Huang Guifen was born in the north. In her memories, northern winters were marked by heavy snowfall, with snow often piling up to knee height. She would build snowmen and have snowball fights with friends—these were among the rare joys of her childhood.
She had a younger sister and a younger brother, and every day she had to return home to take care of them. Her parents worked during the day, so the responsibility of looking after her siblings fell on her.
From the time she was just tall enough to reach the edge of the kang, she had already acted like an adult, holding her sister’s hand and leading her brother. When the adults weren’t around, she had to shoulder the burden of ensuring the survival of the two younger children.
It wasn’t that she never resented it, but every household was the same. Whenever she brought it up, her parents would say, “You’re the eldest sister—what else can we do?”
Being the eldest sister meant responsibility, tolerance, and even unconditional sacrifice.
When she reached school age, it happened to be a time of upheaval. Her parents, worried about the chaos outside and her need to care for her siblings, kept her at home instead of sending her to school.
At ten years old, to support the Third Front construction, she followed her parents on a long journey from the north to Nancheng.
Back then, the economic gap between Nancheng and her hometown was vast. When they first arrived, her younger siblings cried incessantly. Though she herself struggled to adjust, she had to endure it, comforting her sister and coaxing her brother.
She lied to them: “It’s okay. In a few years, Mom and Dad will take us back.”
But year after year passed. The tumultuous decade came to an end, China began its reform and opening-up, and the Third Front construction was declared complete—yet they never returned.
These distant newcomers, alongside the local residents, worked to develop these harsh regions. She and her sister followed their parents into the mines, laboring as a family to support their brother’s education.
It wasn’t that she never thought about going to school herself, but what was the point? No matter how much a girl studied, she would still end up married. And if her natal family couldn’t support her, her in-laws would look down on her.
Her only option was to focus on supporting her brother, praying that he would eventually go to university, get assigned a job, and become a minor official. That way, when she married, her in-laws wouldn’t dare mistreat her.
Back then, she didn’t have many expectations for the future. She just wanted to marry into a decent family, live a passable life, and avoid being bullied—most importantly, she didn’t want to be beaten.
Her parents often fought. Every time she saw her mother battered by her father, she feared for her own future.
What if her husband turned out the same way?
Sometimes she wondered—if that really happened, could she get a divorce?
New China had been established, and the law said women had the right to divorce. But the moment she tentatively voiced this thought to her mother, her mother slapped her across the face. “What kind of nonsense is a young girl like you thinking? Have you no shame? A divorced woman has no husband’s family—where would you even be buried when you die? You’d be looked down on while alive and have no resting place after death.”
“But what if he hits me?”
“Then you endure it,” her mother snapped, turning back to the laundry. After a moment, she softened slightly. “That’s why I tell you to learn household chores and be clever. If you’re lazy and clueless, isn’t getting beaten your own fault? Why would a decent family hit you for no reason?”
“But Dad hits you,” she muttered under her breath.
Her mother’s eyes widened instantly, and she grabbed a washing bat to strike her. “Have you no respect? How dare you spout such nonsense?!”Women should be smart, hardworking, virtuous, and quick-witted. They must know how to protect themselves, abide by the rules, and never engage in any improper behavior with men...
Her mother had instilled these lessons in her since childhood, often reinforcing them with cautionary tales about girls who had "broken the rules."
Like the girl who got pregnant before marriage, was pointed at and gossiped about, and eventually jumped into a river;
Or the girl who went out alone at night, had her purity ruined by a hooligan, reported it to the police—the hooligan was caught and executed—but her reputation was destroyed. People talked about her everywhere, no one wanted to marry her, and in the end, she hanged herself from a beam;
Or the girl who fell in love with a man, only to later discover he had a fiancée. The fiancée brought people to drag her out, stripped her naked, beat her, and paraded her through the streets with shoes hung around her neck. Her parents, overwhelmed with shame, refused to intervene. The girl returned home and jumped into a well;
Or the girl who was lazy, disliked by her in-laws after marriage, got divorced, and wasn’t allowed back by her own family. With no home or place to stay, she now lived in a cave by the river, rumored to survive by selling her body...
These stories from her mother were deeply etched into her memory, into her very life.
In her early twenties, she reached marriageable age, and many came to propose matches for her.
A northern girl, tall and beautiful, she had no shortage of suitors. After careful consideration, she chose Ye Ling.
Because Ye Ling was educated, she thought he would have a good temper and likely wouldn’t hit her.
After marrying Ye Ling, things went as she had hoped. He had a gentle disposition and never lost his temper with her. On the rare occasions they argued, she would call her brother over, and Ye Ling, intimidated by his brother-in-law’s assertiveness, would quickly back down.
She worked in the mining industry, while Ye Ling was an elementary school teacher. When his school organized a collective housing project, they pooled their resources and bought a small home.
Life was smooth sailing—until Ye Sibei was born.
Ye Sibei arrived in the dead of winter. As the first child, Huang Guifen had a difficult delivery. Ye Ling’s entire family rushed to the hospital and waited outside the delivery room. When the doctor emerged, Huang Guifen clearly heard someone ask, “Boy or girl?”
The doctor’s reply carried a hint of regret: “A girl. But that’s fine too.”
The “that’s fine too” sounded forced.
Once the baby was confirmed to be a girl, Ye Sibei was brought to Huang Guifen. The Ye family deliberated all night, and finally, Ye Ling came to her bedside, his head bowed as if in shame.
“Guifen,” he said softly, “Mom says she’ll take the baby back to raise her.”
This wasn’t unusual. Huang Guifen understood immediately what Ye Ling meant.
With the strict family planning policies in place, those working in state-owned units like them were only allowed one child. But not every family could accept having just a daughter.
So some families, upon having a girl, would send her back to their hometown to be raised in secret, then arrange for an adoption by a childless relative.
Huang Guifen held the baby in her arms. The child was still wrinkled and red, but she was quiet and content, having just been fed. Nestled against her mother, she seemed to find her whole world there.
Tears welled in Huang Guifen’s eyes. Ye Ling grew flustered and hurried to explain, “Guifen, I’m the only son in our family. I can’t let the family line die out...”
Huang Guifen understood. She even sympathized. And besides, this child—a girl without a brother—who would help her if something happened in the future?
“Take her away.”She spoke hoarsely, no longer willing to hold the child any longer, afraid that if she held her for even a moment more, she wouldn’t be able to let go.
She handed the child to Ye Ling: "Tell your mother..."
She paused, then finally murmured softly, "Never mind."
Being born isn’t necessarily a blessing, and leaving carelessly might not be a misfortune either.
She said no more. Ye Ling held the child, also feeling sorrowful. After a moment’s thought, he forced a smile. "Why don’t you give the child a name?"
Huang Guifen turned to look out the window at the heavy snowfall.
But the snow in the southern city would never be like that of the north—vast and overwhelming, covering endless fields.
Watching the snowflakes outside, she thought of her youth, a time when she understood nothing and didn’t find life so hard.
"Si Bei."
She rasped the name. "Call her Si Bei."
That was the only thing she ever did for this child.
Then the child was carried away. That same year, the wave of layoffs hit, and she was forced out of her job. With no other choice, she began selling breakfast at a small stall outside the school.
From then on, having a son became an obsession for her and Ye Ling.
She had already sacrificed one child—she had to have a son.
This time, she was prepared. She asked around everywhere, searching for medicine to ensure a son.
She heard that machines could determine the baby’s sex, so she and Ye Ling spent a fortune to pull strings and find out the gender of the child she was carrying.
Fortunately, this time, it was a boy.
When news of the boy reached their hometown, Ye Ling’s mother rushed overnight to the county to take care of her.
She had never experienced such treatment before. Her mother-in-law was kind to her, Ye Ling obeyed her every word, and he wouldn’t even let her carry a bag when they went out.
A son had elevated her status overnight.
She was deeply grateful to this child. Even while pregnant, she had already decided he would attend the best schools, just like her younger brother.
Her life, her luck—all of it was because she had a good brother to rely on. Now, she would have a good son too.
But the good times didn’t last. Not long after the child was born, Ye Ling was reported by someone and lost his job.
With his job gone and no one in the countryside willing to adopt Ye Sibei, she was simply sent back.
Ye Ling’s unemployment had already strained the family’s finances, and now with Ye Sibei back, there was another mouth to feed. Huang Guifen struggled to suppress her disgust for Ye Sibei. Compared to her, Ye Nianwen had brought her nothing but good fortune—she couldn’t help but believe in fate.
She often found herself blaming Ye Sibei. Though young, the girl was sharp-tongued, always talking back whenever Huang Guifen scolded her. Sometimes, when she couldn’t win the argument, Huang Guifen would lose her temper and hit her.
Her days were already exhausting, and coming home to chaos only made her more irritable. After Ye Ling lost his job, he relied entirely on her for support, which only added to her frustration.
But the only one she could vent her anger on was Ye Sibei.
She would berate Ye Sibei for not taking better care of Ye Nianwen, only for the girl to retort, "Why didn’t you take better care of me?"
Huang Guifen couldn’t understand. Wasn’t it natural for an older sister to look after her younger brother, to yield to him and sacrifice for him?
That was how she had lived her life—why was Ye Sibei so selfish?
But no matter how much she hit or scolded, no matter how she tried to impose her own mother’s teachings on Ye Sibei, the girl refused to believe or accept any of it.With the nation's implementation of nine-year compulsory education, Ye Sibei had no choice but to attend school. She was bright and excelled in her studies. Every time she came home triumphantly waving her test papers, Huang Guifen couldn't quite explain why, but she disliked seeing Ye Sibei's boastful demeanor.
She always found herself unable to resist making a few critical remarks. Yet at night, when Ye Sibei was asleep, she would sit by the bed, glancing once, then again, at the "Three Good Student" award certificate on the table beside her child.
She couldn't help but think—this child was truly promising, far more capable than her mother.
Since the reform and opening-up, the country had developed rapidly, and life had undergone tremendous changes.
Especially after 2001, when China joined the WTO, people around her began using pagers and mobile phones. Every household now had a television, a DVD player, running water, and some even had toilets and bathrooms...
Alongside the economic transformation, people's mindsets also underwent a seismic shift.
More and more families split up, divorcing. At first, divorced women were scorned, but gradually, society began to accept it.
The investment made by single-child families in their daughters allowed many girls to see a different kind of life for women. The times made more people aware of life's injustices.
Ye Sibei was sixteen when she tested into high school.
By Huang Guifen's old way of thinking, she would have sent Ye Sibei off to work long ago. After all, no matter how much a girl studied, she would eventually have to marry, take care of the family, and raise children.
But seeing Ye Sibei's joy, she couldn't bring herself to say those words.
At night, she tentatively asked Ye Ling, "Sibei's grown up now. Studying is useless—it's just a waste of money. What do you think?"
Ye Ling leaned against the headboard, reading a newspaper under the dim lamplight. "If she can study, let her. More education is always good."
Hearing this, Huang Guifen felt an inexplicable sense of guilt lift from her heart. It was Ye Ling who allowed Ye Sibei to study, not her. Girls weren't supposed to study—they should be like her, starting work early to contribute to the family. It was Ye Ling who indulged Ye Sibei. She wasn't at fault.
Ye Sibei entered high school, cheerful every day. But to cover her increased living expenses, Huang Guifen scrimped and saved. When the child wasn't around, she and Ye Ling never ate meat.
They conserved water, went years without buying new clothes. When she saw a scarf she liked, she looked at it over and over, but never bought it.
This kind of life made Huang Guifen anxious and irritable, so whenever she saw Ye Sibei carefree and untroubled, she couldn't help but want to scold her.
In Ye Sibei's final year of high school, Ye Nianwen failed his high school entrance exam.
After a night of discussion, Ye Ling and Huang Guifen resolved to get him into a good high school no matter what. They borrowed money from relatives and scraped together 50,000 yuan to pay the so-called "campus construction sponsorship fee," securing him a spot at Nan City's best high school.
Afraid of pressuring Ye Nianwen, they didn't say much, but the debt weighed heavily on them.
After much deliberation, the couple finally told Ye Sibei on the eve of the new semester, "Maybe you should go work instead."
High school was followed by university—both costly endeavors. If Ye Sibei worked, there'd be one more person to help repay the debt.
Ye Sibei froze at these words, bewildered. "I'm already in my last year of high school. Why should I go work now?"
Later, she begged them through tears, insisting that her grades were excellent and she could definitely get into university.Her crying finally made Huang Guifen erupt.
Who couldn't have had a bright future? Why was it that as the eldest sister, she could sacrifice herself, but Ye Sibei couldn't?
Everyone had gone through this, everyone had lived this painful life—why was she so immature, why did she get to fight back?
That night, the house was filled with chaos. Ye Nianwen hid in his room, stuffing his ears with headphones, blasting cheerful melodies from his MP3 player: "Shout 'I love you' to the sky, tell the brightest star 'I miss you'..."
Outside, Ye Sibei cried, Huang Guifen cried, and Ye Nianwen cried.
Some wept for the past, others for the future.
In the end, Ye Sibei was forced to decide to drop out of school. But just before she did, a teacher from her school came to persuade her, saying her grades were excellent and that someone was willing to sponsor her so she could continue her education.
Ye Sibei cried tears of joy and immediately followed the teacher back to school.
After Ye Sibei left, Ye Nianwen sat in his room and heard his mother softly sobbing in the living room.
Perhaps only when the hardship was lifted did parents dare to face their own mistakes and helplessness.
From then on, there seemed to be a barrier between Ye Sibei and her family.
She desperately tried to escape this home, this city. And as the years passed, Huang Guifen grew increasingly fearful of her daughter's attempts to flee.
She was afraid of Ye Sibei leaving. She didn't know why—maybe out of worry, maybe out of resistance to her daughter's dislike of her, or perhaps, deep down, it was that tiny bit of selfishness inherent in human nature.
Raise children to provide for old age. As she grew older, she began to fear—what would happen to her when she was old?
Her mother had been sent off by her and her sister in the end. Her brother, though earning money outside, had no idea how to care for others. She couldn't imagine how Ye Nianwen, with his temperament, would look after them without Ye Sibei.
Ye Nianwen had grown accustomed to his parents' sacrifices and had never even thought of repaying them.
So she fought desperately against Ye Sibei. Her temper grew worse. Ye Nianwen called her annoying, said she couldn't keep up with the times; Ye Ling called her petty, called her ignorant; Ye Sibei said she never cared about her, never loved her.
Everyone disliked her, resented her.
And yet, she had truly devoted her entire life to all of them.
Only, she gave more to Ye Nianwen and Ye Ling, and less to Ye Sibei.
Later, when something happened to Ye Sibei, the moment Huang Guifen received the call, all the things she had seen and heard in her youth flashed through her mind.
The girl who called the police and jumped into the river, the girls who were gossiped about and pointed at.
Sex was nothing—as long as no one knew, what difference did it make from being beaten up or bitten by a dog?
In her lifetime, she had witnessed all kinds of human warmth and cruelty—the decade-long turmoil, the upheaval after the wave of layoffs in the '90s. In the grand scheme of life, in the face of life and death, poverty, and hardship, sex itself meant little.
What was terrifying was being an outcast.
Ye Sibei's generation, born in the '90s, was hailed as the new generation crossing the century. Their earliest memories were of Hong Kong's return, China joining the WTO, the nation's rising power, and the flourishing of economy, society, and culture.
This generation pursued individuality and independence, taking pride in being unconventional. They could never understand what the word "outcast" truly meant to Huang Guifen's generation—how terrifying it was.The starkly different worldviews shaped by time between two generations finally erupted sharply in this disaster.
She protected her daughter in her own way, but in the end, her daughter told her that this very protection was the greatest oppression she could inflict.
When her daughter said, "You're old," she felt a momentary daze.
That night, she went online and saw so many people criticizing Ye Sibei. Yet among those who condemned her, there were just as many who supported her.
That night, in her dreams, she seemed to return to her hometown. Amid the swirling snow, her younger self trudged through the storm, shaping snowballs for fights and building snowmen. Back then, she had never known what difference there was between herself and men.
Her daughter had no retreat left—she had to stand up. If even she didn’t support Ye Sibei, what would become of her?
She accompanied Ye Sibei through the lawsuit, standing by her till the very end. For a fleeting moment, she felt as though the person beside her wasn’t Ye Sibei at all.
When Ye Sibei decided to leave Nancheng, when she watched her sit in the car, drifting further from home...
She saw the light fall upon Ye Sibei’s car, and in that haze, she glimpsed her younger self.
"Ye Sibei, go."
Perhaps in this lifetime, I’ll never learn to love you purely. But your mother hopes you’ll live better than I did—that you’ll learn to love yourself without reservation and love your child with all your heart.
Unburdened by the times, unburdened by yourself.
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