"Perhaps you're overthinking it. She's still young, after all, and can't handle such a major change, which is why she's behaving abnormally. You still need to communicate more with her and encourage her to express her thoughts."
"Of course I know what she's thinking, but I believe what she needs most is to forget that incident as soon as possible. Bringing it up repeatedly is like licking a wound—it only reminds her of the hurt and makes her more self-pitying."
Her calmness left Gao Xiang at a loss for words. Aunt Mei could only say, "Xiao Gao is right. Now that her father isn't around, you're her closest relative. I'm afraid you'll have to show more patience."
"The problem is, she doesn't want my patience—she wants her dad. Right now, she refuses to speak to me and won't even tell me when she's feeling unwell. I promised to take her to her father's place when I can take time off, but she thinks I'm just brushing her off." Yu Jia pushed up the sweater sleeve covering her right hand, revealing two long red scratches running from her hand to her forearm. "The day before yesterday, when I went to pick her up at the train station, she even got physical with me. I never imagined that she, who's always been quiet and well-behaved since she was little, would throw a tantrum in public—crying, shouting, and fighting with me."
Aunt Mei was clearly shocked and momentarily speechless.
"I'm not badmouthing him just because he wants a divorce. After the incident, he... completely changed. He became rude and disrespectful to everyone, abandoned his job, neglected the family, ignored his daughter, and didn't even say goodbye before leaving for Tibet. Xiao An seems to think I'm the cause of all this. When I try to reason with her, she won't listen. When I comfort her and say things will get better, she accuses me of being cold-hearted. I... really don't know what to do anymore."
At this point, Yu Jia could no longer hold back. She slowly sat down, pressing her temples, clearly exhausted. Aunt Mei patted her shoulder, comforting her not to worry. Gao Xiang stood awkwardly to the side. When he looked up, he noticed Zuo Si'an standing rigidly by the door, watching her mother. She wore a thick denim jacket, her figure so thin it was almost frail, her posture carrying a severity that didn't match her youthful face.
Meeting Gao Xiang's gaze, she turned and walked away.
4
Zuo Si'an went into the yard and stood under the osmanthus tree. The night sky was clear and cloudless, the nearly full moon hanging high in the dark blue western horizon. The bright moonlight filtered through the lush leaves of the osmanthus tree, casting dappled shadows. The leaves shimmered faintly as if waxed. The rural night was as tranquil and peaceful as the days she had spent here, yet she couldn't calm her restless heart.
"...rude and disrespectful to everyone, abandoned his job, neglected the family, ignored his daughter, and didn't even say goodbye before leaving for Tibet..." Yu Jia's description was objective, but the father in Zuo Si'an's heart was certainly not like that.
Neither Zuo Xuejun nor Yu Jia was from the local area. After their daughter was born, Yu Jia resumed her master's studies once her maternity leave ended. Zuo Xuejun's mother and Yu Jia's parents took turns helping care for Zuo Si'an until she was a year and a half old. Due to health and lifestyle differences, they eventually returned to their hometowns. Left with no choice, Zuo Xuejun began commuting early with Zuo Si'an, dropping her off at the government daycare center before heading to work.Every day, Zuo Xuejun would wake Zuo Si'an up, dress her while her eyes remained shut. If he let go, she would topple over and fall back asleep, making him both exasperated and amused. Dazed throughout, she let her father brush her teeth, comb her hair, and wash her face before carrying her out to catch the Tram. Zuo Si'an quickly learned that when the clock hands on the wall reached a certain position, her father might rush over during his work break to check on her, and at another angle, it meant he was coming to take her home. After getting off the Tram, Zuo Xuejun would take her to buy groceries on the way back. By the time he had dinner nearly ready, Yu Jia would return from work.
This repetitive, chore-filled life was undoubtedly taxing for a man, yet Zuo Xuejun never complained, earning a reputation as a model father and husband. Yu Jia acknowledged that with her husband’s support, she had completed her master’s degree while pregnant with Xiao An and later pursued a doctorate. She devoted most of her time to work, achieving notable success, but she was hardly a homemaker or a doting mother. Given Zuo Xuejun’s capabilities, he could have advanced further in his career, but his focus on family had hindered his promotions. Zuo Xuejun privately shared this sentiment, which was why he accepted a temporary post in Qinggang when Zuo Si'an was 13.
Zuo Si'an never felt deprived of maternal love. Zuo Xuejun’s care filled any void, and like her father, she accepted Yu Jia’s career ambitions without complaint. She considered her childhood complete and, given the choice, would have wished to remain in that stage forever, never having to grow up.
But time stops for no one, and she did grow up—transitioning from childhood to adolescence in a brutal way.
If being raped and getting pregnant was beyond the comprehension and endurance of a 14-year-old girl, giving birth was far from the liberation Zuo Si'an had imagined. In some ways, the process utterly shattered her.
Under partial anesthesia during the cesarean, she was acutely aware of the doctors cutting open her abdomen and removing a mass, all while discussing her identity and the newborn’s as if she weren’t there.
“Sigh, so young. It’s really pitiful.”
“Yes, I heard her father is being transferred.”
“After something like this, how could he stay?”
“The Chen Family is waiting outside to take the child.”
“The baby doesn’t look quite right…”
The procedure felt interminable. Numb, she lay still as they stitched up the incision, stitch by stitch.
The last time she had been stitched up was over a year ago, after falling off her bicycle and cutting her forehead—just three stitches. Zuo Xuejun had stayed by her side, more anxious than she was, repeatedly asking the doctor if it would leave a scar. Now, though her body was being sewn back together, she had a strange sensation: she had been torn apart forever, beyond any repair.
At that thought, she finally cried. The doctor noticed and took pity, comforting her, “Hang in there a little longer. It’s almost over.”The doctor's words meant nothing to Zuo Si'an. Yu Jia struggled to explain her father's whereabouts, but she couldn't comprehend this sudden news. All she knew was that Zuo Xuejun wasn't just away on a short business trip—he had completely vanished from her life without even saying goodbye. The thing that had troubled her for so long in her abdomen was indeed gone, but her body would forever bear an ugly scar, visible every time she lowered her head during a shower.
In truth, she didn't need such reminders. The scene etched in her mind was so vivid, as if her soul had left her body at that moment, hovering above and recording the entire process. Over time, her mind kept adding bloody details, automatically replaying them in her dreams. She frequently woke from nightmares, eventually unable to distinguish what had truly happened from what her uncontrolled imagination had conjured.
Fear, shame, and despair weighed so heavily on her that she couldn't breathe, lying awake all night. Yu Jia tried hard to communicate with her. She loved her mother and could see that this woman—who had never been skilled at household chores or particularly attentive—was making an effort to compensate her. But her father had always been the relative she relied on most; she had never developed the kind of intimate, confiding relationship with her mother. With her father's sudden departure, she had no idea where to even begin. She contracted that acute mastitis which even doctors couldn't explain. After treatment, as she slowly recovered, Yu Jia painfully scolded her: "If you weren't feeling well, why didn't you tell me? Even if you blame me, you shouldn't torture yourself just to make me feel guilty."
That her mother could misunderstand her like this left her speechless. In reality, she hadn't intentionally concealed anything at all. Her extreme aversion to hospitals was one factor; more importantly, her mind was so overwhelmed and dazed that she barely registered the physical discomfort. The violent fever, abscess, and excruciating pain nearly killed her, but at least they plunged her into days of unconscious sleep, temporarily pulling her back from the brink of mental collapse.
Though her body gradually healed with treatment, she still couldn't free herself from her father's abrupt departure without a word. She grew furious whenever she heard her mother criticize him, and upon overhearing their phone conversation about divorce, she could no longer stay in the house.
"Don't run off alone like this anymore—it's too dangerous. Your father certainly wouldn't want you to do this."
Zuo Si'an turned around to see Gao Xiang standing not far away. In the hazy moonlight, his expression appeared gentle and friendly.
"Please don't keep bringing up my father."
He sighed helplessly. "Your mother..."
"Don't mention my mother either."
"Alright. But if you disappear without a word like this, Aunt Mei will be very worried too. You should at least respect her feelings."
Zuo Si'an fell silent, staring straight ahead. After a long while, she suddenly spoke: "That time... I mean that day, did you really go to see my father?"
She knew she was being contradictory, but he answered earnestly: "Of course I went to see him."
"What did he say to you? Don't make up things he never said—I can tell."
Gao Xiang was stumped. After a moment's thought, he had no choice but to say: "We didn't talk for very long. He mentioned that a colleague from the provincial office had gone for Aid Tibet work and was in a car accident. He had to rush over to take over that person's duties, so he left in a hurry."Zuo Si'an breathed a huge sigh of relief and murmured, "I knew Mom was wrong. He wouldn't deliberately try to avoid me."
Gao Xiang realized he had once again put himself in an awkward position. Based on his judgment, Zuo Xuejun's voluntary request for Aid Tibet was largely an escape from reality, and Yu Jia had every reason to be angry. He didn't approve of Yu Jia revealing this to Zuo Si'an, but under the current circumstances, he felt that exacerbating the conflict between her and her daughter—even with good intentions—probably wasn't a rational approach. If Yu Jia found out, she would have every reason to accuse him of hypocrisy.
"Regardless, he's in Tibet now. When you needed care the most, it was your mother who stayed by your side, caring for you. You repeatedly threaten to run away from home, making her anxious. Is that fair to her? Even if you have grievances against her, you shouldn't use her love for you to punish her."
She bit her lip. "She was the one who blamed Dad first. She accused him of failing to take responsibility for my care. But she never considered that Dad was the one who always took care of me. She's always been most concerned about her career, too busy to look after me, which is why I came to Qinggang with Dad to study. Last summer, she went to Yunnan for a research project and didn't even bring me back."
"Disagreements between parents are normal. You can't blame everything on one side."
"I'm not blaming them. I blame myself. You wouldn't understand."
Gao Xiang was taken aback. "Xiao An, you're the victim. There's no reason to blame yourself."
"Right, I'm the victim. How pitiful that sounds. Anyone can sympathize with me."
"It's not what you think."
"Then what is it like?" Tears glistened in her eyes as she struggled to hold them back. "My teachers and classmates look at me like I'm a monster, whispering about me behind my back. My Dad won't even look me in the eye anymore, and Mom just tells me to forget everything, to act like nothing happened. But how am I supposed to forget?"
"This will pass."
"Will it? I don't know. All I know is my parents don't see it that way. When they argued, they said my life was already ruined."
Gao Xiang said with difficulty, "Xiao An, it's hard to stay rational during arguments. You've indeed gone through something terrible, but you're still young. Everything can start over."
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