgraduate admission. If we had been the same age at the same university, would you still have liked me, Handsome Senior?”
Her words, along with the sudden term of address, lit up Li Wu’s world and stirred his heart. Dazed for a moment, he hurriedly asked, “What?”
“What do you mean, ‘what’?”
“The last four words.”
“You only heard the last four words?” Cen Jin snorted. “I forgot.”
After some playful pinching and prodding, Cen Jin raised her hands in surrender. Only after calling him by that same title three times in a row did Li Wu relent, pulling her into a tight embrace: “Yes, I would absolutely like you. I would’ve liked you from the very first glance.”
Whether she believed it or not, loving her was his destiny.
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