She couldn't deny it: "He's concerned about you too."
"Enough. About my matters, I want you to never mention them again. Just treat it like being bitten by a mad dog and forget it as soon as possible. Why did you have to tell him? Don't you have anything else to talk about besides making me the topic?"
Yu Jia knew that defending herself would only anger her daughter more: "No, I didn't discuss this excessively with him."
"Then why does he think he can tell me what to do?"
She had no choice but to say: "He was just making a suggestion, and I was only asking for your opinion. Maybe you would need this kind of help."
"Fine, let me make it clear to you now: I won't see any psychologist, and I won't join any support group. Please tell him to stop meddling in my business."
After that, Zuo Si'an became even colder toward Peter. Peter was left confused, and Yu Jia could only vaguely explain: "Just give her some space and let her gradually adapt to the environment here."
Any simple approach has a seemingly rough side, but it's undeniably efficient. The first semester ended in late November. The Easter holiday connected with Christmas and New Year's, and during the break, Yu Jia insisted on working while Zuo Si'an spent all her free time studying, frantically reading extensively and doing listening exercises.
When the winter semester from January to March began, she found her English skills had improved by leaps and bounds. Understanding the teacher's lectures was no longer a problem, and she truly started to adapt to the environment. After the spring break, the summer semester from April to June commenced. Zuo Si'an's math scores caused astonishment in the class. After effortlessly solving several math problems that the teacher said were at university level, her classmates began to look at her with admiration. The teacher privately attributed this to "Asians really are good at math," which greatly eased her anxiety.
She thought, they hadn't seen someone like Liu Guanchao, who truly possessed mathematical genius, or they would find his achievements unbelievable. Thinking of Liu Guanchao naturally made her recall her life back in China.
Zuo Si'an left at the end of August, only saying goodbye to Wang Wanyi by phone a few days before her departure. Wang Wanyi was very interested in the topic of studying abroad and mentioned that her family planned for her to study in the UK after high school graduation. She hoped Li Yang's family would make similar arrangements.
She didn't say goodbye to Liu Guanchao. After he told her about his sister, she no longer knew how to face him. She thought that for him, her departure might also be a relief.
Xu Weiming only learned the news from Wang Wanyi the day before she left. Naturally, he was both surprised and angry. He rushed to her home where she was packing alone and demanded why she hadn't informed him. With a genuinely apologetic expression, she said:
"I thought you would forget me soon, so there was no need to specifically say goodbye."
Her expression was sincere, without the coldness or pretense of coolness that Xu Weiming had expected. He found himself both amused and exasperated: "You always think my feelings are shallow."
"Of course not. I envy you. You're so healthy and cheerful in both body and mind - how wonderful."
"Even if you want to compliment me, you don't need to use such an old-fashioned tone."He crouched down to help her pack the suitcase, then suddenly excused himself hurriedly for an errand. Half an hour later, he rushed back and handed her a brand-new cloth bear: "That old one must be special if you're packing it to take with you. I'm giving you a new one—let's see how long it can keep you company."
She took it and couldn't help smiling. "Actually, my mom gave me that one when I was in elementary school. She's always been very busy and hardly ever had the patience to buy these little trinkets, so it does hold some special meaning for me. I've always kept it by my pillow—if I have a nightmare, waking up and seeing it makes me feel like I'm still lying in my own bed at home, and it was just a dream."
Xu Weiming rubbed his nose. "Why does every attempt at being sentimental in front of you end up feeling slightly comedic?"
"I'll keep this bear by my pillow too."
He laughed heartily. "Alright then, try to keep it for a long time, and try not to forget me too quickly."
They sat side by side on the floor when he suddenly leaned in to kiss her. She flinched away in surprise, but when she looked up, she saw sunlight enveloping him, making him appear clean and healthy. She had always been highly sensitive to malice, but she felt no threat from this handsome, occasionally roguish young man. Moreover, she clearly remembered how she had been nearly unconscious when Gao Xiang kissed her—in comparison, Xu Weiming's brief touch on her face carried almost no gender implication.
"You looking at me like that—how am I supposed to continue?"
"Stop pretending to be a bad guy. You're not really one."
He glared at her. "Next you're going to say I'm actually a good person, aren't you?"
She said softly, "Thank you."
He looked somewhat deflated. "Definitely not for kissing you and making you remember me forever."
She laughed openly. "Thank you for keeping me company during this time, and for skipping school to see me off."
The old and new bears sat side by side by Zuo Si'an's pillow, helping her through long nights in a foreign country when insomnia or nightmares wouldn't leave her alone.
Memories of all kinds haunted her. She knew she was far from being as carefree and forgetful as Xu Weiming imagined. Her only connection to China was through correspondence with Jingjing. Trapped all day in the jungle of English, receiving Jingjing's fluent Chinese letters about school life, travels between Liu Wan and Qinggang, new books she'd read, small troubles and loneliness—these always brought her comfort and faint joy. She was also willing to share parts of her life with this girl: new teachers, local customs, the ocean, weather, eccentric classmates, favorite English poems, the interesting music teacher... though only parts. There was a place deep inside her that she had no intention of opening to anyone, let alone seeing a psychologist or participating in mutual support exchanges with strangers.
Yu Jia's work was extremely busy and demanding, often spending over 12 hours daily in the laboratory. Aside from Peter's regular visits for meals, the mother and daughter's life wasn't much different from back in China—weekly grocery shopping trips, breakfast at home every morning, preparing two sandwiches for lunch, simple dinners at night before each returning to their rooms to continue working and studying.Peter half-jokingly chided Yu Jia, "Darling, I understand you find fulfillment in your work, but you can't let a young girl live this puritanical lifestyle like you do."
Yu Jia brushed it off, "What's the big deal? I lived like this myself back before the college entrance exams."
"No child in America would choose to live this way. Youth is so brief—spending it all on homework, cooped up at home, is such a waste."
Zuo Si'an came out to get some water and overheard them by chance. She frowned at first but couldn't help a wry smile. She still didn't want to interact with Peter, but she had to admit he was a good person—friendly and generous. Apart from his excessive enthusiasm, which kept her at a distance, she had no other issues with him.
When summer vacation arrived, Zuo Si'an started working part-time like the local kids. In summer, Portland was flooded with tourists, making it easy to find seasonal jobs. One day after work, she helped Yu Jia prepare dinner as usual. After they ate and washed the dishes together, she headed to her room, but Yu Jia stopped her, "Xiao An, let's talk."
"What is it?"
Yu Jia wore a hesitant expression, seemingly unsure where to begin. "There's something I hope you won't hold against me."
Zuo Si'an paused briefly, then let out a bitter laugh. "You're planning to get married?"
Yu Jia thought to herself that having an overly sensitive daughter was a double-edged sword. She nodded, "After we marry, we'll move to the house Peter bought in the suburbs. Your school will be a bit farther, but I can drive you."
Zuo Si'an's face slowly paled. Though she had known this day would come since her parents' divorce, her mother formally remarrying—confirming the complete rejection of her previous marriage—was still hard to accept. Without a word, she returned to her room. For the next few days, she didn't speak to Yu Jia and even avoided making eye contact.
Unwilling to let the cold war with her daughter continue, Yu Jia finally blocked her path. "Xiao An, try to understand Peter. Communicate with him before deciding whether you can accept him."
"No need," Zuo Si'an finally spoke. "I can't possibly accept a new father."
"You don't have to see him as a father—just... welcome him as family."
"I don't need new family either. But I have no right to object. I've thought it over—after all, marriage is between you and him. You don't need my approval."
"We'll be living together from now on. Of course, I hope for your understanding."
She looked at her mother calmly and said, "Whether I understand or not doesn't matter anymore, Mom. Next year, I'll be off to college. We'll only live together for one more year. Let's just respect each other's privacy."
Yu Jia had no choice but to reply, "I know his involvement in your affairs upsets you, but he means well. I'll remind him to be more careful."
The connection with her father seemed completely severed. A bleak sigh echoed in Zuo Si'an's heart. Yet even if her mother hadn't remarried, her father was thousands of miles away, their contact sparse. On the rare occasions they spoke on the phone, after asking "How have you been?" and exchanging the most basic updates, they'd both fall silent, with little left to say.She understood that she could never reclaim her father’s unconditional love, and blaming her mother for everything was unfair. After all, this was the life her mother had chosen—what right did she have to hypocritically voice her opinions?
She recalled Peter’s words: What kind of life did she want to choose?
She remembered the choices she had once tried to make and could only smile bitterly: It seemed life had never granted her the right or opportunity to choose.
3
As soon as November began, the weather in Portland turned cold. The summer crowds of tourists seeking refuge in Maine and the autumn visitors flocking to New England—including Maine—to admire the maple leaves had all departed, leaving the small city peaceful once again.
That afternoon, Zuo Si’an returned home from school earlier than usual. As always, she took the ingredients for dinner out of the refrigerator, made milk tea, and settled in the kitchen to read To Kill a Mockingbird, the assigned book for her English class. After extensive reading, her English comprehension had improved rapidly. The novel, written from the perspective of an exceptionally intelligent and endearing girl, depicted racial tensions in a small Southern town and was utterly captivating.
Just as she was fully absorbed in the book, the doorbell rang. Visitors were uncommon at this hour, so she was surprised. When she opened the door, she was stunned. Standing on the porch was Gao Xiang, his hair and the hem of his trench coat fluttering in the howling wind.
They stared intently at each other for a long while. She remained speechless, and he smiled faintly. “I drove here from Boston. It’s still early, so I thought you might not be back from school yet. I rang the doorbell on a whim.”
“There’s a teacher seminar this afternoon—it’s held every two weeks. I was supposed to babysit for Mrs. Brown, but her son Ben came down with chickenpox a few days ago, so she decided to take care of him herself.” Suddenly realizing he was still outside, she exclaimed, “Ah, it’s freezing! You’re not dressed warmly enough—come in quickly.”
He stepped inside and glanced around. “It’s a lovely house.”
“Peter bought it. He and my mom got married two months ago.” He looked at her, and she shrugged. “It’s fine. I’ll be off to college next year and won’t be living here much longer.”
“You seem to have grown a bit taller.”
She laughed. “You say that every time you see me. But yes, I’m five foot six now, about one meter sixty-seven.”
“That’s a good height. Don’t grow any taller.”
“Many girls here are taller than me. I wouldn’t mind growing a bit more, but I’m already 18, so it’s unlikely. Come, sit over here. I made milk tea.”
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