At 3 a.m., Hu Xiu couldn't sleep. In the middle of the night, she posted a WeChat Moments update sharing the song "If I'm Not In Love With You." With Diao Zhiyu away, she truly found it difficult to fall asleep.
This feeling was peculiar. Though they only met one or two days a week, the habit of sleeping in each other's arms had taken hold of her, leaving her tossing and turning alone.
Perhaps nervousness came along with it too. Her mother had come to Shanghai, and she hadn't yet figured out how to face her.
Having lived alone in Shanghai for so long, her mother's visit somehow felt like an intrusion into her life.
Diao Zhiyu's message was startling: "Open the door..."
Peering through the peephole, she saw the handsome guy swaggering in wearing an Air Force jacket: "I was working on a script when I noticed you were still awake, so I figured I'd come over and sleep with you."
Such thoughtfulness was almost excessive. Hu Xiu asked, "What script?"
"Two projects. One is a Republican-era themed Live Action Role Playing Game commissioned by a venue in Tianjin. The other is a short film I want to make next. I still really want to be a director - I even shot some footage myself when I went to Southwest China."
"You're much deeper than I imagined."
"Of course. What's interesting about being an idol star? You can't go far relying on looks alone. Besides, this industry is maturing - music royalties, wardrobe costs, meals, everything costs money. I'd be in debt to the company before even debuting."
"You're so aware..."
"My classmate went to a talent show. To build a persona, they even shaved three years off his age - now he's supposedly born in 1999." Diao Zhiyu leaned close to her forehead: "What's wrong? Something on your mind?"
"Don't want you to know."
"Everyone has their dark side."
"Trying to act like nothing's wrong in front of me - your acting still needs work." Diao Zhiyu held her hand: "If I heard correctly from your nightmare last time, it's about your parents, right?"
"I just found out today that my parents... never actually divorced. They had such an ugly fight back then, I thought they'd let each other go. Turns out Mom just went north to avoid Dad."
"Going back to Nanjing?"
"Though it's none of my business, I really want to go back... I've been haunted by nightmares lately, remembering what happened when the engagement was called off." Hu Xiu smiled faintly: "Have to overcome this to move forward."
"If you don't want me to see them, I can wait here for you. But if they give you trouble because of me, then I should take responsibility. So, you can take me to Nanjing."
It was somewhat childish, yet made her want to laugh: "You really have a hundred ways to make me depend on you."
After saying this, she kissed her palm and pressed it against Diao Zhiyu's cheek. He then held her hand and kissed her thoroughly before they burrowed under the covers. Closing her eyes, she soon dreamed of a scooter tumbling down stairs, jolting awake with a shudder. The arm holding her tightened.
Holding onto the camel's arm - it truly did help her sleep more soundly.
They returned to Nanjing early the next morning. Zhujiang Road used to be a bustling landmark, called the Zhongguancun of Nanjing, where the electronic products within three kilometers downstairs could circle the Earth several times.
Returning now, Zhujiang Road had been redeveloped. The family's once relatively new six-story building stood dilapidated and worn.
According to Doctor Jin's perspective, the over ten years spent here were truly not a good home for either her mother or herself.
Going upstairs, Hu Xiu's heart tightened. Calculating the time, her mother should have already arrived.Don't be nervous, they're just mom and dad—thinking this made her even more anxious, her stomach twisting into knots.
Dad opened the door, his expression already grim, growing angrier at the sight of her. "Why are you here too?"
"I'm your daughter." As she said this, the furniture in her mind seemed to plummet from a great height.
The living room she entered and the kitchen to the right frequently appeared in her nightmares, and now she still felt at a loss; Mom was wrapped in a green leather jacket, her skin somewhat withered from long years in the north, though her hair remained jet-black.
Her face was tight, likely already preparing to lay cards on the table. She patted the sofa, signaling her to come over, and this peculiar sense of a three-person family made her even more uncomfortable.
"This house has changed so much. Last time I was here, you were throwing my things out, and when I went to Heilongjiang, I only had a small bag."
Mom's words were too direct, making Hu Xiu's heart skip a beat.
"You were sleeping with another man here. I was just throwing out the filth from this house."
"It's because you never came home. And your heart belonged to someone else."
"That's because you were always flaunting yourself. I couldn't stand it."
"Good, the truth is out. What was your reason for marrying me back then? Revenge? Vanity? You never could stand me anyway."
They really didn't care about arguing in front of her; after all these years, nothing had changed.
After eight years, the house no longer held any traces of her or her mother. Hu Xiu remained seated as sunlight streamed through the window, falling on the piano she had played day and night.
On the wall, Dad had mounted shelves holding a guitar, erhu, pipa... Under her fixed gaze, her parents' harsh accusations continued unabated.
Amid the quarreling, she sank into memories. Had Mom officially started a new relationship when she was thirteen?
It had been on and off—after all, this woman who used to come home punctually to cook had suddenly begun using overtime as an excuse.
That night when she was eighteen, busy filling out college applications, she was choosing her desired major from three thick volumes of program information.
Business Administration, Human Resource Management, Law... Those clearly written yet unpredictable major names made her want to seek advice, since she'd be spending four years with them.
That night, Dad knocked on the door, his expression like a villain from a mystery story.
She had been terrified too—Mom's lover was in the master bedroom, about to leave for the night shift later.
Instinctively, she sided with Mom and the lover uncle; Dad's gaze was too frightening.
Just as the lover walked past Dad and Dad turned to chase after him, she spoke up: "Dad, I need to submit my college applications tomorrow. Can you help me look them over?"
Before she went upstairs, had they reminisced? Were there any memories worth preserving that could be called love?
To reach marriage, there must have been some affection, right? If it was all hatred, then why did she exist?
Their mismatched memories assembled into irreversible resentment—one pridefully obsessed with revenge, believing his wife's impropriety meant divorce was the only way to prevent her happiness, dragging things out; the other convinced her husband never loved her, that marriage was imprisonment, seeking salvation through other men, hiding far away after being broken and harmed by her husband... She thought, how could she have parents like these?"Perfect timing, your daughter is back too. Look at you two sitting together - truly like two peas in a pod.
How shamelessly you used to fawn over men is exactly how coquettishly your daughter carries on with her romance in Shanghai."
Hearing this, Hu Xiu seemed jolted awake: "Dad!"
"She scorns the men I introduce, rejecting well-qualified doctors to mess around with some minor actor. Nothing but a pretty face, almost thirty at twenty-eight - destined to be laughed at just like you..."
She could tolerate comments about herself, but not about Diao Zhiyu. She shot up from her seat: "Dad. I truly thought during my hospital days, you saw how hard I worked. Yet you're still hung up on who I love? Can't you just see me?"
"What's there to see! Quitting your prestigious hospital interpreter position to make videos online, even acting in them - you think I didn't know? I didn't chase you to Shanghai to teach you a lesson, but now you're back. You..."
"Me what? Going to smash my things in my rented apartment again? You've already done that once before.
I really don't understand why you harbor such hatred toward me and Mom - the people closest to you - to the point of wanting to destroy us.
Because we're not good enough? Because we failed to meet your expectations? Because we're family so you can belittle us freely?
You thought we'd never leave, but we're all gone, desperate to stay far away from you.
Dad, if you don't love us, just let go. I finally understand now - winning your approval is too difficult. And frankly, not that necessary."
Before she finished speaking, her father slapped her across the face. Her left ear rang as her mother rushed forward and pushed him away: "Have you gone mad? That's your daughter!"
"She doesn't deserve it!"
A year ago, Hu Xiu might have run away, escaped, comforted herself thinking Dad's anger would fade in a few days.
But now she stood her ground, turning back with a flushed face yet feeling no shame, enunciating each word clearly: "You don't deserve to be my father either."
She walked out without shedding a single tear. Strangely, though heartbroken, she felt no urge to cry.
Sitting in her hotel room listening to study materials, the thick textbook failed to hold her attention.
She had arranged with Diao Zhiyu to return in a few days, telling him not to worry, yet merely thinking of his name made her nose tingle.
Angrily, she shed a few tears. Damn it, Nanjing's atmosphere was too gloomy. Her phone rang - Mom asking her to come downstairs. Strange, how did she find this small hotel in Baixia District?
Her mother stood downstairs, smiling as she greeted her: "Dingding, it's been ages since we visited Xuanwu Lake Park. Shall we take a walk?"
The weekday park was nearly empty, the weather damp and cold. Walking deep into the park with her mother, they sat by the lake watching the silver water and thin mist.
In the distance, a toddler chased after her mother, falling and getting up repeatedly. Hu Xiu thought she might have had such intimate childhood moments with her mother too.
Now they were the kind of relationship that couldn't easily bridge the distance even when sitting on the same bench.
"I brought you lots of snacks. You used to love pineapple cakes and cookies so much you ruined your teeth. I bought them all this time - Russian ones, extra sweet."
Hu Xiu didn't actually like snacks. She used to stuff herself with sweets because there was often no proper meal at home.
"How have you been lately? With that handsome boyfriend of yours?"
"Yeah...""I didn't expect that. I thought good-looking boys all had wandering hearts."
"How did you know I was staying at that hotel in Baixia District?"
"A mother's intuition. When you were little, your dad and I often brought you to eat around here. Your dad guessed you'd be here too."
She held her breath: "Why did you pursue Dad back then?"
"I saw he was a teacher who could play piano, violin, and harmonica - I like romantic people.
Later I discovered those instruments were all just tools for him to make a living. I was careless. This time when I come back for the divorce, I want to transfer my household registration too. It'll take some time.
But I want to stay in the north. If you ever come to the north to find me, you're welcome, daughter."
She thought the family had long since fallen apart, but hearing it confirmed today still inevitably brought sadness.
"Your father has been like this since he was young - people he doesn't like can't catch his eye, those he admires he lowers himself to please, while those close to him he unconditionally belittles, all while thinking he's expressing love."
"Don't speak for him."
Her mother didn't respond, just continued.
"When your father drove me out of the house, I only had thirty thousand in my savings. I rented a small place up north, with no neighbors above or below.
I followed the trend and bought a DVD player, singing karaoke at home every day. Sounds a bit tacky, doesn't it?
But it was really popular there. I'd sing even at midnight, until I turned off the lights and saw myself looking like a ghost in the dark - it scared me so much I laughed.
That's when I realized - I'm almost fifty, not pretty anymore, childish, even crazy, but I still want to love myself. At this age, I can be selfish."Speaking of which, Hu Xiu felt somewhat relieved, maybe because of the damp scent, maybe because of her mother's words, or maybe because something had clicked in her heart." She asked, Mom, do you love me?
"I do. We both love you. Though I dislike him, some of what he says makes sense.
He couldn't marry his mentor's daughter because he was just a teacher, while I was willing to marry him precisely because he was a teacher.
How important status and money are hasn't changed with time. It's just that he taught you using what he thought was the most advanced approach - but it's outdated, and his delivery is too harsh."
In translation terms, it's about delivery - Dad's delivery score is zero.
She sat on the stool basking in the sun, her body gradually warming up. Indeed, the love her father and mother gave her was so misaligned that not a single seam could match up.
Beyond familial bonds, the relationship between parents and children is perhaps more about ties. Hard to explain, can't let go yet can't leave, both joyful and painful.
"I live not far from you. Take these gifts back with you and return to Shanghai."
"Okay..."
The suitcase was filled with snacks she couldn't possibly finish. Though Hu Xiu had a high-speed train back to Shanghai the next day, she still went home that evening.
Knocking and entering the living room, she saw two boxes of Tang Cake House pastries and Moutai - someone had visited. Meeting eyes, she was startled by the person before her.
Diao Zhiyu, dressed impeccably formal, had beaten her to the visit. White shirt, black leather shoes, neatly trimmed hair - so formal he looked like he'd come to propose.
Her whole being froze.
"What are you doing here?""He came to visit me looking for a drama teacher in Nanjing." Dad came in, pulled up a chair and sat down, ignoring her as he spoke only to Diao Zhiyu. He mentioned that the teacher from the Communication University of China's Nanguang branch had discovered celebrities and was a friend of his; he had been invited to compose music for Nanjing University's small theater, and many students at the Conservatory now were trained by him. If one really wanted to find someone to help improve acting skills, it wasn’t impossible...
After saying this, he pointed at Hu Xiu: "She really likes Nanjing University's small theater. She used to skip going home on weekends just to watch plays there."
Hu Xiu found it strange—she had never really examined her father closely before, and it seemed he was a little more impressive than she had imagined.
Diao Zhiyu smiled: "She actually met me at that small theater. I had just graduated back then and was still lost as a young actor. If it weren’t for her encouragement, I wouldn’t be so determined to pursue acting now."
They chatted for two hours. Hu Xiu had wanted to have a proper talk with her father but couldn’t get a word in.
When Diao Zhiyu stood up, he said, "I heard you have an evening class, Uncle. I should get going. Hu Xiu, are you coming with me?"
"Go ahead, I’m almost running late."
Did her father not even want to say a word to her?
Just as they were about to leave, her father suddenly called out, "Diao Zhiyu..."
Diao Zhiyu, dressed formally, turned around. His head nearly reached the doorframe as he stood respectfully before her father.
"Treat Hu Xiu well. She deserves an explanation."
Diao Zhiyu smiled: "If you agree, I will marry her."
Hu Xiu felt light-headed as she went downstairs. Get married? Who agreed? Was he showing off? She followed Diao Zhiyu, winding down the long staircase: "Diao Zhiyu, how long have you been here? What did you talk about with my dad? What did that last sentence mean?"
"All secrets..."
"Marry me? Who agreed?"
"Your dad didn’t answer either," Diao Zhiyu changed the subject as he opened the building door. "Eight years ago, when you saw things being thrown down, where were you standing?"
Hu Xiu paused for a moment, then pointed to an empty spot a few meters away—where three trash cans used to be.
Diao Zhiyu took her hand and led her there, standing quietly without speaking. It seemed like rain was falling—the endless drizzle of a southern late autumn soon dampened their cheeks.
"I’ve heard about your past from Zhao Xiaorou. Your mother’s lover lived in your home, your and your mother’s belongings were thrown downstairs, and your ex-fiancé decided to break off the engagement with you right here. I know it all.
When I heard about your nightmares the other day, I wondered what I could do to help you forget these things completely. I thought about it over and over.
Maybe you could overcome them on your own, but perhaps if I showed up and walked through every place that haunts your dreams, it could wash away those unpleasant memories.
At the very least, if someone steals from you in your dreams, I could step in and fight, protect you—play the superhero."
"You..."
"Me what?"
"Are you Ultraman or Iron Man?"
"I haven’t decided yet. Maybe Pegasus Seiya."
"No, I don’t want to be Athena—always praying sincerely, never doing anything, with a bunch of Saints spending their time protecting her. At the very least, we should fight together."
"Black Widow, then..."
"No, that sounds awful."
Standing downstairs, Hu Xiu looked up at the fifth-floor balcony. It was quiet, with nothing about to fall.
Instead, snow drifted from the sky—Nanjing was snowing. The snow melted as it touched the ground, leaving the surface wet and clean, no longer as filthy as it once was.Hu Xiu said, "So that time you came all the way north to find me wasn't an act. I'm relieved."
"Why would it be an act? I wanted to see you. Though I was gradually drawing you closer, appearing when you needed me is what a boyfriend should do anyway. I care about you more than you think."
"Diao Zhiyu, you're too good. Sometimes I worry whether I deserve you."
"And no one else would persistently look for me like you do. In Live Action Role Playing Games, players come and go quickly—liking someone isn't permanent."
The two stood in place for a long time. One might expect to shiver from being drenched, but they didn't feel cold at all.
Diao Zhiyu seemed to recall something: "Speaking of which, we've never celebrated each other's birthdays, and we've hardly exchanged gifts. The only time was during Christmas, and even that was ruined by Pei Zhen."
"He's going to be a father soon."
Diao Zhiyu paused for a second: "Why am I not surprised at all? Well, is there any dream you haven't achieved yet?"
Hu Xiu remained silent for a long while: "Just now, I thought to myself—if you could read minds, you'd probably guess."
Diao Zhiyu laughed: "That's too much..."
Perhaps what you're thinking is, "I wish I could be with you forever," but the truth is—I want to see Qin Xiaoyi one more time.
I really like you, more than you imagine. I once thought that perhaps in Snowpiercer, I'd keep all my feelings for you to myself, treating it as a private girlish infatuation, a record of my late-twenties heart flutter.
I also thought that when you told me your name, it would be enough to just be simple friends; maybe after work, you'd occasionally remember me as a player; perhaps when you felt bored after dinner and wanted a drink, you'd pass by and call for me downstairs; or maybe after flirting with other girls and feeling disappointed, you'd occasionally feel something for me, with my hopeful eyes...
It's also possible that after you left Snowpiercer, you'd occasionally recall impulsive and infatuated players, digging out my almost invisible presence from the edges of your face blindness.
If my humble girlish thoughts hadn't been saved, it might have become another tragic story, but my life would still have been illuminated—
What Qin Xiaoyi brought me was inspiration, the most beautiful and tragic imagination between love and reality, so much so that even when it was truly broken, I'd still feel a lingering pain; if I could keep you forever in that fictional dimension, becoming my most precious and unforgettable fantasy, perhaps you'd shine even brighter than by my side.
Fortunately, being able to briefly have you now is probably both my happiness and my regret.
If I could see Qin Xiaoyi one more time, witness your growth, then my passing through your life trajectory might also be an irreplaceable moment for you.
And you'll never know any of this.
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