Chapter 59: Inner Conflict
Fu Tingyun had never considered herself beautiful.
As a child, whenever she visited relatives with her sisters, her cousins, family friends, or uncles would always tug at her hair ribbons or try to scare her with ghost stories.
Once, when Shu Ming, the youngest brother of her sixth aunt, came to visit, he insisted that her landscape painting wasn’t good enough and wanted to redo it for her. It was an assignment from her tutor, and her mother had taught her never to cheat. She refused to let him interfere, but in their struggle, the inkstone toppled over, splattering ink all over her new peach-red Hangzhou silk dress. Furious and trembling, she ended up fighting with him, and even the servants couldn’t pull them apart.
When Shu Ming’s mother found out, she gave him a harsh beating, grounded him for a month, and docked half a year’s monthly allowance. From then on, whenever he saw Fu Tingyun, he would call her “ugly.”
Back then, she had retorted indignantly, “I’m not ugly! Grandmother likes me best!”
Shu Ming sneered, “That’s because she’s your grandmother. Look at everyone else—whenever you’re around, they can’t help but stare at you.”
Fu Tingyun didn’t believe him and argued back, but she secretly began to observe. To her dismay, she realized Shu Ming was right. No matter where she went or who she was with, people always glanced at her a little longer.
Deeply hurt, she threw herself onto her bed and sobbed.
Her wet nurse comforted her, saying, “It’s because our Ninth Miss is the prettiest.”
Fu Tingyun didn’t buy it. “You only say that because you’re my wet nurse.”
The wet nurse threatened to tell her mother, “I’ll have Madam speak to Lady Shu. Let’s see if that little uncle of the Shu family dares to spout nonsense again.”
This only made Fu Tingyun more upset. “So you’re saying I really am ugly?”
“No, no!” the wet nurse quickly denied, but Fu Tingyun had already buried her face in the bed and started crying again. “If you complain to Lady Shu, she’ll punish Shu Ming again, and then he’ll just keep calling me ‘ugly’ everywhere!”
These were just childish squabbles, and even if the wet nurse reported it to Fu Tingyun’s mother, she wouldn’t actually bring such a trivial matter to Lady Shu—especially since Shu Ming had already been punished. Any further complaints from the Fu family would only make them seem petty and intolerant. The wet nurse had only said it to stop Fu Tingyun’s tears. Seeing her stuck in this stubborn mindset, the wet nurse sighed and said, “A young lady of noble birth should prioritize humility, prudence, composure, and dignity. As for looks…” She thought for a moment. “Since when has beauty alone made a woman the rightful wife? If that were the case, why bother with ‘Three Obediences and Four Virtues’ or learning needlework? We might as well just compete in looks!”
Fu Tingyun thought of the beautiful concubines in her fourth uncle’s household, and her sobs gradually quieted.
Relieved, the wet nurse gently reassured her, “Our young lady is destined to be a matriarch, overseeing household affairs. You should learn from the Old Madam, the First Madam, and your mother—cultivate virtue, gentleness, chastity, and obedience…”
Fu Tingyun took this to heart and devoted herself to mastering the virtues of womanhood: moral integrity, proper speech, dignified appearance, and domestic skills.When the sisters were learning various skills from their teacher together, she was always the most diligent. While she joined in the laughter and play with the others, she would secretly practice alone whenever she turned away. Over time, she became the most outstanding among them in every aspect, excelling in everything. Their grandmother constantly praised her natural intelligence and took her along when visiting their aunt in Nanjing. This earned her Madam Yu's favor, leading to an engagement with the Yu Family—much to the envy of all her sisters... From then on, she became even more convinced of her wet nurse's wisdom.
But now, Zhao Ling said, "Shu brocade sells for fifteen taels per bolt, and blue-and-white porcelain is no longer fashionable in the capital..."
Was he complimenting her?
Did he think she was beautiful?
Fu Tingyun lay on her bed, grinning foolishly.
He must have been praising her.
She recalled how he spoke of the flaky mooncakes.
"...I heard you made them. The filling was sweet but not cloying—even better than Mingyue Lou's pastries!"
He gazed at her quietly, his eyes brighter, gentler, and more serene than the moon in the sky, like faint ripples shimmering between his brows, so mesmerizing that one wouldn't wish to wake from the spell.
She didn't dare look too long and lowered her head slightly.
At this memory, Fu Tingyun's face flushed.
She knew of Mingyue Lou—in Suzhou, whenever people spoke of Jiangnan's pastries, they would mention Mingyue Lou.
Or was Zhao Ling just comforting her?
As always, finding a way to ease her embarrassment!
She could no longer stay still and jumped out of bed to examine herself in the mirror.
Her skin was as delicate as petals, her eyes sparkled like morning stars, and her lips were as red as cinnabar...
Fu Tingyun's jade-white fingertips trailed slowly from her cheeks to her chin as she pursed her lips into a smile.
The girl in the mirror smiled back, radiant as blooming flowers in an instant.
He must have liked it too, right?
She slapped the mirror face-down onto the dressing table.
He was the first to think she was beautiful.
If it were anyone else, she naturally wouldn't believe it. But Zhao Ling... would never lie to her, never deceive her.
So in his heart, she truly was beautiful.
Fu Tingyun felt her face burning, the joy in her heart surging like waves crashing against cliffs, each one higher than the last, leaving her heart fluttering and unsure what to do. She buried her face in the blankets, lying prone on the bed with her eyes closed.
When preparing her wedding dress, she had once taken a liking to a fabric—a vibrant red with golden patterns woven throughout, adorned with honeysuckle, jade hairpins, peonies, and roses... dazzlingly splendid, which she adored. Her mother, however, said the weave wasn't very refined, the embroidery too gaudy and lacking in dignity, and instead chose a sapphire-blue fabric with golden patterns of peonies, chrysanthemums, orchids, and plum blossoms. Pretty as it was, the floral motifs were too orderly, lacking the alluring charm of that vibrant red fabric.
Would Xi'an Prefecture also have that same vibrant red fabric woven with honeysuckle, jade hairpins, peonies, and roses?
She imagined how she would look wearing such a dress.
Jet-black hair, snow-white skin, ruby-red lips—all harmonizing with the vibrant red and gold of the dress. Surely it would be breathtakingly beautiful!
Would Zhao Ling be stunned speechless at the sight?
The more she thought about it, the more pleased she became, giggling under the covers.
Tomorrow morning, she'd greet Zhao Ling, then go shopping with Madam Lu. Perhaps she could find the same fabric!
But then another thought struck her, freezing the smile on her face.
She... she was still in mourning!How could she wear bright red clothes?
Fu Tingyun sat up abruptly.
As the saying goes, a woman looks most elegant in mourning white.
Unfortunately, she had never had much affinity for refined colors like moon-white, lake-blue, or pale cyan. When she wore such hues, the fabric appeared duller than her own fair skin, making her raven hair seem too dark and her lips too vividly red—like ink spilled on plain silk or vermilion dots on white paper, the contrast too striking and jarring.
She sighed, remembering the Taoist ritual she needed to arrange for her uncle.
Since arriving in Xi'an, one matter after another had kept her occupied, and she'd completely forgotten about it. Though Zhao Ling had initially suggested holding the ritual, he'd been exceptionally busy lately—preparing everything before his military deployment, including managing his long-term assets. These were century-spanning affairs that couldn't be neglected. She shouldn't disturb him. Perhaps tomorrow she could ask Madam Lu to accompany her to Wenren Temple?
Fu Tingyun grew anxious.
Her possessions consisted only of some gold and silver jewelry from her mother and that two-thousand-tael bank note. She'd given the bank note to Zhao Ling, and she absolutely couldn't bear to part with her mother's jewelry... So how would she pay for the ritual offerings for her uncle and aunt? Had she known, she wouldn't have given Zhao Ling the entire sum—she should have kept a hundred or two taels for emergencies.
What should she do tomorrow?
Ask Zhao Ling to return the bank note?
The thought made her flush with shame.
What kind of person would that make her?
What would Zhao Ling think?
What could she do now?
All her earlier joy evaporated.
What to do?
What to do?
This was utterly vexing...
She sighed repeatedly.
Short of selling her mother's jewelry, she truly couldn't think of another solution.
Tossing and turning, Fu Tingyun only fell asleep at dawn and woke to find the sun already high, long past breakfast time.
Zheng Sanniang was playing with Linchun in the hall and hurried to fetch water when she heard movement.
Fu Tingyun washed up hastily.
Madam Lu arrived, smiling. "Ninth Master said you worshipped the Moon Goddess in the courtyard last night, so we shouldn't disturb you this morning." She then had Luwei set out breakfast.
Fu Tingyun struggled to conceal her discomfort.
Last night, just as they'd been chatting idly, Master Lu's party had returned unexpectedly.
She remembered how she'd told Madam Lu she was tired and wanted to rest—Madam Lu had even personally helped her wash up before leaving. If they'd seen her sitting in the courtyard with Zhao Ling... how could she possibly explain that?
Zhao Ling had clearly been surprised too, saying, "Why are they back so soon?"Her heart had fluttered in panic at the time. She hastily muttered, "I don't know either, I'll go back to my room first," and rushed inside. Only moments later did she remember that the teacups and furniture in the courtyard hadn't been cleared away... If Madam Lu and the others saw them, they would surely guess what had transpired between her and Zhao Ling even if she hid in her room. She hurriedly opened the door just in time to see Zhao Ling deftly carrying the tables and chairs into the side room. Watching his retreating figure, she thought he seemed somewhat flustered too... A thought struck her, and she quietly closed the door, peeking through a crack in the window. The courtyard had already been tidied up, and Zhao Ling was walking out while calling, "Coming, coming!"... Now it seemed Madam Lu and the others must have discovered the incense and candles she had left behind from worshipping the Moon Goddess in the courtyard when they woke up in the morning.
Fu Tingyun tried her best to appear casual as she responded with an "Oh" and lowered her head to continue her breakfast.
Madam Lu sat nearby, carefully examining the winter clothes she had nearly finished sewing, praising repeatedly, "The young lady's needlework is truly excellent!"
Fu Tingyun had been taught since childhood that "one should not speak while eating or resting." She smiled in response and only spoke after finishing her meal and accepting the tea offered by Luwei, saying with a smile, "You flatter me too much!" Confident in her needlework, she saw no need to belittle herself and smoothly changed the subject, "Has Ninth Master already gone out?"
"He left early in the morning," Madam Lu replied cheerfully. "Not only did he take Young Master Yang, Sanfu, Shizhu, and Zheng San, but even my old man went along."
Fu Tingyun was slightly taken aback when noises came from the front courtyard. Just as she was about to ask Zheng Sanniang to check, Luwei rushed in, "Madam, Zheng San, Sanfu, and Shizhu have escorted the master back—they've brought back a lot of silver!"
※
First, making up for yesterday's update!
Since this was written during my morning commute and lunch break, today's update will have to be postponed until the afternoon. It will be posted later.
O(∩_∩)O~
(End of Chapter)
OpenNovel