The little girl held an umbrella for him as the heavy rain poured down. After holding it for so long, her arms grew unsteady.
Pei Chuan raised his hand several times but silently lowered it again.
This year, Bei Yao was eleven years old. The little girl hadn’t yet grown into her features, her hair tied into a small ponytail. She wore clothes and pants handed down from her older cousin Xiao Cang, looking somewhat disheveled.
Everyone said she wasn’t as delicate and pretty as Minmin from the same neighborhood, but when Pei Chuan happened to glance up, her cheeks, still soft with baby fat, were smeared carelessly with rainwater. Her eyes were bright and clear, as if the rain had washed the world clean within them. The outline of her face hinted at the remarkable beauty and gentleness she would grow into.
Pei Chuan gritted his teeth and pushed his wheelchair himself. He didn’t refuse her kindness, but neither did he speak a single word to her.
Because the wheelchair moved at an inconsistent pace, Bei Yao struggled to keep the umbrella over him. Holding the umbrella forward for so long made her arms ache, and she had no choice but to match Pei Chuan’s speed, stopping and starting in the heavy rain.
By the end, only the two of them remained under the curtain of rain.
For a moment, Pei Chuan hated her.
Listening to the sound of her footsteps following closely behind, he hated that she bothered with him. He hated that even though he was so cold and unpleasant, she still hadn’t gotten angry and run home.
They weren’t close, were they?
How much better was that one pitiful, formulaic greeting each year compared to a stranger?
It seemed he had never hated anyone like this before—hated her for being naive and unaware, stumbling into his dark world and carving out a tiny glimmer of light. Even the greedy and ignorant Xu Feifei wasn’t as detestable as her!
If only she would disappear from his life, then he wouldn’t feel so agitated.
By the time the two children reached home, it was very late. Zhao Zhilan, having returned from work and found her daughter still absent, grew anxious and paced back and forth at the entrance of their neighborhood.
She was just about to head toward the school to search when she saw her daughter walking back with Pei Chuan, holding an umbrella for him.
Zhao Zhilan froze for a moment, looking at the half-drenched Pei Chuan and the thoroughly soaked Yao Yao, unsure of what to say.
After all, she was a mature adult. Watching the young boy’s thin yet straight-backed posture, she frowned with concern.
Pei Chuan also noticed Zhao Zhilan’s expression. Without a word, he pushed his wheelchair away “rudely.”
Zhao Zhilan turned to Bei Yao. The little girl explained, “I ran into Pei Chuan on my way home from school, so I came back with him. I’m sorry, Mom, I got my clothes and shoes wet.”
Zhao Zhilan sighed, thinking she had overcomplicated things. Her daughter was still too young to understand.
“Let’s go home and change your clothes.”
After that day, everything seemed to return to normal. Sometimes, Pei Chuan would wait quietly by the sofa near his home’s entrance, hoping Jiang Wenjuan would come back to see him someday—to say she missed her son, to say she regretted leaving their family.
Then he could forgive her.
For the sake of the good mother she had once been.
But as summer turned to winter, Jiang Wenjuan ultimately vanished from Pei Chuan’s life.
Pei Chuan knew she would never return.
Yet his other “wish” came true as he grew older—after starting middle school, Bei Yao disappeared from his life.
Now, only Pei Haobin remained as the adult in the household. Pei Haobin had to work and occasionally handle emergency assignments. With Pei Chuan in a wheelchair and commuting being difficult, he began living on campus from his first year of middle school.The teacher looked at Pei Chuan with concern. Was he expecting other classmates to take care of him? Things like going to the bathroom?
Pei Chuan said calmly, "Teacher, I live alone."
The most remote vacant dormitory was eventually assigned to Pei Chuan. Every day, he woke up on time, washed up, supported himself with his arms to sit in the wheelchair, and then went to class.
Most of the boys living in the same dormitory building would curiously glance at that "isolated" ground-floor room. However, everyone knew Pei Chuan was aloof, so no one approached him to strike up a conversation.
Seasons passed, and Pei Chuan felt that his current life was no different from before. The first lesson growth taught him was to get used to loneliness.
Pei Chuan's "wish" had come true—he no longer saw that innocent little face with round, almond-shaped eyes downstairs.
In August, he also missed the birthday cake she would have given him.
In both final exams, Pei Chuan ranked first in his grade.
Pei Chuan's deskmate, a boy named Sun Yuan, began initiating conversations with him. Before summer break started, Sun Yuan even gave Pei Chuan a yo-yo.
Pei Chuan accepted it indifferently.
When he returned to the residential area, he spotted Bei Yao almost immediately.
Her medium-length hair was loose as she picked scallions in her family's flowerbed, accompanied by Fang Minjun.
The two girls crouched under the sunlight, with Bei Yao holding a seedpod of "whistle grass" between her lips.
She blew gently, and a crisp sound carried far into the distance.
But when she turned and saw Pei Chuan in his wheelchair, Bei Yao immediately removed it, glancing at him with some embarrassment.
Hesitantly, she greeted him, "Are you on break?"
Pei Chuan shouldn't have responded, but her awkward greeting made him tighten his grip on the yo-yo. He replied, "Yeah."
She smiled sheepishly, seemingly at a loss for words.
Well, they weren't close to begin with. As a child, she would shamelessly call him "brother," but even the most oblivious person grows up knowing not to address others so casually.
Facing each other in silence, Pei Chuan pushed his wheelchair toward home.
After he had gone quite a distance, Pei Chuan overheard them chatting. Unlike the restraint she showed around him, her laughter was clear and lively, full of unbridled joy.
His "wish" had come true, yet he "hated" her even more.
Pei Chuan didn't know what outcome he truly wanted.
This year, he was fourteen and about to start eighth grade.
Just before summer break ended, on a sunny day, the girls in the residential area were playing jump rope in the yard.
Cicadas chirped crisply, accompanied by bursts of cheerful cheers.
Frowning, Pei Chuan pushed open his window and saw Bei Yao attempting cartwheels.
Her cartwheels were incredibly clumsy—unlike the lively movements of boys. The little girl would first place both hands on the ground, then exert force to lift one leg over the high rubber band rope. Though awkward, she radiated youthful energy under the sunlight, brimming with the essence of adolescence.
When she succeeded, the girls burst into laughter.
Her clothes, inverted during the move, revealed a section of her fair, slender waist.
The baby fat on her face hadn't yet faded, but that slim waist curved gracefully, its delicate hollow exuding beauty.
Pei Chuan's expression remained blank as he snapped the curtains shut with a swift pull.
When Pei Chuan was in eighth grade, Bei Yao happened to enter middle school. That year, most children attended nearby schools for convenience rather than testing into city ones. Thus, Pei Chuan and Bei Yao ended up in the same school again, though he remained one grade ahead of her.That yo-yo, Pei Chuan could casually toss it and, with nimble fingers, perform various tricks.
Occasionally, his deskmate Sun Yuan would initiate conversations with Pei Chuan. Though Pei Chuan responded coldly, Sun Yuan, being naturally talkative, didn’t mind his indifference. Over time, Pei Chuan would occasionally reply to him.
Some of the boys in eighth grade had just entered their voice-changing phase and had also begun enthusiastically discussing a different kind of gossip.
“Have you heard? Zeng Ziwen from Class Three and Cao Fangfang are dating.”
“Really? They’re so bold.”
“Exactly. I heard someone say they kiss on the playground after school.”
Sun Yuan chuckled hoarsely at this, his grating laughter unpleasant, and muttered about going to see for himself after school.
Sun Yuan glanced sideways at his deskmate. While everyone around him was heatedly discussing the stirrings of first love, his deskmate sat like a meditating old monk, solving physics problems meant for ninth graders—cold and expressionless.
Sometimes Sun Yuan wondered how one’s curiosity could be so utterly absent.
But that night, Pei Chuan had a dream.
In the dream, it was their school’s playground. The sky had darkened, and it seemed windy, with no one around. His legs felt healed—he could stand. The surroundings were quiet, with only him and the girl beneath him.
Her cheeks were flushed, her almond-shaped eyes sparkling like clear water, seeming to smile yet not, no longer as innocent as before. The young girl gently traced his chin with her fingers, tilting her head to look at him.
His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he couldn’t resist pressing down on her.
Twisting and turning, it was never enough.
All notions of abstinence, disinterest, coldness, and indifference had nothing to do with him. He hovered over her, tightly gripping her small hands, expressing his desperate, uncontrollable longing.
The school’s wake-up bell roused him at dawn.
He sat up in his narrow bed, saw the damp patch on his pants, and silently lay back down.
Pei Chuan let out a bitter laugh.
Outside, the sky was still dim. The school’s thin walls carried the sounds of others waking up, clattering as they bumped into things. Yet, the surrounding noise couldn’t compare to the turmoil in his heart. This dream shattered his long-standing self-deception—he liked her very much.
His first awakening of love was for her.
What “hatred” was there? That uncontrollable fluster in youth was simply the beginning of human recognition of emotion.
Pei Chuan lay still, breathing heavily like a dying man.
The boarding students had to go for a run; he didn’t, so he had over ten minutes more than others.
He thought of the Bei Yao in his dream.
It was her, yet not her. That proactive, alluring girl might be what he had always yearned for her to do to him. He had fantasized about a girl who liked him—who adored him as a woman adores a man. Not out of pity, but the kind of allure that stirs hormones.
How laughable. She thought he hated her, yet in the dream, with just a crook of her finger, he couldn’t help but throw himself at her.
Pei Chuan no longer “hated” her. What he should despise was himself.
In his second year of junior high, thanks to a gossip-loving deskmate, Pei Chuan had heard of Shang Mengxian.
On the path of growing up, one sometimes grows curious about vague affections and sexual instincts.Pretty girls often became the subject of hushed discussions among boys in class, just as it was common for boys to compare sizes when bored.
Sun Yuan said, "You know Senior Shang Mengxian from ninth grade, right? I heard she's really wild—sometimes even dating guys from outside school. She's the boldest, but she's pretty and knows how to apply makeup. Her makeup looks great, unlike Chen Lianan from our class, whose face looks like a mess with all that makeup."
Pei Chuan had always been indifferent to people and matters unrelated to him, so he showed no reaction upon hearing this.
That was until Shang Mengxian started approaching him. Sometimes she would jog alongside him in her short skirt on the way back to the dormitory.
Occasionally, she would deliberately compliment him, praising his academic performance or his looks.
This teenage girl was clever; having interacted with enough boys, she knew men's pride and vanity thrived on words of admiration.
However, this tactic didn't work on Pei Chuan. He looked at her coldly, as if watching a clown.
Any trace of vanity had died in him long ago, leaving not a shred behind.
Shang Mengxian's attitude was ambiguous, seemingly convinced that boys his age were easy to provoke and seduce. Sometimes she gave him chocolates, other times collections of love poems.
Yet Pei Chuan had rejected her from the start. But since Shang Mengxian had legs of her own and insisted on following him, there was nothing anyone could do.
Shang Mengxian grew somewhat angry and felt humiliated.
Her friend said, "Hey, you still haven't won over that guy in the wheelchair? It's been so long. I thought once you showed a little interest, he'd cling to you desperately?"
Shang Mengxian gritted her teeth and replied, "Maybe he's just shy."
But she was determined to "conquer" him as quickly as possible.
In her youth, Shang Mengxian treated his disability as an amusing and novel game, cruel without realizing it.
One evening at dusk, as Shang Mengxian followed Pei Chuan back to the dormitory, she deliberately sucked on a lollipop and then stopped him. She was wearing makeup, but girls her age had little money, and her cosmetics reeked of cheap quality.
The boy sat in his wheelchair, watching coldly to see what trick she would play.
Shang Mengxian took the lollipop out of her mouth and quickly brushed it against the boy's pale lips. "Is it sweet?"
Regardless of where she had learned this seduction technique, Pei Chuan gripped his wheelchair tightly, his gaze turning icy.
A wave of nausea churned in his stomach, and he suddenly reached out, clamping his hand firmly around Shang Mengxian's chin.
The boy's slender, burning hand felt like an iron vise. Shang Mengxian cried out in pain. Only then did she see the coldness in his eyes, like January snow, devoid of any emotion. Instead of the blushing, moved expression she had imagined, his eyes were filled with violent rage, as if he wanted to burn her to ashes.
Shang Mengxian finally grew afraid. The lollipop fell to the ground as she desperately tried to slap his hand away.
Her friend, sensing the situation had turned bad, rushed over to rescue Shang Mengxian.
They saw three finger marks on Shang Mengxian's face, already bruising and swelling.
The two girls dared only to curse at Pei Chuan from a distance before fleeing in panic.
Pei Chuan returned to his dorm and washed his face repeatedly.
Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he slowly revealed an expression of mockery and disgust.However, this matter was far from over. For Shang Mengxian, who was accustomed to basking in the admiration of boys and holding herself above others, the previous incident felt like a direct slap in the face in front of her close friends.
The next day, rumors spread throughout the campus that Pei Chuan, shameless and reckless, was pursuing Shang Mengxian.
Wherever he went, whispers and mocking laughter followed.
Sun Yuan looked at Pei Chuan with a complicated expression but said nothing.
After that day, Pei Chuan began to face retaliation from Shang Mengxian's "admirers." Shang Mengxian had spread the word that Pei Chuan was pestering her, making her sick. Impulsive and immature boys, eager to prove their loyalty and bravery to the one they liked, soon secretly beat Pei Chuan up. Curled on the ground, Pei Chuan protected his head without uttering a sound, his gaze as still as an eternal night.
Sometimes, these boys would throw trash into Pei Chuan's desk drawer. Pei Chuan would clean it out without a word.
Once, they even placed a green vine snake inside. Pei Chuan pulled the snake out of the drawer, gripped it firmly behind the head, and with a sharp twist, the snake writhed silently.
The entire class erupted in screams at that moment.
Pei Chuan scanned the room, his eyes cold and detached.
Those who met his gaze quickly averted their eyes, pretending nothing had happened. After that day, no one bothered him again. Bullying the weak and fearing the strong was an instinct for many, though Sun Yuan also kept his distance and stopped speaking to him.
Pei Chuan let out a cold laugh.
Before entering the third year of junior high, he contacted some of his old "acquaintances."
These acquaintances thanked him for providing information about Ding Wenxiang, which had taught Ding Wenxiang a lesson. This time, Pei Chuan tapped his wheelchair and asked indifferently, "Interested in Shang Mengxian, who's in her third year?"
After hearing the response, Pei Chuan said darkly, "No, wait until she graduates. No need to force her; just lure her in."
Later, after graduating from junior high, Shang Mengxian was said to have run off with someone.
Many years later, someone spotted her in an entertainment club, indulging in a life of luxury and willing to do anything.
That year, Pei Chuan was preparing for the high school entrance exams. Sometimes, he would gaze at the bright sunlight in the sky, squinting. What had felt warm and comforting in his childhood now seemed glaringly harsh.
One day, as he pushed his wheelchair from the cafeteria to his dormitory, holding a lunchbox, a pristine white badminton shuttlecock landed squarely in his lap.
The shuttlecock bounced off the lunchbox and was caught in his palm.
Pei Chuan looked up and saw a group of flustered, awkward girls.
He also saw Bei Yao.
Having worked up a light sweat playing in the autumn heat, she had her pant legs slightly rolled up, revealing her slender calves. She glanced back at her companions before reluctantly walking toward Pei Chuan.
He didn't throw the shuttlecock back but held it tightly, waiting for Bei Yao to approach.
It had been so long since he had spoken a word to her.
The young girl asked timidly, "Did it hit you? I'm sorry. Could you please return the shuttlecock to us?"
As she drew closer, he caught the scent on her—not the faint milkiness of her childhood, but a light, lilac-like fragrance.
Her voice, too, had lost the childish softness of her youth, now carrying the gentle warmth of a spring breeze.
Such was the south, where girls spoke with a soft, melodious dialect.
He stretched out his hand, palm open, the white shuttlecock resting in its center.Pei Chuan remained silent, simply watching her quietly. Bei Yao felt a bit nervous as she took the badminton from his palm. Her soft fingertips accidentally brushed against his palm, causing his fingers to tremble slightly. He said softly, "It's fine."
After all, they were neighbors. Bei Yao smiled at him and said, "Thank you."
She ran back to continue playing badminton with her friends.
Watching her lively and adorable retreating figure, he seriously pondered for the first time: When had she started to distance herself from him? If he had accepted that umbrella back in sixth grade, would things have turned out differently?
But the past was the past, and there was no use in regretting it.
He rubbed his palm and wheeled himself away.
After graduating from middle school, Pei Chuan thought his life and Bei Yao would no longer intersect. Those midnight dreams, intense and lingering, would remain unknown to anyone in this lifetime.
During middle school, the school gossip shifted to Bei Yao.
She had grown up. The glimpse of beauty foreseen in that heavy rain had become a reality by the time she was fourteen or fifteen.
He was glad he had graduated, buying himself another year to avoid thinking about her constantly. That year, something else happened: his father remarried, to a widow named Chen Xiu.
Later, Pei Haobin was injured while on duty and lay unconscious in bed.
Chen Xiu found it extremely unlucky and feared others would say she brought misfortune to her husband, so she stubbornly refused to visit Pei Haobin. Pei Chuan listened daily as his aunt and uncle argued—a timid woman wanting to take him in, while the man bluntly called him a cripple.
It was almost laughable how they could even argue in the hospital room.
After everyone had left,
Pei Chuan looked at Pei Haobin, pale and lifeless on the bed: "It might be for the best if you never wake up. Dying like a hero is so noble."
He chuckled softly, "But your taste in women is just awful."
In the end, things didn't go "as he wished"—Pei Haobin woke up.
The woman named Chen Xiu returned as if nothing had happened, shedding a few tears and turning the hospital room into a theatrical stage.
Pei Chuan sat by the door, his mocking expression fading as he spotted two figures in the distance.
For a good part of middle school, he had heard Bei Yao's name from others.
Now, she approached holding a bouquet of carnations, dressed in a light blue dress. From afar, he glanced at her, his heart racing uncontrollably before he lowered his gaze.
That dazzling brilliance, which had pierced through her youth, began to ache persistently.
Even though she wasn't there to see him—only visiting Uncle Pei as a friendly neighbor.
Standing by the door under the warm July sun, he watched her slender figure and narrowed his eyes.
Deep down, Pei Chuan understood: this vibrant, lovely light was never meant for him in this lifetime. How could anyone ever hold onto light?
Once he started high school, he thought, once he met more women, prettier and better ones, he could forget these unspeakable feelings, forget the yearnings that no one else knew, year after year.
In high school, Pei Chuan met people like Gao Jun and Yu Yifan.
When it came to enrollment, he chose No. 1 High School.
After starting high school, Pei Chuan never returned home.
He had also heard of Jin Ziyang and others from the neighboring No. 3 High School, but people like Gao Jun were entirely different.They were part of the underworld, covered in tattoos, unlike ordinary rich kids like Jin Ziyang. This group wasn't particularly wealthy, but they were ruthless enough.
They admired Pei Chuan and mingled together for mutual benefit. Though no one knew where Pei Chuan got his funds, Gao Jun and the others would help him handle some troublesome matters.
As time passed, Pei Chuan began to forget what his former self was like.
He learned to smoke and drink.
He also learned to forget Bei Yao.
After all, she wasn't a girl he could ever have—why cling to longing thoughts?
Of course, later on he did encounter other beautiful girls.
Gao Jun and his crew knew how to play with women, frequenting all sorts of clubs. Unlike Jin Ziyang and his friends who went to "Allure World," Gao Jun's preferred spot was a place called "Little Royal Court," jokingly referred to as a man's paradise.
They had no boundaries when it came to women, indulging in all kinds of debauchery.
Pei Chuan lazily narrowed his eyes, feeling nothing toward the live erotic scenes unfolding around him.
A woman draped herself over his shoulder, her breath fragrant as orchids.
Pei Chuan smiled faintly, but his heart felt as though it were mired in the dark mud of some past year, devoid of any sensation.
It was like when he was young and someone suddenly pressed a candy, wet with saliva, against his lips. Apart from disgust, he couldn’t summon even a flicker of desire.
He pushed the woman away, finding the whole affair utterly dull.
Gao Jun and the others teased, "Brother Chuan, are you not up for it?"
Pei Chuan shot them a cold glare.
Gao Jun, biting a cigarette, quickly backtracked, "Alright, alright, we get it. She’s not your type."
Later, during their senior year of high school, around Christmas, Gao Jun and his friends heard about Bei Yao from Sixth High.
To put it simply, she was a pure, stunning beauty who had kept an unusually low profile over the past couple of years. The moment Gao Jun saw her photo, he grinned and said, "This chick is hot. Wanna have some fun with her?"
Of course, they didn’t dare go too far with a girl like her—causing a serious incident would be disastrous. But kissing and groping would still be a thrill.
They didn’t mention it to Pei Chuan, since he never seemed interested in such matters.
True scoundrels like them were both brazen and skilled at this sort of thing.
When Bei Yao, drugged unconscious, was delivered to "Little Royal Court," Pei Chuan took one look and froze completely.
"Why is she here?"
Gao Jun exclaimed in surprise, "What, you know her, Brother Chuan?"
Pei Chuan gritted his teeth. "You brought her here?"
Misreading his tone, Gao Jun replied excitedly, "Yeah, isn’t she pretty? So tender you could squeeze water out of her. Interested, Brother Chuan? You can have her first—just don’t go too far. Leave her virginity intact, so she doesn’t try to kill herself."
A beast that had lain dormant within him for years suddenly bared its fangs. Pei Chuan felt his blood run cold, then surge backward.
That night, security at Little Royal Court had to intervene.
It was the first time Pei Chuan had ever gotten into a fight. He stabbed Gao Jun several times with a shattered beer bottle.
He didn’t fare much better himself—Gao Jun’s fists were no joke. In a desperate bid to survive Pei Chuan’s frenzy, Gao Jun smashed a beer bottle against Pei Chuan’s head, leaving a gash.
Blood trickled down from his temple.
Gao Jun was nearly driven mad too. "Are you fucking insane? I haven’t even touched her! Fine, I’ll send her back…"
Haven’t touched her? What more did you want to do? Pei Chuan thought wildly. For nearly eighteen years, he hadn’t dared lay a finger on her, and these bastards had drugged her and brought her here.
But the man before him was like a wrathful deity. Even without the use of his legs, Pei Chuan gripped Gao Jun’s neck fiercely, grinding his face against the broken shards of the beer bottle.
Gao Jun, his face covered in blood, was eventually rushed to the hospital.
Amidst the violent brawl, Bei Yao slept peacefully on the nearby sofa, completely unaware that someone had nearly killed for her.
Later, Pei Chuan’s wounds were treated.
The staff at Little Royal Court awkwardly asked, "We’re not sure where to send that young lady."
Pei Chuan, his face marred by several cuts, paused before saying, "Take her to my room for now."
After so many years, he never imagined their reunion would happen like this.
He wiped his face and looked at the sweet, carefree girl on the bed, filled with self-disgust.
He was corrupt. Without his money, Gao Jun and his ilk wouldn’t have been so brazen. He had never regretted it before, but the moment he saw her, regret consumed him.
Pei Chuan pushed his wheelchair closer to her.In his room at the Imperial Court, she was the first girl to ever enter. He thought with time, he could forget her, but now he realized that some people are like moles etched upon the heart—even if you carve out that piece of flesh, the pain lingers for years.
Pei Chuan lowered his gaze.
Her long lashes cast downward, her delicate lips flushed crimson.
How old was she this year?
Almost seventeen.
He was a scoundrel, and he would never be a good man. The things he did were far from righteous.
Tomorrow, once she returned safely to school, she might never know they had met tonight.
Perhaps this would be their last encounter.
He couldn’t be her man, yet he had genuinely loved her for so many years.
Bracing his arms on either side of her, he gazed at her soft, pink lips.
He leaned halfway in, then straightened up again.
He wasn’t worthy; he was too tainted.
“I’ll help you get revenge. The chip needs a test subject—how about Gao Jun?”
He brushed aside her hair.
The girl, of course, couldn’t hear him.
In the deepest hour of the night, he laughed mockingly. “You’ve probably forgotten who I am.”
Yet he could never forget her face. How unfair.
“In this lifetime, I’ll only do this one excessive thing to you.”
Pei Chuan gently touched his index finger to her lips.
After a long moment of separation, he closed his eyes and kissed his own fingertip with lingering affection, as if catching the faint scent of her lips.
“Yaoyao, this is the first time I’ve called you that. Let me take you home.”
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