"Xiao An, she is your mother. Everything she has done for you cannot be considered a sacrifice."
"How can it not be? She wasn't like this before. The changes she made for me only remind me that I've become her burden. I don't want to see her unhappy while forcing herself to act like nothing's wrong. That's why I deliberately act like I don't care whether she's home or not, and even tell her to just go on business trips."
"This is your consideration for your mother. The danger she encountered during her business trip was just an accident. You don't need to blame yourself for it at all."
"I try my best not to be a burden to him, but... everything I do is wrong. I've clearly become everyone's burden. My father doesn't want to see me, my mother gave up more than half of her career pursuits for me, and you come over every time just to comfort me..."
Her tears finally began to trickle down from the corners of her eyes, but unlike before, she didn't burst into loud sobs. Instead, she pressed her lips tightly together, not making any sound. Gao Xiang pulled her over, put his arm around her shoulder, and let her lean against his chest. After a moment, she rested her head on his shoulder, yet her body remained stiff and tense, unable to relax.
"Believe me, Xiao An, none of this is your fault. Your parents definitely love you, though perhaps in a different way than before. As for me, don't deliberately avoid me anymore. I've never considered you a burden. I'll stay here with you today."
Under Gao Xiang's stern urging, Zuo Si'an reluctantly ate a little food and went to take a shower. After a long time passed without her coming out, and considering her physical condition, Gao Xiang grew anxious. He knocked on the bathroom door but heard no response. When he pushed the door lightly, it swung open. To his surprise, he saw Zuo Si'an lying in the bathtub, her head resting far to one side, her slender neck twisted at an awkward angle—she had actually fallen asleep. The bathroom was small and compact, with the bathtub only about two meters away from him, leaving her almost completely exposed to his view.
Gao Xiang froze instantly. He had always thought of Zuo Si'an as that undeveloped yet pregnant 14-year-old girl he first met. But now before him was a naked young woman—still slender, but with soft skin and delicate curves. He was completely unprepared for this sight—and it suddenly struck him that this was actually the second time he had seen her body.
Just then, Zuo Si'an's head slumped to the side, and her eyes snapped open. She sat up abruptly, causing the water in the bathtub to splash loudly. Their eyes met, and Gao Xiang finally regained his ability to move, quickly pulling the door shut.
"Get up quickly. Don't sleep in the bathtub—you'll catch a cold."
Zuo Si'an responded softly from inside.
Gao Xiang walked out to the balcony, where two rattan chairs and a small tea table were placed. He took out a cigarette, lit it anxiously, took a deep drag, and watched as the smoke slowly dispersed before him, merging into the night.After a while, Zuo Si'an also came over. She emerged wearing a two-piece pajama set printed with cartoon bears, silently reached behind the small flower stand against the wall to retrieve an ashtray, and placed it on the coffee table: "My mom always used to urge my dad to quit smoking and wouldn't let him smoke in the room. When he occasionally craved a cigarette, he'd sit here to smoke."
"Just now..."
"It's fine. The lock on the bathroom door has been broken for a long time—it opens with just a touch. Since it's just my mom and me at home, we forgot to fix it. I didn't expect I'd fall asleep." Under the moonlight, she looked at him, her eyes clear as water, her expression calm. "Don't worry, I won't misunderstand you."
His embarrassment faded: "That's good. Go to sleep."
She shook her head: "I'd like to sit here for a while, okay?"
He patted the chair beside him: "Sit for a bit longer, then go back to your room to sleep. Staying up like this will wear you out."
She sat down, took off her slippers, placed her feet on the rattan chair, curled up hugging her knees, and rested her chin on them as she gazed into the distance: "My dad said he picked up smoking in college when bragging with his dorm mates. What about you?"
He thought for a moment: "I smoked my first cigarette when I was a bit younger than you are now, just starting eighth grade—"
The person who handed it to him was Chen Ziyu. Remembering this now, he felt extremely uneasy inside. He shook his head, not wanting to continue the topic.
"Last year when I went to Ali, I noticed my dad wasn't smoking anymore. When I asked him, he said smoking on the plateau is asking for death. Since he went to Ali, he had to quit."
"That makes sense. Even Lao Zhang, that chain smoker, only dares to smoke half a cigarette in Shiquanhe Town. Time flies—it's already been a year since the trip to Ali."
She murmured almost to herself: "But sometimes time feels endlessly slow. I wish dawn would come quickly and the rescue efforts would progress faster."
"I'll stay with you. Don't be afraid."
She turned to look at him: "You can't stay with me forever."
Her words came so matter-of-factly that he was momentarily speechless. Yet there was no tone of complaint or coquettishness in her voice. She reached out and placed her hand on his wrist: "It's alright. Having you here now is enough."
He looked down at her slender fingers: "You're so mature, I don't even know how to comfort you."
"No need to comfort me. I've already grown up."
He felt a twinge of complex emotion, smiled faintly, and stubbed out his cigarette butt in the ashtray: "To me, you're still a child. By the way, did you end up watching Titanic that day?"
She seemed both surprised and uneasy, withdrawing her hand as she whispered: "All my classmates were talking about that movie, so I wanted to see it. I noticed Sister Ruodi... didn't seem very happy, and I didn't want to disturb you two, so I went to a different cinema. But the only available seats there were for a very late showing. I ended up buying a disc to watch at home."
"Don't avoid me on purpose anymore, Xiao An."
She responded with a soft "Mm."
As neighboring houses gradually turned off their lights and the noisy television sounds ceased one by one, Zuo Si'an finally couldn't stay awake any longer, resting her head on her knees and dozing off. Gao Xiang didn't want to disrupt her hard-won drowsiness, so he went over, picked her up, carried her into her bedroom, laid her on the bed, and pulled the thin quilt over her.He saw the small bear wearing a plaid shirt and overalls still placed by her pillow. He straightened the bear, then looked down at her. Her brows were slightly furrowed, lips pressed tightly together, showing none of the relaxation typical of someone deep in dreams. This unconscious expression pained him more than the calm she struggled to maintain while awake.
He turned off the light and went out, lying on the living room sofa where he continued reading company documents for a while before quickly falling asleep. Yet his sleep was restless, filled with vague dreams. He woke suddenly in the middle of the night, finding the room unusually bright—though not with the light of dawn. Collecting himself, he realized moonlight was streaming through the nearly transparent glass window, spilling like quicksilver across the polished floor.
He checked his watch: not yet five o'clock. The hours before dawn held the deepest darkness, when troubled thoughts most easily surged. From emotions to work, countless threads of worry resurfaced, compounded by the ineffable confusion of his recent dream. Instantly wide awake, he sat up, returned to the balcony, and lit a cigarette.
He had never been much of a smoker, only lighting up during social occasions or when his emotions were unsettled.
His first cigarette had been in eighth grade. Chen Ziyu called him up to the rooftop of his home, handed him a cigarette, placed one between his own lips, then produced a lighter and expertly lit both. He hesitantly took a puff, immediately coughing and frowning, while Chen Ziyu couldn't help but laugh heartily.
When Gao Ming caught them smoking, he said nothing to Chen Ziyu but called him downstairs for a stern scolding. Looking back, the few rule-breaking incidents in his well-behaved childhood all seemed connected to the name Chen Ziyu. If not for Gao Ming's strictness keeping him separated from Chen Ziyu; if he hadn't later left Qinggang to attend university in the provincial capital—would he have grown closer to Chen Ziyu, committing more forbidden or even illegal acts...
Thinking of Chen Ziyu again left him even more adrift in thought.
Just then, the living room telephone rang, piercingly loud in the silence. Gao Xiang turned and moved to answer it, but Zuo Si'an came running barefoot from the bedroom. Her hand touched the receiver but froze. She looked up at him, her face etched with extreme terror.
As the phone continued ringing, he said, "I'll get it."
She shook her head, picked up the trembling receiver with shaking hands. A few minutes later, she looked up at Gao Xiang, her expression caught between tears and laughter: "They found my mom. She's safe. She'll be home tomorrow."
Zuo Si'an dropped the phone, threw herself into Gao Xiang's arms, clutching him tightly as she emitted small, indistinct sobs—neither wholly sorrowful nor joyful.
3_
In the early morning of the fourth day after the landslide, roads to the disaster area were cleared. Rescue workers found Yu Jia, the foreign geological expert, and nearly forty villagers safe on a mountain ridge. However, their younger colleague remained missing. By the afternoon when Yu Jia disembarked from the plane, news arrived: his body had been found, confirming his death.The slight relief of surviving the disaster was overshadowed by the grief of losing a colleague. When Yu Jia returned home, her mood remained heavy. Meanwhile, Old Zhou had finally managed to relay the message to Zuo Xuejun through intermediaries. Shocked, Zuo Xuejun immediately drove to the township government to call home. Yu Jia answered and said firmly, "I'm fine. Don't worry, and there's no need for you to come back."
She hung up the phone and turned to see Zuo Si'an's eyes fixed on her, looking uneasy. Forcing a smile, she said, "I'm not angry with him, but it would take him several days to return, and it really wouldn't make any difference."
Zuo Si'an lowered her gaze and remained silent.
Too exhausted to say more, Yu Jia added, "Xiao An, order a few dishes from the restaurant downstairs later and ask Xiao Chao to stay for dinner. I'm going to lie down for a while."
Zuo Si'an thought to herself that even she had exhausted her reserves of fear and excitement. Hearing her father call only now brought no comfort, so how could she blame her mother for appearing indifferent? Liu Guanchao called out to her, "Xiao An, it's still early. Let me continue explaining the key points of physics to you."
She nodded. "Okay."
They resumed their studies in the living room. After a while, the doorbell rang. Zuo Si'an went to answer it and found a well-dressed, unfamiliar middle-aged woman standing outside, scrutinizing her with an indescribably critical gaze.
Puzzled, she asked, "Who are you looking for?"
"Is your mother home?"
Zuo Si'an froze. She didn't recognize the face, but the voice was familiar—she had heard it once before in the Qinggang County government dormitory and again at Qinggang Hospital. Struggling to stay calm, she demanded, "What are you doing here?"
Chen Zi Hui said irritably, "I'm here to see your mother. I know she's back. Tell her to come out."
Just then, Liu Guanchao also recognized Chen Zi Hui and immediately went to fetch Yu Jia. The moment Yu Jia saw Chen Zi Hui, she flared up. "Please leave immediately."
Unhurried, Chen Zi Hui replied, "There are some things I must say today. If you won't let me in, I'll have to say them right here at the door."
Yu Jia was furious, but despite her competence, she was an intellectual and had no way to deal with Chen Zi Hui's brazen obstinacy. After a moment's thought, she handed 100 yuan to Zuo Si'an. "Xiao An, take Xiao Chao downstairs for dinner."
But Zuo Si'an refused to take the money. "I'm staying home. I'm not going anywhere."
Faced with her daughter's sudden stubbornness, Yu Jia was equally helpless and could only wave her hand. "You and Xiao Chao go to your room and don't come out."
Yu Jia closed the door and said coldly, "Say what you have to say quickly and leave immediately."
OpenNovel