Be Passionately In Love

After graduating from high school, Gu Yan still chose to study abroad and went to Liverpool. She changed both her WeChat and phone number, and even deactivated her Weibo account. She didn’t add most of her high school classmates on social media, keeping only a few close friends from those days. During that period, she rarely came across any updates about that person and didn’t go out of her way to inquire either.

Until, after the New Year, she received a message.

She had just stepped out of the dance studio then. Liverpool had just experienced a light snowfall, and outside the quaint, elegant British architecture, snowflakes drifted through the air. Through the window, she could still see the aged clock across the street—its hands frozen, much like her heartbeat seemed to pause in that moment.

She distinctly remembered the time then—the clock’s hands forming a cold, sharp right angle.

Nine in the evening.

It wasn’t entirely unexpected. After that night of graduation, the way he had looked at Xu Zhi—with reluctant yet restrained longing—Gu Yan had known it was only a matter of time for the two of them. She just hadn’t expected it to happen so soon. She thought he wouldn’t be in such a hurry. She also knew how strong a boy’s possessiveness could be. The moment they sensed a new environment or a potential threat, they’d rush to solidify the relationship. Several of her past suitors had been aloof most of the time, but the second a rival appeared, they’d scramble to stake their claim.

But Gu Yan never imagined Chen Luzhou would feel threatened by anyone. She had understood since high school just how untouchable he was. His aloofness wasn’t the kind that dismissed everyone—his measured distance with other girls only made it clearer that he knew how to navigate relationships, that he understood everything. He just didn’t like you, so he’d never give off any ambiguous signals.

Yet the more unattainable he seemed, the more it made people itch to be with him—to see him coax her in a rare moment of vulnerability, to hear his breathless gasps in the throes of passion.

The boy in her memory had never been like that. He was always cool and composed, never easily fooled; forever bright and cheerful, perceptive yet never feigning ignorance.

So just how much must he like someone, to enter a relationship at this restless age and post something like that on his social media?

cr: "Flipped. Hah, I’m done for."

Flipped was a movie Chen Luzhou had once shared on his feed—its Chinese title translating to A Sudden Heartbeat .

The screenshot had been sent to her by a high school friend. Chen Luzhou’s WeChat background was still the familiar Neuschwanstein Castle, his profile picture unchanged, his username still those two letters. Gu Yan couldn’t even begin to imagine—if someone like him became her boyfriend, she’d probably flaunt it obsessively on social media.

But later, when she accidentally glimpsed Xu Zhi’s WeChat moments on someone else’s phone, there wasn’t a single trace of showing off a boyfriend. Most of her posts were about her design drafts or articles on architecture.

Gu Yan remembered one post in particular:

"Finally got praised by the professor for having ‘spark.’ Haha, I feel like I can work for the motherland another 500 years!"

Beneath it, some of their old friends had replied:

Zhu Yangqi: "Forget 500 years—my buddy’s freaking out. He says if you keep pulling all-nighters like this, he might end up widowed for 50."

Li Ke: "Take care of yourself, Xu Zhi. Friendly reminder—have you noticed your hair thinning lately?" Chen Luzhou didn't reply, only gave it a like.

Xu Zhi, however, responded to Li Ke, "Really? Chen Luzhou said that?"

After that, there were no more replies—perhaps they resolved it privately.

Gu Yan could imagine just how lively and unrestrained their lives were.

It was at that moment Gu Yan suddenly realized that perhaps only a girl like Xu Zhi would make Chen Luzhou feel like he wasn’t settling. What he needed wasn’t a girlfriend who idolized him, but one who could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with him, someone who would always hold his interest.

Maybe the analogy wasn’t quite right. At that still-immature age, the only way Gu Yan could measure romantic relationships was in terms of "settling" or "not settling."

Chen Luzhou couldn’t settle—otherwise, no matter who he ended up with, she would feel resentful. She might even be tempted to message him.

But it had to be Xu Zhi. She could only swallow back those bitter, humiliating emotions because she would never forget what Xu Zhi had said to her that night at the barbecue place after graduation—

"Then let’s hope we girls aim higher. After all, there’s still vast, solid ground beneath our feet, so many places we haven’t been yet."

And so many people we haven’t met.

She knew that was the unspoken second half of Xu Zhi’s sentence. In fact, she could imagine that even without Chen Luzhou, Xu Zhi’s boyfriend would still be exceptional—perhaps even comparable to him. It was just that this boy had a certain glow in her life, which was why she had once felt so hostile toward Xu Zhi. Yet Xu Zhi had never felt the same toward her.

Xu Zhi had even known full well that she liked Chen Luzhou, and that at the time, she had the upper hand with him—that the boy she had liked for so long had feelings for Xu Zhi. Gu Yan had put herself in Xu Zhi’s shoes before and thought that if their roles were reversed, she would have made Xu Zhi feel humiliated that night.

But Xu Zhi hadn’t. Even after knowing she had sent Chen Luzhou a cringeworthy, embarrassing essay over WeChat, Xu Zhi hadn’t flaunted her status to make her feel small.

After hearing Xu Zhi’s words, for some reason, Gu Yan suddenly recalled something Chen Luzhou had once said when rejecting her—

"Gu Yan, you wake up at five every morning to train—that’s so much effort. Every joint in your body aches, and you’ve got no fame or recognition to show for it. Following me around like this would just be a raw deal for you. Focus on acting. If you can bring glory to the country and win an award, I’d admire you for that—not for sending me these pointless signals. It’s just… really not interesting. Honestly."

He truly had found her uninteresting. If she had sent that essay, it would have been even worse.

So, in that moment, an inexplicable surge of defiant pride rose in her. Right—the world was so big. Was it really impossible for her to meet someone better? She immediately deleted the long message, realizing how impulsive she had been. Back then, she had thought Xu Zhi was a bit pretentious, that her words had been performative. But later, as she revisited that night again and again, she grew endlessly grateful to Xu Zhi.

At least, at the very least—

In this age of hypersensitivity and impulsiveness, Xu Zhi hadn’t humiliated her. Maybe she couldn’t make Chen Luzhou like her, but perhaps in some future year, when she really did win an award and stood on that dazzling stage, that boy might feel a flicker of pride for her.

Even though she knew Chen Luzhou probably wouldn’t, at least—in the very end, as this chapter of youth and unrequited love closed—she had kept her dignity.Later, during the winter break of the following year, Gu Yan returned to Qingyi for the New Year and ran into them once near the school’s snack street. At first, she noticed Zhu Yangqi because he always had a bunch of random trinkets hanging off him that jingled noisily. Back when Chen Luzhou used to come to their class looking for Zhu Yangqi, he didn’t even need to glance around—just listening for the noise would tell him whether Zhu Yangqi was in the classroom or not. At the time, Zhu Yangqi was accompanied by a short-haired girl who looked sharp and was quite tall. She wasn’t from their school, and Gu Yan later learned that the girl was Xu Zhi’s friend, named Cai Yingying.

The two of them were standing in the bustling crowd buying wheel cakes. Their relationship didn’t seem particularly harmonious, as they were bickering back and forth.

“Zhu Yangqi, are you insane? Who eats wheel cakes with cilantro?”

“You even eat cilantro-flavored cake—is there anything you won’t eat?” Zhu Yangqi grumbled heavily as he asked the stinky tofu vendor next door for two bowls of cilantro. “I really fell for your nonsense. What kind of monstrosity did you give me for my birthday? Was that cake even meant for humans?”

“Didn’t you eat it?”

“Only pigs would eat that.”

“Well, you are a pig.”

“That’s fine. Your last name is Cai (vegetable), mine is Zhu (pig). Why don’t we just make do with each other?” Zhu Yangqi took a bite of his wheel cake, seizing the moment.

“Didn’t I tell you? No way. People would say ‘a good cabbage got trampled by a pig.’ How awful would that sound?”

“I had a serious discussion with my dad about this. I can change my last name—I can take my mom’s.”

“Would your dad agree?”

“Yeah.”

“What did you say to him?” The girl took the wheel cake from the vendor, asking skeptically.

“I said, ‘Dad, the girl I like says my last name is bad. I want to change it.’ My dad said, ‘Change your mom’s then.’ I thought, yeah, I’ll take my mom’s. See how quick-witted my dad is?”

The girl: “…”

Even Gu Yan couldn’t help but twitch the corner of her mouth. The next second, she saw a familiar figure emerge from a nearby snack shop. His striking silhouette stood out conspicuously in the crowded street—he seemed even taller now. He was still wearing the same simple, familiar brand of clothes, sticking to his usual palette of black, blue, gray, and white in various combinations, loose and comfortable. For a long time afterward, whenever Gu Yan saw boys dressed in a similar style on the street, she couldn’t help but look up, hoping to catch a glimpse of someone like him. But she never did. Forget about looks—just his personality alone was something she knew she’d rarely encounter again.

“You done yet?” he asked.

“Almost, just two more,” Zhu Yangqi replied, turning his head. “Why’d you come out? Where’s Xu Zhi?”

“Still eating. Get her two red bean ones.”

Zhu Yangqi: “Didn’t she say she wanted taro earlier? How fickle is her taste? Don’t tell me she’s…”

Chen Luzhou kicked him outright. “You out of your mind?” Then, ignoring Zhu Yangqi, he turned to the girl beside him and said, “Cai Yingying, you guys go ahead inside. I’ll grab two red bean ones for her.”

The girl took her wheel cake, then turned and kicked Zhu Yangqi in the butt before sprinting away: “Learn from Chen Luzhou, you big idiot!”Zhu Yangqi immediately chased after her, grabbing at the girl's hair as he ran. "Damn it, Cai Yingying, haven't I been good to you? What's so great about learning from that bastard Chen Luzhou? You haven't seen how he screwed Xu Zhi over. Don't be fooled by his decent looks. Let me tell you, that guy is secretly a real flirt."

"If Chen Luzhou is just 'decent-looking,' then Zhu Yangqi, you're literally just a decent-looking pig!"

"Bullshit! I'm way hotter than him. When we were kids, all the adults said I was better-looking than him, more cheerful too!"

"Do you really think that's a compliment? Idiot."

……

Gu Yan stood by the roadside, watching intently as he walked against the crowd to buy wheel cakes for Xu Zhi. She didn't even notice the warmth gathering in the corners of her eyes or the uncontrollable ache in her heart. She knew this man would always hold an attraction for her, but she also knew she could only ever be an onlooker—revisiting old dreams that belonged solely to her on this street filled with youthful memories, watching the conclusion of this story from afar.

No one noticed her in the sea of people.

Only after Chen Luzhou finished buying the last two wheel cakes for Xu Zhi and entered the shop did Gu Yan snap out of her daze and continue walking. Passing by the restaurant where they were gathered, she hadn't planned to greet them or make her presence known—she just instinctively glanced inside.

The whole group was sitting near the entrance. It wasn't just Zhu Yangqi and that girl; Li Ke, Jiang Cheng, Hang Sui, Da Zhuang, and Da Jun were all there too. Even Zhang Yu was present.

Chen Luzhou happened to be seated in a chair facing the street, with Xu Zhi beside him. Leaning back in his seat, one arm resting on the back of Xu Zhi's chair, he tilted his head down, listening earnestly to whatever she was saying. Occasionally, he'd throw his head back against the chair, laughing helplessly, his eyes resigned—as if she'd infuriated him yet he couldn't bring himself to do anything about it. The idea of picking her up for a beating was clearly out of the question. Then, as he lifted his gaze, he unexpectedly met Gu Yan's eyes.

Gu Yan thought he might look away or pretend not to see her. But instead, Chen Luzhou gave her a slight nod—an acknowledgment.

In that moment, Gu Yan couldn't help but mock herself inwardly.

Why would he avoid her?

He had always been forthright.

Noticing his shift in attention, Zhu Yangqi—still gnawing on a chicken foot without turning around—asked, "Who is it?"

Chen Luzhou answered as casually as ever, tipping his chin slightly in Gu Yan's direction. "Gu Yan."

It was in that instant.

Gu Yan suddenly felt her eyes grow hot. The person she liked hadn't looked down on her after her shamefully exposed diary of unrequited feelings. From beginning to end, he had treated her with respect.

At that moment, she truly envied Xu Zhi.